TW: My partner is touching me in my sleep, ☹️

[Forestdark]

TW: sexual content

Help, I think?

I woke up in the night to my partner trying to touch my vagina sexually. I rolled over.

Then again just before the alarms, I could feel him doing it again this time fingers more at work should we say. I was awake but he did not know, I froze tbh. and then made out I was rolling over again to get comfy.

I left it about half an hour and ‘woke up’, first thing he said after good morning was ‘did you feel me touching your pussy in the night?’

no idea why, but I just said ‘no, no I didn’t, Why did you do that?’

He then seemed to be a bit annoyed at this and said ‘well I thought it would be something we could try, waking up to orgasm, thought you would like it?’

I didn’t reply, just stunned that he actually admitted it, and he got more of the hump and got up and ready for work.

WTAF? Is this normal? Did he really think I would like this? (I did not!!) and how do I proceed?

Op it’s not okay. You can’t consent in your sleep. I hope you are okay.

☹️ I feel a bit shaky and odd tbh

Also him saying ‘I thought we could try it’ where’s the we when didn’t discuss it with you before?

Im really sorry. He has crossed a line.

Some couples are okay with this but only if discussed prior and even then I still think it’s grey area as consent can change day to day.

It’s all really strange: I do remember he texting me something about this a week or so ago and I deliberately didn’t respond to it because I was disgusted tbh, in amongst the normal messages about dinner etc was about this, he hadn’t bought it up since

@Forestdark I’m sorry he should not have done this without a discussion even then I think it’s very iffy. How is the rest of the relationship?

You need to tell him clearly that he cannot do this again as you did not consent. Like many men, unfortunately, he seems to have no idea of what is acceptable and indeed what is legal. Tell him clearly that touching you like this without your explicit consent is sexual assault. He should have asked if you wanted him to do this before he did it.

For me the most worrying thing is that you can’t have a conversation about it and whether it’s something you would or wouldn’t want to try.
This would be fine in my marriage, we trust each other and are both quite turned on by being woken up by the other but it works both ways. I have woken DH up by touching him and vice versa. We can also equally turn over and say not this morning babe.
If you are not comfortable with it, you need to tell him that. If he apologises and never does it again, then I don’t think it’s anything to worry about. If he doesn’t accept you don’t want to do that, then it is an issue IMO.

Relationship is Struggling tbh, lots of reasons/ stressors. Sex life always been good, we have kids but not together so have a lot of free time etc.

You mustn’t downplay this on account of you bringing married. If a guy you were dating did this, you’d rightly consider it rape. I had this done to me as a teenager and the military police considered it rape (I didn’t pursue it criminally in the end but they were very insistent that it was indeed rape).

The worry is upsetting him. Not because he is aggressive or violent but because he CANNOT take any criticism at all. He sulks, says he feels like not being here anymore, he cries at times, for things like, any chance you can do a bit of house work while I’m at work and you are off today.

So sorry, this would creep me out.

I’d reply to that text with a “no thanks, not for me don’t do this’ so he can be under no illusion. Not that you should need to spell it out xx

He would lose his biscuit (not violent but would cry and mop for weeks etc) if I told him it was considered sexual assault and probably not believe me tbh.

You need to have a very clear conversation. Some people like this, others, like me, don’t. He should have asked. Now you need to say a very clear no. Which he will, of course, immediately accept…..

What kind of relationship is this to be in?! It sounds appalling

There are other issues like this. He has minuscule self esteem (abusive parents) so everything he suggests or does has to be an amazing, incredible idea or he will sulk.

So basically you are muted in this relationship to the extent that you cannot speak up to say this is assault I don’t like or want it because of his reaction?

it sounds awfully abusive and controlling

Your updates are really worrying OP.

In effect he manipulates you into making sure he gets his own way in everything because you are frightened of upsetting him.

The implications of you staying in this relationship are quite awful, even apart fromthe sexual assault he is already performing on you.

I agree, I’m really worried about you @Forestdark . This is very abusive and controlling behaviour. Can you call Women’s Aid when he isn’t around to overhear?

Please re-read everything you've written and really let it sink in. You are worried about how he will react to to telling him he sexually assaulted you. You're trying to protect him from, and minimise, his own behaviour.
I'm so sorry this happened. Please keep yourself safe - I think you know that your safety can't be guaranteed with this man.

@Forestdark He sounds awful, I know it’s easy for us to say judt leave him but I think your life would be a lot nicer without him. You sound really down x

I could not and would not live like this. He’s awful. Sexual assault on top of emotional manipulation. Is he abusive in other ways?

This @Forestdark he’s manipulating. Im sorry he had a bad childhood but that doesn’t mean he can treat you like this, he needs to sort himself out.

Aka make it about him.

On the face of it, what he did in your sleep, if my husband did to me, I wouldn’t mind. However, you do, and that’s all that matters.

As a PP posted, this incident is almost a red herring.

It isn’t easier as rape had to involve penetration with a penis.