TW: My partner is touching me in my sleep, ☹️

[Forestdark]

TW: sexual content

Help, I think?

I woke up in the night to my partner trying to touch my vagina sexually. I rolled over.

Then again just before the alarms, I could feel him doing it again this time fingers more at work should we say. I was awake but he did not know, I froze tbh. and then made out I was rolling over again to get comfy.

I left it about half an hour and ‘woke up’, first thing he said after good morning was ‘did you feel me touching your pussy in the night?’

no idea why, but I just said ‘no, no I didn’t, Why did you do that?’

He then seemed to be a bit annoyed at this and said ‘well I thought it would be something we could try, waking up to orgasm, thought you would like it?’

I didn’t reply, just stunned that he actually admitted it, and he got more of the hump and got up and ready for work.

WTAF? Is this normal? Did he really think I would like this? (I did not!!) and how do I proceed?

Wow he's a manipulative cunt, isn't he. Please find the strength to get away from him. He is emotionally and sexually abusive and you deserve so much better in your life

You don’t have to say that op, it’s nothing to do with what other people do. Please don’t worry.

OP - please realise this man is a fucking abuser who is manipulating and training you to behave exactly how he wants without ever questioning him because he’ll play the victim and cause drama.

Hes a highly abusive controlling man who sexually assaults you in his sleep and you’re scared to call him out because he’ll get upset - please understand how absolutely wrong this is.

You really need to get away from him - he is scarily abusive and this will get worse and worse

The gaslighting and victim playing he’s doing is manipulation 101.

He is right though (in his faux oh woe is me) - he isn’t good enough for you.

HE feels worthless? Ok. I can bet now you haven’t actually done anything to warrant blame for that, OP.

i guarantee someone will absolutely love you more than he “loves” you because love doesn’t ever involve emotional manipulation.

Hes grinding you down, and for what prince?

It is important to amend factually incorrect information as misinforming the OP does not help her. It doesn't mean that we aren't sympathetic to her situation.

No. Haven’t done anything wrong.

Because you’re making op worry she is offending people when she has been assaulted by her partner.

I hate to derail this thread but facts are important. What this horrible man is doing is sexual assault. But it is not rape. Rape, as pp have said,requires a
penis.

@deboh- can you not read? TWICE I’ve said, including in the post you quoted, “you don’t have to like what he did” and again in another post of mine you’ve quoted, “you do [mind what he did] and that’s all that matters”.

Nowhere in any of my posts have I implied she’s offending anyone. Quite the opposite. So back off.

Ironically here, OP, lots of times someone will sulk and make out like you’re the bad guy even when one plainly hasn’t been and can prove they haven’t been meanies. You don’t have to play along.

I forgot how much people project on here. Really quite creepy how some people make a post about them.

He is movjng from emotional to sexual abuse and he can keep doing something you don’t like because you have no agency anymore to say or do anything about it because he has taken that from you.

This is a real pivotal moment for you because are you prepared not to say anything and for it to continue or to step up and say something

Agree. I literally said, in the post you took umbrage at, “don’t worry, nobody’s taken your dislike of what he did as a dig. Don’t apologise or minimise yourself at all.”

So, thanks for derailing @debohand literally having a go at me for something I categorically did not do and actually did do what you wanted posters to do.

Utterly bizarre.

Touching you sexually without your consent while he thinks you are asleep is sexual assault.

The sulking and actual crying if you ask him to do a bit of housework is so ridiculous, I don't know what to say, apart from 'what the fuck is the matter with him?'.

Both these things would put me off so much, I wouldn't be able to look at him and would end the relationship as soon as I could.

Many years ago, I used to wake up to my then boyfriend having sex with me. It happened several times over the course of our relationship. At the time, although I didn't like it, I just want along with it. We eventually split up (unrelated reasons) and it wasn't until I was much older, that I realised that what he was doing was at the very least a sexual assault, and worst rape. When you're asleep you can't consent, end of. You need a serious conversation with your boyfriend, regarding consent. What he's doing is wrong and it's violating you. If he can't see what he's doing is very wrong, then it's something I would now end a relationship over. I'm now married and have been with my husband 19 years, but I still won't sleep completely naked, I always wear knickers.

@Forestdark turn the situation around (not the no consent touching). If you had the amount of self esteem issues he has - would you do fuck all about it and expect the world to revolve around you, people to make excuses for you and tip toe around your moods and never try to improve yourself or resolve your issues so you could have equal adult relationships…

or would you try and improve yourself through therapy/counselling etc.

Hes letting his ‘issues’ control everything and using it as an excuse for everything.

does he cry and mope at work or with friends and family? Does he react the same there? If not - he’s choosing to do so with you.

All the other behaviour would mean game over for me.

I know it was wrong, I won’t be going to the police or anything like that, but the feeling from this morning hasn’t left me and it’s ringing alarm bells for me, I feel really off, like panicky but also a bit numb. Sorry if this seems like an overreaction, I am still going about my day etc.

I had already spoken to my mum about the relationship a few weeks ago and she didn’t like the sound of it at all, although I have left out big details when told her. She is very supportive but lives overseas so not around to lean on.

all my feelings for him have switched off, like a light, I think this was the final straw

It’s not an overreaction at all. You feel how you feel and it’s valid. You absolutely don’t have to go to the police either if you don’t want. Nobody’s judging.

You don’t have to do or say anything right now. You take your time to process, sleep, focus on you.

That is good that it is the final straw because no you aren’t overreacting so are you ready for it to end but try as safely as possible?

https://www.theguardian.com/society/2021/jun/15/the-sexual-assault-of-sleeping-women-the-hidden-horrifying-crisis-in-britains-bedrooms

So basically you are muted in this relationship to the extent that you cannot speak up to say this is assault I don’t like or want it because of his reaction?

THIS!!!!

His abusive childhood is NO EXCUSE! You can’t keep walking on eggshells in the desperate hope that this immature messed up man will be ‘normal’. He assaulted you but somehow he’s the victim. This relationship isn’t a safe space for your children’s mother, which means it isn’t a safe space for them.

PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE leave.

An ex. Used to do this to me. I used to wake up with him trying to penetrate me. I’d push him off and say no, but he’d keep trying night after night. I eventually slept in the living room just get away.

it’s abuse, regardless of how he frames it. You didn’t consent, he just presumed.

Set strong boundaries with him… but tbh … any man who see this as ‘okay’ is a bit of a red flag.

This. He has completely silenced you, made you question if you are allowed thoughts and feelings, made you have to think about everything you say. Now, because you are silenced, he has started sexually assaulting you.

You feel shaky and numb because the non-verbal parts of your brain are screaming at you that it is wrong. But the thinking/verbal parts have been trained by him to shut up.

I hope this is the last straw. I hope you leave today.

If you do leave today, tomorrow etc, be prepared for the histrionics. It’ll ramp up and then probably get to him being overtly nasty.

None of it is true or sincere. It’s all part of his web to keep you trapped. You’ll be plenty more than fine without him.

You need to be conscious to consent.