TW: My partner is touching me in my sleep, ☹️

[Forestdark]

TW: sexual content

Help, I think?

I woke up in the night to my partner trying to touch my vagina sexually. I rolled over.

Then again just before the alarms, I could feel him doing it again this time fingers more at work should we say. I was awake but he did not know, I froze tbh. and then made out I was rolling over again to get comfy.

I left it about half an hour and ‘woke up’, first thing he said after good morning was ‘did you feel me touching your pussy in the night?’

no idea why, but I just said ‘no, no I didn’t, Why did you do that?’

He then seemed to be a bit annoyed at this and said ‘well I thought it would be something we could try, waking up to orgasm, thought you would like it?’

I didn’t reply, just stunned that he actually admitted it, and he got more of the hump and got up and ready for work.

WTAF? Is this normal? Did he really think I would like this? (I did not!!) and how do I proceed?

What about your life where you don’t have to perform so he feels ok about himself?

Women don’t exist to fix men.

This isn’t your fault, so I’m not at all trying to blame you. This just isn’t any way to live and you deserve more.

He's trained you not to 'upset' him with his reactions.

Sulking/silent treatment is abuse.
Touching you without consent is rape/sexual assault.
Crying because you asked him to do something towards the upkeep of his own home is unhinged and probably designed to make asking him too much trouble.

I had a sulking, night raping man who tried to manipulate me with crying and often didn't 'want to be here' anymore for various trivial reasons. Notice the past tense. I had.....

He probably won't change and you will tie yourself in knots trying to avoid the inevitable moods and sulking. You said he's not aggressive or violent but that doesn't mean he's not abusive.

Rape includes penetration with digits

No I don’t agree. it’s not a red herring. That really makes light of it. And ‘you do you’ don’t be so condescending. You don’t have to comment you know.

No, it’s a very serious incident, but it’s not an isolated event. The guy has personality traits that are an umbrella over all of this ie a cause of this and also thr cause of many other wholly unacceptable things he’s doing in the relationship

ETA so even if he wriggles out of this one, similar will keep on happening. It’s not the event, it’s him

Yes but that doesn’t make this assault a red herring.

I didn’t reply, just stunned that he actually admitted it,

I wonder if he panicked because suspected you were aware of what he was doing so thought it best to bring it up and pretend he had nothing to hide?

You're freeze response is very telling, in the moment your body senses danger or risk and shuts down to protect you. And you've said how you worry his reaction if you tell him you don't want it.

You can't live like this. If you keep not responding and don't speak up for yourself he will take that as "well you didn't say no".

We know it's not enough, that you have to actively consent but he's already being unreasonable and sneaky so he's not going to care about the actual meaning of consent, just about gaslighting you so he doesn't have to take responsibility.

@Forestdark It’s not about anyone else’s relationship op. It’s very important to know that this is not okay, you don’t have to put up with it. I really hope that you end this relationship as it sounds unhealthy. I agree with some of the posters about ringing a helpline to chat or a trusted friend or relative. Please look after yourself. As another poster said your life is not to fix his, please put your life first.

Please stop making excuses for his behaviour. Plenty of people have abusive parents and manage to not be manipulative, coercive cunts.

If you really want to see him for what he truly is, you need to test him, not make allowances for him. Start speaking up in scenarios where you normally wouldn't, because you know he will 'sulk' (it doesn't sound like it takes much tbh). Then let him sulk. Ask yourself 'is this healthy, for me or him?' Track how long the sulk lasts, notice what you find yourself desperate to do to get some relief from the atmosphere - acquiesce? apologise? pander to him?

Once you've done this even once, you'll realise this will be your life if you stay with him. Forever dumbing yourself down and shutting yourself up, all in protection of HIS ego and avoiding his controlling 'sulking'. It's no life at all.

I bet he has seen it in porn and thinks the poor woman on that enjoys it so all must.
It definitely warps mens minds when it comes to sex and boundaries.

This isn’t ok

you shouldn’t feel silenced due to a sulk that a controlling behaviour

He has now stepped up to a point where you can’t say don’t ever do that again for concern over his sulky behaviour…. This is really really bad op… next time he might not stop!!

Stop being concerned about his sulky moods and stop this now or move out/ move him out

Bloody hell. So everything has to be his way or he SULKS?? That is no way to live. He needs some counselling, and he needs to start acting like an adult or the relationship would be over for me.

And not being able to tell him anything for fear of upsetting him - potentially abusive. He’s teaching you not to upset him, to go along with things like sexual assault for an easy life.

And touching you in your sleep in sexual assault. You did not consent. what a muppet he is.

When he sulks, what do you do? Go to him, console, apologise, ignore?

Please ignore this OP as it's incorrect. Assuming you are in the UK the definition of rape does not stipulate it has to be with a penis. As others have said, he touched you intimately without your consent - he has sexually assaulted you.

I'm sorry this has happened to you. His upbringing and consequent fragile self esteem does not make this ok. He needs to know that if he wants to explore anything new sexually you need to be aware of it first and agree to it. Had he asked, you wouldn't have wanted him to do it (most women, myself included probably wouldn't either), so he needs to know that it's not ok to do it again.

If he dares to after this conversation then you've got much bigger problems than his low self esteem.

A bit of all of that over 3 years. At the start I used to console him and try to make it better as I have never seen anyone react like he did.

However now I ignore or even say it’s an over reaction, but that compounds things tbh, make it’s worse, I then get texts saying how worthless I make him feel, how he will never be good enough for me, how all his efforts have been wasted on me etc how I am silly because no one will ever love me like he does etc and tbh that moaning often prevents me from acknowledging his drama.

Thank you. I think I know what it was. He is already upset because of an argument we had on Saturday so he is still in his mood, this will be an example of ‘trying to make it better, trying to ease the tension between us’ and of course by disagreeing with it I will be the one in the wrong

Also I fully respect people have different sex lives, this post isn’t a dig at anyone who wouldn’t mind this, I just don’t like it

Who cares if he’s upset?! He’s assaulting you in your sleep!🤬

This would be fine in my relationship, we’re generally both happy to wake up to something sexual happening but and it’s a massive but, you are not and also he is not okay for you to say no, which is actually terrifying. If neither of us were in the mood we’d just say not this morning and there wouldn’t be any sulks. This sort of thing was discussed right at the beginning of our relationship too so we both know we have given consent.

Sounds like misguided attempt to spice things up.

Id be 'honest' that you didn't like it & quite frankly froze/forgot about it afterwards because you were asleep & associated it with somebody you don't know doing it then remembered later in the day hence bringing it back up.

Just tell him you don’t like it and to never do it again. The fallout is the fallout and you just deal with it. If you aren’t honest with each other, are you really in a relationship with each other or just some made up person?

It’s not important, but it’s not rape. Section 1(1)(a) Sexual Offences Act 2003 specifies “penis”.

im glad you’ve also ignored his sulks. His lack of emotional regulation is his problem. When he then bombards you with texts, I’d block him. It’s not fair what he’s doing. He’ll then ramp up and probably say he’s suicidal: he’s not. He’s a tantrumming child that never learned emotional maturity and you don’t have to teach him that. Nobody pulled you aside in life and gave you a manual on how not to be manipulative.

Don’t worry, nobody taken your dislike of what he did as a dig. Don’t apologise or minimise yourself at all. You don’t have to like what he did.

He’s emotionally abusive @Forestdark ignore his sob stories. This is your one life.

Can you stop.

I don't think you are correct about the legal (UK) definition of rape - the Crown Prosecution Service says it has to involve a penis (see attached screenshot).

But it IS sexual assault and the OP's partner is being abusive, using the excuse that his parents were abusive to him. OP, this is an abusive relationship - please get help to leave.