TW: My partner is touching me in my sleep, ☹️

[Forestdark]

TW: sexual content

Help, I think?

I woke up in the night to my partner trying to touch my vagina sexually. I rolled over.

Then again just before the alarms, I could feel him doing it again this time fingers more at work should we say. I was awake but he did not know, I froze tbh. and then made out I was rolling over again to get comfy.

I left it about half an hour and ‘woke up’, first thing he said after good morning was ‘did you feel me touching your pussy in the night?’

no idea why, but I just said ‘no, no I didn’t, Why did you do that?’

He then seemed to be a bit annoyed at this and said ‘well I thought it would be something we could try, waking up to orgasm, thought you would like it?’

I didn’t reply, just stunned that he actually admitted it, and he got more of the hump and got up and ready for work.

WTAF? Is this normal? Did he really think I would like this? (I did not!!) and how do I proceed?

I never said anything about this was easier?
Also rape absolutely does NOT have to include penetration! I remember my Solicitor being very clear about that one fact in particular…. Unless the law has changed significantly since then; Which I’m pretty sure would’ve been publicised if it had.

This is something that I’d only consider ok if there was a previous discussion where you’d consented to it. You can’t consent when asleep and I’d find it beyond intrusive and gross. If you want to continue the relationship then I’d definitely sit down and have a serious conversation about boundaries.

I have just read all of this, thank you

Rape is defined by penetration with a penis. Look it up.
The OP has been sexually assaulted, but not raped.

Why don’t some of you start your own thread to discuss that? Op needs support.

So he mentioned it by text, you ignored it, he tried it a little, again you ignored it AND he started to discuss it and again you dismissed the topic/concept etc.
If you don’t like, bad breath sex, sleep deprivation or being touched sexually without prior discussion YOU will need to talk about it.

You aren't over reacting, OP. You are having a very reasonable reaction to trauma.
What feels comfortable as a next step? I'm sure everyone on this thread would want to support you when you feel ready to move forwards.

Sex requires consent - a yes. Not the lack of a no. Especially sex when the other person is unconscious. Then you need a firm, preexisting yes.

Especially in a relationship where OP is not allowed a 'no' without crying, moping, sulking, silencing, the partner knows he's abusive. You should too.

Fuck no, this isn't the OPs fault and it's vile to suggest her actions are in any way to blame.
No-one should ever have to spell out that they don't want to be sexually assaulted. That isn't how consent works. If this man, or anyone, wants to do something that requires discussion around consent - which this absolutely does given the consent can't be given while unconscious - then it is on him to ensure he has enthusiastic, informed consent. It is not for the OP or anyone to say oh FYI I don't want to be sexually assaulted babe, if that's ok with you.

Ffs

The man sexually assaulted the OP, and you're chastising her for not feeling gathered enough to chat about it

Thank you, the first time it was bought up by text I was abit ‘yuck’ maybe he had seen something or spoke to someone at work or something. He never tried to discuss it aside from copping the hump this morning when I was not enthusiastic. I have never consented to this. I have never even mentioned it. He took it upon himself to help himself to what he wanted.

JFC stop victim blaming. OP froze and didn't know what to do. Sex without consent is sexual assault or rape. Why on earth would you make excuses for OP's awful partner?

clearly I have the wrong view.
but she’s now discussing it online and at some point will need to discuss it with him.

Nah, she doesn’t have to discuss with him. It’s not a debate.

”you sexually assaulted me this morning. Bye!”

Op you need to have a direct conversation with him about what happened last night. No sex of any kind with me being asleep and it must be mutually consented when awake.
If he sulks or is offended by this then it is the end of the road.

You are not overreacting, if anything you are massively under reacting and you need to find your anger and get rid of this abusive man.

He is only ever replying to your normal conversation as if he were a four year old. It wasn’t me, lalalalalalal not listening, not doing that.

You have our permission to ditch him today, move out tomorrow and block him and never speak to him ever again

It would not at all be an overreaction for this to be the final straw for you in what sounds like a difficult relationship where you have to accommodate his inability to interact like an adult or a decent partner. It's one thing to generally be considerate of his low self-esteem. It's quite another thing to accept regular emotional blackmail and now sexual assault rather than upset him.

Have you not read the other posts any communication from the OP is shut down instantly.

not only that but a text is not sufficient communication he needed to clearly ask her and set out clear boundaries which he did not do. He needed to instigate communication not the OP

I meant worrying as in there is much bigger things happening in that relationship. If it was a healthy relationship, she would have been able to say, please don’t do that again or this is not something I enjoy etc. OP later confirmed my thoughts.

You know this behaviour is abuse right? And that it’s designed for this man child to get his own way and to keep you compliant and not challenging him? Sadly it’s clearly worked because you’re now in a position where sexual abuse has happened and you’re afraid to discuss consent because of your fear of the repercussions. You deserve far better than this.
I really hope this motivates you to end it. I would also strongly encourage you to contact a local domestic abuse charity for support and to sign up for the freedom programme.

That there is why you need to end it.

text him and say ‘touching me in my sleep without consent is assault. You assaulted me’ just text it and his response will tell you everything

He owns you. You're his property. His pleasure is your function...

This crap has to be stamped out now. Severe conversations about consent and no meaning no have to happen now.

How about if he woke up to his toothbrush up his bum?

The worry is upsetting him. Not because he is aggressive or violent but because he CANNOT take any criticism at all. He sulks, says he feels like not being here anymore, he cries at times, for things like, any chance you can do a bit of house work while I’m at work and you are off today.

That’s manipulative, toxic and pathetic. He’s a Covert narcissist.

What is it with all these so called man children who sulk, flounce, shout and cry?
FFS! The worst bit is some women think the sun shines out of their arses and have endless kids with them even when they know the bloke is a complete twat.

Your solicitor was an idiot.
Rape is penetration in the mouth, vagina or anus with a penis without consent. Other objects could be used also with vagina or mouth that would also be rape.