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Relationships

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Has anyone been 'dropped' by someone you thought to be a good friend for no reason you can discern?

165 replies

badsmell · 18/05/2008 22:11

This has happened to me twice in the last couple of years since the birth of my first baby. Whilst normally this might upset me a little bit and then I would move on just lately I have spent more time than is healthy dwelling and speculating on wnat I might have done. Is this something I have in common with other sahm as I spend alot of time on my own? It is a horrible feeling thinking that I might be doing or saying something that winds people up.
I wanted to start a thread as I am interested to know how others have found new and old friendships post baby.
I may have a touch of paranoia too so if there are no responses I know I must be functioning very badly socially!

OP posts:
BloodyStupidJohnson · 07/10/2012 23:04

Please excuse the terrible typos Blush.

arthurfowlersallotment · 07/10/2012 23:51

Yes, this has happened to me, quite recently. Someone I considered a friend has not acknowledged the birth of my child, almost six months ago, and I had not heard from her since I was about 8 months pregnant. She updates her facebook page so I know she is still alive! I've absolutely no idea why she suddenly decided to cut me off. However, I've a policy that anyone who is not interested in my pfb is no longer a friend of mine :o

I guess from reading this thread this is a common occurance. I tried to think of why I have not maintained friendships in the past and some of the reasons include;
A friend was always seeking my counsel but never offering theirs.
Another friend got in a relationship with someone I found obnoxious and I couldn't stand his company.
I found out someone else was being very unpleasant about me so I just cut her off.

CurrentBun · 08/10/2012 01:49

Yes, because I'm boring most probably. Been through a rough couple of years financially so not been able to keep up with the lifestyle of said friend. I don't go out much these days so obviously not exciting enough for her!

TheOnlyPersonInTheRoom · 08/10/2012 09:43

Yes I've been dropped several times by the same person, who tends to come 'crawling back' after months. This most recent time I think I have finally learned my lesson not to bother with him again, it's just not worth the angst. But part of me expects a text any moment saying "sorry I've been really busy I'd love to see you" - I think that's the worst bit, the waiting and wondering and agonising. The analysing of old messages to try to pick up clues. That's the part that saps your energy.

There's no rhyme or reason behind it - these people are egotists and users. It's their loss etc. In my case he will have justified it by telling himself he's 'doing me a favour' [eyeroll], or at least that was the excuse he gave the last time.

Oh and as you can see it's obviously not just a female thing (although I'm female myself)!

downtonscullery · 08/10/2012 09:52

I was dropped several years ago by a very very close friend. I considered her a soulmate. And then one day, that was it. She didn't want to know. Like others on here I spent fruitless hours wondering what it was I'd done, analysing every last minute of what I'd said or done the last time I saw here. And was none the wiser.

And then out of the blue I had an email from her last week. She'd found me on friends reunited. Her email went something along the lines of 'I should have been a better friend, please get in touch'.

I've decided I wont email her back. I can't forget how hurt I felt when she dumped me for no apparent reason.

LettyAshton · 08/10/2012 10:09

I agree with earlier poster who said that sometimes it's all just too much effort to maintain a friendship. Sometimes you live far apart so visiting involves a whole day or - perish the thought - each other's dh and dcs. Then if all you've got to talk about is "catching up" stuff then frankly it's a bit difficult to be arsed.

I was dumped by Christmas card message last year. Old friend who is now wealthy, successful, lives in fantastic house blah de blah. I was a bit taken aback to read a clear brush-off scrawled underneath the salutation, but I understand that I am Mrs Dullsville and our friendship only consisted of reminiscing about school.

TheOnlyPersonInTheRoom · 08/10/2012 11:44

"I was dumped by Christmas card message last year"
OMG [intrigued] - what did it say?

LettyAshton · 08/10/2012 12:43

Well, we used to meet up regularly, but on the Xmas card it said something along the lines of "If you are coming up to London for the Olympics I'll see if I can see you then" Confused as I'm not in John O'Groats and am in London every so often and also this was December and the Olympics were in July/August. And if I were at the Olympics why would I be having a lunch with someone instead of seeing the event I'd paid ££££ for?

So basically it was a way of pushing back any suggestion of a lunch date till a time that was clearly not going to happen anyway. I took the hint!

tangerinefeathers · 11/10/2012 08:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Oblomov · 23/10/2012 22:31

I have been dumped recently. I have sobbed and sobbed about it and seem incapable of gettign over it.
She was my closest friend. I have a best friend from uni, who now lives 3 hrs away, a very good schoolfriend, and a friend I made at work 2 years ago, who lives locally. But this woman was my closest local friend. School mum.
We met in reception, when we had both been dumped by other groups of mums. Our ds's didn't care for eachother initially, but became best friends. I always thought it would have been easier if they hadn't because i considered her my friend. We have 2 younger ds's who also adore eachother. We would pop round for cofee. She lives round the corner. We stagered home from school xmas drinks. My dh took her dh out for pints and dug his patio. We had 2 NYE's round at thiers with both boys. They came as a familty to have bbq's. She and I went and stayed in our caravan with the boys for a week. I valued her friendship HIGHLY.
The boys went on cub camp, this summer. On return, She said her ds didn't want to see mine. She phoned. She was on fire. telling me that my son had doen this and that. Terribel things she said. Turned out it was all lies and her ds had lied. But it was the way she treated me and what she said that really really hurt. I cried so much. Firstly for my poor son, who had done very little wrong. And his loss of a best friend (although they are back to being best friends again now, (how can that be maintained, when the mums are now at logerheads?). But more so for me. I was gutted that i had lost what I THOUGHT was such a close friend.
No contact all summer. Then, in the playground, she was talking to another mum about something that was so close to the mark, it was not appropariate. I told the other mum and her so.
She rang me. She was on fire. shouting and swearing, f*kign this, f*king that. In the nd, she was shouting at me, asking me why I didn't have much to say.
So I told her. Very calmly. I told her how upset i was at everything. I told her everything i wanted to say. I did myself proud.
she finally apologised, for her sons lying and how she had conducted herself.
I rang her the next day to say, that I was glad of the apology. But the swearing was not o.k. She apologised again. But since then, she has been cold as ice. I obviously didn't expect it to go back to how it was before... but......
I am stil so gutted for myself. And I feel sorry for my son, becasue I can not see how his friendship, with her ds, can be maintained. But this is not my sons fault.
I noticed that I had been de-friended on facebook. So i sent a message to ask if this was intentional. No response.
Dh has no comrpehension as to why i am so upset. My friends can't understand why I would want to be friends with her. But the sense of loss is incredible.
And i feel so sorry for my son. AND i have to go through years of still seing her every day at school. The ds's still have 3 years left. And my ds2 starts next year, so I will still have anoher 7 years of it. which just rubs salt into the wounds.

I don't know why this hurts me so badly. But the sense of grief is immense. I want to know when this is going to stop hurting.

TLC123 · 24/10/2012 20:48

Oblomov this is so similar had what has happened to me recently, the sense of grief is something I can understand very well, plus the knowing you will probably end up bumping into this person regularly Sad I can't decide if it's the loss of a friendship or the feeling of being rejected that is worse? I am lucky I have some other ( very nice not the dumping sort) friends, time is proving to be a great healer for me, I think we will find all these 'dumpers' weren't worth knowing in the first place!

troubador · 24/10/2012 21:08

No.

Though I have done this, I did it really recently with someone from antenatal group.

I think the big issue was that she thought we were 'close' friends (though often didn't treat me like one) and I did not think we were that close.

I had put off doing it for far too long, but it was one of the best things I've ever done. I wish I'd done it sooner tbh.

GeekLove · 24/10/2012 21:54

I along with DH got dumped by our friend who we had met at university and had been a BM at our wedding. We were at a New Years party and had stayed the night along with others in the shared house that she lived in.
We had actually managed to get up on New years day in the morning so we went to see other people we knew since she seldom got up before midday even at the weekend. So we return back planning to relax with our friends before retiring with the plan of helping with the clear up the next day only to be told "you are going. Now". Now we had both been to the pub so it was more luck rather than judgement that we were fit to drive.
This wasnt the first time she had gone off on one, and what usually happened was that she would apologise next time we sAw her and that would be that. So me thinking it was such a blip only to be given a grilling. Somehow in helping to prepare for the party we were somehow responsible for all the bad things that had happened in the New year amd that stuff had gone missing. Nothing to do with the squalor she chose to live in. I was left a bit stunned after that. I did still keep in contact -she never phoned us even before but only ever got answer phone.
I then decided to do an experiment to see if she would contact us of her own initiative. After 6 months of silence I assumed we were dropped as is the case today.looking back the signs were there but it took a single incident to see things as they where.

Oblomov · 24/10/2012 22:01

TLC, I am so very very sorry that you have had somehting similar happen to you. I wouldn't wish this on anyone. You sound a lot calmer than I am. How have you managed that? Please give me your words of wisdom. I am all ears.

bringbacksideburns · 24/10/2012 22:33

I was good friends with a girl when i was a student. She was a flatmate. I went to visit her at her family ow chilhome many times. She was one of my Bridesmaids and i was one of hers. She was great company.

I told her i was pregnant and never heard from her again. Nothing. No card to check all had gone well. Zilch. Her and her husband used to visit us and vice versa. I loved her husband and her family.

We have a mutual friend and she has gone on to have two children. They met up with another old college friend and i suppose i could have gone along. But i just couldn't. I would not know what to say to her. I don't understand her actions. I'm not hurt just puzzled. Because if she'd gone off me that's fine and it happens, but to never acknowledge the birth of my first child? I can't get over that. I see she has recently joined Facebook on my 'people you might know' but i think too much water has gone under the bridge now - 12 years.

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