Has anyone been 'dropped' by someone you thought to be a good friend for no reason you can discern?

[badsmell]

This has happened to me twice in the last couple of years since the birth of my first baby. Whilst normally this might upset me a little bit and then I would move on just lately I have spent more time than is healthy dwelling and speculating on wnat I might have done. Is this something I have in common with other sahm as I spend alot of time on my own? It is a horrible feeling thinking that I might be doing or saying something that winds people up.
I wanted to start a thread as I am interested to know how others have found new and old friendships post baby.
I may have a touch of paranoia too so if there are no responses I know I must be functioning very badly socially!

So often on Mumsnet an OP who has got dumped by a friend gets posts saying 'she's clearly a bitch, it's her fault, she's rude, she's a social climber'. I don't think that's helpful. I think it's far more useful to look honestly at yourself because sometimes the problem does lie with you. As you can see from the posts on here from others who have had to cut friends out.

My trouble is taking people under my wing. I had to dump 3 friends in the last 2 years mainly because I felt sorry for them having no friends, then realised why a few years down the line. One was using me as a decoy to meet her lover in town and went after every male I knew - really embarrassing when yr new partner says they fear being alone with yr friend! Second girl I decided (after a lot of consideration, over a year) to gently explain her so called bf was telling everyone they hadn't been together for about a year - possibly over stepped the mark telling her but thought I would hate for everyone else to know and not me... She said I was the worst friend and had no idea what I was talking about, evil/bitch etc etc. About 4 weeks later she discovered another 'friend's shoes outside his bedroom. Suddenly wanted to be friends again after finally getting truth out of the bloke, but I refused. She trusted him over me so clearly wasn't a good friendship. Last and most recent was a friend who had apparently been holding a lot of petty grudges for years (trivial things like petrol money - FFS just ask for more if I haven't given enough!) and suddenly she decided to inform me of all on my DD's 1st b.day....via FB as she couldn't even be bothered to come. Really not worth having people like this in yr life IMO. People can drift apart for good reason.

lovechoc, why not start a new thread of your own, rather than resurrecting one 4 years old?

Sabriel I don't mind adding to a thread which is precisely the kind of topic I was looking to start a thread on. I've enjoyed reading everyone's unique POV on this.

Oh for gods sake since when did it matter soooooo much that threads were resurrected? There is often some good stuff in them. Why do people have to justify dusting them off and restarting them lol

Worse things happen in the world

Which is worse, resurrecting a zombie thread which covers exactly the area you want to talk about

Or

Starting a new thread and getting 101 posts telling you the subject has been 'done to death'.

It's a tough call.

what piprabbit said. Agree with you ThingsThatMakeYouGoHmm. I didn't see the point in starting a new thread on this, tbh. Being 'dropped' is an experience of several others, so why trudge through the same turf with another identical thread, IMO.

I have found this thread (resurrected or not) really interesting as I was the 'dumper' a few years ago and I do feel bad about it as I'm not a mean person but I couldn't deal with the confrontation and all the reasons seemed quite petty and that I was 'dragging up' things that are years old.

However I couldn't forget (or forgive) the many, many slights including asking me to be bridesmaid then changing her mind, agreeing to come to a significant party then cancelling, openly saying she would rather go out with other friends, leaving an answer phone message then leaving ANOTHER very rude message 24 hours later if I had the audacity to be too busy to call back immediately. I dreaded the phone ringing, if I was busy with the kids or tea I felt pressure to call back IMMEDIATELY.

She is genuinely mystified (I know as she has spoken to a mutual friend) but bloody hell I just didn't need it any more.

Cathartic, much!

Yes - by one of my closest friends. I don't know why. I think it is because I got a functioning relationship and children. She, on the other hand, still hangs around with my ex and his bunch of mates with arrested development. I was very sad about it for a while but now truly couldn't give a monkeys.

I have recently lost my very best friend of 27 years. I have a vague idea why - her life has changed. But she has shut me out. I did alot of running around earlier this year when things seemed to cool off such as her not returning my calls and on the rare occassion she did, she wasn't 100% there - she was texting someone at the same time or asking her husband what was in the Freezer for tea. No call lasted more than 5 minutes. It got to June and I asked her outright if she was OK, if I had upset her cos we had changed and she denied it - just said she was busy 4 months and I have not heard a thing out of her. She has even stopped liking and commenting on my FB. I called her 3 weeks ago and left a message saying I hope all was OK her end, we must have loads to catch up on and that actually I was really missing her and could she just get intouch to let me know she was OK even if she hasnt got time for a chat and catch up. I have heard nothing.

Its an utterly shit feeling. It hurts like hell and I have cried because I miss her so much. She is my best friend. I have no one else like her. I have plenty of lovely friends but she is special, we grew up together etc etc. Last time I felt like this was when my fiance(before I met DH) called off our wedding (20 years ago). I am really hurt and tearful. I posted a letter to her Friday and if I dont hear from her then I will know for sure I have been dumped - although I kind of know already .

Sorry for the self indulgent post but really reeling it tonight.

Oh SoggySummer, big hugs to you.

I'm so sorry your friend is acting the way she is. I do think that after a long friendship she should at least give you the courtesy of an explanation. She's being really cruel. There is nothing worse than being dumped by a friend when you genuinely have no idea of what the heck you have actually done. I think finding out what you've supposedly 'done' does actually help to draw a line underneath it for you, whilst now you feel in limbo.

Do you and your best friend have any mutual friends? Could you ask them at all? Or maybe even speak to her husband?

soggysummer I completely understand what you're going through. It's horrible isn't it? :(

I really hope you can move on, onwards and upwards as the saying goes! That's what I'm trying to do, but it's still at the back of my mind. Thankfully having DC does help take your mind off it most of the day. In the evenings I find it difficult sometimes as I've more time to think about this kind of stuff.

What a very interesting thread. I have just dropped a friend of 30+ years too. I thought long and hard about it but I couldnt take the onesidedness of it any more. It does go back many years and Lindt's and Soggysummer's posts really resonate with me. Perhaps we all change and even such long friendships sometimes run their course? She has become a condescending cow and I really dont need that.

I wouldnt wish this on anyone. I will remember to be more sympathetic next time one of my DDs gets upset at a broken friendship.

Sorry others are going through this as well.

We definately change and maybe we have both changed a bit too much. I hope not.

My kids are older now 11 and almost 14. I do remember there being a huge shift in my friend circles when I had my first child. Even those I thought were special seemed to drift.

I think once you have kids the people who dont have that life tend to drift away. Not all but I think its a mix of your world become to different to those that are still career hungry and single or dating lots of different people and partying etc. Then there are those that maybe jealous/envious deep down of your cosy happy family set up etc On the face of it they seem happy but maybe underneath they want the house, the bloke the baby etc etc.

I certainly recall a lovely friend who was single, career hungry, dating lots of fitties making a great effort to keep in touch with me after DD1 was born but I found her convo slightly boring or irritating and even shallow sometimes and I am sure she probably thought my conversation about how much/little sleep, weaning etc bored her to tears, we just drifted which is sad - we just stopped having a common bond.

"Unless you keep having experiences in common, sometimes the energy to keep the relationship alive just dries up and that's what happened."

peterrabbit you've summed it up very well with this statement, because I think that's what's happened with my friendship. We just don't have anything in common anymore. We did years ago but now there's not much in our personal lives that are the same (she's single, no intention of family and I'm the complete opposite). DH says that shouldn't matter though. However, it looks like it ultimately does matter. Or I wouldn't even be discussing this online!

"In fact I've never found it so hard to have or keep friends since I became a Mum."

So true. I feel this more than ever now. Friendships are completely different once you have children.

I 'dumped' a friend, and have been dumped too, it isn''t pleasant.

I heard from a mutual friend that the friend I dumped couldn't understand why, always been great friends, it was me being weird etc, but it wasn't true. We had been great friends, but we'd grown apart - I was getting married, wanted children, bought a house etc, whereas she was single, going clubbing a lot, focusing on her career.

Not a problem to me, I was happy to hear about her life, but she just couldn't stop sneering at my choices. She took the mick out of me for buying a house in the suburbs, got annoyed at me for not being willing to cancel a long standing plan with the inlaws to go to a gig, sneered at my clothes telling me I looked mumsy (dark blue bootcut jeans, instead of pale skinnies). She thought I was dull for not being willing to blow £££ in topshop or go out getting smashed every weekend. I called her on it a few times, but it was always me being boring or uncool or just a joke

I eventually dumped her a few weeks before my wedding. I was telling her about plans and mentioned that I'd been shopping for honeymoon clothes. She asked disinterestedly where I was going (booked a year, talked about it loads) then sneered 'Oh. Are you still set on going there then? Why don't you go somewhere interesting?' I just thought, screw it. She has no interest in me, thinks I'm dull and can't even feign an interest in something I'm really excited about. I'd tried to talk about it previously, but she'd dismissed me, so I wasn't making an effort this time. I just stopped answering her calls or messages, and just deleted her from facebook after a few months, when I felt sure I really wasn't bothered about her.

It amazes me that she tells friends she couldn't understand why I dumped her, it upset her so much etc. I'm more surprised that she didn't just dump me when she clearly didn't have much interest in me!

Yes, yes, yes... Almost 5 years ago and it still really hurts. Have seen her a couple of times since through mutual friends but she treats me the way a vague acquaintance would, despite the fact that she was my best friend, my chief bridesmaid, first person other than DH to visit me in hospital after having DS1.... No explanation, just stopped returning calls/emails. I carried on sending Christmas/ birthday cards but she has now moved and not given me her address. I don't suppose I'll ever have another friend that close again :(

I've been dumped and also done the dumping.

I still feel a little bit bad about the dumping but it was an old school friend I only saw once or twice a year. Her life had got increasingly chaotic and manic and I'd just had DD, I really couldn't deal with it. I found out later that she'd had drink/drug/MH probs I feel a bit bad I couldn't be there for her because I wouldn't normally consider myself a fair weather friend but the first 6 months with DD was a very difficult time for me, I was sleep deprived to the point of collapse and I just couldn't deal with any more chaos in my life.

Once I think was dumped by a baby friend because of a throw away comment I made. I thought she was nice but I think she's neurotic to be offended about it.

I was dumped at school by my 2 best friends and it hurt for years . School is so hard, you just can't get away. Looking back, they were both bitches and I was actually much better off without them both.

I might have been dumped at other time but I haven't noticed!

Yes I've been the dumper and dumpee before I still feel bad for my friend I dumped but we could never be friends now

I had a lovely friend who was ther through the hard times, the MC, the still birth.

When my business took off and I was wealthy and had a lovely baby boy she didn't want to know any more.

I was dumped. My friend and I met while pregnant and our children share a birthday. 2 years later we both had another baby and supported each other through dealing with a newborn and toddler.

During or of my visits she told me she screens all phone calls and only answers if she want a to speak to the caller. A few weeks later I called, no reply. I trie again a few days later and left a message. Then tried once more a week or so later. No reply again so I took the hint.

We had no contact for 2 years then met up at a toddler group. She started talking to me like nothing had happened. We work in the same place now and do chat and get along but I can't be friends with her like we were before. How do I know she won't cut me off again?