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Relationships

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Has anyone been 'dropped' by someone you thought to be a good friend for no reason you can discern?

165 replies

badsmell · 18/05/2008 22:11

This has happened to me twice in the last couple of years since the birth of my first baby. Whilst normally this might upset me a little bit and then I would move on just lately I have spent more time than is healthy dwelling and speculating on wnat I might have done. Is this something I have in common with other sahm as I spend alot of time on my own? It is a horrible feeling thinking that I might be doing or saying something that winds people up.
I wanted to start a thread as I am interested to know how others have found new and old friendships post baby.
I may have a touch of paranoia too so if there are no responses I know I must be functioning very badly socially!

OP posts:
shreksmissus · 19/05/2008 09:07

Message withdrawn

RubberDuck · 19/05/2008 09:17

See, I think this is a natural ebb and flow of relationships. Most friendships aren't the forever kind, and change depending on life circumstances (esp when you move from one state to the other - no kids/being family focussed).

A phrase I've heard before which I think makes perfect sense to me is:

"Some friends are for a reason, some friends are for a season and some friends are for life."

I can think of several people that I was friendly with for a particular reason during a difficult stage of life. E.g. in the first term of Uni when we were all like a fish out of water, or baby group friends while none of us had a clue. Nothing else in common, but good while it lasted and we naturally drifted apart when we no longer needed each other.

Other friends lasted a year or two, but when we moved away or other things changed then the relationship faded.

Very rare but precious are those you've had for years, may not have much contact with on a day to day basis, but getting together again feels like you've never been apart and can fall into easy conversation as if there hasn't been 7 years and 2 children separating the last time you were together.

If you get too wrapped up in the whys and wherefores of very natural relationship patterns, then you miss out on the new friendships that are around the corner. Let her go. Meet new people.

RubberDuck · 19/05/2008 09:17

(oh bugger, just seen that psycho mum has already done the season, reason, life thing )

RubberDuck · 19/05/2008 09:22

Oh, another thing it could be. I know for a fact I get far less sociable in the winter months. I get mild SAD and pretty much go into hibernation and don't want to do the whole social talk/going out for the evening thing - I find it draining and unenjoyable. I make up for it in the summer

Could your friend be depressed?

vermilion · 19/05/2008 09:34

I can't speak for anyone else, but in my case it was a very clear (though polite) rejection of contact, help at a tricky time, etc. It was obvious! And never explained.

harpsichordcarrier · 19/05/2008 09:39

yes, it happened to me at college, a girl I was very very friendly with (we shared a room) and it was incredibly upsetting, like a relationship breakup.
I think she just "outgrew" me - she moved onto newer group of friends, cooler, got a corporate haircut and a new wardrobe. I think she upgraded
the whole thing was very painful tbh

electra · 19/05/2008 10:39

This has happened to me too. My problem is that I too spend a lot of time wondering why, when I should have accepted that it was something to do with them and not me. Now I usually reason to myself that the friends I have had since childhood have never dumped me.

TheProvincialLady · 19/05/2008 10:44

This happened to me last year. A very good friend of mine came to stay with me and DH for the weekend...very pleasant...and then just never returned an email or phone call again. I thought maybe he had changed mobile number so I phoned his mum to get the new one - when I found out it was the same number I rang and left a very, ahem, cathartic message about what I thought of his behaviour.

I know what the cause is. Fancy media job and coke

Enid · 19/05/2008 10:45

yes

and I am a bit concerned I have Done Something but not quite sure what

hifi · 19/05/2008 10:46

a very good friend has dropped me, avoided my calls and emails . she sent an explanatory email, which i let another friend look at for a second opinion.
the more i read it the more pissed off i get, she says, "i know you are a lovely mum, your priorities have changed and maybe you dont like meeting for drinks, gigs and dinner anymore" wtf, what else is there to do?
she has dropped 3 long time friends this year and her current friends are all from work,no boyfriend for 9 years, 38 and desperate for a baby.

TheDevilWearsPrimark · 19/05/2008 10:46

Electra that is part of it, friends from childhood are genuinely friends for life, you really have more time to form the proper bnds. That means you may not see each other for a month or so but when you see each other again it's not an issue and things are the same as ever.
As an adult you really need to work to form close bonds, and obviously it is harder as you have far less time and don't do the silly thnigs that bond you. (staying up all night eating icecream and watching films e.g)

Of all my 'friends' at university I'm still only in close touch with one, my best friends are all from my school days. I have 'friends' from toddler etc that I meet with the DC for coffee etc and we are very amiable but, sad to say, I wouldn't miss them if we lost touch. That's just how it goes.

TheDevilWearsPrimark · 19/05/2008 10:49

hifi, that is obvious, she probably wants to distance herself from people who have what she carves. But you probably know that anyway.

TheDevilWearsPrimark · 19/05/2008 10:49

carves? craves.

missblythe · 19/05/2008 10:51

I had a friend who came to our house for Xmas, moved to our area on London to be nearer to us, came on holiday with us. Basically, was a forever-friend, or so I thought

Then suddenly, nothing. She bad-mouthed me to mutual friends, managed to turn some against me, and then became besties with a C-list Eastende, bizarrely.

It was a bizarre time, and I used to sit on teh tube on teh way home form work after another mutual friend had snubbed me, just crying my eyes out like a nutter.

Now she has C-list-style boob inplants and dodgy hair extensions, but I have a delicious toddler.

But I do still, on occasion, wonder what did I do?

Kewcumber · 19/05/2008 10:52

no quite - but got dropped by a friend for a bizarre reason. Sent her a Xmas card with the announcement that I was apporved to adopt... nearly 5 yrs ago now and haven't heard form her since!

She told a mutual friend that she didn't know how to react so said nothing

TigerFeet · 19/05/2008 10:57

I have had two friends do this

First was one of my bridesmaids. Our friendship went tits up when she started seeing my brother, they bought a house and got engaged then she went a bit psycho tbh. They are no longer together and we have cut off all contact. They were still together when dd was born and she said she was all excited about being an auntie but once dd was born there was nothing, no card, no phone call to ask how we were getting on, nothing. I last saw her when dd was 6mo when I held a family get-together, she was all full of what was going on in her life and not interested in me or my baby at all. They split up shortly afterwards and tbh it's a bit of a relief as she turned into a total nutter.

Second one was a colleague who I also thought was a friend, again she said she was excited about the baby but once I went on maternity leave - nothing. She was promoted whilst I was on ML and when I went back to work I had to take over her old job as well as my own and that of our former boss and she couldn't even be arsed to hand over properly, I was dumped right in the shit running a project that I had no idea about.

I was really sad about both of them for a while but as time has passed I am glad to be rid of them - in hindsight they were both selfish grabbing people who only wanted my friendship when they got something out of it - Friend 1 because she wanted a relationship with my brother (she was my friend before she was db's gf) and Friend 2 because I propped her up at work and once she got her new job she didn't need me any more.

Better off rid imho

nickytwotimes · 19/05/2008 11:00

I've been 'dumped' by a friend. She just stopped returning calls from me and others. A whole group of us !

BTW, I've also dumped - I regret it. There was no reason for it. I was severly depressed at the time and just couldn't communicate with any one. I wish I could make amends.

pinkyminky · 19/05/2008 11:07

When I was younger, I was not very good at keeping up friendships. I have major problems with self-esteem and just thought people would not be bothered if I was there or not. I realised I was wrong when I really upset someone by not getting in touch..it became another stick to beat myself with.
I still struggle a bit to initiate contact as I fear rejection. It's very silly, probably, but there you go.

TheDevilWearsPrimark · 19/05/2008 11:17

If you feel you've dumped a friend and regret it why not just send a text or an email, don't go into detil just a simple 'how are you' and see what happens.

You never know, they may feel they were the one that dumped you.

wooga · 19/05/2008 11:38

I have been in this situation recently,'friend' A caused trouble by making out I was slagging off 'friend' B,then denied it despite 'friend' B's H telling me what she'd been up to.

This all happened at a hard time in my life,which made it harder to understand.

Definitely like the stuff I thought I left behind at school!

However,now I've distanced myself from her group I feel I'm better off away from her-she was a major emotional drain and forever needs others to do things for her-user.I can't be arsed with all the bitching that goes on and would rather be alone than have fake friends.

She is very childish too,using text to communicate instead of just talking-it's really nice not getting silly texts all the time!Every time it said 'hun xxxx' I knew she was after something.

Am moving to different area soon(new start after separation)and I really hope I'll meet some nice people in time.

Heffa · 19/05/2008 11:45

One of my friends dumped me after I told her I was pregnant. I would be bothered, but she's always been quite a toxic person and I'm better off with her out of my life tbh. She'd already dumped all of our mutual friends as well.

RubberDuck · 19/05/2008 11:49

I think there's a huge difference between a sudden break off by friend who does something dreadful (e.g. bad mouths you, goes behind your back, etc) and just a general drifting of contact though.

With the former, you obviously have justifiable complaint and the fault is all with that ex-friend (and you also have the added bonus of relief that they're out of your life!)

With the latter, I feel that you can get too worked up if you dwell on it - often you read far more into it than is actually there. It could just be she's feeling antisocial at that point in time, or life circumstances have changed, or you both just don't have that much in common anymore. They might not even be aware that they haven't had much contact recently. Or you may have completely misread cues and they were never really that in to you.

By dwelling on it, you can get het up and see slights that really were never there. Worse, you can end up poisoning future relationships by coming across as too "needy" or setting up your own self-fulfilling prophecy ("woe is me, I never seem to hold on to friendships for long these days").

Far better to think "yeah, that friendship was great for that moment in time" and move on. Meet new people. Don't expect one person to be your be all and end all, it's too much pressure on them and we all have different lives and different commitments which can vary over time.

I do sometimes wonder if we cling on to an outdated ideal of friendship harking back to primary school "you're my bestest friend ever and we have to do EVERYTHING together" then fall for the same old misery a short time later when said "bestest ever friend" has moved on to another kid in the playground.

RubberDuck · 19/05/2008 11:50
piratecat · 19/05/2008 11:51

i was dropped by my so called best mate of 8 yrs, when i met dh.

i tried my very best to keep it going, we were housesharing at the time.

I could not get an answer about what had changed, and i deliberatley, and wanted to spend time just with her. I was pretty devastated, and i couldn't understand why.

Sanctuary · 19/05/2008 11:51

It has only happened once to me and that was 18 months ago by a friend from school.

I had no idea why i thought we were close friends She just stopped speaking just like that
She did it to 3 of us at the school gates.
It really hurt at the time and I felt like I was back in the playground as a kid again getting dirty looks etc etc

18 months later I feel nothing but relief the friendship was so draining and her being bitchy about everyone at the school gates .

Now people who would never of spoke to me because I would be stood with her .Speak to me and everything is for the better.
And she stands alone

What goes around comes around