Has anyone been 'dropped' by someone you thought to be a good friend for no reason you can discern?

[badsmell]

This has happened to me twice in the last couple of years since the birth of my first baby. Whilst normally this might upset me a little bit and then I would move on just lately I have spent more time than is healthy dwelling and speculating on wnat I might have done. Is this something I have in common with other sahm as I spend alot of time on my own? It is a horrible feeling thinking that I might be doing or saying something that winds people up.
I wanted to start a thread as I am interested to know how others have found new and old friendships post baby.
I may have a touch of paranoia too so if there are no responses I know I must be functioning very badly socially!

I was dropped by a so-called 'friend' when she realised I wasn't there just to pick up her kids, give them meals, etc.

I'm much happier with a few really reliable friends, rather than lots of toxic ones.

V good thread btw, it's good to know there are so many of us.

i have 2 friends from secondary school that i see probably only once or twice a year but i know they will be there for life. when we meet up it's never awkward and we never run out of things to say. however i don't speak to anyone else i went to school with. i was friends with them at the time cos i had to be (went to a small school with only about 15 people in my class and you couldn't really choose your friends) they were all snobby and bitchy and shallow and when i left i made no effort to keep in touch whatsoever. one of the 2 i stayed friends with hated the environment so much she attempted suicide twice and then moved schools so felt the same as me and the other one again was my lifeline during the last year of school. we both hated them so went round as a bit of a 2some for most of the last 12 months.

when i started 6th form i somehow ended up in a similar group of girls. it wasn't until the end of the first year i switched groups and made a much nicer group of friends. one of them has gone a bit odd and dumped us all. i wasn't there the night of the arguement and although i do still sometimes see her it all feels a bit forced. one girl has clearly chosen her over us even though she still sees us and if it feels a bit forced with her 2. our group has split into 2 it seems but the rest of us are much closer for it tbh and i think we will be friends for life. we don't see eachother all that much cos most of them are away at uni but we always make the effort to meet up every so often.

i have made a friend through work recently who has a ds the same age as my son and although we originally started meeting up at of work because of the kids we also go out without them and get on great so it hink she may be another friend for life. i have recently fallen out with a group of friends over something really silly and she came a long a few weeks later. it's almost like she came to replace them and to be there for me so i wouldn't be lonely.

shall stop blabbering now!!

@ RubberDuck

I've actually found it really helpful to read this!

I got dropped by someone I considered a really close friend about Sept last year - it ate me up for months. Particularly because she "stole" another of my friends then dropped me. It hurt soooo much and I really couldn't get my head round it. I asked her several times if there was a problem, that I thought we were good friends etc but it really appeared she wasn't interested. It coincided with a time when I was very ill and going through some horrendous treatment so the last thing I needed. We still bump in to each other as we live nearby and have the same social group and she acts like nothing is wrong but won't actually meet me etc like we used to, she didn't even tell me she was pregnant this last time. Anyway, it's taken a long time to realise that I don't actually need a friend like that! But the bit that really got to me was how I could have misjudged someone so badly! But hey, lesson learnt that's for sure!

this thread has helped me too.

This happened to me with a girl I thought was a really close friend. We shared a flat and she joined my circle, had lots of mutual friends and had a great laugh together. Then one day - completely out of the blue, she had been lovely in the monring - I walked into the kitchen and chatting away to her and she walked out without a word.

I am usually a pretty robust person, but was really shocked and hurt. I thought I must have done something (totally inadvertently) wrong. But she absolutely refused to look at me or tell me what I had "done". The only thing she ever said to me again was "I was brought up to be polite and i was taught that if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all, so I can't speak to you" .

It really cut me up at the time. i was so hurt, especially as home was not a lovely sanctuary at the end of the day. I'd get in after a sh*tty day and there she was, radiating waves of hatred towards me and staying absolutely silent, clutching the remote control. So silent that she wouldn't even pass on phone messages to me, one with a job offer, which I lost out on . I lived in my room.

Friends said "Don't take it personally" but it was personal. She was her usual fun and chatty self with all our friends who noticed there was something up, which is what she intended. They asked me what was wrong and I said truthfully, that I didn't know, had triedn to talk to her etc. They asked her what was the matter and she'd sigh, look tearful and say that she "couldn't say, don't want to stir or for you to think badly of GryffinGirl". She would refuse to come out if I was there and and everyone thought I had done something terribly hurtful to her and it was all my fault. Eventually they stopped inviting me. It was all so wired!

I realised after soul searching, and thinking that surely I must have done something to deserve being treated like this, no matter how unknowingly which I could apologise for and make amends, that I had done nothing at all. She just decided she wanted my friends all to herself and mounted a campaign to "oust" me. It destroyed my confiednce for a long time and even made me question my personality because it must be "me" .

There was no escaping her, but eventually i managed to move out and to this day if I am very stressed, I will dream about her .

Smoetimes a friend will drop you because they are struggling and depressed...not your fault...I have avoided friends at these times, simply because the fear of being too needy, of being unable to function socially, of never being able to help them through something similar in return, has made it far more dealable with just not to see them.
Or rather, it felt nearly impossible to see them.

One fell out with me over a pregnancy... Once she had a child she understood - I think - but there was a while when I just lost all feelings for her, didn't care if she disappeared - yet she kept on trying to make friends again, she said she didn't want to lose me. It was odd but we have rebuilt. I still think it bugs us both when we think back, but we try and concentrate on the here and now as life is too short to waste a good friendship over an unhappy past. I think I'm not the only one who has been bawled out by her over some perceived insult - it's just part of her repertoire I avoid nowadays. I'm not faultless and she accepts me.

This happened to my dh. Friends over 30 years - since childhood. Then when dh had children his bf just stopped calling.

Dh tried to find out first - why, and then if his friend was OK - he had suffered from depression in the past and dh felt maybe he had not been supportive.

Dh even drove (300 miles) to his house to see if he was OK - left a message on his phone to let him know when - friend was not in.

His friend eventually answered the phone and told him to stop calling, stop calling his friends, that he had no feelings for him any more and felt dh was stalking him.

Dh has still not got over it (2 years later). I feel so angry about his friend (who I used to like). For being a coward and not telling dh honestly that things had changed. For not being able to let the friendship develop into something more distant. For blaming dh and letting dh feel that he is a bad friend.

gryffin girl - that sounds awful, she sounds absolutely nuts. It sounds a bit like psychological torture. I bet she is still at home clutching her remote control!

I reckon I have been sacked btw, the fiend in question has moved on to different pastures. I'M trying to be very polite!
There is always the nagging question - but what did I do?

This friend is having a party which I haven't been invited to. Another mutual friend has though plus various others from toddler groups etc...

The other person was a very good friend, shortly after her wedding she stopped returning calls, letters it was very odd.

It is horrible - however I have met some other nice people.

I have found myself getting quite obsessed about it thinking that the route cause was some trivial thing. I thought yesterday that it was appealing to stay at home and enjoy my own company - much easier.

I still wonder whether men do this in their friendships.
oh by the way which eastender was it?!

I'm not a dim wit by the way but is it root or route? doh!

Nice to know that this is happens to other people. I lost a couple of very good friends. One of them i still have know idea why, i used to call her and leave messages etc, whenever i spoke to her she would say 'oh yes we must meet up', but we never did in the end i stopped trying.

Another friend and i lost contact when i got preganat, she can't have children so i understand why she stopped calling.

I have posted a couple of times about making friends when you are a SAHM and how bloody damn hard it is. And it is. I feel like i am always the one that calls people etc, but when i do call and say hey lets meet up, we do meet up. So i figure if i make the effort then at least my days get filled instead of waiting for the phone to ring.

Just a final point, those of you who have dropped a friend, can i ask why?

Well, I assume my 'friend' dropped me because she got married and I'd just split up with my long term ex dickhead boyfriend. It's the only thing I can think of

badsmell - it is horrible isn't it.

oh, she was a nutter . I have no evidence (and this is where my experience probably differs from most other people's experience of being dropped by a friend) but i think was a bit unhinged. I suspect she used my toothbrush to clean the loo once. I got horrendous sickness bug when living with her and the doctor thought that might be what happened. Sounds funny now, wastn't then.

It took me a long time to realise it though and, like I said, I am a pretty strong confident person, so it was horrible to feel like that.

I don't think men really do this to such a great extent. Dh and my male mates tend to have friends they go to the pub with, longer term friends you'd ask to help you out in a fix, etc... Seem to have a wider circle of aquaintances that they'll happily socialise with.

Whereas early on in childhood, girls very much seem to seek out a single special friend and then when that relationship goes sour take it very hard (practising for boyfriend/girlfriend relationships later on in life?).

Huge sweeping generalisations there of course, with all the flaws that brings.

I have to say that I tend to the male model of friendship myself. I don't think I've dropped any friends, but reading through some (not the outwardly mean ones) of these stories makes me wonder if some think I have dropped them in the past. I tend to drift away from relationships where it seems to be me making all the effort all the time - once you've organised the Xth night out or meet up where people cancel at the last minute, or invite people round for coffee who don't reciprocate then you tend to lose interest, tbh.

Friends from where I've moved away (and I've moved around a fair amount in my life) just naturally don't keep in such contact with any more. I tried when we left, but a lot of those friendships depended on being present and/or having the same age kids who liked playing together rather than anything deeply in common.

Quite a few of my closer friends we'll only meet up once every few years (hi again TF ) but we'll chat lots via email, IM and online and it doesn't seem to matter. Other people seem to need more work to keep any connection going, and really - who has the time or the energy to keep something going when neither of you are really that interested? Would much rather spend the energy on my family!

I should add that while I love socializing when I'm in the mood to be sociable, I naturally tend to being introverted and more than happy in my own company - this may well influence how bothered I am by people drifting away!

But I do generally think you're going to give yourself a lot of grief if you dwell too much on what other people might think/do - and you can often read far too much into other people's motives than is actually even there.

I haven't read all of this but when stuff like this happens when you're at home with a baby I do know it plays on your mind a lot more.

Badsmell I don't know if you're at home or working but I find now (on mat leave) that I go over and over the smallest things in my head and can get quite paranoid. I suppose it's to do with being alone quite a lot and/or nothing to occupy your mind apart from small children.

I certainly know that when I was at work I didn't have time to get so worked up about stuff.

So try not to dwell on it too much (need to take my own advice!!!)

Those wre two very good posts, rubberduck. I have given up where I seem to be the only one making an effort, as you describe. not sure I wouls term that as dropping a friend in the same way as some on here.

I'm quite private, too. I work on my own most of the time.
I just wish I had a bit more self-confidence so I didn't take everything to be my fault the whole time. Not dwelling can be really hard to achieve.

I once dumped a friend...she always had the sexual capacity of a rutting rhino but when she invited my DH to join her in a threesome I took exception to it...I don't see her now!

But it also happened to me: when I got pregnant our closest friends (up to that point) just stopped all contact with both of us.
We sent Xmas cards and dropped in one them one day with our baby...no reciprocation, I was pretty upset.
So then they moved house but did not send us a change of address card, so I thought, well that's that then. Fast forward 3 years, I meet them in the street totally by accident with DD. They act like they are so pleased to see me but a bit creepy like saying "how ARE you?" 5 times in as many minutes with their faces right in my face. They completely ignored DD and kept saying how "thrilling" their lives were now and how they had such a big social circle.
I could not get away fast enough...

I think they just did not want to know someone with a child. Very sad.
I think I had a lucky escape really.

It happened to me when I had my first baby with a friend who already had 2 children so I thought it would bring us closer...but no. Dont know why- but guessed it had something to do with me breastfeeding as she made me feel totally awful that I would do "it" and she never did for either of hers. I once fed my baby at her house (after asking her because baby was screaming the place down) and she was very on edge, not knowing quite where to look (although I was very discreet). Still see her and she is exceptionally friendly inviting me to tea etc. now that I have stopped doing it but once bitten twice shy. Just think that you will have some transient friends but the ones who matter are there through thick and thin...

I was dropped by a lifelong friend. We were each others bridesmaids, went on holidays together she is godmother to ds, then apparantly her new dh decided I was a negative influence in her life and she hasn't spoken to me since. She is no longer in contact with her parents or many of her other friends either. It hurt, and I spent a lot of time wondering if I was really "toxic" but I will never know the real reason.

It's difficult to manage friendships after kids, especially if you don't live nearby, both have kids and drive! I only have 1 too, I really don;t know how those with more do it.

Money is an issue, time is an issue not to mention energy.

I try not to worry if I don;t hear from people as I often don't realise how much time has passed between contacting friends. The best friends are the ones who don't mind that I'm crap and hence I have a bevy of 'crap' friends that I get to see once or twice a year. I'm hoping to learn to drive at some point in future so will be able to eb a bit more proactive myself.

I'm lucky enough to live in a very friendly an kid friendly street so we all see each otehr a lot. Is there anyone with young kids in your street?

In one of my circles of friends (1) a friend died and 2 (friends 2 + 3) others then fell out. I said something about one of them (friend 2) which I then apologised for and the other friend (friend 3) has then since dumped me as she feels I was being disloyal to her.. I have seen such a change in her since our friend died that I am very surprised about. On relfelction I was upset at first but now see that it was probably for the best. The ironic thing is the friend that died liked her (friend 3) but more tolerated her yet she (friend 3) now acts like they were best buds. I would never have told her though...

Oh that was far to blardy complicated, it was much more simple in my head....

Monkeytrousers: that's a very good point, and I do wonder how many of the people who "dropped" pregnant/new child posters were just completely oblivious to how hard it is to socialise and have the energy when you're pregnant or have a small child.

I know pre-kids myself I just had NO CLUE and may well have thought people were just being off or distant, but in reality they were knackered and had other priorities now

I also distinctly remember being nervous of ANY people with babies as I was quite anti-children in my early twenties, and unfortunately had born the brunt of a few highly evangelical new parents who constantly wanted me to hold their scrawny pukey offspring in the hope it would make me desperately broody and cure me of my child-hate.

I'm sure I unintentionally did similar when I was a new parent with scrawny pukey offspring of my own

(am not a child-hater now... obviously... before I get lynched )

I hope none of my friends think I've dropped them - I'm just generally shite at making phone calls/returning emails these days, and now am pregnant again makes it even worse!

On the other hand, I often wonder if I've been dropped by everyone I know, cos I never see anyone anymore!