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Original poster

Has anyone been 'dropped' by someone you thought to be a good friend for no reason you can discern?

165 replies

badsmell · 18/05/2008 22:11

This has happened to me twice in the last couple of years since the birth of my first baby. Whilst normally this might upset me a little bit and then I would move on just lately I have spent more time than is healthy dwelling and speculating on wnat I might have done. Is this something I have in common with other sahm as I spend alot of time on my own? It is a horrible feeling thinking that I might be doing or saying something that winds people up.
I wanted to start a thread as I am interested to know how others have found new and old friendships post baby.
I may have a touch of paranoia too so if there are no responses I know I must be functioning very badly socially!

OP posts:
TigerFeet · 19/05/2008 15:17

In the case of one of my former friends (Friend 2 above) I put effort into keeping the friendship going post-dd. I just didn't get any effort back. After a while I took the hint and gave up trying. Once she dumped me right in the shit on my return to work I realised that I was no longer of any use to her so she was never going to maintain any friendship. I rather suspect I would have been dumped anyway, baby or no baby.

Screw her, she is now nearly 40 and very lonely from what I hear, I am happy with my little family and I suspect far more content with my life than she is.

Newsflash: RubberDuck straps babies to rockets and fires them into Lebanon

RubberDuck · 19/05/2008 15:46

OI ... cheeky

christmaspixie · 19/05/2008 15:48

Badsmell, Chuckypig...I'm at home too on maternity leave, I think the time you have to think/ analyse and the added new baby hormones do conspire a bit to make you feel very paranoid. I've been feeling rather over-sensitive about all of my friendships recently, and lying awake worrying about things I've done/said. This was triggered by a very close friend 'dropping' me during my pregnancy...we had a falling out over something, she acted really insensitively towards me, but even then I tried to make up with her and smoothe things over. To be honest, I think her behaviour was intentional, she showed how little she really valued our friendship and I got a rude awakening to it! However, I've had ups and downs in other friendships before...I used to always think it was my fault, or get too wrapped up in their problems until they resented me , but now I try to be more distant and level, and centred. I try to think (when I'm feeling strong!)that it's their loss if they don't like me, all I can be is myself, and if they don't like that too bad! I know I'm a good person! I've had to learn that the hard way though...I tend to lean towards blaming/ beating myself up about it. It is incredibly hurtful when people treat you this way. And awful for your self esteem! I'm glad to read this thread, it seems like it happens to lots of us!!

TheDevilWearsPenneys · 19/05/2008 16:03

listen listen listen

Just posted this on 'mumsnet jukebox' thread.

But it is so relevant.

TigerFeet · 19/05/2008 16:07

Oh no I'm at work and can't access YouTube

What is it?????

TheDevilWearsPenneys · 19/05/2008 16:09

It's the Zutons 'keep the feeling in' meant about a relationship, but translates to friendships.

TigerFeet · 19/05/2008 16:11

will have a listen when I get home

evenhope · 19/05/2008 16:48

What I hate is when you don't know why.

I kept in touch with a friend from school. It was pre-internet and we used to exchange long newsy letters. She wrote to say she was getting married (on the verge of) and would write again with her new address. That was it. Never heard from her again.

I wrote to the old address. I wrote again c/o her parents. I even rang her parents and her dad gave me her new address so I wrote again. This time I asked why she'd cut off contact and said if she didn't reply this time I would leave her alone. She didn't

No idea what that was all about.

McGill · 19/05/2008 19:46

I seemed to lose a couple of friendships through organising our wedding...older friendships that realistically I had slowly been trying to distance myself from - basically good friends at school, but as you grow up you realise you have never really trusted them and how unsuited you are....anyway, sending an evening invite instead of a day one seemed to cause great offence and have not heard from them since except via a mutual friend to tell me what a bitch I was....oh dear. Initially wondered if I dealt with it right but you can't fill your big day up with unwanted guests simply through guilt...and hey...meant we could buy more champagne!

McGill · 19/05/2008 19:52

Shit evenhope...just read your message and realised mine might seem a tad insensitive...the girl I was trying to distance myself from had been a manipulative and quite bitchy presence in my life which I'm sure is not the same in your case...as I desperately try and back peddle! Anyway...really sorry if it sounded insensitive x

evenhope · 19/05/2008 20:13

Not at all McGill

BabiesEverywhere · 19/05/2008 20:41

Out of the blue one day, my good friend whom I had know for many years (since reception class), demanded out of the blue that I had to decide if I wanted to stay friends with her or stay with my boyfriend

I said Bye then, don't let the door hit you on the way out.

Years later Boyfriend is now DH, we have a happy life and expecting DC2 this summer. At the time I was very hurt and even mutual friends had no idea why she had taken against my long term boyfriend. One mutual friend had warned her to stay out of my life but for some reason she couldn't.

That said she was not the kind of person I would of chosen to have an adult friendship with IYSWIM. I thought we had a friendship based on a shared history and respect of each others differences but apparantly not Better off without though.

{{{Tigerfeet}}} I love you dearly. Enough to leave you phone messages on your answering machine and I hate answering machines. You won't get rid of me in a hurry, 14 years of friendship and counting

BabiesEverywhere · 19/05/2008 20:41

Out of the blue one day, my good friend whom I had know for many years (since reception class), demanded out of the blue that I had to decide if I wanted to stay friends with her or stay with my boyfriend

I said Bye then, don't let the door hit you on the way out.

Years later Boyfriend is now DH, we have a happy life and expecting DC2 this summer. At the time I was very hurt and even mutual friends had no idea why she had taken against my long term boyfriend. One mutual friend had warned her to stay out of my life but for some reason she couldn't.

That said she was not the kind of person I would of chosen to have an adult friendship with IYSWIM. I thought we had a friendship based on a shared history and respect of each others differences but apparantly not Better off without though.

{{{Tigerfeet}}} I love you dearly. Enough to leave you phone messages on your answering machine and I hate answering machines. You won't get rid of me in a hurry, 14 years of friendship and counting

TigerFeet · 19/05/2008 20:48

Hurrah!

Am ringing now....

Original poster
badsmell · 19/05/2008 21:55

thanks chukky pig - I think when one is at home all day these things do play on the mind. You are absolutely right - if I was at work I wouldn't have the time to dwell on it. Having another baby might be a cure.

Thanks to everyone - a very interesting thread.

Here's to new friendships!

OP posts:
TheDevilWearsPrimark · 19/05/2008 22:59

You've got to keep the feeling in!

elportodelgato · 20/05/2008 12:02

Rubberduck, completely agree that people without DCs really have no idea of how much it changes your life and priorities and gets in the way of socialising.

I am due v v soon and a friend of mine seems to think I will still be living my life exactly as before eg: we have a social arrangement in the diary literally 2 days after my EDD and I said "oh well, if LO hasn't arrived, I'll see you then, but if LO has arrived then obviously I won't make it". She was utterly bemused that I might not want to be out for a night of dinner and drinking with a 2-day old baby at home !! Even saying to me "surely you can come and just bring the baby with you? or just leave him / her with DH?" Errrr...!! I just don't know where to begin! She has no idea!

It doesn't mean I don't still want to socialise, but I think some friends don't like the shift in pace eg: prefering to meet friends for coffee or have them come to the house for a few hours rather than meet them for grown up dinners, gigs and nights on the booze.

juliet111 · 21/05/2008 22:04

I think it's really funny/sad that your friend thinks you can leave a 2 day old baby or bring him with you. Friends without kids have NO idea. It may be months before you go out without your baby or years!

CHOCOLATEPEANUT · 21/05/2008 22:06

I was dropped my my friend of nearly 30 years and to this day I dont know why.I saw her parents the other week and they said the same but things might blow over.But its been over a year and I cant see it happening

sometimes life is like that and thats nowt weirder than folk

Yingers74 · 21/05/2008 22:16

I think I am currently being dropped! It does happen, you think things are going great but in reality the other person wants to move on! But if you look at all your relationships, you often find you yourself are guilty of doing the same thing. Not returning calls or delaying putting a date to an event etc. And inevitably when you have children they take up a lot of your time, you meet other parents who have a lot in common and you start to drift away from friends who are not interested in your 'new' life or get annoyed at the fact your priorities have changed and you cannot just go out with half an hours notice! LOL, am not bitter though!

reeza · 22/05/2008 00:24

I think I am currently being dropped too. It is very hurtful. I have found this discussion very useful - Rubberduck's very wise comments particularly. It is hard to keep perspective when you suddenly have too much time to think. I think my friend(?) might be depressed. Trouble is I think I might be too so perhaps we aren't who each other needs right now.

Its hard to know what to do in a practical sense - the urge is ring up or email and sob 'why don't you like me anymore'. So lame. Maybe the relationship is best left completely alone - I don't know - but then you risk a perfectly good friendship just drifting off into the sunset. Dh says ring and go to lunch and just talk about ordinary stuff. Not sure I could do this.

It is a damn shame though when people don't want to know you when you happen to be needy yourself.

youareamazing · 22/05/2008 00:34

Message withdrawn

time4me · 24/05/2008 22:29

It has happened to me.Maybe I should be bothered that I am not bothered.I am a good friend,fun,loyal,caring.I do talk too much and I am a terrible worrier.I have got dumped and then I am annoyed when these people want to see me again.When you are in your 50s your world becomes so narrower.One frustrating thing,I seem to become very close to evangelical christians,even though these people told me I had a handicapped baby because I was full of sin(shudder).I wish I could find friends like myself who weren`t evangelical christians.Mumsnetters have become good cyber friends.

lovechoc · 29/09/2012 22:17

This has happened to me just last year, actually. I was 'dropped' after being friends with this particular person (who was also my only bridesmaid at my wedding) for 11 years. I received a birthday card last year and have received no correspondence since (a year ago now). I have texted once (in January this year) but never got a response, and still haven't to this day. DH sent her a PM on FB (around Feb/March this year) but she did not respond to this either. I do not want to phone as she's made it plain that she doesn't want to continue the friendship...we used to only meet once or twice a month, then down to once every few months (once DC came along).

She is single and does not plan to have a family of her own. We could leave it months but still be able to chat away like we'd only been talking yesterday, it was that kind of friendship, IYKWIM? However, I do not want to push the issue and after speaking to another friend about the dilemma, my instinct has been right not to pursue and find out why said friend isn't getting in touch any more. It would look quite pushy, and desperate.

I just have to respect her decision that she doesn't want to be friends after all this time. Does having a family mean you cannot carry on a friendship if your friend chooses the opposite path in life to you?? I do feel hurt, but it's one of those situations in life where you cannot force someone to be friends with you, it's their decision and I have to respect that.

So, OP, in a nutshell, I know what you're going through.

Heleninahandcart · 29/09/2012 22:52

Yes, more than once over the years although in the past I've been a bit slow in realising I'm dumped so have assumed they really are 'busy' Blush

Best friend when I first had DC
One because I'm meant to have done something bad to her dog, no idea what.
A couple when told them I had cancer, never heard from them again. I'm fine now, no idea about them.
One who didn't like me being with my ex whom I met through her.

otoh I am very bad at keeping in touch so have not always done my bit either.