I have never enjoyed sex

[Imwussgetmeouttahere]

It's true. I have no sex drive. I never have. I just don't need sex or anything physical from a partner.

I'm in a long term relationship. If it ended tomorrow, I'm sure I'd be fine alone for the rest of my life. I'm not even middle aged yet.

I need to drink to have sex. I am abusing alcohol. I have sex for the sake of my partner. Nothing more. If I don't get tipsy we don't have sex. It's that simple.

I want to be tee total. For me that means sex is over. My relationship may well be too, in that case.

Can I fix myself? What do I do?

Maybe you are asexual but the drinking indicates a problem. What does your partner think? Maybe you would benefit from therapy if it's something you want to get to the bottom of.

He hates that I only sleep with him when I have had a drink. Not enough not to always initiate sex though.

I often don't remember what happened. It puts me in a vulnerable position. Yet again I need emergency contraception as he didn't use a condom last night. I know, this is so stupid. I've not found another method that works for me.

Therapy sounds like a sensible idea.

That’s awful OP. If you’re drunk enough not to remember it’s sexual assault. I think you need to end both relationships today (the one with your partner and the one with alcohol)

You can't consent to sex if you are black out drunk. You need to have capacity to consent. You're also putting yourself in a very vulnerable position as you've no idea what he may be doing to you.

It sounds like you're asexual. Stop having sex you don't want and be honest with your partner.

I think it's unfair on both of you to continue. For you obviously for your health, sanity, and overall wellbeing... and for him, because why would anyone want to be with someone who had to be drunk to find them 'attractive'.

The question people will obviously ask is, does he make you drink, i.e., is there any coercion? Otherwise that's abuse and r*. Or do you (simply) drink 'for' him, i.e., you know he wants sex, you know you don't, but willingly drink as a 'gift' to him? To be honest, I'm not even sure where that second one fits on the scale. Obviously, it's not particularly 'willing' now, as you want to stop, but maybe it started off that way?

But even if she is getting drunk to be able to go through having sex, that doesn’t excuse that he still has sex with her when she obviously can’t consent as pp said. That’s rape.

Why are you in this relationship?

It's ok to be single, it sounds like that's what would suit you best.

You don't need to 'fix' yourself to fit in with society's ideal.

• Stop drinking.
• Stop having sex you don’t want.
• Get rid of a man who thinks it’s ok to have sex with a non consenting woman, or even a woman who consents but clearly does not enjoy it.

There's something wrong here, and it's more than you not being interested in sex.

You don't remember what happens?
Then he is knowingly having sex with someone who is unable to give consent - because if you aren't in possession of your senses, you are vulnerable. The word for what he's doing when that happens is 'rape'.

You've been asked if you're coerced into drinking - that's relevant, too.

I would strongly suggest you leave him as soon as possible. Definitely get some therapy. Perhaps when you are clear in your mind about what has been happening, you'll need to speak to a rape crisis centre.

Thanks for all your replies. I've never considered a lot of what you've said.

It's not that I don't find him attractive. I just don't have a sex drive. I can see that he is attractive, but to me that doesn't equate to wanting a physical relationship.

It is my decision to drink in order to be able to have sex. He doesn't make me. He does top up my drinks, but that is all.

Other than this, which is clearly a major issue, we have a great relationship. I want to try to fix me, rather than lose him.

I recently went through life saving surgery I had a lot of time to assess my life. This is the main thing that makes me unhappy. I want to want sex.

Agree with all the comments about the relationship. This doesn’t sound happy or healthy and also why the fuck is he not using a condom?

Leaving aside the relationship and just considering your lack of sexual desire: can I ask, did you have any bad experiences when younger? Have you ever tried masturbation or a vibrator?

If you want to want sex- do you ever have fantasies? Read erotic literature? Get turned on watching something?

To tell you the truth OP, I can't imagine anyone functional wanting sex with someone black out drunk.

Asexuality is a real sexuality, and I think the World would be a better place if more people were able to come out with it. They could then be in romantic relationships with other asexuals, and not end up in this sort of situation.
OP you need to reconsider this relationship. His attitude to you is the issue. But you are not compatible.

I didn't know the term for it. Having read up on the definition, I think being asexual fits. I've never had any other partner.

To be honest, I'm so upset that many of you have said this is r*. I don't consider that to be true. It's just an arrangement we have, I think.

I can't end things with him. We're genuinely happy outside of the bedroom.

I don't read erotic lit or watch anything. Nothing like that appeals to me. I can achieve orgasm alone, but it's just a function, I don't feel the need to do it. I don't orgasm with my partner. I don't fantasise either. It doesn't occur to me to do so.

Do you think your drinking is related to trauma/depression? lack of desire can also be linked to that

I would say stop drinking & look for some MH support (probably therapy or a group etc)

Can I assume that you enjoy the companionship of a relationship - do you enjoy cuddles and closeness without sex? If so, then a relationship with someone who is on the same page as you would be healthier.

Sex benefits men more and is much more of a risk for women.

When we have sex we have the risk and fear of getting pregnant.

We also have the risk and fear of the male physically hurting us while having sex.

Thats why we dont want to put ourselves at risk. I dont miss sex either

consider getting the implant.

i have endometriosis. One of the symptoms is pain during sex. I used to enjoy sex but after a while the pain just put me off.

we went to a therapist but she did warn us that if it’s medical it’s not always possible to fix.

we found some less painful positions. But it never really got fixed.

i don’t have much of a sex drive any more because I know how painful it’ll be.

it may be worth talking to a sex therapist because lack of sex drive can be linked to finding it painful like I did or other incidents and problems.

I do have depression. But even when I didn't, I want interested in sex.

I'm not a touchy person at all, so even kissing and cuddling doesn't appeal. I'm happy to hug friends though as I know that's just a hug, nothing more.

How do I access support and what type of practitioner may be able to help? Sorry, I've no idea. I can admit that alcohol is a problem for me. Not on terms of daily drinking, but i do binge.

Agree with some of your points but some of us enjoy the pleasure of it too you know.

Dear OP, start by getting some therapy to see how to go forward. Get a proper psychology consult and pay if you have to. I don't think there's anything wrong with you but you clearly need to consult - just so you can move on. Sending with love.

Since you 'want to want' sex, then start with your GP maybe? Maybe you just need a prescription for a little testosterone.

If you didn't want to want sex, then I'd say leave him. If you still want a partnership with someone, then find someone for whom sex is also not important.

Counselling - NHS