I have never enjoyed sex

[Imwussgetmeouttahere]

It's true. I have no sex drive. I never have. I just don't need sex or anything physical from a partner.

I'm in a long term relationship. If it ended tomorrow, I'm sure I'd be fine alone for the rest of my life. I'm not even middle aged yet.

I need to drink to have sex. I am abusing alcohol. I have sex for the sake of my partner. Nothing more. If I don't get tipsy we don't have sex. It's that simple.

I want to be tee total. For me that means sex is over. My relationship may well be too, in that case.

Can I fix myself? What do I do?

It absolutely is your choice to drink lots before sex. But if your husband then had sex with you when you were unable (at that point) to consent then you could (in theory) report him to the police and he could be charged with rape. They would absolutely take OP seriously if she reported her partner. She even said he didn’t use a condom so she had to get the MAP

You’ve got a bigger problem OP:

Yet again I need emergency contraception as he didn't use a condom last night.

He’s committing a crime if he’s doesn’t have your permission to go without a condom. It’s stealthing. You could report him to police.

It really isn’t looking good OP. Also you can always leave a relationship. You don’t need any particular reason, it is completely up to you. You don’t owe anyone a relationship.

People drink before sex. Sometimes you have to use your common sense

What if the man was also drinking, and he is also fairly incapicated.

Has she also raped him?

The OP is an adult, she has decided she will drink in order to have sex with her partner. That is her choice, which she is entitled to make. It does not make her partner a rapist.
She says quite clearly...
"It is my decision to drink in order to be able to have sex."

It's not wise, and ultimately it will cause problems, both for her and her partner.

I hope this thread will encourage her to find professional help.

Well, legally, a woman can’t rape a men through sex like that…it probably would be classed as sexual assault, however. HTH.

common sense? That’s what people said pre 1992 when they finally outlawed marital rape. You realise you can be in a relationship, have sex every hour on the hour because that’s your arrangement and “common sense” understanding, but it STILL doesn’t give you the right to shag someone.

Please, for the sake of women, google.

But what if my husband had also drank a lot of alcohol?

Does that mean that weve both raped each other?

Or does us both being incapacitated, means that we cancel each other out.

Usually two people drink together before sex. Usually not just one person drinks.

I think there is a nuance here and making this black and white doesn’t help the OP. She needs to drink to have sex because she doesn’t want to have sex, but realises her partner does and it’s a normal part of a loving relationship.

to relax, she drinks alcohol. She has mentioned getting blackout drunk- nothing about the frequency or whether her partner was aware of her state.

it is incredibly common for women (and I assume men) to consume alcohol before sex on occasion to loosen up. This can be occasional, or like OP can be all the time.

Directing this thread to him being a rapist or indeed, a major part of her lack of interest is doing her a disservice.

she wants to give up drinking and is worried if she does she won’t be able to have sex again.

it really strikes me OP that you are nowhere near relaxed enough to enjoy sex. That’s really common. I didn’t realise how common it was until recently.

you can try counselling. You could be looking at years of therapy before it improves though. It’s not quick, and certainly not guaranteed to work.

its really interesting the suggestion that you might need testosterone. The fact that you’ve never liked sex (ie it isn’t an age related hormone change) makes me a bit hesitant about that, but it’s an interesting one to explore.

Would you be ok with him seeking friends with benefits outside the relationship? More couples have arrangements like this than you would imagine.

It’s quite simple. A woman CANNOT rape a man, not least because the first limb of the rape definition is:

”penetrates the vagina, anus or mouth of another person (B) with his penis”

It’s ok to be asexual too.

Also legally only a man can commit rape, as the penetration has to be with a penis. So no they wouldn’t both be raping each other if both drunk.

And let’s not forget the not using a condom. No excuse for that, the cost to a woman is so high.

I dont need to google. I know the law.

I think its not black and white.

Scenario 1: A man finds a woman who is blackout drunk at a party and has sex with her. She doesnt want sex in any way. Its rape

Scenario 2 :A woman chooses to drink before having sex. She doesnt think its rape. She doesnt feel raped. I think thats her choice. What she wants to do

Before jumping to conclusions, it would be helpful to actually understand what you mean by ‘sex’ There is a world of difference between not enjoying orgasm and not achieving orgasm.

Either way, your current partner doesn’t sound like much copp. Why are you with him, what positive things does he bring to your life ?

OP, would you be ok with an open relationship? Restricted to him having a purely physical relationship with someone else?

Right well lets change the word rape to sexual assualt then. . A woman can sexually assault a man

Op it does sound like a streaaful situation.

I think you need to sit down and have a long chat with your partner.

“She doesn’t think it’s rape. She doesn’t feel raped” STILL doesn’t mean it’s not rape.

I can’t break it down into simpler chunks than that.

”I didn’t think my husband was abusive. I don’t feel abused”, said Tina Turner… she still absolutely was.

Omg.

Has the ops partner also had drinks before sex?

In your opinion, has the OP also sexually assaulted her partner aswell then?

He doesn't have full capacity if hes had a few drinks, according to what you are writint. Even a few drinks can put you over the limit

Can’t say on the minimal facts and context given, @Mannatan.

Do you never have sex with a man, after the man has drunk alcohol?

I think everyone of us on here has had sex with a man after he has drunk some alcohol

I often don't remember what happened

So how do you know it's always him having sex with you? I'm not trying to frighten you, but just trying to highlight how vulnerable you really are in this relationship.

Please seek support OP, you are not broken or needing to be fixed to conform to a certain way of being. But I do think you need space and time outside of the relationship to reflect and care for yourself. I wish you well.

It's simple: does the OP have capacity to consent to sex throughout the event?

Does the OP have capacity to withdraw consent at any time?

You're saying she does yet she's too drunk to remember that she's even had sex. She also hasn't consented to sex without a condom.

I disagree.

Rape is non-consensual sex. A man's consent can change just as easily as a woman's. A male friend was telling that a woman was riding him unprotected (his intent was to pull out), and told her to get off when he was 'almost there'. She then clamped down. Consent had been withdrawn, and it can be withdrawn at any time.

(Not to derail the thread)

Where does OP say he’s also drunk?

I spent enough time at law school analysing case law around sexual offences, I don’t need to do it here. You can believe what you like.

But being drunk doesn’t mean you can’t be convicted of rape!

Please remember the France rape case recently where the woman’s husband was filming her being abused by dozens of men, after giving her drugs. I don’t like the fact he tops up your drinks, you don’t remember things, he doesn’t use a condom. You’re not safe OP if you drink too much before sex. You’re not consenting to what is taking place. Please stop doing it. If you don’t want to do it without drinking then don’t do it at all.