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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I have never enjoyed sex

136 replies

Imwussgetmeouttahere · 04/05/2025 14:39

It's true. I have no sex drive. I never have. I just don't need sex or anything physical from a partner.

I'm in a long term relationship. If it ended tomorrow, I'm sure I'd be fine alone for the rest of my life. I'm not even middle aged yet.

I need to drink to have sex. I am abusing alcohol. I have sex for the sake of my partner. Nothing more. If I don't get tipsy we don't have sex. It's that simple.

I want to be tee total. For me that means sex is over. My relationship may well be too, in that case.

Can I fix myself? What do I do?

OP posts:
HiddenInCubeOfCheese · 04/05/2025 17:01

Init4thecatz · 04/05/2025 16:58

I disagree.

Rape is non-consensual sex. A man's consent can change just as easily as a woman's. A male friend was telling that a woman was riding him unprotected (his intent was to pull out), and told her to get off when he was 'almost there'. She then clamped down. Consent had been withdrawn, and it can be withdrawn at any time.

(Not to derail the thread)

Show quote history

No, it’s in the legal black letter definition. A woman legally cannot commit rape, she doesn’t have a penis. What your friend experienced is indeed a sexual offence, but it’s not legally rape

whyamisuddenlygettingolder · 04/05/2025 17:01

OP, are you definitely attracted to him? I too never wanted sex with men, and it took me a really long time (decades) to realise that I DID want it with women. Go gently on yourself. Whether you’re gay, or asexual, or anything else, none of these things mean you’re broken or need fixing. Wishing you lots of luck and hoping therapy can help you feel more comfortable with yourself.

Mannatan · 04/05/2025 17:03

HiddenInCubeOfCheese · 04/05/2025 17:00

Where does OP say he’s also drunk?

I spent enough time at law school analysing case law around sexual offences, I don’t need to do it here. You can believe what you like.

Show quote history

Youre not reading what im writing.

We ALL know what the law says. We know that the law says that having sex when too incapacitated to give consent is rape.

What ive written is that many people choose to drink before sex.

When drinking before sex is an activity that they WANT to do. They are never going to charge the other person with rape. And thats their choice. People have freedom of choice

HiddenInCubeOfCheese · 04/05/2025 17:04

I give up.

Mannatan · 04/05/2025 17:06

HiddenInCubeOfCheese · 04/05/2025 17:04

I give up.

You should.

I wont be charging my ex boyfriend with rape, because i got drunk before sex.

That would hurt him and me, and it is not what i want to do at all.

for example. The law is not black and white

Catsandcannedbeans · 04/05/2025 17:07

Have you only ever had sex with men? Maybe it’s not the sex that’s the problem. My friend from school always hated sex. Lost her virginity because everyone else was doing it, told me how she hated it. I told her the first time is often not great. Next boyfriend she told me she still hated it, maybe he’s just a shit shag? Met her ex husband, same thing, she hated sex and she had to be drunk… she doesn’t hate sex she’s just a lesbian. She’s making up for lost time these days.

HiddenInCubeOfCheese · 04/05/2025 17:07

Whoosh over your head

Gymbunny2025 · 04/05/2025 17:07

And they say conviction rates are too low….

Mannatan · 04/05/2025 17:08

whyamisuddenlygettingolder · 04/05/2025 17:01

OP, are you definitely attracted to him? I too never wanted sex with men, and it took me a really long time (decades) to realise that I DID want it with women. Go gently on yourself. Whether you’re gay, or asexual, or anything else, none of these things mean you’re broken or need fixing. Wishing you lots of luck and hoping therapy can help you feel more comfortable with yourself.

Yes maybe sit down and think about what you really want op.

Init4thecatz · 04/05/2025 17:09

HiddenInCubeOfCheese · 04/05/2025 17:01

No, it’s in the legal black letter definition. A woman legally cannot commit rape, she doesn’t have a penis. What your friend experienced is indeed a sexual offence, but it’s not legally rape

Show quote history

I think that's a failing in the wording of the law then. You may be right (I haven't checked, and I'm not disagreeing with you), but I think it's disgraceful that a man's consent in this instance means less than a woman's. Technically with that definition, it also wouldn't be rape for a woman to climb on some 'morning wood', but it should be, 100%.
(My last comment on the matter. As I said, I don't wish to derail).

Mannatan · 04/05/2025 17:09

HiddenInCubeOfCheese · 04/05/2025 17:07

Whoosh over your head

No its over yours. Youre not listening to anyone else's opinion. Just because youre a lawyer, (if you are) , it doesnt make your opinion better than anyone elses.

WakingUpToReality · 04/05/2025 17:11

Consent is for each individual sexual act as well. Whether or not you’re drunk, if you’ve previously told your partner anal sex is off the menu and you got drunk to loosen up for vaginal sex and he did anal, he wouldn’t have had permission for that.

AnAries · 04/05/2025 17:11

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Mannatan · 04/05/2025 17:12

HiddenInCubeOfCheese · 04/05/2025 17:01

No, it’s in the legal black letter definition. A woman legally cannot commit rape, she doesn’t have a penis. What your friend experienced is indeed a sexual offence, but it’s not legally rape

Show quote history

That's in the UK though isnt it.

Women can be found guilty of raping men, in other countries.

HiddenInCubeOfCheese · 04/05/2025 17:12

It’s not about opinion or listening to someone else’s or thinking one opinion is better than the other. The law isn’t about opinion. It’s about a definition, refined by common law case law.

It’s rational, unlike your personal attacks.

Have a good weekend.

AnAries · 04/05/2025 17:12

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

anytipswelcome · 04/05/2025 17:14

Do you know what kind of men enjoy having sex with a woman who they know has had to purposefully become drunk in order to allow it to happen, because they don’t enjoy it so need to numb out the experience?

Not good men. Dangerous men.

Especially those who top up drinks to help it happen.

Mannatan · 04/05/2025 17:16

HiddenInCubeOfCheese · 04/05/2025 17:12

It’s not about opinion or listening to someone else’s or thinking one opinion is better than the other. The law isn’t about opinion. It’s about a definition, refined by common law case law.

It’s rational, unlike your personal attacks.

Have a good weekend.

I disagree. The law is influenced by opinions. Like everything is.

Say that a woman's opinion is that she is raped - she reports it - it gets investigated

Then Say that A second woman consents to drink alcohol and then have sex, in her opinion she is not raped,, she doesnt report it, it doesnt get investigated

So even though the law stayed the same, the womans opinion on what happened , is what influences the outcome.

Bambamhoohoo · 04/05/2025 17:16

oh god. Poor OP won’t be back now.

blueleavesgreensky · 04/05/2025 17:20

MiloMinderbinder925 · 04/05/2025 14:52

You can't consent to sex if you are black out drunk. You need to have capacity to consent. You're also putting yourself in a very vulnerable position as you've no idea what he may be doing to you.

It sounds like you're asexual. Stop having sex you don't want and be honest with your partner.

She said tipsy. Not black out drunk

MiloMinderbinder925 · 04/05/2025 17:22

blueleavesgreensky · 04/05/2025 17:20

She said tipsy. Not black out drunk

Show quote history

I often don't remember what happened. It puts me in a vulnerable position. Yet again I need emergency contraception as he didn't use a condom last night.

blueleavesgreensky · 04/05/2025 17:22

Gymbunny2025 · 04/05/2025 15:01

But even if she is getting drunk to be able to go through having sex, that doesn’t excuse that he still has sex with her when she obviously can’t consent as pp said. That’s rape.

You can consent when you are tipsy. There is no law that says you can’t consent if you have had any alcohol. The OP says she drinks to be tipsy. Not eyes rolling back black out drunk

blueleavesgreensky · 04/05/2025 17:24

OP you have said you need to be tipsy but then you have said you sometimes can’t remember what happened.

please clarify are you passed out drunk or are you tipsy but actually mentally blocking out the act because you dint want it so much?

blueleavesgreensky · 04/05/2025 17:25

MiloMinderbinder925 · 04/05/2025 17:22

I often don't remember what happened. It puts me in a vulnerable position. Yet again I need emergency contraception as he didn't use a condom last night.

Show quote history

Yeah I went back and read that. I’ve reposted a question to the OP

Bambamhoohoo · 04/05/2025 17:30

blueleavesgreensky · 04/05/2025 17:24

OP you have said you need to be tipsy but then you have said you sometimes can’t remember what happened.

please clarify are you passed out drunk or are you tipsy but actually mentally blocking out the act because you dint want it so much?

It’s a long term relationship.
OP said

“I need to drink to have sex. I am abusing alcohol. I have sex for the sake of my partner. Nothing more. If I don't get tipsy we don't have sex. It's that simple.”

And

“He hates that I only sleep with him when I have had a drink. Not enough not to always initiate sex though.
I often don't remember what happened. It puts me in a vulnerable position. Yet again I need emergency contraception as he didn't use a condom last night. I know, this is so stupid. I've not found another method that works for me.”

And

“It is my decision to drink in order to be able to have sex. He doesn't make me. He does top up my drinks, but that is all.”

To me at least, it seems clear OP is painting a picture of drinking when she has regular sex with her partner. It’s logical that this is sometimes tipsy, sometimes very drunk- as she describes. That’s normal with drinking occasions.

OP has not even asked for posters to build an evidence pack for the CPS. She’s asked how she can find ways to get a sex drive- which she has never, ever had, with or without this particular partner- because she wants to give up drinking.

And very few posts have tried to help her with that. so I’m not sure she’ll
come back