Page 5 | I have never enjoyed sex

blueleavesgreensky · 04/05/2025 17:31

Init4thecatz · 04/05/2025 16:58

I disagree.

Rape is non-consensual sex. A man's consent can change just as easily as a woman's. A male friend was telling that a woman was riding him unprotected (his intent was to pull out), and told her to get off when he was 'almost there'. She then clamped down. Consent had been withdrawn, and it can be withdrawn at any time.

(Not to derail the thread)

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Sexual assault is defined as sexual touching without consent and carries a maximum sentence of 10 years in prison.
Rape is defined as someone with a penis penetrating another person's vagina, anus or mouth without consent, and carries a maximum sentence of life in prison.
Assault by penetration is defined as someone penetrating another person's vagina or anus with something other than a penis, without their consent, and carries a maximum sentence of life in prison.

So women can’t rape. But they can sexually assault or assault by penetration someone.

Gymbunny2025 · 04/05/2025 17:31

She can’t remember what happens @blueleavesgreensky!! Is that your definition of tipsy? It’s certainly not mine

Fluffypotatoe123987 · 04/05/2025 17:34

This was me for a long time. I fancied my husband but sex no chance I just didn't feel it anymore. Moved on and nothing wrong with me just we didn't vibe anymore

Bambamhoohoo · 04/05/2025 17:40

Gymbunny2025 · 04/05/2025 17:31

She can’t remember what happens @blueleavesgreensky!! Is that your definition of tipsy? It’s certainly not mine

But OP isn’t talking about one occasion. She’s talking about, let’s say, thousands of occasions. I think it’s clear that she is varying degrees of intoxicated on these separate occasions, and her post is giving us a snapshot of her life over many months and years.

Original poster

Imwussgetmeouttahere · 04/05/2025 17:42

Bambamhoohoo · 04/05/2025 17:30

It’s a long term relationship.
OP said

“I need to drink to have sex. I am abusing alcohol. I have sex for the sake of my partner. Nothing more. If I don't get tipsy we don't have sex. It's that simple.”

And

“He hates that I only sleep with him when I have had a drink. Not enough not to always initiate sex though.
I often don't remember what happened. It puts me in a vulnerable position. Yet again I need emergency contraception as he didn't use a condom last night. I know, this is so stupid. I've not found another method that works for me.”

And

“It is my decision to drink in order to be able to have sex. He doesn't make me. He does top up my drinks, but that is all.”

To me at least, it seems clear OP is painting a picture of drinking when she has regular sex with her partner. It’s logical that this is sometimes tipsy, sometimes very drunk- as she describes. That’s normal with drinking occasions.

OP has not even asked for posters to build an evidence pack for the CPS. She’s asked how she can find ways to get a sex drive- which she has never, ever had, with or without this particular partner- because she wants to give up drinking.

And very few posts have tried to help her with that. so I’m not sure she’ll
come back

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I'm going to have to leave this thread. It's gone on a tangent that I didn't expect. I'm really upset now.

The post quoted above is accurate. Sometimes I'm tipsy, other times I'm very drunk. It always varies. I've never once considered this to be anything other than consensual sex. We've been together for a long time, too.

To those that have given me good advice, thank you. I'm going to think about therapy, maybe with my partner. First though, we need to sit down and really talk about this. We've clearly been ignoring our issues.

I wish you all well.

OP posts:

Bambamhoohoo · 04/05/2025 17:42

I’m sorry OP. You didn’t deserve to have to come back to this. Big hugs x

jewelcase · 04/05/2025 17:43

Imwussgetmeouttahere · 04/05/2025 15:42

I didn't know the term for it. Having read up on the definition, I think being asexual fits. I've never had any other partner.

To be honest, I'm so upset that many of you have said this is r*. I don't consider that to be true. It's just an arrangement we have, I think.

I can't end things with him. We're genuinely happy outside of the bedroom.

I don't read erotic lit or watch anything. Nothing like that appeals to me. I can achieve orgasm alone, but it's just a function, I don't feel the need to do it. I don't orgasm with my partner. I don't fantasise either. It doesn't occur to me to do so.

This seems odd to me. If you have orgasms alone and they are functional, what function are they performing if not relieving the need to have them? That need is a sex drive. I presume they are as pleasant for you as for everyone else, so therefore you are capable of experiencing sexual pleasure and have a need for it even if that need is very low.

If that’s the case then you and I are perhaps similar. I have a low sex drive and can go several weeks without any urges at all. I do have a friend with whom I have sex occasionally, and I do enjoy it. I also masturbate occasionally, when I feel an urge to, and I enjoy that. I find orgasms extremely pleasurable as well as fulfilling the function of making my sex urge go away.

But if I never had sex again I’d not be massively bothered. What makes me enjoy sex with my friend is that he is a generous, gentle man who cares about what makes me feel good. It took me a long time to find a man like this, and thus to enjoy sex. I think actually that I enjoy sex with him, rather than sex itself.

MayaPinion · 04/05/2025 17:48

It’s very concerning that a supposedly loving partner is happy for you to get drunk so he can have sex with you, knowing that you wouldn’t want to if you were sober.

hellotomrw · 04/05/2025 17:51

Mannatan · 04/05/2025 15:49

Sex benefits men more and is much more of a risk for women.

When we have sex we have the risk and fear of getting pregnant.

We also have the risk and fear of the male physically hurting us while having sex.

Thats why we dont want to put ourselves at risk. I dont miss sex either

How ridiculous lots of women enjoy and love sex

AnAries · 04/05/2025 17:52

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

MiloMinderbinder925 · 04/05/2025 17:52

hellotomrw · 04/05/2025 17:51

How ridiculous lots of women enjoy and love sex

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Some women have had very traumatic sexual experiences and can't understand how it would be enjoyable.

tothelefttotheleft · 04/05/2025 17:54

WakingUpToReality · 04/05/2025 16:38

You’ve got a bigger problem OP:

Yet again I need emergency contraception as he didn't use a condom last night.

He’s committing a crime if he’s doesn’t have your permission to go without a condom. It’s stealthing. You could report him to police.

It really isn’t looking good OP. Also you can always leave a relationship. You don’t need any particular reason, it is completely up to you. You don’t owe anyone a relationship.

This really stood out to me too.

Mannatan · 04/05/2025 17:54

hellotomrw · 04/05/2025 17:51

How ridiculous lots of women enjoy and love sex

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And yet we are on a thread where the op wrote that she does not enjoy sex.

So i why on earth would you write "how ridiculous".

I never wrote that all women, don't enjoy sex did i.

I said that there are many reasons why women don't enjoy sex, including having the fear of getting pregnant, or that their sexual partner might be violent in sex. Or maybe they have fear because they had a sexual trauma in the past.

Middlechild3 · 04/05/2025 18:01

Maybe you are just with the wrong man? Has it been like this with all partners?

Justhere65 · 04/05/2025 18:05

I can identify completely with your post, OP. I wish you well x

NovemberMorn · 04/05/2025 19:17

Imwussgetmeouttahere · 04/05/2025 17:42

I'm going to have to leave this thread. It's gone on a tangent that I didn't expect. I'm really upset now.

The post quoted above is accurate. Sometimes I'm tipsy, other times I'm very drunk. It always varies. I've never once considered this to be anything other than consensual sex. We've been together for a long time, too.

To those that have given me good advice, thank you. I'm going to think about therapy, maybe with my partner. First though, we need to sit down and really talk about this. We've clearly been ignoring our issues.

I wish you all well.

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I hope you disregard the posts that are not sympathetic, and hopefully take something from the posters who have tried to offer thoughtful advice.
Good luck. x

Isitsixoclockalready · 04/05/2025 20:16

HiddenInCubeOfCheese · 04/05/2025 16:02

I agree with this. He’s topping up your drinks? Enabling?

You used the phrase “fix”. My love, you’re not broken. You just don’t have much of a sex drive. That’s also normal. Asexuality IS sexuality.

You don’t need to ‘perform’ for him or anyone else. I’m impressed with your strength that if your relationship ended tomorrow, you’d be fine. There are plenty of people, me included, who don’t have the emotional independence or strength to say/feel that.

You're not broken.

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This is what I was reading it as. I really don't think that the OP's issue is that she's not with a man that does it for her. The OP is likely asexual so the only problem is being in a totally mismatched relationship. That is not a healthy scenario to be in. I've known people who are asexual but tactile and love cuddles and I've known people that are asexual and don't like close contact. Of course it's possible that there are some unresolved childhood related issues but it's also totally possible that one is not genetically predisposed towards intimate or even non sexual tactile interaction.

Original poster

Imwussgetmeouttahere · 04/05/2025 20:26

I don't enjoy physical contact at all and I never have, even as a child. I can handle platonic hugs now. In the past I even hated them.

In response to those that have said I should leave the relationship, there's no chance of that. We're great together, other than this issue. I know that an open relationship isn't something my partner would want. He's very committed to me. I know he loves me a lot.

I can accept that I'm probably asexual, but I really don't want to be.

OP posts:

K8ate · 08/05/2025 08:28

So for all of you (and there’s been a fair few) who are saying he’s a rapist, are you saying that he should receive a 30 year prison sentence for this?
OP states that she has a good relationship with her partner and doesn’t want to leave - things are good in all other ways.

MiloMinderbinder925 · 08/05/2025 12:48

K8ate · 08/05/2025 08:28

So for all of you (and there’s been a fair few) who are saying he’s a rapist, are you saying that he should receive a 30 year prison sentence for this?
OP states that she has a good relationship with her partner and doesn’t want to leave - things are good in all other ways.

Edited

I think you're being very optimistic given the 1% rape convictions we have.

He's breaking the law by having sex with someone who is incapacitated and not using a condom. You need to be able to withdraw consent at any time and the OP doesn't know what he's actually doing in some instances. She doesn't consent to unprotected sex.

Mannatan · 08/05/2025 13:05

MiloMinderbinder925 · 08/05/2025 12:48

I think you're being very optimistic given the 1% rape convictions we have.

He's breaking the law by having sex with someone who is incapacitated and not using a condom. You need to be able to withdraw consent at any time and the OP doesn't know what he's actually doing in some instances. She doesn't consent to unprotected sex.

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The thing in these scenarios is, usually both people are drinking.

If the woman and the man are both drunk before sex.

She can technically charge him with rape, and the man can also charge the woman with sexual assault. As she had sex with him when he was drunk

However many couples dont do that. Its up to everyones own choice

MiloMinderbinder925 · 08/05/2025 13:08

Mannatan · 08/05/2025 13:05

The thing in these scenarios is, usually both people are drinking.

If the woman and the man are both drunk before sex.

She can technically charge him with rape, and the man can also charge the woman with sexual assault. As she had sex with him when he was drunk

However many couples dont do that. Its up to everyones own choice

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No that wrong. There's a difference between being drunk and being incapacitated.

If you're so drunk that you cannot consent to what is happening to you, that's rape.

Mannatan · 08/05/2025 13:13

MiloMinderbinder925 · 08/05/2025 13:08

No that wrong. There's a difference between being drunk and being incapacitated.

If you're so drunk that you cannot consent to what is happening to you, that's rape.

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There isn't a difference between being drunk and incapicated. Drunk means being incapicated.

Under the eyes of the law, if you are drunk, you are incapicated.

MiloMinderbinder925 · 08/05/2025 13:24

Mannatan · 08/05/2025 13:13

There isn't a difference between being drunk and incapicated. Drunk means being incapicated.

Under the eyes of the law, if you are drunk, you are incapicated.

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No that's wrong. You can be drunk and able to to agree to something. There are different levels of being drunk and if you're so drunk you're having black outs, you're incapacitated.

The OP is so drunk she doesn't know if a condom is being used until the next day. Plenty of people have drunken sex and are able to use contraception and consent to what they are doing.

Mannatan · 08/05/2025 13:37

MiloMinderbinder925 · 08/05/2025 13:24

No that's wrong. You can be drunk and able to to agree to something. There are different levels of being drunk and if you're so drunk you're having black outs, you're incapacitated.

The OP is so drunk she doesn't know if a condom is being used until the next day. Plenty of people have drunken sex and are able to use contraception and consent to what they are doing.

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I love how you say "no thats wrong" so confidently

Its not wrong. Being drunk under the law IS being incapicated.

If you are drunk (over the limit) you are legally not allowed to drive a car.

Only two drinks of alcohol can put prople over the legal limit to drive.

The law doesnt say "oh she was only a little bit drunk, so she was ok to drive that car"

Its the same with sex. If you are drunk at all, you are incapacitated.