I have never enjoyed sex

[Imwussgetmeouttahere]

It's true. I have no sex drive. I never have. I just don't need sex or anything physical from a partner.

I'm in a long term relationship. If it ended tomorrow, I'm sure I'd be fine alone for the rest of my life. I'm not even middle aged yet.

I need to drink to have sex. I am abusing alcohol. I have sex for the sake of my partner. Nothing more. If I don't get tipsy we don't have sex. It's that simple.

I want to be tee total. For me that means sex is over. My relationship may well be too, in that case.

Can I fix myself? What do I do?

Oh, and please stop drinking. You will do yourself a lot of damage drinking to oblivion each time you think he wants sex.

Oh please.

It depends on the man - if you get any pleaure though doesnt it.

Many women are stuck in relationships where the man gives them no pleasure at all in sex, and jnstead just uses them as something to pump quickly then roll over.

I think that's quite common tbh. A lot of us associate our first sexual encounters with being drunk, then it kind of starts to be that it's that pattern. Drink, then sex.

But you certainly shouldn't be doing it if you don't want to. Or drinking just to make it tolerable.
How would you feel about being single? It might be better than feeling pressure to have sex or abuse alcohol.

Would your partner accept less or no sexual contact? You should try and talk honestly with them about it as if neither of you are happy sexually it would be better to part ways.

There is nothing whatsoever wrong with having little or no sexual desire. So you are not in the wrong for feeling that way. X

I would enjoy sex if i knew it was going to be pleasurable. But as its a two person activity it very much depends on what the other person chooses to do.

I think ive been with about two men who cared about my pleasure.

The vast majority were totally selfish.

Then there were the men that were violent. The worst men.

Its not knowing what we are going to get with the man, that puts women off sex.

I agree with this. He’s topping up your drinks? Enabling?

You used the phrase “fix”. My love, you’re not broken. You just don’t have much of a sex drive. That’s also normal. Asexuality IS sexuality.

You don’t need to ‘perform’ for him or anyone else. I’m impressed with your strength that if your relationship ended tomorrow, you’d be fine. There are plenty of people, me included, who don’t have the emotional independence or strength to say/feel that.

You're not broken.

No it isn't.

It's very creepy that he's topping up her drinks knowing that once she's drunk enough, he'll get sex.

Some men have a fetish of having sex with unconscious women.

It isn't rape. If he plied you with drink in order to have sex without your consent or knowledge, it would be, but you are drinking so you can have sex....a completely different scenario.

To add...as you are so drunk you are out of it, you should have very clear guidelines of what is permissible and what isn't.
And as some have said, this is not a good way to live. I also think therapy would help, maybe there is a reason you don't want sex...or maybe you are asexual, knowing which would help you.

I think that if you want to want sex, I’d start with talking to your GP and asking for either some blood tests to rule out any biochemical issues that might be causing a problem, or a referral to an endocrinologist for them to see if there is a hormonal imbalance that may be at the root of this.

It may be that you’re asexual, in which case you’re probably incompatible with your partner and might need to consider opening the relationship if you want to keep the romantic and emotional side, while allowing him to have his physical needs met, or split up if this is not an option for you both. There’s nothing wrong with being asexual, but society does seem to struggle with accepting people can just not want sex.

With that said, a very dear friend of mine was convinced he was asexual until he was finally able to recognise that he just wasn’t straight. He’s now a happily married gay man with two adopted kids. So the other thing I might try is some sessions with a sex therapist to see what else might be going on.

But you are absolutely not broken. There may be nothing to ‘fix’, so what I’ve suggested here is just avenues to explore in the interests of understanding more about yourself. It’s beyond generous of you to try to meet your partner’s needs by drinking alcohol to facilitate a sexual relationship, but it’s also heartbreaking to read that you’re putting yourself through that and that he’s accepting this as normal.

Having sex with someone incapacitated is rape. You cannot give consent if you are unconscious.

OP posted..."To be honest, I'm so upset that many of you have said this is rape. I don't consider that to be true. It's just an arrangement we have, I think."*

She gives her consent before she is out of it...it is not rape.

How do we know that she gets totally incapacitated.

She said that she drinks before sex.

I also like to drink alcohol before sex as it helps me to let go a bit. A lot of people do

She says that she cannot remember having sex. Does that sound like she has capacity to consent?

That is so wrong. She needs to be able to withdraw consent at any time too. If she is so drunk she can't remember then how will she know if she's withdrawn consent, or if he refuses to accept her withdrawal?

It's certainly not a good situation, but neither is it rape.
Like I said, the two of them must have clear agreement of what she will allow.

It's rape when you lack capacity to consent.

Consent and penetration as a continuing act
In accordance with Section 79 (2) Sexual Offences Act 2003 penetration is a continuing act from entry to withdrawal. Where the defendant lacks the mens rea for rape at the initial moment of penetration he might commit the offence of rape if he becomes aware of the complainant’s lack of consent at any point thereafter and does not at once desist and withdraw.

www.cps.gov.uk/legal-guidance/rape-and-sexual-offences-chapter-6-consent

It is rape.

"What is the definition of rape?
The Sexual Offences Act 2003 states that the definition of ‘rape' is the penetration with a penis of a vagina, anus or the mouth of another person when consent has not been given."

She has given her consent, it's an arrangement they have between them.

Well ive often drank a lot before some sex, and the sex was a bit hazy after.

But i never felt raped.

As i had decided to have sex, and then i also decided to drink.

Op said she doesnt feel raped. So if she doesnt. She doesnt

Absolutely! I’m surprised some people don’t realise this. Including the OP 😔

But people have a choice to drink.

If its my choice to drink a lot beore i have sex, its my choice.

Im not going to then charge my partner with rape. For my choice.

Sometimes you have to look at things.

I don't think you need to be fixed, OP. You need to accept yourself for who you are (which to me sounds asexual). By trying to 'fix' yourself you're hurting yourself in so many ways - in abusing alcohol, by denying who you are, by forcing yourself to have sex that you don't want to please someone else.

Sometimes the people we love are not the people we belong with and that's a really shitty thing to accept. It's hard to walk away, but if you come to terms with the fact you don't like or want sex, you can leave yourself open to a relationship with someone who feels the same way.

Jeeeeeeesus Christ.

It’s rape. Just because you’re ok with it doesn’t mean 1) anyone else is 2) everyone else is not 3) it’s ethical.

lets just say it isn’t indeed case law that it’s rape (spoiler: it is), the law is a reflection of the values of society, what the average person in our society finds acceptable. 99% of people in this thread don’t find it acceptable.

What does 'feeling raped' mean? It's very simple, it's consent if you have the capacity and freedom to consent.

If you are unconscious or so drunk you're having blackouts, then you cannot consent because you are incapable of giving consent.

You can also withdraw consent at any time but the OP is incapacitated and cannot do that. She doesn't know if she consents to what he's doing to her because she doesn't know what he's done.