Finding courage to confront Dh

[confusedandupset99]

We are both 65 and retired. Over the last three months I’ve become aware that he has been lying to me at least once a week about where he is and has been spending time at a woman’s house we both know who in the past has admitted to a mutual friend she’d like to be more than friends (in a jokey way saying shame he’s married he’s her perfect match) I’ve not let on I know while I process it and he’s normal at home. Do men have affairs at 65. I fully admit the physical side has fizzled out over the years down to me mainly but he didn’t seem bothered. I know I need to talk to him but scared.

This. You can't expect him to be celibate for the rest of his life.

Either let him have his discreet affair or be prepared to blow it all up and spend the rest of your life single. Either is a valid choice. Expecting him to live forever in a sexless marriage with no complaint is not reasonable.

I disagree it's childish. It's realistic. Of course illness, disability or other issues are different. And of course we have to compromise and accept that there are things we can't have anymore. But as far as we know, none of that is what's happened here. What's happened is the OP decided she was done with sex and did not think it merited a discussion with her husband, whom she loves.

what's he cheating ON, though? They have no sexual or romantic relationship; basically they are living as friends who also have financial entanglement.

It's sort of impossible to cheat on a relationship that no longer exists.

No necessarily. I my husband and I rarely have sex because of disability and pain. Weve discussed it, I offered him a way out but ultimately we chose to stay married because we love each other and sex was not the most important part of our marriage

It’s a context thing.

Masturbation & sex are very different, yes both involve an orgasm but sex is also about feeling desired, attractive, physical closeness and affection etc. So yes, sex is about a lot more than just an orgasm.

But in the context of this situation, OP herself said she could accept it if it was “just” sex, and what I would take that to mean in this context is that if the relationship is purely about sex/sexual contact, no emotional chats, no confiding in each other, no dating etc, then it is “just sex” as in it is JUST purely a sexual relationship.

So it is true that sex is a lot more than an orgasm, but it can also be also be true that a relationship can be about “just” sex. You can been very attracted to and have great sex with someone and yet have no desire to take them for dinner, make them part of your family, confide in them emotionally, form a loving connection etc, hence why lots of people have friends with benefits. Sex & love are not mutually exclusive.

Surely the onus is on DH to initiate the conversation since he's the one with the issue? Having not broached the subject with OP It would be reasonable to conclude that DH didn't have an issue with the sex fizzling out? Especailly as this comes as a suprise to OP that DH has lied or claimed to be elsewhere.

Yes it is strange that people decide anything physical is no longer wanted and are surprised when their dps find it elsewhere. He should of course have discussed his unhappiness with the situation with the op but maybe he got sick of the rejection.

I don't advocate cheating but nor do I support sexless relationships where only one person has decided it is no longer required.

I disagree. I think the onus is on the person who has decided to withdraw what most people consider an essential component of married life. It seems to me quite likely that the husband continued to try to initiate sex for some time and was continually rebuffed and so eventually stopped trying.

😳

I agree. I find it baffling that women apparently don't think it deserves a discussion. I mean, every other aspect of married life merits discussion and compromise and agreement but apparently not this.

I disagree. If DH attempts were rebuffed then the correct thing to do is be an adult and have a conversation.

I could quite easily make inferences like yourself and state that it's quite likely DH response to any withdrawal of sex announcement would be to respond with 'yeah i'm ok with that', and then go behind OP's back. Since he's already shown with his behaviour to be deceptive and untrustworthy.

So what benefit would there have been had OP announced she was withdrawing sex from the table? There's no evidence based on DH behaviour to suggest he would be honest and forthcoming with his feelings?

I'd rather be single at 65 than know my dh is sneaking about behind my back and potentially screwing another woman. How can you possibly stay with someone who disrespects you like that?

But everyone is different and some people don't care if their spouse has a bit on the side as long as they don't have to fulfil that side of things!

I do agree though that a sexless marriage if one person isn't happy with that isn't ok.

If this was my DH, I would turn up on her doorstep when I know he is there. No idea what I would actually say, but I think their reaction would be very interesting.

The danger with the ‘Ignore because you’re 65yo’ is the fact some men will have no issue getting divorced if the grass looks greener. And then what?

I’m quite amazed at the ageism on this thread, to be honest (and it’s ageist regardless of PP’s own age). “You’re old, so tough, just live with it” — until he decides whether or not to move in with the OW.

OP, it’s up to you to decide whether to live with this or not. Please anyway get legal advice right now about your position, finances etc in the event of a divorce.

Then decide if you want to have a discussion with your husband. Bringing it into the open might rock the boat, but it’s probably going to start rocking anyway, and you need to have all your options ready.

I find it baffling how PP like yourself put so much value over a physical act versus a lfietime built with someone. Yes, sex is better than masturbation. But is casual sex under deceptive circumstances better than a guilt free wank? No way. Well only to those of low moral character.

Probably yes because some people seek the connection, the feeling of being wanted rather than a quick wank whilst their disinterested spouse isn't looking.

65 isn’t that old! I’m similar and would be absolutely devastated if my husband had an affair!

@Kubricklayer I really don't see how the wife's undiscussed unilateral withdrawal of sex from what was presumably previously a sexual relationship is the husband's "issue"? If she has decided to change a fundamental tenet of the marriage that is her prerogative, but she needs to discuss it with him so they can each decide what to do.

I never said that I value a physical act over a lifetime built with someone. But I don't think it's fair for one party to decide they no longer have any interest in that physical act and don't intend to participate anymore, regardless of how the other person feels about it.

The OP was done with sex. Her husband wasn't. They absolutely should have discussed it - BOTH of them. Once it became clear to him that she was no longer interested, yes, he should have talked to her. Although I maintain the onus was on her to make her position clear once she'd reached that decision. Perhaps he would have argued, or perhaps he would have said he was fine with the decision even when he wasn't. Perhaps he'd have asked for an open relationship. Or perhaps he thought he was fine at the time, and subsequently realised he wasn't. We can't know.

I’m also quite surprised at the idea that no sex= no relationship or marriage.

Do some men and women still want sex at 65yo? Yes.
Do all of them want it like if they were 20 or 40yo? Come on. Of course not! Some don’t want sex anymore (and btw no it’s not a requirement for women to go on HRT etc… to keep up their libido to carry satisfying their dh). Some waht sex only very occasionally. Some want sex still every week.
But making the assumption that if you aren’t at it at that age then you don’t have a marriage is just 🤢🤢

What a really weird way to look at marriage, so if the conditions don't suit, you just off and find something elsewhere do you?

Kinda hard to say a relationship doesn't exist when at least one side thinks it does AND they're still married, that's a relationship right there. If he doesn't like the amount of intimacy then he has a conversation like a grown ass 65 year old man, not leaves his wife to discover through someone else he's getting it elsewhere

Low low bars everywhere

I am 61 and I would also be devastated if my DH had an affair. But I haven't changed the nature of our relationship (and then failed to let him know about the change).

Except it’s not ‘I have DECIDED I’m not interested in sex’.
Its menopause has stolen my libido. Just like developping a chronic illness can do that. You know the stuff that most people over 65yo are struggling with (the health span is about 60yo).

How do you integrate illness and limitations due to age and illness into ‘you DECIDED to stop having sex’?
Seriously, how do you think that age and health problem (with menopause is) should be included into your approach of ‘stoping to fulfil your duty as a wife/husband’?