My husband is unattracted to me I’ve done everything he has asked

[sadfish19]

First off I have gained a lot of weight during my long relationship.Which is my fault I didn’t realize how depressed I was until I got better. I take full responsibility and I am greatful that my husband didn’t leave me then. I know I am a great wife I cook all the meals do all the cleaning I even take care of all the financials. Besides outdoor projects he doesn’t really have to lift a finger. I work from home so I’m always here.

Over the past few years I have taken steps to lose weight and be more active. The past 6 months the I’ve been on a GLP1 and lost 30 more lbs I’m 5’2 so it’s very noticeable he has even completed me on it. I feel really proud of myself and feeling confident and good. Of course I wanted to be healthier but the day I ordered the medication started with my husband telling me everything he was unhappy about my body the way I dress not being feminine enough etc.

Ever since then I make a daily effort to check all of the boxes he has made for me I make sure to make myself presentable everyday before my husband comes home .I have a rule that I wear a dress every other day at least.
Do hair/makeup at least multiple times a week.

Exactly 6 months almost to the day he has the same issues with me. Like I have done absolutely nothing even though on a daily basis I make sure to check those boxes he wanted from me.
Over the past year and a half I have made an effort to do more cardio I get at least 10k steps a day and it has really helped with weight loss. My stamina is amazing now. He told me that doesn’t count and I need to actually work out. I need to get ready everyday like I’m going to a “real job” I wfm.

I’m already doing these things and I get no credit at all in another 6 months I feel like it’s going to happen again. Even if I look good everyday and lose as much more weight as I can.
I don’t know what to do I have no friends or anyone I can talk to. I feel like I’m going insane.
I’ve been so happy lately feeling better about myself thinking everything is great and he’s still unhappy. Nothing I do is ever good enough even if it’s exactly what is asked of me I don’t get it.
He never has to feel like his partner doesn’t like him or doesn’t want him.

I have a good family. I honestly don’t care or have friends I’m an extremely antisocial person and I hate having to keep up relationships. Huge homebody

I would be happy to be the 1950s housewife if he could be the 1950s husband who paid all the bills and I didn’t have to work lol

@sadfish19 it’s being done to keep you in your place OP - the stronger you are the more you will realise you deserve far more- looking better, losing weight, etc threatens him and your dependency on him , so as someone else said he’s making you feel that ‘it’s not enough- let’s reverse this how would you be if you were supporting him in a similar situation ?? Not like him I can guarantee -

Your flogging a dead horse. Get rid, theres 14 stone lost in one easy way! Seriously, he sounds like he wants change.

You seem to be doing both. You take care of everything at home and pay the bills. Your husband has it made.

the reason you are putting up with his awful behaviour OP is you have made him ‘your whole life- ‘ not a part of it . It’s not healthy

Also, why are seeking his approval?

Who decided that his approval is the deteminer of whether or not you are 'good' person or an 'attractive' person or a 'good' wife?

It's all so odd. As though you were put on this earth to please him and only him.

Men like this can't stand women who rise up. they feel threatened. Like you might leave him.

The more attractive you become, the more he will put you down. His need to control you will only increase.

Probably the recent changes have worried him and he'll continue to tell you that you need to do more and more.

Eventually perhaps he'll tell you your breasts aren't big enough and you'l get implants?

And that your butt isn't quite right and you need a lift?

At what point do you question this man's ability to determine what is right for you? What is good enough?

Why is he the arbiter of your 'enoughness'?

He is a small-minded threatened poorly self-aware individual. I don't like him at all. He is mean spirited and controlling.

he is not an uplifter. He is not here to enable you. he is here to hold you back and take you down. I think maybe he does not like strong women. He may not like women at all. What's his relationship like with his mother?

Ok OP here we go-
– Dress to please yourself and to feel
good about yourself. He has not earned the right
to an opinion at the moment. If he comments, raise what you would like him to wear/ do too.
— Find some activity or social event that you can tolerate away from him and make some new contacts. Even if it is hard, I’m afraid it is important.
— Congratulations on your weight loss and healthy living. At all costs keep this up. It will do wonders for your self confidence.
— Evaluate your relationship- why are you doing all the cooking, cleaning etc? This is harsh but if you act like a doormat, people will walk all over you. Bring up with him what has to change. Work out what steps you can take to force the change.
— Next time he gives you his 6 month check up, have a list of things you are dissatisfied with too and raise them any time he wants to discuss your shortcomings
— If he criticises your appearance/ dress etc approach it from the perspective of ‘this is me, if you are not happy with me you are welcome to walk out the door, I can find someone who does appreciate me if you have a problem with that.
— Keep an eye on your biological clock if you want children. I’d give him 1-2 years max to shape up or I’d give up and find someone worthy of me.
I repeat, if you behave like a doormat don’t be surprised when people walk all over you. You will never be thin enough, or well dressed enough to satisfy him - he will just change the goalposts. You win by refusing to play that game. You deserve better - make sure you get it.

OK, too many excuses. I checked out. Good luck OP.

"I don't like people".

Well then you are stuck where you are then aren't you?

I have one suggestion, just ignore him and do what makes you happy. The more you pander to his nonsense the more he will tell you what you should do to make him happy. Just ignore and do things for your own health and happiness. When he sees you happy and confident he will realise you aren’t going to play his silly games. And men prefer chasing than being chased. So be aloof and get on with things and he will soon get in line!

Sorry if I’ve missed it but does he have friends? Maybe he’s depressed at being your 100% support person (barring your parents)? No one can be expected to take on the whole load of someone’s socialising and mentally and emotionally offloading - that’s what friends are for - to share that so it’s not all put on one partner/spouse.

He sounds abusive.

My husband gained weight during lockdown/covid (he had never been overweight before, he was lean and very thin when we got married). He looked like a different person, and whilst I still loved him I didn't fancy him as much (I never told him that, but if he'd pushed me to be honest I would've been).
He's lost the weight he gained (off his own steam, I never asked him to) and I fancy him again. I'm being brutally honest, it might not matter to some, but the bloated belly mattered to MY mojo!

I take it this is a pisstake. If not, he hates you and wants to leave anyway. His next girlfriend (whom he has likely already lined up) will probably be a career woman who doesn’t do all the tradwife crap you do for him. Stop doing it and have some self respect.

And if you work from home around the same no of hours (?) why are you doing absolutely everything in the home apart from a few outside jobs????

You sound like you've made yourself into a Stepford wife.

Yet even Stepford wives were housewives and weren't earning money as well as everything else.

I don’t think your relationship is healthy. One person can’t meet all your needs, and even if he were the perfect partner, you can’t guarantee that someone will be around for your entire life. I can’t imagine having no friends or work collets talk to, you must feel so isolated.

Oh dear.
Your worth is not in your appearance.

I've lost 7 stone in the last 16 months. My husband loved and respected me when I was over 20 stone. He doesn't love me more now that I'm a size 12.

Your husband is a nasty piece of work.

Obviously not in love or he wouldn't be so cruel.

It doesn't matter that he doesn't do it on a regular basis, he shouldn't be doing it at all.

Even without the checklist why are you doing all the cooking, housework etc?? That's not a partnership, you're his servant.

Please start going out to hobby groups or local book club or something to make some friends and see that you are liked and loved for who you are.

Think about this for a moment:

Do you seriously believe that you were put on God's Green Earth for the sole purpose of keeping a man happy? If you do, then carry on as you are, because nobody here can help you.

If, on the other hand, there is a glimmer of light in your brain that's wondering whether that's all there is to life, then take on board what all these posters are saying and learn from it.

By the way, has it ever occurred to you that your serious anxiety issues are directly caused by him, because you think he's always mad or upset with you and you never feel 'good' enough?

Haven't rtft but have read all your comments op.

He's a pig. You'd be much better off without him. He isn't your best friend at all.

Always put out this is sad OP, that this is what you base being a good spouse on.

I know you’ve said you don’t like people, but you really do need some other people in your life. There’s a big difference between being an extroverted social butterfly with plans with different people all across the week and having a few friends you can text or have a coffee with and cover topics from hoover recommendations to is my partner a bastard? You really do need that in your life. Without it, you have no compass of what is normal and healthy, and at some level he knows you don’t have that so he treats you like this because he feels you will never leave.

Your husband should love you in mismatched pjs and no makeup.

His love should not be conditional to putting on a nice frock and an updo.

What interests do you have outside work and home? You need something you can do without him, and if he pushes back against that then that’s a whole other barrel of red flags tbh. Join a choir, go line dancing, swim, knit, volunteer for the girl guides, whatever matches with you. Set something up so you have a weekly thing that is not work and does not involve your husband and go find a bit of the outside world. It will give you an important step in finding some balance in your life and getting out of the identity of just being his wife.

Well he doesnt.

Maybe you can put that on a list of check boxes for him. When he's the sole earner, then you can tell him he doesn't earn enough so it doesn't count.

Cause I'm not sure why he has a list for you but you apparently don't have one for him (that you are never satisfied with and keep changing the goal posts on).

And anyway, not having your own job and money usually doesn't work out very well for women if their husbands leave them. Unless they're Jeff Bezos or someone.

No e of my best friends gave ever had a check box list for what I have to do to be "acceptable' or approved of....that they then change and expand.

None of my best friends have ever criticised me repeatedly.

Oh OP why are you doing this for him or a future partner? Why aren't you doing it for you?

You said your proud of yourself and feeling confident. He, on the other hand still isn't happy. Doing all this has not changed anything. It didn't work. It never will. There'll always be something else. He probably doesn't like the confidence this gives you. He needs to nip that in the bud by minimising your achievement.

This isn't about self improvement, it's about control. You're turning yourself inside out in the hopes you'll meet the required 'targets'.

I had one of these, he had a shopping list of things that needed to change. I told him he'd be better off swapping me for a different woman rather than change everything he didn't like about me. So he did. Horrible man who hated women. The mask slipped and I saw him for what he was.

No I just think im a catch and can’t imagine how nice it would be to be treated like that. Feel actually appreciated for the constant things im doing to make our life run