My husband is unattracted to me I’ve done everything he has asked

[sadfish19]

First off I have gained a lot of weight during my long relationship.Which is my fault I didn’t realize how depressed I was until I got better. I take full responsibility and I am greatful that my husband didn’t leave me then. I know I am a great wife I cook all the meals do all the cleaning I even take care of all the financials. Besides outdoor projects he doesn’t really have to lift a finger. I work from home so I’m always here.

Over the past few years I have taken steps to lose weight and be more active. The past 6 months the I’ve been on a GLP1 and lost 30 more lbs I’m 5’2 so it’s very noticeable he has even completed me on it. I feel really proud of myself and feeling confident and good. Of course I wanted to be healthier but the day I ordered the medication started with my husband telling me everything he was unhappy about my body the way I dress not being feminine enough etc.

Ever since then I make a daily effort to check all of the boxes he has made for me I make sure to make myself presentable everyday before my husband comes home .I have a rule that I wear a dress every other day at least.
Do hair/makeup at least multiple times a week.

Exactly 6 months almost to the day he has the same issues with me. Like I have done absolutely nothing even though on a daily basis I make sure to check those boxes he wanted from me.
Over the past year and a half I have made an effort to do more cardio I get at least 10k steps a day and it has really helped with weight loss. My stamina is amazing now. He told me that doesn’t count and I need to actually work out. I need to get ready everyday like I’m going to a “real job” I wfm.

I’m already doing these things and I get no credit at all in another 6 months I feel like it’s going to happen again. Even if I look good everyday and lose as much more weight as I can.
I don’t know what to do I have no friends or anyone I can talk to. I feel like I’m going insane.
I’ve been so happy lately feeling better about myself thinking everything is great and he’s still unhappy. Nothing I do is ever good enough even if it’s exactly what is asked of me I don’t get it.
He never has to feel like his partner doesn’t like him or doesn’t want him.

He shouldn't be making those comments anyway, i have put weight on too since being married and never once has my husband complained, I'm so sorry that you don't seem to realise how not normal this actually is, fair enough if you want to do it for yourself but doing it because he is making awful comments isn't right, he will always find something to complain about because that is what abusive and controlling people do, I hope you can see that you matter more than that and someone else will see how much value you have, you are isolated which doesn't help and I think talking about this even online was a good decision as you need perspective on what abuse can look like and to me that is abuse I hope you can find the courage to leave and find your own life away from that negativity

I just think once I lose enough weight I’ll be attractive enough to where he can’t make these complaints anymore. And either way if it’s not enough and least I made myself better for someone else.

Make yourself better for you and no one else. I wish you could see this behaviour from our point of view, it is mean and controlling.

You will never get to the point that where he tells you you are good enough for his pompous highness.

He will always seek to destroy your confidence. He is enjoying the spectacle of you putting on makeup and wearing dresses, basically begging for his approval.

This is what he is in the relationship for, along with the meals, the cleaning, and the laundry services you provide. He's a parasite.

You should listen to TLCs unpretty. Get rid of him and get back to you.

parasite is spot on

@sadfish19 you might be in love OP - he isn’t ! I know that sounds harsh but if he was he certainly wouldn’t be behaving like this - it’s either to ‘keep you guessing ‘ or he’s just a total arse- probably both -

Super codependent. I just figure that’s why I stopped caring about myself I was in survival mode almost. I can’t say I was clinically depressed I just got over it eventually and think that’s what it was looking back. And when he asked me why I let myself go that’s what I told him

Or no scrubs haha

@sadfish19 you deserve a million times better.

I reckon ive said it once before on mumsnet; you’re the second: kick him out.

He’s controlling and nasty. There’s better out there for you and I think without him kicking you constantly you will feel instantly better.
big hug for you and well done on your amazing health efforts. Xxx

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This, in fucking spades.

He is terrible and you are not best friends, a best friend wouldn't treat you like that. You've been with him pretty much your whole dating life, you have nothing to compare him to. This is not the stuff of a normal healthy relationship, I'm sorry to say. You sound like you've been with him so long and your worth is so dependent on him, that you have no idea who you are or what your value is. You say you do all the housework, cooking and he doesn't have to do a thing, you do everything. That makes a good PA, not a good wife. You will always be unhappy if your happiness depends on his approval - like a dog waiting for a treat or a pat on the head. I am genuinely sad for you - you need support to work on your self.

I'm so sorry. I really hope you can see this relationship for what it is and get the strength to leave.

Best friends don’t criticise and indermine you. He’s not your friend op.

You are in an abusive marriage
he is making you feel like a employee who has to meet certain criteria to be loved

THIS IS NOT A HAPPY MARRIAGE!!!

what would happen if you told him what boxes she needs to tick to be acceptable to him?

I was finally getting my confidence back I feel like I just got knocked down 10 pegs back again

@BigHeadBerthaOP says she works from home, so she already has a job as well as doing everything else …..

This will keep happening until you leave

I don't understand how it works to have someone's location because that's not something that I have ever felt was necessary. Does that mean that you're watching constantly to see where he is?

This has made me feel a lot better y’all. I have some decent anxiety and I’m always telling myself he’s mad or upset with me. Sometimes annoyed with me. But I figured it was just in my head. I don’t think it is in my head he just doesn’t like me and my subconscious knows it deep down. I know I’m awesome and a great wife. I am a damn good cook and always put out.

He's using your image as a way to control you.

He's really not a nice person. He knows how much it affects you and he uses it to psychologically stay dependent on him.

The thing is, you're very cut off from everyone else, you have no outside life, no perspective on how to have support from others. I'm not sure we're supposed to be isolated in this way, it's not healthy.

Who suggested you never go out and have friends?

You met when you were 14?

It's all a bit controlling and odd. You don't know what it's like to have friends perhaps because your entire adult existence has consisted with being with a very controlling man.

We need friends, we need family, we need partners. Life is a mix of all these supports and contexts. But it's not just one person to do ALL of this.

Right now you have one person who fills your entire life.

And he controls you with that 100%.

I could not live like this. I'd also become depressed.

Why do you stay with him?

1950s want your fella back - though saying that I once really noticed my Dad look at my Mum, whom he married in the 50s, just as he saw her - the most beautiful woman in the world - when they were both knocking on 90 and she was struggling in her rehab care home - he couldn’t wait to get her home too. He actually only ever had these eyes, only ever supported her, worked as a team, and I think in a relationship then that really should be expected tbh. (I never found it btw but enjoy single life instead now!)
One thing I know though is that whatever you do, it will never be enough - he's gone there, he's gone and made some 'goals' you should aim for to make him happy, and these will always be what my manager (at work!) calls 'stretching goals' - he wants to keep you on your toes, keep you focussed on him, his 'needs'.
Enjoy you - enjoy your weight loss your way - and stop being ok with his bloody lists of things you should do - you're his equal not his employee and you deserve better.

He doesn't love you.

I know I am a great wife I cook all the meals do all the cleaning I even take care of all the financials. Besides outdoor projects he doesn’t really have to lift a finger. I work from home so I’m always here.

That's not being a wife, that's being a housekeeper.
If you enjoy doing all these things, then fine. But do not do them to try to please anyone else!

In the nicest way, being house proud and a good hostess does not make you "attractive". It's comfortable, but it makes you part of the furniture.

In a healthy and happy relationship, you should do things together, travel, have hobbies, not being his mum! You are so young, you could have a much happier life.

Wtf am I reading? If you want to make changes, do it for you. And you might be 'in love' but he isn't, you don't treat someone you love like that. He is keeping you in your place, and he sees your getting more confident so he wants to knock you off your perch so you think you're lucky to be with him...... which you most certainly are not. Seriously, it makes me sad to think people live like that. You're only 29, you have years left on this planet, do not waste them on him.