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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

My heart is shattered

138 replies

Heartbrokenpoppy · 29/04/2025 04:30

Hi all nc as I know a few people on here
It is now 4.23 am I've had about 1 hours sleep . Yesterday I found out that my partner was on a dating site messaging other women. The idiot had msg a friend of a friend with the intention to cheat / moved the conversation over to what's app and they had been arranging to meet / sexting etc.
Let's call this lady Jane. Jane showed my friend carrie a picture of the man she was msging ( carrie and Jane work together ) my friend carrie instantly said that's poppy's partner ( I don't know Jane)
They have sent me all the screenshots
I am devastated. I honestly believed he was one of the good guys.
My heart aches. I haven't eaten since finding out.
Please help me
I love this man
My world has been turned upside down
I cannot stay with him.
It is over for me. I will never ever trust him again
He does not know that I know yet we do not live together
However he's msging me as normal saying he misses and loves me and can't wait to see me on Wednesday

OP posts:
bizzylizzy87 · 29/04/2025 04:49

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ.

Heartbrokenpoppy · 29/04/2025 06:40

Thank you for this. I don't have the energy to write much back at this time

OP posts:
BunnyRuddington · 29/04/2025 06:52

I do agree with a lot of what bizzy says apart from confronting him. You can choose to do this or not.

Please bear in mind though that if he is this duplicitous then he’s likely to try and gaslight you into staying with him and you’re currently reeling which can make you vulnerable.

He doesn’t deserve an explanation and you don’t have to put yourself through a confrontation if you don’t want to.

Do agree with trying to get some water and talking to your friends though. You’ve had an awful shock but it’s so much better to find out now before yours lives and finances are more enmeshed.

Hope you managed to get some more sleep Flowers

OchreRaven · 29/04/2025 07:16

I would ghost him and if he ever confronts you tell him you didn’t fancy him anymore. He obviously is insecure and needs constant attention and validation. Taking that away from him will hurt more than confronting him and showing him how much he has hurt you.

He knows what he did. You don’t need to tell him. Who knows how many times he has done this before. This wasn’t the first time.

Get angry. Write down everything you want to say and then burn it. He doesn’t deserve your honesty when he never gave you his. I know it’s very painful right now but in time you will be glad this happened and you didn’t waste any more time on him. Unfortunately you are grieving the man you thought he was not who he actually is. The man he actually is doesn’t deserve your tears.

BlahBlahBittyBlah · 29/04/2025 07:20

If you’re not financially entangled and can just walk away, I’d be inclined to send him the screenshots and then just block him. Refuse to discuss, there’s nothing to discuss. He will only lie and mess with your head, when really you know what has to happen. Make it as painless for yourself as you can, you owe him
nothing. You are worth more x

fairydustforme · 29/04/2025 07:23

You’re effectively in the driving seat here. You know info that he doesn’t know you know. You can play this out however you want to. Certainly take some time to think about what you want your future to look like, and when you’re ready put that plan in place. Naturally you will want to make sure your living / finances etc are secure. Confide in someone close who can be there to discuss things with you and help support you, whilst not telling other people your business. Perhaps your friend & her colleague could keep going just to see how far he’d take it. If he meets up with her, you could be there if you wanted to, and know that he’s not just doing it for attention, but had the capability of actually meeting up, cheating, but being normal with you. Although it seems terrible now, you’ve actually got an opportunity to let this help you prepare for your next move.

my heart breaks for you, but keep cool and remember he is no longer on your team. It’s now all about you and what you want.

fourelementary · 29/04/2025 07:25

BlahBlahBittyBlah · 29/04/2025 07:20

If you’re not financially entangled and can just walk away, I’d be inclined to send him the screenshots and then just block him. Refuse to discuss, there’s nothing to discuss. He will only lie and mess with your head, when really you know what has to happen. Make it as painless for yourself as you can, you owe him
nothing. You are worth more x

What she said. Block, delete and do NOT listen to his lies. Head up girl and move on. As another PP said- you’re not grieving the loss of HIM as he was a fake and a liar and a cheat. You’re grieving the loss of who you thought he was. So take care of yourself and stay away from that loser.

Blondeshavemorefun · 29/04/2025 07:30

How long had you been together ?

be thankful don’t live together so hopefully no financial stuff to sort

sorry you found out thus way but in months to come you will be relieved

do not take him back as he has betrayed your Trust no matter what he tries to tell you that it was a mistake. A one off. Etx

StrawberryDream24 · 29/04/2025 07:46

I take it you confirmed the WhatsApp number is his?

It's just that when confronted he'll probably try to say someone's using his pics on the dating site. So, if you're certain the WhatsApp messages are from his number, you can nip that in the bud immediately.

Not that you have to confront him.

StrawberryDream24 · 29/04/2025 07:48

If he meets up with her, you could be there if you wanted to, and know that he’s not just doing it for attention, but had the capability of actually meeting up, cheating, but being normal with you

Who wants to be in a relationship with someone who's on dating sites and sexting other women he meets on there "for attention.", even if he doesn't meet up?

BlondiePortz · 29/04/2025 07:52

StrawberryDream24 · 29/04/2025 07:48

If he meets up with her, you could be there if you wanted to, and know that he’s not just doing it for attention, but had the capability of actually meeting up, cheating, but being normal with you

Who wants to be in a relationship with someone who's on dating sites and sexting other women he meets on there "for attention.", even if he doesn't meet up?

exactly, why on earth would someone lower themselves like that?

UpUpUpU · 29/04/2025 07:57

Oh OP. I have been there and it a like being hit by a truck. But I promise you that it does get better and you will be ok.

Just take a day at a time or even an hour at a time.

I had a lot of anger and I directed it at him. I wasn’t proud of my outburst but I was younger, my first long term relationship (we had just got married!!) I’m much older now and would do things differently but you need an outlet to get it out of your system.

Be kind to yourself and with regards to him, I would send the screenshots and block him. Absolutely don’t give him any right to reply.

Try and have a drink and a bite of food this morning, a shower if you can manage it too. It will help, I promise.

Calliopespa · 29/04/2025 08:01

You don’t “love this man” op; you love the man you thought he was, but isn’t.

Sorry this has happened.

Lesleyann25 · 29/04/2025 08:16

This is the reason I stopped dating, this seems to happen all the time. If you meet someone online a lot of the time they stay online but hide it from you. I had this whole ball ache 2 years ago and it was just hassle I can do without. It had a knock on effect because of the stress caused by it and regret ever getting involved.

UncleBillyHatesChristmas · 29/04/2025 08:44

@Heartbrokenpoppy I'm so sorry this is happening to you, my best friend found my (then bf now ex) on pof/bumble/every other site imaginable.
He tried to deny it was him but the idiot had the same profile and picture he had when I met him.
Almost 15 years later I’ve had 3 beautiful DC with the love of my life, we own a lovely home and are planning a wedding.

Ex is still using the same 20 year old picture of himself and same bio of lies on tinder/pof/bumble.
A few months ago I was pushing my toddler past subway and he was just walking in, older, bald, gained weight and this man who broke my heart I couldn’t even be arsed glancing at again at him to enjoy him looking rougher than burnt toast. I just didn’t give a shit.

One day @Heartbrokenpoppy you’ll have not thought of him for a long time and see him and think, “why the hell did that loser break my heart”.

He is a loser, you are terrific. Now block him and don’t due your hair out of the desperate need to do something dramatic, nobody ever likes post breakup hair. Just get your nails done or something.

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 29/04/2025 08:48

I think it's the shock cutting in. Shock tends to sweep the world from under you and make you feel powerless. You are not powerless. You are NEVER powerless. The ball is entirely in your court.

And things will get easier. When the anger cuts in - how DARE he treat me like this?!?- you will start to see him for the worthless two timing shit he is, rather than the lovely man you thought he was. For now, just breathe and take all the time you need.

fairydustforme · 29/04/2025 08:57

BlondiePortz · 29/04/2025 07:52

exactly, why on earth would someone lower themselves like that?

I meant more for solid proof, not that messaging is acceptable or forgivable. Just if he meets up then it removes any chance of him stating he was bored/lonely etc, never would have done anything, or whatever else these men come up with

Endofyear · 29/04/2025 09:00

I'm so sorry that this has happened to you. I can imagine you're just reeling from the shock at the moment. Talk to your friends and give yourself a bit of time and breathing space. It's good that you don't live together as there will be less to untangle and your home will still be a safe space for you.

When you've had time to think this through, it's going to be up to you whether you confront him or just send him a message and block him. Whatever you decide is a valid choice. You can take control of the situation.

FartSock5000 · 29/04/2025 09:28

@Heartbrokenpoppy very similar happened to me. I caught him on an adult site that has sex workers. He had messaged one and was arranging to meet her. He even sent a follow up message to let her know his travel plans had changed. When confronted, I wanted to know why he was meeting sex workers when he had a GF at home willing to give him all the sex he wanted and his pathetic excuse was worse - he didn't realise he'd have to pay. He thought it was a real person looking for a casual hook up. I even laughed at his idiocy because he'd gone on an overnight away for work with £30 in his pocket (we were skint) and would have had a shock when she showed up demanding payment and that is all he had.

I loved him so much that I let it go. I let myself believe it was a one off moment of stupidity. A month later he fell asleep on the sofa with his phone in his hand, unlocked and there was a dating website up where he'd been looking at a particular girls profile - this was Valentine's Day BTW.

At that point, my shock and pain from the first time transformed into anger and I realised that no matter how much I loved him, he did not love me back.

I then understood my own self worth and despite the pain, I dumped him and stopped speaking to him. I removed all his access to me.

Rip the plaster off the wound, @Heartbrokenpoppy . No second chances because if his eye is wandering now, he is already emotionally disconnected from you and the love is gone leaving a residual affection and fear of being alone.

You are worth so much more than that and you deserve better. 🌹

Lesleyann25 · 29/04/2025 09:33

Do not take it personally, I found it hard not to but I saw a friend of his and his friend told me that the women he was with after me had caught him sexting someone with pictures of his dick etc. some of these men are repeat offenders. I’ve only done online dating twice with years apart and saw some of the same men and thought what sad idiot you are.

Strangeworldtoday · 29/04/2025 09:36

I had a friend who found out her husband was on ashley maddison, rhry had a small child.
The break up was so hard but once she had moved on then she really found herself, grew as a person and is stronger, happier, healthier then she ever was with him.
There will be darkness now but light at the end. Find the light and walk towards it to freedom.

MyQuirkyTraybake · 29/04/2025 10:28

StrawberryDream24 · 29/04/2025 07:48

If he meets up with her, you could be there if you wanted to, and know that he’s not just doing it for attention, but had the capability of actually meeting up, cheating, but being normal with you

Who wants to be in a relationship with someone who's on dating sites and sexting other women he meets on there "for attention.", even if he doesn't meet up?

This.

I've been where you are OP, twice. I'm so sorry.

Life does get better. You will get over this.

Please focus on yourself. Do something for yourself. Pour all your love in to your life. In less than a year this won't matter like it does now and in two years you'll be thankful. You'll laugh again, trust me.

Chin up x

Bittenonce · 29/04/2025 11:00

You don't love him. You loved who you thought he was - but he isn't that person.
There's no way it isn't going to hurt but really your best bet is to send a couple of screenshots, block and delete, no contact. Book a holiday. Any conversation with him now is going to mean him lying and at the moment you're probably vulnerable enough that you might believe some of them.

GoldBeautifulHeart · 29/04/2025 11:22

What a disgusting piece of devious shit. Messaging you all normal whilst doing that. Horrible man. Stay strong op. I'm so sorry he has hurt you. 😥

investmentquandry · 29/04/2025 11:30

Honestly, I would send him a screen shot of the messages, and then ignore him. I wouldn't block, as I'd be interested to see what he says, but I wouldn't reply, ever!