My heart is shattered

[Heartbrokenpoppy]

Hi all nc as I know a few people on here
It is now 4.23 am I've had about 1 hours sleep . Yesterday I found out that my partner was on a dating site messaging other women. The idiot had msg a friend of a friend with the intention to cheat / moved the conversation over to what's app and they had been arranging to meet / sexting etc.
Let's call this lady Jane. Jane showed my friend carrie a picture of the man she was msging ( carrie and Jane work together ) my friend carrie instantly said that's poppy's partner ( I don't know Jane)
They have sent me all the screenshots
I am devastated. I honestly believed he was one of the good guys.
My heart aches. I haven't eaten since finding out.
Please help me
I love this man
My world has been turned upside down
I cannot stay with him.
It is over for me. I will never ever trust him again
He does not know that I know yet we do not live together
However he's msging me as normal saying he misses and loves me and can't wait to see me on Wednesday

I’d turn up in the pub with a friend on the pretense I was there for drinks, whilst he’s there waiting for her to turn up. ‘Hello what you doing here?’ ‘Let me grab a drink anf we’ll join you’ and watch his soul leave his body !!!

Not this -do not turn up!!!!!!!!!!!

Slight off topic but may help with why NOT telling him you know will drive him demented.
Sone years ago my exh had a brief affair (very upset as part of a wider friendship/hobby group) . I was told by OW H (posted on here under another name and had lovely advice).
However we decided to patch it up, but on the proviso he finished it but did not tell her I knew. She was annoyed because I think she had engineered for her estranged H to let me know and blow up our marriage.
I never responded to her H message, just dealt with it with my own H.
She frantically messaged my exh to say her H was reaching out to me. My H replied that I hadn’t mentioned receiving anything and didn’t know, but in the circs, best to just end it there.
And he did, (and for a few years our marriage was better)
But she was perplexed and bemused because I carried on being polite and friendly when I saw her at the hobby -no sign at all that I knew.
So no drama/ really is better not to tell people what you know.
Please don’t send the screen shots/turn up at the pub/ you really will eventually feel much better and in control to grey rock/ block.

I would be telling Jane to go for the date and I would be accompanying her, then ghost

If you ghost first it will be interesting to see if he still shows up or cancels the date with Jane knowing he may have been rumbled.

I agree with pp. Don’t give him any reason for the ghosting. Him doubting himself i.e. did you have someone else on the side, was he not enough, did you find out about him cheating etc will really tear him up. Don’t give him closure. He doesn’t deserve it.

But you need to get your feelings out. Write him a long letter with all your feelings and then burn it.

I’m sorry op. I couldn’t be bothered with his drama. I would send him the messages and block him.

Same I got reactive once after cheating and I now wish I had just blocked and walked away. Just caused myself more unnecessary stress. It’s hard though because you are fuming, sad

Do you have a key for his place?

Maybe you could be there waiting when they turn up at his for (what he thinks) is sex 👀

Once a cheat always a cheat. You're lucky in a way that you don't live together and have no financial ties so can make a clean break. You're lucky to have found out early, as painful as I know it is.
A big ex who cheated on me 10 years ago has since done the exact same thing to the OW.
It'll take time but you'll be the real winner.

Hi here's a little update
So I am going completely no contact from today
He has sent me the usual good morning msg & I haven't even opened it
Just a bit of advice please
What would be more effective to never open the msg and ghost or to open it and ghost ?
Either way I'm feeling a little stronger today after speaking to family and friends I've relapsed I've got this I'm going to be ok x

I would open it, if you don't he might start thinking there's some problem with your phone and bombard you with contact or try and get in touch other ways. Sorry this has happened, but sounds like you are being strong and dealing with it very well so far. It's never going to be fun but you will get through it...

Just sending you strength. I am so sorry you have to go through this, but you are handling this well. I know you want to ghost and believe this is a way to take back power, but the main thing is that the relationship is done and you listen to nothing from him. you will have a beautiful life without this creep and thank God you found out.

*realised! Not relapsed 😆

He's unaware that he's dumped, so ghosting him isn't working.
Text him that you're no longer attracted to him (especially if he's particularly proud about any feature, say it's mainly because of that) and the relationship is over, that he is not to contact you again.

Why not send him a screenshot of him cheating then block him?

I’ve never blocked anyone but I believe they will know when they can’t see your profile pic anymore (on WhatsApp) and none of their messages will get through.

I would then block him on any social media. He will realise this is intentional and he’ll freak out. Part of him will guess that he’s been rumbled but he’ll never get closure and it will drive him crazy.

Is your friend still pretending to make plans to see him?

Update ... he's just msg the girl and backed out if the date

I would personally just send him a message ‘unblock’ if needed - just say ‘I know exactly what you have been up to chasing other women’ please don’t lie, I have seen it in black and white, I’m incredibly disappointed in you and please don’t contact me ever again ‘ and then block again

Is there a chance he already has realised you are upset with him?

If not it could be that he was always going to bail and enjoys getting attention and leading on other women.

But even if he has never moved past messaging (which is doubtful) that need in him for attention from other women will always be there and you will never trust him.

Stick to your plan. This changes nothing.

Listen, so what. He's a cheating lying bastard. Don't go near him with a barge pole!

I think he's backed out because op hasn't been replying to him.
He won't know what she knows and will think he can just deny everything if he doesn't go the date .
You are doing brilliantly, op. You deserve so much better than him.

This is exactly what happened to me with my ex husband. Note the ex. I chucked him out and haven’t spoken to him since. He said it was an ego boost and all that, blah blah blah but honestly this isn’t the kind of man you want to be with. You’re worth so much more

Do it anyway. He has broken your trust.

Take some time to calm yourself down, and think. Yes, it's the end of the road for your relationship, but you don't need me to tell you that. Before you're due to see him, just send the screenshots, and block him. You aren't tied to him in any capacity, so you can simply walk away. You don't love him, you are in love with the man he appeared to be. He's not the man he appears to be at all. You can bet your bottom dollar that this isn't the first time.

Yes he's backed out because you have gone cold. He's wondering why, done some digging and realizes the connection and is hoping he can talk his way out of it.. ego boost seems to be the default and he will probably through in some MH issues, abandonment etc to gain your sympathy. The hardest thing will not to confront him but by far the most effective if you want to replicate some of the damage he has thrown your way. Simply never replying will drive him insane. Good luck op, so sorry this has happened to you.. stay strong