My heart is shattered

[Heartbrokenpoppy]

Hi all nc as I know a few people on here
It is now 4.23 am I've had about 1 hours sleep . Yesterday I found out that my partner was on a dating site messaging other women. The idiot had msg a friend of a friend with the intention to cheat / moved the conversation over to what's app and they had been arranging to meet / sexting etc.
Let's call this lady Jane. Jane showed my friend carrie a picture of the man she was msging ( carrie and Jane work together ) my friend carrie instantly said that's poppy's partner ( I don't know Jane)
They have sent me all the screenshots
I am devastated. I honestly believed he was one of the good guys.
My heart aches. I haven't eaten since finding out.
Please help me
I love this man
My world has been turned upside down
I cannot stay with him.
It is over for me. I will never ever trust him again
He does not know that I know yet we do not live together
However he's msging me as normal saying he misses and loves me and can't wait to see me on Wednesday

I would just ghost him, the best revenge as it will drive him absolutely bonkers
I know wanting to have it out will probably override that but he will just lie, minimize and as you seem so fragile there is a chance he will worm his way back in and you will be on here in a few years time, that bit older , that bit more invested having the same issues

This is what I would do.

1. Gather up all his shit if he has any at your place, put it in a box and mail it to him.

2. Text him when his shit arrives and he questions it saying, “It’s over don’t contact me again.” Nothing else.

3. Block him everywhere.

4. Never speak to him again. And if he turns up at your place, don’t answer the door, call the police and have them remove him.

You know who he is now. He’s a liar and can never be trusted. The man you love is not who he really is. That’s a mask.

I know it’s heartbreaking but it’s better to know now before you’re living together, married or have kids involved. This is a blessing in disguise. He may have cheated on you before and never been caught. That’s a risk to your physical health as well.

Thank you for all of your replies. I am due to see him on Friday. I won't be seeing him
He still has no clue I know , sending me texts can't wait to see you baby ... 😠
What a fraud !
I have decide I will do the ghosting.
I'm acting all normal to him atm while I process however I'm feeling angry today I will not give him the satisfaction of seeing my tears
It is over
Ghosting from now

Also to all of you that have also been betrayed and hurt like this my heart goes out to you... it's hurrendous !

It is horrendous, avoid dating sites is my advice. Mostly players and predators these days. Not worth a second of your time.

For those of you asking this was a serious two year relationship. Exclusive. I'm all over his social media . Go out alot in public together. Met each other's families. All what I thought was green flags...😣 ughh he still doesn't know I know I am trying to be so strong here

Ahhh, @heartbrokenpoppy,I’m so sorry this has happened to you. I do think, as pp suggested, the minute you confront him with this (and I know you will try to ghost but I suspect you will eventually talk to him) he will claim his identity was stolen. I think it would be useful for your peace of mind to confirm the number this woman was receiving messages from, just so he can’t mess with your head and make you doubt yourself.

That’s shocking, I knew a couple I met them with mutual friends and they were telling me they were getting married. He must not have recognised me because I did not with him and swiped each other. I said I thought you were getting married? He said oh I just come here for an ego boost i swipe all women just to see who likes me. What a prince and such bullshit. He blocked me obviously freaking out i did not say anything as I did not know his wife to be but what a disgrace.

My heart really does go out to you. It’s going to hurt - for a while - so don’t rush anything. Just stay strong - I’m sure he’ll try to reach out, contact you, try to mend things - so you’re going to have to be resolute, keep reminding yourself he could do this after 2 years (and who knows what others you didn’t find out about?)
Just take some time out, some ‘me’ time, remind yourself you’re lucky you found out now.

Surely he’ll know because the other woman will have text him to say ‘wtf you have a girlfriend??’?

No she hasn't

Hi everyone thanks again for such lovely supportive msgs.
Here is an update
Jane has still not told him she knows. Jane asked me how she should play this out.
Jane and carrie and myself are all womens women so I expected this would be the case.
So the update is he is carrying on as usual msging me as normal. Loves me lots as normal. Misses me as normal
( is this psychotic? My mind is mashed )
He think him and Jane are meeting this thursday. At a pub for one drink then onto his for sex .She is keeping to the plan but will stand him up. I am ghosting from tomorrow. Completely ghost .

I haven't slept and I've eaten one bite of my dinner this evening. My adrenaline is pumping . I dint feel hungry or tired in the slightest . Jane sends all msgs to me between them . She is being much more distant since she found out towards him. He is just thinking with his d**ck! I feel so sick he was going to see me ( we would of had sex ) and then onto Jane on Thursday and then me again Friday. I feel so disgusted .
On a other note I feel I need to get tested for stis . Do I just ask the GP?

This is shocking

I will never trust again ever this has broken me

Or you turn up at the pub instead and dump him then and there, face to face. Two words 'you're dumped' and leave.
I feel for you but at least you found out what he's like before you'd married/kids etc.

I married one like that. It destroys you in the end.

My friend said I should do this

😫 the things he has written to her... omg I feel so sick

I wouldn’t do any of this. You’re just giving him chance to come back with some excuses or to grovel. You said before you were blocking him - surely that’s the best option. He knows what he has done but no amount of explaining will make things better for you. Don’t turn it into a drama, just ghost and move forwards. I mean this in the nicest possible way. Your friends might be keen to catch him out but this won’t hurt them like it will you. For your own emotional well-being, I don’t think it’s a good plan.

Don’t turn up, he may see you and leave before you see him. I’d send him a screenshot of some of the messages or his profile along with the message to never contact you again. He will know why and not get the chance to backpedal. Then block/delete/lock change/whatever you need to do to keep him out of your life.

You hold the cards. Don’t give him any control over this.

I think you and Jane should turn up together at the pub, Jane can say "Hey XXX I hope you don't mind, I brought my friend along!" See his face.

What a prick.

For your sake just block him now, start the process because this knowing and not drawing a line will drive you mad!
if you haven’t planned it already, get away somewhere this weekend too….
And the sti test? free by post here ( ask me how I know….)

www.sh24.org.uk

I would turn up in her place and dump him.

for your own sake, please ghost him. And get Jane to also ghost him. That hurts FAR more than you turning up to the pub. The exact same situation happened with my friend and she cut him out like he never existed. She never gave him a reason and it was the most empowering feeling she's ever felt. She never spoke to him again but she heard through the grapevine vine he was absolutely devastated and heartbroken. Made her feel pretty good! OP, cut your losses, block him and go NC, do not contact him. He doesn't deserve it and it'll only give him motive to create excuses as to why he was doing it. Even if it doesn't feel like it now, you feel be so grateful you did it.

Those things are fully a reflection on him, and not a reflection on you.

I must admit, I would let him know that you had seen all his conversations with Jane, and that you would never have a relationship with skank like him. Tell him to read the messages he was sending to her and you simultaneously, and to think about why both of you know there is something wrong in the head with him.
Then walk away knowing that you had dodged a bullet. He may lash out, but the reply is “as I say, there is something wrong in the head with you, I don’t care anymore, you’re just skank I wasted time on.”

I only found out after 3 kids and 20 years of marriage.

This.
As others have said /if you live separately
and have no DC together:
Grey rock him.
Block everywhere.
You do not owe him an explanation.
You do not have to educate him in where he went wrong (and thereby learn where he can avoid detection/be deceptive in future relationships)

Any communication with him will result in him trying to talk you round / put it all back on you.
This is the hardest time, but you will recover sooner with zero contact
I was devastated by a break up 2years ago (betrayal but different circumstances)
Thought I would never recover.
But silence really is more powerful -it bewilders him. He has reached out a few times and I’ve just resounded in a neutral way - eg yesterday completely out of the blue he messaged to ask if he could come on a boat trip he had heard I am organising!!
I could have replied with a load of venom about how devastated I was by how he treated me, but was more satisfying to message back re-framing his request with a simple anodyne ‘Hi, thanks for the offer but have managed to muster a full crew’
Which will have infuriated him as there is nothing to respond to or come back on.
But in the early days, blocking is the best way.
Please confide in a good friend- Jane and Carrie have really done you a good turn tho it doesn’t feel like it.
Good luck xx