DH has left me for a teenager

[User048261940582]

Just that really. My DH of 10 years has left me for a 19 year old girl who works in the local chip shop. He’s 36 and we have 2 children aged 7 and 3. How do I even begin to pick up the pieces? What do I tell the kids? I’m beyond broken and have laid catatonic in bed since I dropped the kids off at school/nursery this morning. Have a huge job interview next week for a promotion I’ve been working so hard towards.

I can't believe some posters are saying oh they're both legal age.
Absolutely disgusting.
If this was a 36 year old woman with kids leaving her husband for a 19 year old boy...sorry adult 🙄 then people would all be saying that is wrong. Its borderline pedophilia ffs.

It's not borderline anything. Paedophilia is pre pubescent children, so she'd have to be less than 12!

It's gross enough without making stuff up

This won't last. He's had a complete brain fart and is trying to relive his sixth form years all over again. Just focus on yourself and your children. Not the behavior of a responsible selfless man with two young children.

19 year old has had a mild flirtation with him. Doesn't want a relationship with an old man. He's only just realised that and is now wanting you to beg for him back so he doesn't have to take all the blame. You have no fighting to do, and don't you forget it. He has some unbelievable grovelling to do, but I couldn't take him back after this. So many layers of betrayal and disgusting behaviour. He has not cared one bit about you and his kids. He's cared about himself. You can do better.

Honestly, asking if you want to fight would take me from gutted and confused to angry. How dare he?

Be good to yourself. Literally ignore him. He's made his bed let him stew in it. Good luck with your interview. Hope you get it.

Yes it's ephebophilia. Which although grim, is actually normal. It's possible for anyone to potentially fancy anyone that's fully gone through puberty. Women too (just look at our obsession as a society, with highschool dramas).

But decent people don't leaving their families for 19 year olds. They recognise the power imbalance. They recognise they have nothing in common. They recognise it's icky to date someone young enough to be their child. We are socialised to be civil and use common sense and decency to dictate our choices. Its what separates us from the animals. But, clearly only some of us.

MN seems to have its own version of the law! Being unpleasant does not make something illegal.

"He’s messaging me asking if I love him and do I want to fight for my family."

This is emotionally manipulative and highly telling. HE is the one who fucked his family over. And yet here he is trying to make it your responsibility to fix and washing his hands of accountability. YOU do not need to fight for your family - you never let them down.

My guess is there's more to this and maybe a backstory of him being a narcissist. Absolutely not op. He's made his bed and you owe it to yourself and your kids to move on.

I am 6 months down the line in a slightly similar situation and the first few weeks were awful and I could barely function. But once I'd accepted what was happening I knew I needed to move myself and my son and I did really well in an interview and got the job, moved house, moved my entire life. You absolutely can do this, you just don't need to do it all now or have all the answers right now. Feel your feelings. I'd ask if it's possible to postpone the interview if its internal and your workplace are supportive. If not then op you have already been working for this, you have what it takes and a promotion means more money, more independence and a better life for you all without him.

You need to get an sti check for your own peace of mind, I did it via post which was less invasive. You're going to feel like you're a shell of yourself for a while but I promise it doesn't last forever. I'm doing really well now, I have a new home and new job and made more friends and ds is thriving. You don't need him. He's a creep. And I agree her family and friends will not want him for her, they'll try to warn her away and let's be honest the prospect of being a step mum and taking on two grieving kids is much less sexy than a no strings fling. He knows this and he's covering himself because he knows he's lost something good for nothing. Honestly take him for whatever you can to set yourself up in a new life. You're going to be just fine op.

I mean it's embarrassing on his part, never gonna come to anything, what a dick!

Re: ‘fighting for the family’. You haven’t done anything wrong. It’s him that should be fighting for you.

I doubt he will though. Sorry.

Fight for your family?

You'll be putting just as much effort into fighting for him as he did for you when he had his tongue down an 18/19 year old girls throat. Wasn't so bothered about losing his family then was he.

We know perfectly well why men sniff after young girls, but why do young girls get involved with much older men?

Our brains don't fully mature until mid twenties. The girl is still in late adolescent stage. We have a LOT of students near us and their behaviour and mindsets are definitely not adult. But they are all so beautiful. Bodies and skin not yet changed from childbearing and time. Experience not yet opening eyes to reality.

(So sad that so many of us don't realise or believe we were exquisite then, until years later and we see the photos.)

From when I was about twelve to uni age or so the posters my friends had on their walls were young pop stars. Mine were Starsky and Hutch, Alias Smith and Jones, Captain Kirk, Han Solo. All in their mid thirties. So the attraction is something I understand ( tho never actually got involved with ).

An older man paying her attention will be very different from the boys her age she knows. He'll seem sophisticated - and very attractive. And an adoring teen will make him feel younger, more attractive, less responsibility.

But the consequences, the reality of actually getting involved with a man at that stage and destroying a family?

It's possible she didn't even know about his family. Possible. They do lie ...

For him, maybe he's realised the huge change he's brought on himself.

From respected family man, status, nice home, wife & two lovely kids, domestic and financial life sorted, plus sexy secret bit on the side ...

To being the bad guy, the one who chucked it all away, living in his parents spare bedroom, being financially responsible for a home, life and kids he doesn't get to enjoy, and sexy secret bit on the side starts to represent losing all that and ... Somehow ... She and his wife are the ones responsible for it all going horribly wrong. The mental gymnastics can be quite something. Maybe he's already a bit fed up with teen-ness. Maybe she says 'like' every few words.

For her, hearing he's left his family for her has maybe caused a reaction.
Maybe her parents have intervened. Maybe his have.
Maybe her dad's 'had a word with him'. Maybe she's thought about having someone's dad trailing round after her at a loose end.
Realised she'll have to interact with two children who'll loathe her.
Suddenly not so attractive and exciting after all.

I'm worried op hasn't been back and I'm afraid she's going to forgive and take him back.

But she won't forget. It will always be there, like a stain. After the initial relief, a wary watchfulness, suspicion, and will probably be thrown in his face with every argument.

--

OP. If you are thinking of letting it go and having him back (his parents WILL be relieved), brushing it under the carpet and forgetting it ever happened will be very unwise.

Remember what you said in your first post about how horrible he'd been to you for quite a while?

Therapy and counselling at the very least.

Agree, a person is legally an adult at 18, and this young woman is 19 so while she is a very young adult she is an adult. The OP's idiot husband it trying to relive his youth through her, it is cringe worthy and won't end well but it is not illegal. She will be off as soon as it dawns on her how much baggage he has and how much all his stupidity in destroying his marriage is going to cost him.

Chippy girl lives with parents (I am willing to bet my husband's car :-) )
He is back at mum and dad's house

So he has realised he needs to fund a love nest flat, because remember "they are IN LOVE" with each other.

And it seems that true love doesn't really extend to a grubby studio flat rental and he would prefer to scurry back to his marital home, hopefully letting his wife take the blame for his eye straying, because really if she was a better wife none of this would have happened. And everyone can forget about all of this mistaken affair. He might even promise not to get fish and chips for a couple of months if thankful wife is suitably apologetic.

Muster all your courage to do what this op suggests. You sound to be doing very well in life and I would wager money that the bastard is resentful of that and that this is an attempt to bring you down a peg or two. All strength and best wishes to you and your children.

Or maybe just bin off the 36 year old man having an affair with a teenager

In fairness, we know very little about this young woman, apart from she is 19 and works in the chippy. Part of her job is to be pleasant to the people coming in to buy chips - it’s possible that he thinks she is far more interested than she is.

It’s also possible that he’s told her that he’s separated but still living in the family house.

Even if she does know that he is married, is it really up to this very young woman to police the morals of much older men? I expect that she isn’t going to want to stick around - there are fun, hot, young guys to go out with.

Honestly? If this was my daughter, I would be extremely angry with the person who contacted me. It wouldn’t be my or my daughter’s responsibility to keep someone else’s marriage going.

I would recommend that my daughter have nothing to do with him - mainly because he doesn’t have a lot going for him. But I would consider him his wife’s problem and say so.

Why is it that when men do stupid bloody things that it becomes the responsibility of a woman?

I vote for option number two "bin him". If he comes back it's going to be all about him as he will expect op to up her game when she has better things to do - like concentrate on the children and on getting the promotion.

No, you don’t want to fight for a cheater or a creep who wants to romance and sleep with a teenager.

You immediately apply for child support and let him figure his own shit out.

@User048261940582, how is it going today?

Hope op is ok as she hasn't commented since yesterday lunchtime . Good luck with the interview and I hope you have people around you in real life that you are getting support from .

Omg.

Yes op, lots of luck with the promotion.
Hope you're OK.

I really cannot see this lasting. I expect the teenager will find someone nearer her own age. It is a big age gap.

And is having an alleged 'emotional' affair with a married man, so she is either extremely naïve in believing his bullshit of she is a homewrecker, most likely the latter.

'possible that he thinks she is far more interested than she is.' They have professed to love one another.

Not for her to police his morals or him to police hers. She could avoid trying to hook up with a bloke who still lives with his wife and kids though.