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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Read Husbands messages & now devastated

516 replies

Hummusandcrisps · 21/04/2025 07:08

I have been planning a milestone birthday celebration for DH and went on his phone to get some of the numbers of his friends I wanted to invite. When I opened up his whatsapp chat group with his mates I was horrified to find some awful messages about me.

What I read was along the lines of "I'm stuck in a miserable marriage, i wish I could have an affair, but she will take all my money & I wouldn't have anywhere to live or have anyone over, she can keep my son, I just want to keep my money". His friends are complicit in their replies "describing it as a lose lose situation". Another one has said "it wouldn't be so bad if you split up". There's lots of messages about "hot mum friends" and referencing other women and their appearance and romanticising about ex girlfriends, referring to a sliding doors moment and then ending up with me. There's a picture he's taken of a girl he's seen in public and references like she's so hot. It's all really demeaning and disrespectful to me. Once I saw these messages, I went looking for others and I know it was wrong to look but I did. I found messages to friends where DH has lied about me, made up things I've supposedly said, to make me look bad. I've been a SAHM for 5 years and he complains about me not contributing financially to his friends, implies I'm lazy, useless and never do anything etc. I think the hardest part is seeing all his friends complicit in it. There's a level of contempt towards me. It's clear he doesn't see us as equal partners, doesn't value my contribution at home. It's also frustrating because alot of what he's said isn't true. He's controlling a narrative about me which isn't true. I've sat on it for 3 weeks whilst I make a plan to leave. I don't think there's any coming back from this. I haven't confronted him because I know I shouldn't have looked at his phone.

OP posts:
EdithBond · 21/04/2025 09:59

Blimey. You’ve coped with so much. You sound incredibly strong ❤️

You’re doing everything right. Take time to process, consider options and make a plan to move forward. Don’t worry if you have wobbly days. You’re going through a transformation. Chrysalis phase.

What’s your ideal? If moving back to UK, could living near your family work for you and your DS? How well do you get on with them? Do you have good friends there too? It may help DS to feel more embedded in an extended family. He’ll get a better understanding of who you are, which may help him feel centred and safe. Plus, it’ll give you support to start your life afresh. Your DH should understand that.

I’d start with your ideal, then work towards it. Don’t give away to DH what you know. Plan your own safe and secure life. In every sense, emotionally, financially etc.

Re the party. Go ahead if you can. Head held high. IMHO don’t make a speech that you may think is subtle, but might give the game away or make you look silly or vindictive. Be gracious and charming to his weak friends, who don’t challenge his disrespect. They know jack shit about your life as a family. Remember, you’ve nothing to be ashamed of. You’ve been accommodating, supportive, loyal, reasonable, kind. Sure, you saw the WhatsApps but only when looking for numbers for a lovely surprise party. If your DH was the healthy, appreciative and loving DH you expected you wouldn’t have found anything bad.

Your trust has been betrayed. So, now the only sensible thing is to do what’s best for you and your DS.

Pipsquiggle · 21/04/2025 10:00

I think going along with the party and making a plan for yourself is the best way forward.

Him and his mates just sound awful. Putting people down to make themselves feel better is just playground stuff; add to the mix plain old misogyny - it's vile.

You cannot fix his mental health. It sounds like you have been incredibly supportive. Make sure you are not being a crutch. I am hoping he is getting medical support from professionals

FeatherDawn · 21/04/2025 10:00

curious79 · 21/04/2025 07:15

If you are a SAHM please now look for work. The law provides for reasonable needs but not (as some people think) to ‘live the life you’ve become accustomed to’

given he’s worried about money, he’ll probably use that as a weapon. Use the quiet time now to make copies of pension documents, bank account details etc etc

if you can, put aside small cash amounts. I did that for c6 months while planning divorce and had a stash of £5k to fall back on. Was very needed at points.

Agree
I read here of a woman who bought herself and children all the essentials they would need.
Hired a storage locker and quietly filled it as they knew their DH planned to hide money
Ditto vouchers and cash back at the supermarket
He has handed you a massive advantage here Op
Take it and get those ducks in a row.

Here4thechocs · 21/04/2025 10:02

This right here , is the ultimate betrayal. As bad as affairs are, this tops it for me. Laying next to this sort of person every night, eyes closed: one with thoughts as this towards their partner , moreso , making up stories, just so they look like the victim. It’s heartbreaking.
I doubt you’d ever be able to move past it. I’m sorry, OP

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 21/04/2025 10:02

Get some legal advice from both a local family lawyer and a UK based one, OP.

If you and your husband are both British you should be able to divorce in the country where you live on the basis that you are both resident there or in the UK on the basis that you are both British citizens.

When there is a choice of two possible jurisdictions, the person who initiates divorce proceedings first gets to choose where the couple gets divorced. So it's really important for you to get advice in both countries, decide which one is more beneficial to you, and then start divorce proceedings in that country. You must be the one to start them.

Continue to act as though everything is normal and do not let your husband get wind of this until you are ready.

WhyCantIGetItTogether · 21/04/2025 10:02

GeorgianaM · 21/04/2025 07:24

Never admit to seeing the messages on his phone. When you do split up you can say that one of his friends gave you the heads up about the lies he's been telling them all and they decided you should know and you won't disclose the friend as a way of thanking himself

That way he won't trust his friends and they'll all turn on each other and hopefully stop encouraging each other to treat their wives badly and to encourage cheating etc.

This is brilliant!

scoobysnaxx · 21/04/2025 10:04

Pandoralavella · 21/04/2025 09:33

You’re getting done absolutely terrible advice here imo.

There’s a child involved. You don’t give up on a family at the drop of a hat.

You’ve now got an amazing opportunity to turn your relationship completely around, because you have an insight into your husband’s innermost frustrations and desires.

Many people don’t get this chance, and when the relationship withers away to nothing and their lives are turned upside down they are left dumbstruck.

If you still love him, be as honest as you can be with yourself about the things you could improve.

For example, if he has asked you to find work, then find work. The stress of being the sole financial provider, particularly these days, is no joke. If he’s feeling bored in the relationship, then do some soul searching.

Approach his frustrations with kindness, openness, and genuine curiosity. His private conversations will be exaggerations. They are childish. Still, some part of him feels unloved or unappreciated. Some part of him feels bored.

It’s not all on you, but someone has to be the bigger person and make the first move to improve a situation. Later, it will start being reciprocal.

Don’t direct your energy into feeling sorry for yourself. Direct it instead into making improvements.

Give it a year of solid, earnest effort. Then re-evaluate. Or, if you know deep down that you’ve already done all of this to no avail, then - and only then - it might be time to go.

Edited

Seriously? How can you encourage a woman to stay in this scenario?
Things he had said about her?!
And saying she can have their son, he just wants his money - Unforgivable.

how on earth do you arrive at the conclusion that this is workable??? disgusting.

WorthyOtter · 21/04/2025 10:04

This is awful! So sorry you had to go through this. But you really should confront him, especially if you are planning to leave! You really need answers or this will drive you crazy. As wrong as it was to go through his phone, he was more wrong in doing this

thepariscrimefiles · 21/04/2025 10:05

Pandoralavella · 21/04/2025 09:33

You’re getting done absolutely terrible advice here imo.

There’s a child involved. You don’t give up on a family at the drop of a hat.

You’ve now got an amazing opportunity to turn your relationship completely around, because you have an insight into your husband’s innermost frustrations and desires.

Many people don’t get this chance, and when the relationship withers away to nothing and their lives are turned upside down they are left dumbstruck.

If you still love him, be as honest as you can be with yourself about the things you could improve.

For example, if he has asked you to find work, then find work. The stress of being the sole financial provider, particularly these days, is no joke. If he’s feeling bored in the relationship, then do some soul searching.

Approach his frustrations with kindness, openness, and genuine curiosity. His private conversations will be exaggerations. They are childish. Still, some part of him feels unloved or unappreciated. Some part of him feels bored.

It’s not all on you, but someone has to be the bigger person and make the first move to improve a situation. Later, it will start being reciprocal.

Don’t direct your energy into feeling sorry for yourself. Direct it instead into making improvements.

Give it a year of solid, earnest effort. Then re-evaluate. Or, if you know deep down that you’ve already done all of this to no avail, then - and only then - it might be time to go.

Edited

I've never read such bad advice on here. You are completely minimising OP's DH's hideous behaviour. He's mocking her in a group chat with his juvenile mates. He's actually said he cares more about getting money than his own child. He is perving on other women. He is depressed and takes to his bed for days. He can't parents his autistic child. He has been sacked for gross misconduct. And you think that OP needs to stop feeling sorry for herself and work to save her marriage? That OP needs to do all the work?

This is either a piss take or you have no moral compass at all. You are siding with the abusive husband and scolding the abused wife. Your post makes me feel sick.

EdithBond · 21/04/2025 10:05

WhyCantIGetItTogether · 21/04/2025 10:02

This is brilliant!

Show quote history

Agree. @GeorgianaM must be very good at chess.

Shmee1988 · 21/04/2025 10:08

Hummusandcrisps · 21/04/2025 07:17

For context, I've been a SAHM for 5 years since DS was born and mainly due to moving abroad when I was pregnant for DH job to a location where my career doesn't exist. Also partly because DH has suffered with severe mental health problems (depression) that resulted in him being hospitalised for 6 weeks & off work for 4 months when DS was 1. He still is depressed but it's managed through medication but he has relapses now and again, stays in bed all day etc. Also I haven't worked partly due to the lack of childcare until DS started preschool last September. During that time I Iearnt the local language, passed the language test, went back to uni & retrained & now I'm working again, soon to be full time. DS is autistic too (high functioning) and really difficult to manage. He won't go anywhere with DH without me - school, park. He only wants to be around me so it's alot.
I just feel so down about it all. Like I've been holding alot for such a long time at home and this feels like the biggest betrayal. It's so personal. My confidence has been really low for a while and I was really excited and proud to have found a good job in a tough jobs market and I just feel like he's diminished me and made me feel worthless and then all of his friends have jumped in and collectively agreed being with me must be the worst option.

So, if you are the one that your son feels safe with, you've learned the language, have skills and a great new job, what exactly do you need this man for? What does he bring to the table? You sound fantastic and can clearly manage by yourself. I'm sure it's not going to be easy but I get the impression you'll be fine and much better off without him. In your position I think I'd leave. Let him keep his money and his house, take my kid and start fresh. It'll be tricky to start with but I'd not be able to give him the satisfaction of being 'right' by taking him for every penny. Out of pride. Good luck, OP! I'm in awesome of you, managing to stay and stay quiet this long.

PhillippaP · 21/04/2025 10:08

So sorry, OP but I am very glad that you have discovered this. Your husband will have been being abusive to you in many ways; you will have been walking on egg shells for a while. My ex did something scarily similar - once I was the perfect wife; then wasn’t and he spent a lot of time without my knowing painting me in a negative light. I too was raising our young children. I have cards stating to my ‘perfect wife’ then in the next breath, he would have been criticising everything about me. My ex then had an affair with a married woman in work and I was told by another colleague who was horrified. Eventually I was able to escape but I was completely lost for a while. Some of my ex’s friends were also very dismissive of women and would have shared photographs of women etc; my ex always portrayed himself as above this bit he wasn’t. His behaviour now extends to our children and I have to do a lot of bolstering to home so their confidence can withstand it. Sending strength to you too.

WhyCantIGetItTogether · 21/04/2025 10:10

scoobysnaxx · 21/04/2025 10:04

Seriously? How can you encourage a woman to stay in this scenario?
Things he had said about her?!
And saying she can have their son, he just wants his money - Unforgivable.

how on earth do you arrive at the conclusion that this is workable??? disgusting.

Show quote history

Unbelievably bad advice. You can’t unsee what you’ve seen.

Calliopespa · 21/04/2025 10:12

Here4thechocs · 21/04/2025 09:59

Please don’t do this. You’d just make him appear right about you. It’s awful & the ultimate betrayal but please , don’t do this.

Show quote history

And this is someone’s life/marriage, not a tacky tv series.

Original poster
Hummusandcrisps · 21/04/2025 10:14

@Here4thechocs I think that's the stinger too. It's not a one off, heat of the moment. It's a consistent pattern of cruelty and betrayal and its the thought of him and all his friends (that I barely know) mocking me and making a fool out of me after everything I've done for him and our family.

OP posts:
femfemlicious · 21/04/2025 10:14

GeorgianaM · 21/04/2025 07:24

Never admit to seeing the messages on his phone. When you do split up you can say that one of his friends gave you the heads up about the lies he's been telling them all and they decided you should know and you won't disclose the friend as a way of thanking himself

That way he won't trust his friends and they'll all turn on each other and hopefully stop encouraging each other to treat their wives badly and to encourage cheating etc.

I like this...very machiavellian😁. @Hummusandcrisps do THIS!

WhyDoYouThink · 21/04/2025 10:19

Sounds like you've got this OP!
You are behaving with dignity and courage in the face of some appalling behaviour from your stbxp, well done.
It is hard when Someone has written an untrue narrative about you to other people but there is very little you can control about it other than your own behaviour. Try not to give the messages too much headspace and put your energy instead into creating a fabulous new life for yourself. Start to build new connections and routines, what do you want your future life to look like?

It is going to be difficult for a while of course and you need to be gentle with yourself and take time to process what has happened and grieve the loss of your relationship. But I suspect you will find moving forward a lot of things are much easier without him around sapping your energy.

Hwi · 21/04/2025 10:20

You have to leave, there is no coming back from it. I think it is much worse than having an affair, this is a massive betrayal.

Nanny0gg · 21/04/2025 10:21

Hummusandcrisps · 21/04/2025 07:56

I think i have all the financial paperwork from his tax return and i needed it recently for something else. I have no doubt that he will be really difficult about it all. But I'm keeping my cards close to my chest whilst I make a plan.

I read in one of his messages that he agreed he'd be more miserable alone than with me. Still didn't inspire him to be less cruel. These messages are not a one off either, it's a pattern of betrayal and cruelty. That's what stings.

So are you returning to the UK for a bit or is everyone flying over to you?

Calliopespa · 21/04/2025 10:21

At least you know now.

And I don’t mean that flippantly.

Conkersinautumn · 21/04/2025 10:24

Well, no wonder his depression is destroying him. Based on those messages he places a very significant amount t of worth on a person's job, as their income to him being their literal value. Now he's crumbling, unemployed, dependent on you who has outshone him at caring for a child, personal development and now you're also getting the things he values. You say he feels he needs to 'win' no wonder he's hanging on for a mother chance with you. It's taken the destruction of his self.worth to realise you've far more depth and strength of will than he has. Live your life, get the millstone he described you as from around your neck as he's been hugely projecting. Be honest with him, tell him you don't even judge him by his own standards but you can't respect that he's belittled and mocked someone who did nothing but support him. He's broken your trust, shown himself to be selfish and only interested in outward evidence of success. He's unappealing because he's not there for you and your son, not the partner you deserve. He's got nothing to give but snidey put downs behind your back. He's a weak shallow coward.

Kisskiss · 21/04/2025 10:26

Hummusandcrisps · 21/04/2025 07:51

@BitOutOfPractice no he got fired 5 months ago but he has found a new job starting next month but it's half the salary so I think alot of his anger is stemming from there. Even he can't find a local job because it's incredibly difficult, so he's taking a remote one.

I'm dreading the birthday party. He complained I hadn't got him a birthday present so I explained the party and all the stuff that gone into it, collective present (me and his friends) was his present, given that it costs alot to organise (in UK) and neither of us have been working so money has been tight. I just think it's that realisation now that whatever I do will never be enough and I just need to get out and move on.
Also his friends from the messages will be there. I haven't seen them for years so their responses are all the more hurtful. I want to keep my head held high, so no slideshow. But I might make a toast. One that makes them feel a bit uncomfortable and I will be cold towards them. Ironically the one friends wife has just left him so that speaks volumes. The other friend has never had a girlfriend. So maybe they are all just misogynistic pigs.

I don’t think you should make a toast that will ‘make them feel a bit uncomfortable’. Either you go ahead and be a hell of an actress and all sweetness and light ( and that will probably make them uncomfortable given they have been slating you off)
or, just cancel the party totally. You don’t have to do anything for this man who doesn’t value you and treats you with contempt. He’s got a narrative in his head that you know is false, there’s no point doing anything more for him. Protect yourself and your son

Stuffnfluff · 21/04/2025 10:26

You don't have to worry about looking at his phone. You need to feel most angry at him not his pathetic 'friends'. He's a scumbag and you need to start your life again. Being a SAHM is a huge contribution to the household. He is a nasty shit. I hope you are feeling ok and not too overwhelmed. You need all your strength. You can do it, get away from him and build the life you want with your kids. Take care.

WakingUpToReality · 21/04/2025 10:26

So, taking everything into consideration, one of his main complaints was lack of sex? After everything you have done for him, everything you have accomplished, all the challenges you faced, that is what he reduces you to? They really do start to hate us don’t they, when we don’t keep “putting out” over the years. That’s our true value to them, it would seem. I know, I know, NAMALT.

justasking111 · 21/04/2025 10:26

He was sacked for gross misconduct and his friends still back him. They're all being misinformed or are terminally stupid