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Original poster

Read Husbands messages & now devastated

516 replies

Hummusandcrisps · 21/04/2025 07:08

I have been planning a milestone birthday celebration for DH and went on his phone to get some of the numbers of his friends I wanted to invite. When I opened up his whatsapp chat group with his mates I was horrified to find some awful messages about me.

What I read was along the lines of "I'm stuck in a miserable marriage, i wish I could have an affair, but she will take all my money & I wouldn't have anywhere to live or have anyone over, she can keep my son, I just want to keep my money". His friends are complicit in their replies "describing it as a lose lose situation". Another one has said "it wouldn't be so bad if you split up". There's lots of messages about "hot mum friends" and referencing other women and their appearance and romanticising about ex girlfriends, referring to a sliding doors moment and then ending up with me. There's a picture he's taken of a girl he's seen in public and references like she's so hot. It's all really demeaning and disrespectful to me. Once I saw these messages, I went looking for others and I know it was wrong to look but I did. I found messages to friends where DH has lied about me, made up things I've supposedly said, to make me look bad. I've been a SAHM for 5 years and he complains about me not contributing financially to his friends, implies I'm lazy, useless and never do anything etc. I think the hardest part is seeing all his friends complicit in it. There's a level of contempt towards me. It's clear he doesn't see us as equal partners, doesn't value my contribution at home. It's also frustrating because alot of what he's said isn't true. He's controlling a narrative about me which isn't true. I've sat on it for 3 weeks whilst I make a plan to leave. I don't think there's any coming back from this. I haven't confronted him because I know I shouldn't have looked at his phone.

OP posts:
IstayhomeonFridaynight · 21/04/2025 10:27

You are incredibly strong and impressive and he is pathetic and self-indulgent, with really horrible friends.

Fushia123 · 21/04/2025 10:31

You sound strong and capable and have been terribly let down. If your son is happy in school that is a good starting point as to what to do next. It will be very important for him to be in a familiar and secure environment.
Plan to leave, just as you would be doing if you were in the UK. Find somewhere to rent for 6 months - somewhere convenient for DS school and your work. You choose where - you are free to enjoy making that choice now.
Get some advice from solicitors and get on with leaving as soon as you can - in your own time, when it suits you.
Tell him that you have given him all you can but now you’ve decided that you need a different life path for you and your DS. In 6 months time you can make decisions about what to do next. Your head will be in a more relaxed and easy space.
I would cancel the party - it’s just not worth the emotional and financial cost and would not be enjoyable for anyone.

LivingLaVidaBabyShower · 21/04/2025 10:31

It's already been said but you sound incredibly capable, strong, resilient and determined.

He...doesnt.
He dragged you to a new country and got fired within 6m and is now earning 50% less while taking himself off to bed for a 4 days a week and forcing you manage not only everything in the home but also his emotional bullshit.

AprilMadness · 21/04/2025 10:31

Alucard55 · 21/04/2025 08:30

I think you should be lovely and warm and friendly at the party. Don't give him anything so he can say to his friends "see I told you she was like that".

Genuinely why should she care what his friends think? People are so worried about what other people think, who cares?

But on another note, bugger organising and going to the party! Why?

Blink53368865 · 21/04/2025 10:33

Don't organise his birthday. Stay in bed instead and see how he likes it

Calliopespa · 21/04/2025 10:34

Kisskiss · 21/04/2025 10:26

I don’t think you should make a toast that will ‘make them feel a bit uncomfortable’. Either you go ahead and be a hell of an actress and all sweetness and light ( and that will probably make them uncomfortable given they have been slating you off)
or, just cancel the party totally. You don’t have to do anything for this man who doesn’t value you and treats you with contempt. He’s got a narrative in his head that you know is false, there’s no point doing anything more for him. Protect yourself and your son

Show quote history

I think don’t do the party.

And don’t do snide put downs or ambush reveals.

Just move on with dignity. He and his lightweight mates are beneath you and behind you now.

SlightlyJaded · 21/04/2025 10:37

It's so obvious that when all the hurt and logistics of leaving are behind you, he will fall into a self-inflicted slump of 'poor me' whilst you will soar and thrive. It's just so clear who you are from your few short posts.

I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but this is a blessing. I am excited for your new life without him. You've got this.

Tassys · 21/04/2025 10:39

GeorgianaM · 21/04/2025 07:24

Never admit to seeing the messages on his phone. When you do split up you can say that one of his friends gave you the heads up about the lies he's been telling them all and they decided you should know and you won't disclose the friend as a way of thanking himself

That way he won't trust his friends and they'll all turn on each other and hopefully stop encouraging each other to treat their wives badly and to encourage cheating etc.

What a horrible loser he is.
Well done for keeping your moves close to your chest.

Once you have the job🤞
In your place I would stop making any effort whatsoever with or for him.
Stop doing anything for him.
Look up grey rock and do this.
No engagement.
You want him to leave this marriage, stop giving him cause to stay.
I would cancel the party.
Nothing to be gained by trying to convince his piggy friends you are nice.
Screw that.
Czncel and save your money.

All communications through text if you can, and note carefully that he does nothing with or for his son.
Those texts where he said he only cares about money and you can have his child will support this.

I would wait till you are out of this situation and tell him you were sent copies of the WhatsApp group texts anonymously, so everyone he associates is under a cloud and he cannot try to get you to tell who, as you do not know.

Send those WhatsApp messages to his family as explanation for your divorce.
No futher explanation required.

Stay strong. You are amazing.
This is awful, but better to know what a user prick he really is.

jenrobin · 21/04/2025 10:41

Hummusandcrisps · 21/04/2025 07:08

I have been planning a milestone birthday celebration for DH and went on his phone to get some of the numbers of his friends I wanted to invite. When I opened up his whatsapp chat group with his mates I was horrified to find some awful messages about me.

What I read was along the lines of "I'm stuck in a miserable marriage, i wish I could have an affair, but she will take all my money & I wouldn't have anywhere to live or have anyone over, she can keep my son, I just want to keep my money". His friends are complicit in their replies "describing it as a lose lose situation". Another one has said "it wouldn't be so bad if you split up". There's lots of messages about "hot mum friends" and referencing other women and their appearance and romanticising about ex girlfriends, referring to a sliding doors moment and then ending up with me. There's a picture he's taken of a girl he's seen in public and references like she's so hot. It's all really demeaning and disrespectful to me. Once I saw these messages, I went looking for others and I know it was wrong to look but I did. I found messages to friends where DH has lied about me, made up things I've supposedly said, to make me look bad. I've been a SAHM for 5 years and he complains about me not contributing financially to his friends, implies I'm lazy, useless and never do anything etc. I think the hardest part is seeing all his friends complicit in it. There's a level of contempt towards me. It's clear he doesn't see us as equal partners, doesn't value my contribution at home. It's also frustrating because alot of what he's said isn't true. He's controlling a narrative about me which isn't true. I've sat on it for 3 weeks whilst I make a plan to leave. I don't think there's any coming back from this. I haven't confronted him because I know I shouldn't have looked at his phone.

I just want to tackle this "I shouldn't have looked at his phone" business. You've done absolutely nothing except be a lovely and trusting partner. People shouldn't feel surveilled or spied on in a marriage, but there really is no such thing as absolute privacy in a marriage either. It's a game of very close quarters and you're going to get a peek behind the Wizard of Oz's curtain eventually; you'll see the man behind the myth whether you intend to or not. I struggled with this when I discovered my partner cheating on me; was it wrong to see things I clearly wasn't supposed to see? Or should I have been looking earlier, before I wasted so much time? A very wise friend likened privacy in marriage to shutting the toilet door - you know what's going on on the other side, but you give your partner the courtesy of privacy when they want it. That doesn't mean that the door won't ever get opened sometimes; sometimes it happens accidentally like with you, or sometimes there's clearly something wrong and you need to open it to make sure everything is okay. TLDR, don't feel you have to reveal anything about what you read while you get your ducks in a row, but I wouldn't feel bad about admitting this either. A loving partner would simply feel bad that you saw something so heartbreaking and hurtful. If he acts like he feels entitled to stab you in the back, that's telling.

Over40Overdating · 21/04/2025 10:42

Are you as tapped about everything in life @Pandoralavella or just situations where you think women should debase themselves for the sake of the egos of waste of space men babies?

Or are you this specimen’s mother who doesn’t want him back in her back bedroom asking to be coddled and arsewiped?

On the off chance you are serious, people like you are the reason men like this feel so emboldened to be sub standard partners, parents and humans. If you can’t raise your own bar from hell, at least have the decency to be quiet about it.

GreenIsMyFavoriteColour · 21/04/2025 10:47

Hummusandcrisps · 21/04/2025 07:08

I have been planning a milestone birthday celebration for DH and went on his phone to get some of the numbers of his friends I wanted to invite. When I opened up his whatsapp chat group with his mates I was horrified to find some awful messages about me.

What I read was along the lines of "I'm stuck in a miserable marriage, i wish I could have an affair, but she will take all my money & I wouldn't have anywhere to live or have anyone over, she can keep my son, I just want to keep my money". His friends are complicit in their replies "describing it as a lose lose situation". Another one has said "it wouldn't be so bad if you split up". There's lots of messages about "hot mum friends" and referencing other women and their appearance and romanticising about ex girlfriends, referring to a sliding doors moment and then ending up with me. There's a picture he's taken of a girl he's seen in public and references like she's so hot. It's all really demeaning and disrespectful to me. Once I saw these messages, I went looking for others and I know it was wrong to look but I did. I found messages to friends where DH has lied about me, made up things I've supposedly said, to make me look bad. I've been a SAHM for 5 years and he complains about me not contributing financially to his friends, implies I'm lazy, useless and never do anything etc. I think the hardest part is seeing all his friends complicit in it. There's a level of contempt towards me. It's clear he doesn't see us as equal partners, doesn't value my contribution at home. It's also frustrating because alot of what he's said isn't true. He's controlling a narrative about me which isn't true. I've sat on it for 3 weeks whilst I make a plan to leave. I don't think there's any coming back from this. I haven't confronted him because I know I shouldn't have looked at his phone.

Sounds like his main problem would be solved by you going back to work.

If you split up you'll be doing that anyway.

PooksBear · 21/04/2025 10:49

wordywitch · 21/04/2025 07:12

That is genius!

Show quote history

For Gods sake, this is not a film. Its somebodies life! Put yourself in thier position

Purplecatshopaholic · 21/04/2025 10:51

Oh op, I’m so sorry. Nothing to add, just an unmumsnetty hug. Get rid and move on, and feel your self esteem and happiness rise.
PS I wouldn’t do the party either if it was me. That level of acting ability would probably be too much for one, and he really doesn’t deserve it anyway. He already hates and resents you, you are everything capable and positive that he isn’t.

Mumoftwojune · 21/04/2025 10:52

This is awful but could it be male bravado? Showing off with his mates etc. I mean, it does seem extreme but worth considering.

QuantumPanic · 21/04/2025 10:52

GeorgianaM · 21/04/2025 07:24

Never admit to seeing the messages on his phone. When you do split up you can say that one of his friends gave you the heads up about the lies he's been telling them all and they decided you should know and you won't disclose the friend as a way of thanking himself

That way he won't trust his friends and they'll all turn on each other and hopefully stop encouraging each other to treat their wives badly and to encourage cheating etc.

Brilliant.

Mumoftwojune · 21/04/2025 10:54

Just to add to my previous message, if you are done after this I would personally say nothing and plan for your future whilst living in the marital home. Get a job, save some money, get yourself sorted financially first.

NewsdeskJC · 21/04/2025 10:56

You sound focused and determined. Thank god your child has you as a parent.
If your child is settled in a good school you are the best judge about how to navigate in your child's best interests.
The only thing I would chime in, and I'm sure you already have it covered, is don't make any plan based on ongoing child support from the soon to be ex.
It sounds like he has no desire to support him and it's really hard to make him.
Dig your heels in on property or savings but don't count on one penny after that's done.

Hoppinggreen · 21/04/2025 10:56

You sound pretty awesome OP, you have done so much that you can sure as Hell dump this arsehole as well.
It was a horrible way to find out how he really feels and while he was probably going over the top to show off to his mates like some moronic teenager you can't come back from that.

Bunny2607 · 21/04/2025 11:04

march654 · 21/04/2025 07:11

I would arrange the party and have a slideshow showing all the quotes from his messages on a big screen in front of his friends and their wives. Would be amazing. What an absolutely disgusting man.

100%! I was going to say this myself. Get your ducks in order and humiliate him.

Comtesse · 21/04/2025 11:04

Pandoralavella · 21/04/2025 09:33

You’re getting done absolutely terrible advice here imo.

There’s a child involved. You don’t give up on a family at the drop of a hat.

You’ve now got an amazing opportunity to turn your relationship completely around, because you have an insight into your husband’s innermost frustrations and desires.

Many people don’t get this chance, and when the relationship withers away to nothing and their lives are turned upside down they are left dumbstruck.

If you still love him, be as honest as you can be with yourself about the things you could improve.

For example, if he has asked you to find work, then find work. The stress of being the sole financial provider, particularly these days, is no joke. If he’s feeling bored in the relationship, then do some soul searching.

Approach his frustrations with kindness, openness, and genuine curiosity. His private conversations will be exaggerations. They are childish. Still, some part of him feels unloved or unappreciated. Some part of him feels bored.

It’s not all on you, but someone has to be the bigger person and make the first move to improve a situation. Later, it will start being reciprocal.

Don’t direct your energy into feeling sorry for yourself. Direct it instead into making improvements.

Give it a year of solid, earnest effort. Then re-evaluate. Or, if you know deep down that you’ve already done all of this to no avail, then - and only then - it might be time to go.

Edited

Try reading OP’s posts. She has now found work but the husband lost his job.

WhistPie · 21/04/2025 11:09

GreenIsMyFavoriteColour · 21/04/2025 10:47

Sounds like his main problem would be solved by you going back to work.

If you split up you'll be doing that anyway.

Show quote history

She's already working, unlike him.
Are you unable to read her posts? Or do you have a problem with comprehension?

RedhairDL · 21/04/2025 11:09

He sounds horrible. Personally, I’d cancel the party and tell him you’re leaving. It doesn’t sound like he’s got that much money to worry about losing anyway, and it sounds like you are pretty much doing everything.

I couldn’t bide my time with this one. He’s disrespectful, cruel and a bad role model for your son.

I couldn’t care less what his friends thought or said about me, they sound horrible too and I couldn’t lose sleep over horrible people not liking me.

For me, I’d happily cancel his birthday, tell him after reading his messages I was going to give him the biggest present he could ever wish for and leave him to rot in bed alone… and I’d be looking for a place pronto. If fact, I’d positively enjoy cancelling his party. Let his friends organise it.

His mental health is clearly a big problem and probably will always be a big problem. You can’t fix it and you’ll always be blamed no matter how hard you try. I’m sorry you’ve been lumbered with such a huge disappointment.

UmberSquid · 21/04/2025 11:11

If you want to move back to the UK your best bet might be just doing it without telling him. As it’s your home country and he doesn’t have an established career where you are I think it would be hard for him to argue for extradition to the other country. Speak to a solicitor asap for the correct information on this.

RedhairDL · 21/04/2025 11:13

Pandoralavella · 21/04/2025 09:33

You’re getting done absolutely terrible advice here imo.

There’s a child involved. You don’t give up on a family at the drop of a hat.

You’ve now got an amazing opportunity to turn your relationship completely around, because you have an insight into your husband’s innermost frustrations and desires.

Many people don’t get this chance, and when the relationship withers away to nothing and their lives are turned upside down they are left dumbstruck.

If you still love him, be as honest as you can be with yourself about the things you could improve.

For example, if he has asked you to find work, then find work. The stress of being the sole financial provider, particularly these days, is no joke. If he’s feeling bored in the relationship, then do some soul searching.

Approach his frustrations with kindness, openness, and genuine curiosity. His private conversations will be exaggerations. They are childish. Still, some part of him feels unloved or unappreciated. Some part of him feels bored.

It’s not all on you, but someone has to be the bigger person and make the first move to improve a situation. Later, it will start being reciprocal.

Don’t direct your energy into feeling sorry for yourself. Direct it instead into making improvements.

Give it a year of solid, earnest effort. Then re-evaluate. Or, if you know deep down that you’ve already done all of this to no avail, then - and only then - it might be time to go.

Edited

Oh and this is about the worst advice I’ve heard.

What a waste of a year you’re advocating for.

DorsetMumTo3 · 21/04/2025 11:13

I’m soo sorry you’re going through this. It sounds eerily similar to what I went through a year ago (saw my ex husbands WhatsApp Group chats with his mates and couldn’t look at him or his friends the same again). I’m in the process of divorce because I just can’t live with someone that secretly embarrasses and disrespects me like that, and has friends that do the same to their wives - “birds of a feather” and all that. I hope you have some type of support from friends and family at this time. I have maybe one person I can talk to during this time that I trust… but it is really difficult navigating this time alone. Please reach out if you need a chat 😊