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Original poster

Read Husbands messages & now devastated

516 replies

Hummusandcrisps · 21/04/2025 07:08

I have been planning a milestone birthday celebration for DH and went on his phone to get some of the numbers of his friends I wanted to invite. When I opened up his whatsapp chat group with his mates I was horrified to find some awful messages about me.

What I read was along the lines of "I'm stuck in a miserable marriage, i wish I could have an affair, but she will take all my money & I wouldn't have anywhere to live or have anyone over, she can keep my son, I just want to keep my money". His friends are complicit in their replies "describing it as a lose lose situation". Another one has said "it wouldn't be so bad if you split up". There's lots of messages about "hot mum friends" and referencing other women and their appearance and romanticising about ex girlfriends, referring to a sliding doors moment and then ending up with me. There's a picture he's taken of a girl he's seen in public and references like she's so hot. It's all really demeaning and disrespectful to me. Once I saw these messages, I went looking for others and I know it was wrong to look but I did. I found messages to friends where DH has lied about me, made up things I've supposedly said, to make me look bad. I've been a SAHM for 5 years and he complains about me not contributing financially to his friends, implies I'm lazy, useless and never do anything etc. I think the hardest part is seeing all his friends complicit in it. There's a level of contempt towards me. It's clear he doesn't see us as equal partners, doesn't value my contribution at home. It's also frustrating because alot of what he's said isn't true. He's controlling a narrative about me which isn't true. I've sat on it for 3 weeks whilst I make a plan to leave. I don't think there's any coming back from this. I haven't confronted him because I know I shouldn't have looked at his phone.

OP posts:
TheSpryGoose · 21/04/2025 09:41

Hummusandcrisps · 21/04/2025 07:27

I saw the messages 3 weeks ago. I have been doing contracting work for the last 2 months. But I'm also interviewing for a full time job and I'm really pinning everything on that. I'm overseas too just to complicate things further. I'm feeling very isolated but trying to be focus on having a plan.

We have had ups and downs in our marriage and last year we had couples therapy but I didn't find it helpful. I felt that DH uses his depression as an excuse and always plays the victim. He had a relapse in September and to be honest dealing with his poor mental health has ground me down. He often just goes to bed in the middle of the day - he was fired from his job 5 months ago.
I think what really stung is the lack of appreciation for all I do (so he can focus on his mental well being). I've always supported him. I think what surprised me was the level of contempt towards me. I can't imagine being with someone if I felt that way. Whenever we argue he love bombs me so I find it all confusing. But I know I deserve better.

It sounds to me like he is projecting.
He sounds like a nightmare to put up with and you are in a position now where you are doing well for yourself.
He Is trying to make himself look and feel better by putting you down and acting as though you mean nothing to him.
If I were in your position I would continue with your plan to leave, don’t tell him anything just yet.
Distance yourself from him, detach emotionally from him, DO NOT CELEBRATE his milestone birthday, not even a card from you.
Concentrate on yourself and getting yourself in a strong enough position mentally and financially to leave.
Good luck x

Horses7 · 21/04/2025 09:42

GameOfJones · 21/04/2025 09:16

I wouldn't tell him you looked on his phone. When you end it, tell him that one of his friends sent you the messages as he thought you should know what your DH was saying behind your back. Let the suspicion run between all the misogynistic "bros". Refuse to give any further details.

Good one!

SuperTrooper14 · 21/04/2025 09:42

Pandoralavella · 21/04/2025 09:33

You’re getting done absolutely terrible advice here imo.

There’s a child involved. You don’t give up on a family at the drop of a hat.

You’ve now got an amazing opportunity to turn your relationship completely around, because you have an insight into your husband’s innermost frustrations and desires.

Many people don’t get this chance, and when the relationship withers away to nothing and their lives are turned upside down they are left dumbstruck.

If you still love him, be as honest as you can be with yourself about the things you could improve.

For example, if he has asked you to find work, then find work. The stress of being the sole financial provider, particularly these days, is no joke. If he’s feeling bored in the relationship, then do some soul searching.

Approach his frustrations with kindness, openness, and genuine curiosity. His private conversations will be exaggerations. They are childish. Still, some part of him feels unloved or unappreciated. Some part of him feels bored.

It’s not all on you, but someone has to be the bigger person and make the first move to improve a situation. Later, it will start being reciprocal.

Don’t direct your energy into feeling sorry for yourself. Direct it instead into making improvements.

Give it a year of solid, earnest effort. Then re-evaluate. Or, if you know deep down that you’ve already done all of this to no avail, then - and only then - it might be time to go.

Edited

I’ve read some batshit advice on MN before but this takes the prize!

You honestly think it’s down to OP to make improvements to appease her liar of a DH? Madness.

Bumblebeestiltskin · 21/04/2025 09:44

I honestly don't think I could go through with the party, knowing what you know, having to face all his awful friends! Surely if you're making plans to leave, it doesn't matter if he's angry for a short while that you haven't gone through with the party.

sandgrown · 21/04/2025 09:44

Oh poor you that’s horrible when you were planning something nice for him. I don’t know how you have managed to not say anything. If you feel the relationship is over start making plans for separation while he is in blissful ignorance then blindside him. Research accommodation and any benefits you could claim. If you want to salvage the relationship you need to tell him what you saw . Have you a trusted friend or family member you can talk to? Good luck with whatever you decide and definitely no party for him.

Welshwhales · 21/04/2025 09:45

I think this is a blessing in disguise however awful it has been in the finding . Lose the depressed husband and find a new happier life . Good luck, you deserve better 💐

Climbinghigher · 21/04/2025 09:45

Pandoralavella · 21/04/2025 09:33

You’re getting done absolutely terrible advice here imo.

There’s a child involved. You don’t give up on a family at the drop of a hat.

You’ve now got an amazing opportunity to turn your relationship completely around, because you have an insight into your husband’s innermost frustrations and desires.

Many people don’t get this chance, and when the relationship withers away to nothing and their lives are turned upside down they are left dumbstruck.

If you still love him, be as honest as you can be with yourself about the things you could improve.

For example, if he has asked you to find work, then find work. The stress of being the sole financial provider, particularly these days, is no joke. If he’s feeling bored in the relationship, then do some soul searching.

Approach his frustrations with kindness, openness, and genuine curiosity. His private conversations will be exaggerations. They are childish. Still, some part of him feels unloved or unappreciated. Some part of him feels bored.

It’s not all on you, but someone has to be the bigger person and make the first move to improve a situation. Later, it will start being reciprocal.

Don’t direct your energy into feeling sorry for yourself. Direct it instead into making improvements.

Give it a year of solid, earnest effort. Then re-evaluate. Or, if you know deep down that you’ve already done all of this to no avail, then - and only then - it might be time to go.

Edited

You missed the bit where she’s working while he’s lying in bed for months then?

It’s really bad for kids to grow up with a parent not taking responsibility for themselves - and that includes mental health. If a parent expects the household to revolve around their needs - as he does - it damages the children. If he then can’t even recognise what he is doing and blames his wife then that’s even worse

Nairobiblue · 21/04/2025 09:45

Google Hague Convention and be very aware that if it applies and you leave with your son and do not have his permission, you will be an Abductor and it will count badly in court. Look and see where you can divorce, consult a law firm that deals with expat divorces. It is not easy but be aware.

5128gap · 21/04/2025 09:45

OK. So the gloves are off. Your marriage is over. And you're living with a man who is your enemy. So you need to make sure you get the absolute best you can from this situation. This might be checking your legal rights on separation. It may be continuing to live there under his financial support while preparing for your independence. Its good you've said nothing so far as this gives you time to think very carefully about where your interests best lie at the moment and plan accordingly. Don't be tempted at present into big reveals or revenge gestures. These won't pay the bills. First step, a solicitor.

Lotsofsnacks · 21/04/2025 09:45

You sound amazing OP, how you’ve kept calm while hes been an absolute pig. Depression is no excuse to be so awful to your spouse. Plus I don’t think his therapist sounds professional, making jokes at your expense. You selflessly moved to new country to further his career, and I’m impressed with how driven you were, as you straight away learned the language and also studied, and now will be getting a fab new job. You don’t need him, kick him to the kerb. Kill him and his sleazy friends with kindness at the birthday party though!! I wish you well

abs12 · 21/04/2025 09:47

Pandoralavella · 21/04/2025 09:33

You’re getting done absolutely terrible advice here imo.

There’s a child involved. You don’t give up on a family at the drop of a hat.

You’ve now got an amazing opportunity to turn your relationship completely around, because you have an insight into your husband’s innermost frustrations and desires.

Many people don’t get this chance, and when the relationship withers away to nothing and their lives are turned upside down they are left dumbstruck.

If you still love him, be as honest as you can be with yourself about the things you could improve.

For example, if he has asked you to find work, then find work. The stress of being the sole financial provider, particularly these days, is no joke. If he’s feeling bored in the relationship, then do some soul searching.

Approach his frustrations with kindness, openness, and genuine curiosity. His private conversations will be exaggerations. They are childish. Still, some part of him feels unloved or unappreciated. Some part of him feels bored.

It’s not all on you, but someone has to be the bigger person and make the first move to improve a situation. Later, it will start being reciprocal.

Don’t direct your energy into feeling sorry for yourself. Direct it instead into making improvements.

Give it a year of solid, earnest effort. Then re-evaluate. Or, if you know deep down that you’ve already done all of this to no avail, then - and only then - it might be time to go.

Edited

What a crock of shit. What century are you in?!

ChicaWowWow · 21/04/2025 09:48

Pandoralavella · 21/04/2025 09:33

You’re getting done absolutely terrible advice here imo.

There’s a child involved. You don’t give up on a family at the drop of a hat.

You’ve now got an amazing opportunity to turn your relationship completely around, because you have an insight into your husband’s innermost frustrations and desires.

Many people don’t get this chance, and when the relationship withers away to nothing and their lives are turned upside down they are left dumbstruck.

If you still love him, be as honest as you can be with yourself about the things you could improve.

For example, if he has asked you to find work, then find work. The stress of being the sole financial provider, particularly these days, is no joke. If he’s feeling bored in the relationship, then do some soul searching.

Approach his frustrations with kindness, openness, and genuine curiosity. His private conversations will be exaggerations. They are childish. Still, some part of him feels unloved or unappreciated. Some part of him feels bored.

It’s not all on you, but someone has to be the bigger person and make the first move to improve a situation. Later, it will start being reciprocal.

Don’t direct your energy into feeling sorry for yourself. Direct it instead into making improvements.

Give it a year of solid, earnest effort. Then re-evaluate. Or, if you know deep down that you’ve already done all of this to no avail, then - and only then - it might be time to go.

Edited

Fuck. That. Shit. This is horrible advice!
It is not up to OP to fix her DH's problems or to bend over backwards for his frustrations and desires. She's supported him in his depression and lack of work, but the rest is his responsibility, as a grown ass adult, to fix.
Fucking hell, never read such misogynistic advice.

"You’ve now got an amazing opportunity to turn your relationship completely around, because you have an insight into your husband’s innermost frustrations and desires.
Many people don’t get this chance"

Nope, nope, nope! He had the opportunity the whole time to be honest and to work with the OP as a team to both have their needs met while also caring for their son, equally. Which sounds like that never really happened. The OP doesn't have the "amazing opportunity to turn her relationship around", she found out of his betrayal and cruel treatment of her by "luck". There's nothing amazing about that, it's a horrible back stabbing. The OP now has the opportunity to turn her life around and get rid of this dead weight who has been shitting on her because of his weak male ego and his victim complex.

"Later, it will start being reciprocal."

Are you mad?!?!?! It should ve reciprocal from the get go. Jesus, how low is your bar?!

TheWordWomanIsTaken · 21/04/2025 09:50

Is he rich?
You keep mentioning that he doesn't want to separate because he'll lose money but if he's been losing jobs and now has one on half his previous salary, why is that a consideration.
Or is he worried about losing access to your money?

Yousay55 · 21/04/2025 09:50

I’m so sorry. What a horrible thing to have found. There’s some good advice here. All the best with what you decide to do-you sound incredibly capable and strong.

Addictedtohotbaths · 21/04/2025 09:50

He doesn’t like it that you’ve retrained and got a career coming together. He wants to keep you where you are so he can control and bully you. That’s amazing you’ve learnt the language and retrained.

It sounds like you will be flying once you get rid of that asshole.

My ex slagged me off to anyone who would listen, tried to tell my family was mental etc. the people who matter to you will not listen and fuck anyone else who does, try to let it go what he’s said, you know the truth.

Ava55 · 21/04/2025 09:51

So sorry to hear this. Amazing how men think the “grass is greener” You are worth so much more. And he does not deserve you.

TheWordWomanIsTaken · 21/04/2025 09:52

Also to say, there are often jurisdictions around divorce. I think that if you move back to the UK you will need to be settled here for a period of time before you can initiate divorce proceedings in this country.
But IANAL so check it out.

Calliopespa · 21/04/2025 09:52

Notsolongthistime · 21/04/2025 07:12

Oh fgs

no

there’s children involved.

op, if I were you, as you’re a sahm, I would hide your time until you mention anything. Meanwhile begin to gather as much financial information that you possibly can and see a lawyer on the sly.

Show quote history

Exactly this op.

It’s truly devastating and I’m so sorry for you.

Don’t turn this into a spectacle.

There is no way you can possibly make this relationship work. I’m quite slow to say LTB but this is a no-return situation.

Don’t divulge what you have seen. Stop organising the party and start organising your separation/divorce.

Withoutfearorfavour · 21/04/2025 09:53

TheWordWomanIsTaken · 21/04/2025 09:52

Also to say, there are often jurisdictions around divorce. I think that if you move back to the UK you will need to be settled here for a period of time before you can initiate divorce proceedings in this country.
But IANAL so check it out.

That’s completely incorrect

bigboykitty · 21/04/2025 09:53

He's a waste of space, @Hummusandcrisps . Although it must be incredibly upsetting to have read his messages, you now know what you are dealing with. It's interesting that his own therapist believes he has a personality disorder and this is entirely consistent with the way you describe him. He may or may not have ASD, but his behaviour in and around your relationship is personality disordered. It's okay to keep your powder dry and take some time to think about what you want going forwards. You seem pretty clear that you want to stay where you are and enable him to have a role in the life of your DC (although he, apparently, has zero interest in this). I would encourage you to reflect on whether this is based on your general principles and beliefs, or on your actual STBX and the reality of your situation. This man will always be a nightmare to communicate with and will always play the victim. I don't know what positives this will ever bring to your son. My own ex is similar and has caused untold emotional harm to my children. I wonder if you're scared of giving him actual grounds to criticise you by taking your son away from him? I imagine in your shoes I would plan my exit to the UK as a holiday, with no plans of returning and a coordinated divorce plan, unless legal advice precludes this. It sounds like you have worked hard to have a good life there and are keen to stay. You are absolutely awesome, OP. Look at everything you've achieved with this piece of shit undermining you at every hand and turn, instead of having your back and being your supporter. You will fly without him.

I actually think a lot of men feel the way your husband feels about finances and the possibility of having to share marital assets on separation. They are delusional in seeing themselves at great catches who can pull something better. It's pure misogyny.

Lighteningstrikes · 21/04/2025 09:55

I don’t understand why so many posters think it would be better for you to be in the UK!

It sounds like it really makes absolute sense for you to stay in Europe in terms of your DS and salary structure.

I think you would really struggle to find the right school for your DS and get a decent job here in the UK at the moment.

Your H is a very very silly disloyal man.

Good luck you will be so much better when you’ve cut this dead weight out of your life. Take your time and make it work for you 💐

Coffeeforayear · 21/04/2025 09:56

He sounds like a whingy negative bustard. I couldn't put up with him.

I'm sure his friends see through him.

Good luck with getting the permanent job.

As a pp said don't admit to seeing messages, say that one of the friends gave you the heads up. 🌺

NeilDiamondsBlowDry · 21/04/2025 09:56

What a creep taking photos of women in public as well

Withoutfearorfavour · 21/04/2025 09:56

Hummusandcrisps · 21/04/2025 09:35

@DelphiniumBlue we are both uk citizens but I am just changing my temporary permit to a permanent one. I'd only come home to be closer to family but to be honest I think if I could find a permanent contract here I'd be financially better off as the salaries are higher and tax is lower so I'd try to make it work here first and it's my son's home. I also want DH to be in his life, I do genuinely think that is best for DS. DS is also in a great private school that can cater to his needs and it took a while to find a good fit so I'm reluctant to move.

I did exactly that and I soldiered on for nearly 2 years and I ended up coming back in the end anyway. I wish I’d come back to the UK sooner.
It’s a lot to weigh up but being in a familiar system is incredibly helpful even if you end up going back get the paperwork done in the UK. It’s my strong Advice.

Here4thechocs · 21/04/2025 09:59

march654 · 21/04/2025 07:11

I would arrange the party and have a slideshow showing all the quotes from his messages on a big screen in front of his friends and their wives. Would be amazing. What an absolutely disgusting man.

Please don’t do this. You’d just make him appear right about you. It’s awful & the ultimate betrayal but please , don’t do this.