Read Husbands messages & now devastated

[Hummusandcrisps]

I have been planning a milestone birthday celebration for DH and went on his phone to get some of the numbers of his friends I wanted to invite. When I opened up his whatsapp chat group with his mates I was horrified to find some awful messages about me.

What I read was along the lines of "I'm stuck in a miserable marriage, i wish I could have an affair, but she will take all my money & I wouldn't have anywhere to live or have anyone over, she can keep my son, I just want to keep my money". His friends are complicit in their replies "describing it as a lose lose situation". Another one has said "it wouldn't be so bad if you split up". There's lots of messages about "hot mum friends" and referencing other women and their appearance and romanticising about ex girlfriends, referring to a sliding doors moment and then ending up with me. There's a picture he's taken of a girl he's seen in public and references like she's so hot. It's all really demeaning and disrespectful to me. Once I saw these messages, I went looking for others and I know it was wrong to look but I did. I found messages to friends where DH has lied about me, made up things I've supposedly said, to make me look bad. I've been a SAHM for 5 years and he complains about me not contributing financially to his friends, implies I'm lazy, useless and never do anything etc. I think the hardest part is seeing all his friends complicit in it. There's a level of contempt towards me. It's clear he doesn't see us as equal partners, doesn't value my contribution at home. It's also frustrating because alot of what he's said isn't true. He's controlling a narrative about me which isn't true. I've sat on it for 3 weeks whilst I make a plan to leave. I don't think there's any coming back from this. I haven't confronted him because I know I shouldn't have looked at his phone.

I can’t add to the words of horror towards the H and admiration for @Hummusandcrisps (you are incredible! Good luck in your job search) but I work around SEN provision in education in the UK and it’s not in a good way. I would really look into the provision where you live now and see what that’s like and weigh it up against the UK’s other assets like your support network.

Yes, please keep all your cards close to your chest do be careful about how cold your speech will be. What you really want is to have everything in order so you can just hand him divorce papers and turn and walk out the door. You don’t even need to explain anything at that time unless you want to. Leave him open mouthed while you walk away.

I'm so, so sorry for what you've been through. The silver lining is that it sounds like you will be MUCH happier without this utter piece of shit weighing you down.

OP you sound fantastic - level-headed, wise, motivated. You will come out of this well, although I don't doubt that it's devastating at the moment. Depression is a bitch and it can make a person feel like everything in their life is awful - your husband's mind is lying to him about his situation. BUT that is not your issue to fix, and he is still responsible for his words and actions. There are many, many people living with depression who have taken responsibility for their own mental health and who manage not to blame their partners for their situations.

You sound like you have a good plan in hand. I also wondered about the legality of taking your DC "on holiday" and then not returning, so I'm glad you're not considering that. It really wouldn't do you any favours in the family courts.

Your son is lucky to have you. Your husband is too - it's a shame he's throwing that away.

It wouldn't be an issue for my DH & I as we use each others phones as if they were our own. If our phones contained highly confidential work related matters we agree that would be different but they don't.

OP you have absolutely no reason to feel guilty about seeing the messages. Given you've been having doubts about his behaviour & the marriage in general you did the right thing even if it wasn't for reasons other than to obtain phone numbers.

I wish you a happy future away from this man

Whats your legal status in the country that you are in? Are you in the EU? Is he from the country or a UK citizen?
If you want to move back to the UK, I’d do it now, without seeking permission. It doesn’t sound as if he’s going to care if you take your son home, and once you are home, there won’t be very much he can do without a huge amount of effort .It sounds like he wouldn’t be bothered to do anything anyway.
Would you have family support in the UK? I’d make it a fait accompli, rent somewhere convenient for you.
Keep those messages.
It sounds like you have been grounded down, bowing to his opinions to keep the peace. His wishes ( eg to live near his hometown rather than yours, ) don’t trump yours. But the longer you stay abroad the more difficult it will be to uproot DS.

Once you do get out and the divorce is final, you should report his therapist to their statutory body for inappropriate behaviour. Include screenshots of the texts she sent him that concerned you.

I hope you do have screenshots, by the way.

I'm so sorry you had to read all those horrible things. It must have been such a shock.

The UK family courts do not care about other countries courts rulings. Sadly. It would have been in my favour if they had. They dont.

I'd be getting the building supplies ready for a new patio.

What about confronting him and asking him to move out? Trial separation. Gives you a great excuse to cancel the party. He can go and have his little one night stand / affair. And you don’t have to deal with his shit day to day. Then decide what you want to do in time. But he can still be close to the kid.

Mine did that to the woman he’d lined up. Made up a narrative which she believed 100%. There’s no coming back OP. I’m so sorry but you’re doing the right thing leaving. Did you take pics with your phone?

Def ducks in a row op, use your time wisely to be totally ahead of the game.

i had a few issues with a family member, I decided to be exceptionally overly nice them, my coping strategy of not starting arguments etc. I found out later it really unnerved them and made me look good towards them in situations where if I’d been rude etc I’d have been the bad guy.

my get back would be sometime in the future, and I’d love to upload those pictures of texts to a moonpig birthday card, even if I’d just only then bin or burn it without sending. 💐💐💐

Not worth the jail time. If there was a chance of getting away it yeah but forensics are too good now.

I'm sorry for what you are going through. I know the sense of betrayal. My exh (also suspect personality disorder and Nd) used to post on Facebook about Mr. I wasn't on it. But I found the posts and saw his mother had liked his spiteful posts, while I was still their DIL and hosting them for visits etc).

Advice wise... I think you sound switched on and strong.You will be ok and better in the long run BUT ... Do not be too reasonable. Do not be at pains to be the bigger person. I was far too 'good' at the start, when I was in shock.

Keep that text about your DS. I would also see if you can get some independent witness/evidence on his autism and need to be with you perhaps. Someone else might have a better idea on this than me, but a family member with their autistic child had less contact because of the child's needs.

You definitely need legal advice for both countries. But I would think very careful about your support network. I'm in the UK but not near family. It has not been easy. I don't necessarily think I did the wrong thing. Like you, I stayed for work and also because exh would have made me travel miles with our child for contact and I couldn't do that to ds. It does mean I've spent 20 years of my life in a town I don't really want to be in and no immediate prospect of getting out either even now.

You’re getting done absolutely terrible advice here imo.

There’s a child involved. You don’t give up on a family at the drop of a hat.

You’ve now got an amazing opportunity to turn your relationship completely around, because you have an insight into your husband’s innermost frustrations and desires.

Many people don’t get this chance, and when the relationship withers away to nothing and their lives are turned upside down they are left dumbstruck.

If you still love him, be as honest as you can be with yourself about the things you could improve.

For example, if he has asked you to find work, then find work. The stress of being the sole financial provider, particularly these days, is no joke. If he’s feeling bored in the relationship, then do some soul searching.

Approach his frustrations with kindness, openness, and genuine curiosity. His private conversations will be exaggerations. They are childish. Still, some part of him feels unloved or unappreciated. Some part of him feels bored.

It’s not all on you, but someone has to be the bigger person and make the first move to improve a situation. Later, it will start being reciprocal.

Don’t direct your energy into feeling sorry for yourself. Direct it instead into making improvements.

Give it a year of solid, earnest effort. Then re-evaluate. Or, if you know deep down that you’ve already done all of this to no avail, then - and only then - it might be time to go.

I’ve only really read your messages OP so not sure if anyone else has stressed the need to ensure that you are physically protected . You seem to be dealing with this alone and I really think you should confide in your own family . You had no idea he would speak about you as he has , so you have no idea how he will behave if you try and leave . Please don’t overlook your safety

@DelphiniumBlue we are both uk citizens but I am just changing my temporary permit to a permanent one. I'd only come home to be closer to family but to be honest I think if I could find a permanent contract here I'd be financially better off as the salaries are higher and tax is lower so I'd try to make it work here first and it's my son's home. I also want DH to be in his life, I do genuinely think that is best for DS. DS is also in a great private school that can cater to his needs and it took a while to find a good fit so I'm reluctant to move.

Probably a knee jerk reaction, but honestly fuck him and his feelings OP. Instead of being a grownup about it, he’s strung you along and not given a single shit about what you’ve done for him. Come back to the UK to visit family and then file for divorce while you’re here. Oh and fuck his friends too, they sound like a bunch of arseholes!

Why do men like this always have such rockstar wives? Yes, he has issues but they're all built on a foundation of garden variety misogyny and disrespect. Step 1. Find a supremely capable woman and if she's emotionally healthy, she can be given a lot of false promises and she will treat them as sincere. Step 2, give her loads of excuses and drop the reins of responsibility entirely, she will then agree to be the workhorse of the relationship and the man can be King Baby criticising everything she does from the sidelines. Step 3. Whine and complain infinitely so you don't have to take a hard look at yourself. Disgusting , especially hunting strange women with his camera; as though they want anything to do with him! On to OP's next move to her terrific new life; get legal advice in both countries so you can assess which one serves you best. Move any of your share of joint funds so that they're safe while proceedings are ongoing. The person who described him as a millstone was dead on. Everything will be easier without him. His friends can wipe his arse in future.

Have you read all the OP's posts? If so this is the most shocking post I think I've ever seen on here and I am utterly shocked that you could come to these conclusions based on the information shared.

I don't agree with others comments about confronting him at all party etc as it's a private matter but all the other context is so polarised to your comments

There is absolutely no point in confronting him because he will always be the victim. This is an opportunity to figure out what you want from life without the guilt of leaving a one sided relationship where your needs and wants always came second. First step is to get legal advice because you live abroad and have children.

Mourn the man you wanted him to be and look forward to separating yourself from the twat he is.

This could be his greatest gift to you.

I wouldn’t pander to him or his friends by going ahead with the party. I’d be cancelling it now and using the messages as leverage to instigate a fair divorce or even come back to the UK - i.e. if he doesn’t let you and your DS leave you‘ll share the messages so people know what he’s really like. I know the saying is when they go low, you go high, but sometimes it’s okay to play a situation to your advantage and he doesn’t deserve fairness.

Bide your time, get your ducks in a row, get a decent solicitor and then rinse the fucker for every penny.

Id try and get a copy of the message saying you can keep the kids, just incase you want proof of what an arsehole he is.

I completely agree. The things he has said are disgusting, and deceitful. Also taking pictures of women in the street are not what men do when they are 'bored'.

Disagree. He's said these things, let him own it.