Read Husbands messages & now devastated

[Hummusandcrisps]

I have been planning a milestone birthday celebration for DH and went on his phone to get some of the numbers of his friends I wanted to invite. When I opened up his whatsapp chat group with his mates I was horrified to find some awful messages about me.

What I read was along the lines of "I'm stuck in a miserable marriage, i wish I could have an affair, but she will take all my money & I wouldn't have anywhere to live or have anyone over, she can keep my son, I just want to keep my money". His friends are complicit in their replies "describing it as a lose lose situation". Another one has said "it wouldn't be so bad if you split up". There's lots of messages about "hot mum friends" and referencing other women and their appearance and romanticising about ex girlfriends, referring to a sliding doors moment and then ending up with me. There's a picture he's taken of a girl he's seen in public and references like she's so hot. It's all really demeaning and disrespectful to me. Once I saw these messages, I went looking for others and I know it was wrong to look but I did. I found messages to friends where DH has lied about me, made up things I've supposedly said, to make me look bad. I've been a SAHM for 5 years and he complains about me not contributing financially to his friends, implies I'm lazy, useless and never do anything etc. I think the hardest part is seeing all his friends complicit in it. There's a level of contempt towards me. It's clear he doesn't see us as equal partners, doesn't value my contribution at home. It's also frustrating because alot of what he's said isn't true. He's controlling a narrative about me which isn't true. I've sat on it for 3 weeks whilst I make a plan to leave. I don't think there's any coming back from this. I haven't confronted him because I know I shouldn't have looked at his phone.

OP you can use the .gov.uk website to file divorce.

When you tell him you want a divorce I would use some of the phrases in the messages you saw, leave him thinking that he has a mole in his friendship group?

You sound fantastic, you've relocated, learned a language and carried the family. You have got this!

@Enthusiasticcarrotgrower yes I've got them all saved. And now keeping a diary of everything.

I agree. My (ex) H suffered from Depression. He was also quite spiteful.
To feel good about himself he needed to be on top of someone else (usually me) When I was being competant he couldn't stand it. If I was ill he loved the power. Not possible to stay married (or co-parent) with the level of abuse I got.
I'm sorry OP. But you've a good life ahead of you without him pulling you down.

Oh yes, please, please do this! 🙏
I look back at times in my life and wish I'd remained more calm and calculating in a situation where someone absolutely completely deserved to be exposed in this way, simply devious, but justified. This is perfect!

You are coming across here as someone who has really held it altogether in a difficult situation (new country during covid, autistic son, awful partner who absolutely sounds like he has weaponised his “depression” to hurt you “ and you are still behaving like a smart, thoughtful, caring mother at a time when you’ve been treated very badly. Well done!! Keep planning, stay smart and pull the trigger on ending your marriage when you are ready. I think your instincts are bang on that there is no sense in trying to litigate what he’s done in the past with him - just make sure he doesn’t see your divorce coming and get the best outcome for you and your son. The UK does usually end up being more favourable to the lower earner than most countries.

100% this OP. You sound amazing, get a consultation with a lawyer first before you say anything to him and know exactly where you stand. I suspect he is very money orientated and will try all sorts with you once you tell him you want a separation, preparation is key xx

Good. Oh, OP I don't have any advice but just wanted to send some support and say that you sound like an amazing, smart, strong woman and a great mum. You're absolutely leagues ahead of your nasty vile useless husband, and he knows it. He's probably jealous and bitter. But nothing excuses what's he's done behind your back. He doesn't even care about his own son "she can keep my son, I just want to keep my money" what a horrible man he is.
You sound like you know what to do and in time you and your son will build a lovely life together. Sending hugs xx

Just a thought - and I would check this legally - but if you came back for a holiday with the kids to the UK with him (ie very very clearly he had consented to coming back with them) and once you were in the UK separated immediately - it might get you out of the “abduction” issue and put the onus on him to get permission to take your child back where you are based now. I would confirm with a lawyer before doing it but it may be a loophole you can use.

You’ll so much happier without him Op. what an asshole. He’ll continue to be miserable and drag down whoever comes into his life.

the fact he doesn’t even care about seeing his won speaks volumes.

But only after you have financially secured yourself in advance. Act for yourself now, you and the kids are the only thing you need to care about.

Sending hugs and hearts to you, OP.

Good, OP, turn it to your advantage. And have a bolt hole - do you have parents/siblings who you can trust?

The country where you are is no fault divorce, right? So the only message that is relevant is the one about leaving his son behind, and that is for the purposes of custody.

Regardless of where OP went on holiday, the hague convention expects return of the child to the place of their habitual residence. Most countries and courts would look at where the child goes to school, where they have lived and for how long, where their social and societal community has been built up.

If the OP did what you describe it would be considered wrongful retention, so not a feasible loophole at least in terms of countries signed up to the Hague Convention. My friend was on the other side of this and (to her relief) the father was forced to return the children after threats of legal intervention.

Thanks @Pickledpeanuts - I wasn’t sure and thought it may help - but glad you are able to share better informed advice.

I think an awful lot of people would consider it. Thankfully in my friends case her ex only had to be convinced that she would win if it went to court and he folded. Hasn't been in touch with his children ever since!

But alot of the time is disappointment and depression manifest as anger and its projected on to me.

And you say he's a suspected narcissist. Mine was, too. It's like you're married to my ex!

I moved abroad for my STBX, although we didn't have kids due to his behaviour, so that made it a bit easier. I was devastated when he left, as he could be really lovely when he wanted to be, so there were lots of happy memories too. But I will tell you that being away from this man's moods and temper and contempt and blame and utterly dark, twisted view of the world, me, his life, and everyone in it, is pure heaven.

If you haven’t done this already - you need to take screenshots of all of these messages and keep them safe somewhere.

If this were me I would be utterly ruthless in the way I deal with him. He doesn’t even care about his son - just the money. See a lawyer and get legal advice on what you need to do to maximise custody, financial settlement and child support.

Narcissists are a NIGHTMARE to divorce . It will take a long time and be VERY expensive. So you must get excellent legal advice and follow it to the letter.

No he doesn’t want the child but he does want all the matrimonial assets and he will fight for them. These men are not pragmatists - they will spend £100,000 on legal fees to win £30,000.

Be warned @Hummusandcrisps

Genuinely one of the worst takes I’ve ever read on Mumsnet. Thank you for the laugh 😂

I know. Heaven forbid that a man might not be 100% happy and fulfilled at all times. And obviously it's all the wife's fault.

This is the sort of thing that was written in Good Housekeeping magazine in the 1950s, along with advice to put on a clean frock and a ribbon in your hair when your husband arrives home from work.

Id bet a penny to a pinch of shit that the posters jumping on you for losing your job in the pandemic also supported the lockdowns.

Your are very measured and capable and have navigated enormously difficult circumstances successfully. Once you have plotted the best way out you will be better but how galling to read those messages when you deserve so much more.

From what you have said, I really don't see what your DH brings to this relationship and it would appear you would be better off without him. I may have misunderstood and you may want to save your marriage but I really can't see you are getting anything positive from it. I wish you luck.

true

You deserve so much more than your husband is giving you. I wish you every future happiness because you definitely deserve it.