Read Husbands messages & now devastated

[Hummusandcrisps]

I have been planning a milestone birthday celebration for DH and went on his phone to get some of the numbers of his friends I wanted to invite. When I opened up his whatsapp chat group with his mates I was horrified to find some awful messages about me.

What I read was along the lines of "I'm stuck in a miserable marriage, i wish I could have an affair, but she will take all my money & I wouldn't have anywhere to live or have anyone over, she can keep my son, I just want to keep my money". His friends are complicit in their replies "describing it as a lose lose situation". Another one has said "it wouldn't be so bad if you split up". There's lots of messages about "hot mum friends" and referencing other women and their appearance and romanticising about ex girlfriends, referring to a sliding doors moment and then ending up with me. There's a picture he's taken of a girl he's seen in public and references like she's so hot. It's all really demeaning and disrespectful to me. Once I saw these messages, I went looking for others and I know it was wrong to look but I did. I found messages to friends where DH has lied about me, made up things I've supposedly said, to make me look bad. I've been a SAHM for 5 years and he complains about me not contributing financially to his friends, implies I'm lazy, useless and never do anything etc. I think the hardest part is seeing all his friends complicit in it. There's a level of contempt towards me. It's clear he doesn't see us as equal partners, doesn't value my contribution at home. It's also frustrating because alot of what he's said isn't true. He's controlling a narrative about me which isn't true. I've sat on it for 3 weeks whilst I make a plan to leave. I don't think there's any coming back from this. I haven't confronted him because I know I shouldn't have looked at his phone.

Before mentioning anything to him, work out his and your finances, work out your next steps, who is going to live where. Get legal advice.
Once you are all sorted, then speak to him.

I cannot stand people who deliberately destroy someone’s else’s character. It is nasty, and he has done that to you.

There it is - the dumbest thing I have read on the internet today.

It’s like @Pandoralavella teleported here from the 1930s

Please ignore @Pandoralavella

That is genius

Just to say OP that you sound strong and resilient and will come out of this a lot better than him. Take proper legal advice on your options, internet opinions can be comforting but not always helpful.

Severe depression can make people mean. Not all people, but some. They focus all their misery on one person who may have done little to deserve ii. One day he will see things more clearly. You don’t have to stick around while he sorts himself out, but just to reassure you this may not be how he feels about you in his right mind.

That said, I wouldn’t have the party, honestly. He won’t appreciate it.

Haven’t read all the replies but my god do this. You would be a legend.

I really do think it'd be amazing though to have those on a slideshow at the party, make all his friends look a bunch of cu next tuesdays as well

I am so, so sorry, this is awful. He really should not have been so public with how he felt and his friends are obviously not yours!

You know what you have to do for your self respect and wellbeing. Rise above it. It looks as though your marriage has come to an end, work out finances, see if you can get a job. Prioritise yourself and your child.

THIS.

The people telling her to just up and leave with her son back to the UK are offering terrible. She needs proper legal advice on this to avoid it seen as taking her son, without consent, from the place her is ordinarily resident. I.e kidnapping.

Please don’t do anything before seeing a lawyer!!
Laws in Europe re divorce will vary a lot and you really need to know where you’re standing.

You might need to gather proofs you wouldn’t need in the U.K. (France for example).
Which means that you might manage to convince him to okay nice and agree you go back to the U.K. Unless he is from that country himself??

Please don’t!!

Your aim just now shouldn’t be revenge.
Your aim should be to protect yourself and your dc. In some countries, you might well loose a 50/50 access over that sort of stunt, esp if dc is present.

So just as nice it migut sound, please put a practical hat on.
And don’t listen to a word of posters in the U.K. who have no idea how things work where you live.

From the very first post about him I thought npd too. Normal people just aren't...that way. Some sort of cluster b personality disorder seems evident.

I'd just be an absolute delight to his friends at the party. 'Im so greatful you've been there for John, he's struggled with his mental health as I'm sure you know and I'm glad he has such good friends to talk to.

And make sure you look your hottest too.
And defo drop a hint about a friend informant.

Don’t tell him you’ve seen messages. Come back to the uk and tell home you want a divorce once back . Let him live on his own with his self pity . Stay strong for yourself and son x

This organisation might be able to help you with info on what you can and can't do with your child and returning to the UK. I know you've said that you see the opportunity of a good life where you are right now but it doesn't hurt to be aware of your options.

https://www.globalarrk.org/

I wish you the absolute best of luck getting rid of this vile man. Let us know when you've left. What a horrible thing to find out accidentally, I'd never forgive anyone who said that about my son.

Please don't give him any inkling of your plans until you are ready to leave. Hell hath no fury like a narcissist scorned.
The revenge at the party may sound great but it will make your situation a million times worse.

Silly to hist him a oztty then act cold towards people

At least fake being sick or something on party day so he can get on with it
While you work on your exit plan

Doesn’t explain his appalling messages to his friends about his wife and son. Zero excuse for that behaviour.

@Hummusandcrisps

You have the messages. Good! Be sure they're somewhere secure. And gather all the proof of finances you can get your hands on. Secure that away, too. Preferably out of the house. If it's on your computer, put it in a secure, locked document. But if you can at all get this information out of the house, or on a separate computer, that's the best. I've found that somehow men like your H begin to 'feel' there is a change in us. Maybe it's a 6th sense or maybe we show very subtle changes in attitude, changes we don't even notice in ourselves. But at any rate, suspicions can be aroused. This can be why it's important to get things out of the house.

I know you've said you haven't confided in anyone, and I understand why you haven't. But as your plans seem to be firming up, you may want to reconsider this. If you have ONE friend or relative, even if they're in the UK, that you have 1000% confidence in to keep their mouths shut you may want to tell them, if not everything, just 'enough'. That he's being emotionally abusive or similar. This person can not only be a rock to lean on, they can serve as a 'repository' for your documents.

You need to see a solicitor, pronto. Even if your plan isn't to leave for months, now is the time. You need to be educated as to what divorce will mean to you in the country you are now residing in. Take a snapshot of 'family finances' and all assets. Ask what and how divorces are processed (timelines, paperwork, etc) and what is 'usual' as far as financial settlements and child maintenance go. Forewarned is forearmed. If there is the least chance that you'll want to return to the UK, you also need to consult with a UK solicitor (by phone), or a local one with experience in international divorce/child issues.

It's not simply picking up and leaving. If you are in a Hague Convention country you cannot remove a child without permission from the other parent. So this brings me to another point. He said "She can keep the child, I just want to keep my money". So, how much is it worth to you to be rid of him and have sole custody of DS? I'm not saying he'd agree if you took a lower settlement or whatever in exchange for moving away or sole custody, but it's worth thinking about. However, you're a long way from that point now.

And please keep quiet! The main thing you have going for you now is the element of surprise. Throw the party, grin and chat to his bastard friends. Remember that you are now playing the role of a lifetime. The role of ignorant, unsuspecting wife. Play it to the hilt, you'll be glad you did.

You around absolutely brilliant.
One detail: don't just move home to the UK with your ds without legal advice.
There was another thread where hundreds of posters insisted the op should just go home to the UK from Australia with the DC. The op knew and said many times that she could well lose her DC because it's really not that simple and the other parent can apply to the courts to have their DC retuned. People just would not stop saying she should just go for a UK holiday and not come back, even when some posters knew people who had lost access to their DC by doing that. Went on for pages and pages.

@Hummusandcrisps Could you say which country you're in? People may be able to provide advice and point you in the right direction

@Hummusandcrisps

What an absolute piece of shit.
I'm so sorry OP x

I'm so sorry op this is awful..I would just leave with no reason given. Just go.

Did you screen shot the messages? Once you have all your ducks in a row, I think you should silently present him the divorce papers with a print out of the message on top.