Read Husbands messages & now devastated

[Hummusandcrisps]

I have been planning a milestone birthday celebration for DH and went on his phone to get some of the numbers of his friends I wanted to invite. When I opened up his whatsapp chat group with his mates I was horrified to find some awful messages about me.

What I read was along the lines of "I'm stuck in a miserable marriage, i wish I could have an affair, but she will take all my money & I wouldn't have anywhere to live or have anyone over, she can keep my son, I just want to keep my money". His friends are complicit in their replies "describing it as a lose lose situation". Another one has said "it wouldn't be so bad if you split up". There's lots of messages about "hot mum friends" and referencing other women and their appearance and romanticising about ex girlfriends, referring to a sliding doors moment and then ending up with me. There's a picture he's taken of a girl he's seen in public and references like she's so hot. It's all really demeaning and disrespectful to me. Once I saw these messages, I went looking for others and I know it was wrong to look but I did. I found messages to friends where DH has lied about me, made up things I've supposedly said, to make me look bad. I've been a SAHM for 5 years and he complains about me not contributing financially to his friends, implies I'm lazy, useless and never do anything etc. I think the hardest part is seeing all his friends complicit in it. There's a level of contempt towards me. It's clear he doesn't see us as equal partners, doesn't value my contribution at home. It's also frustrating because alot of what he's said isn't true. He's controlling a narrative about me which isn't true. I've sat on it for 3 weeks whilst I make a plan to leave. I don't think there's any coming back from this. I haven't confronted him because I know I shouldn't have looked at his phone.

Hummusandcrisps · Today 07:27. I saw the messages 3 weeks ago. I have been doing contracting work for the last 2 months. But I'm also interviewing for a full time job and I'm really pinning everything on that.

no he got fired 5 months ago but he has found a new job starting next month but it's half the salary so I think alot of his anger is stemming from there

If you press "see all" on the OP's posts you'll be able to see them all. It's always useful so you get the full picture & stops you looking a bit of an idiot when you reply

Which country are you in @Hummusandcrisps? Someone may be able to advise if it’s more beneficial to divorce there or in uk.

A very poor idea, there are real
people involved, not least children. This is real life not a Netflix series or YouTube video.

I was also thinking this based on everything you've said. Document everything and back it up.

Do whatever is best for you and your son. Do you have a support network and where is it if so?

He may also be making secret plans to leave you, you can't rule it out. Narcissists can't bear to be left. I wanted mine to go and he wouldn't. Put on an Oscar winning performance for two months, then left the week of our anniversary, he'd booked a hotel etc. Completely blindsided me.

Tread with care.

Awful situation.
It's fun to suggest wild revenge scenarios such as outing him at the party, but this is a serious situation that needs careful handling and involves a man who has a history of mental illness. The main question is how can you best leave him behind and establish yourself with your son. It doesn't sound as if you can rely on him for any financial contribution at all because he may well fall to pieces when you leave. Best start with some legal advice, find somewhere affordable to move to and have a careful look at how you will finance it. Good luck.

Yep, I have one of these too. Still not divorced, he's enjoying stringing it out.

I am so sorry this happened to you. This happened to another woman I used to know. I was actually friends with her partner at the time. Long story but a message from me to him triggered her to go through his phone and she found messages of the type you describe but to other women.

It’s awful and worse that it seems his friends eere complicit (though they probably were just trying to support a friend.)

The comments about it being “his” money and him being fine if you take your son but not any money (which you share) are diabolical.

Also it seems as it he just “settled” for who was available to him.

I wish people would learn to be happy single instead of settling for people and regretting it. It’s not fair to the other person.

Oh I can't wait until you leave him in the dirt OP. What a cheeky bastard.
I hope you go on to live an excellent life without him, your happiness will be the best revenge. I expect he'll change his tune rapidly then.

It might look bad op but you've got the winning hand now- you have inside information and he doesn't know that you know.
You have all you need to work the situation to your advantage and make sure you and your children come out on top here

Any therapist who is messaging a client and making a joke at their client’s expense needs to be struck off.
Also, people who are very popular and feel that they have everyone in their team… scratch beneath the surface and a lot of people see through it.

Absolutely this. You are amazing.

@Hummusandcrisps . This may be a bit of a different slant on things. You said he has been very badly depressed before- do you think he could be bipolar?
this means he has times of very high energy and mood (but with it also comes anger and irritation). So have a think about this, which I’ll try and link. This can cause impulsive decisions in life- big life decisions, quitting jobs etc.

Mania

if you can, put aside small cash amounts. I did that for c6 months while planning divorce and had a stash of £5k to fall back on. Was very needed at points.

Someone I know built up quite a little nest egg by getting cashback every time she went shopping and paying into an account opened specially for the purpose. Her (now) ex had no idea, as all he saw coming out of the joint account was payments to Tesco, Sainsburys, etc.

Oh that’s awful you feel you have to do this (snd stay.)

That's a very good point.

The amount of times I reacted 🤢 to him in your opening post. Ick. He's grim.

I agree with the poster about the slideshow and inviting all his pals. Final slide 'so you'll be happy to know, you're fucking dumped you absolute creepy bellend'.

Or, leave a letter and message it to all his pals.

Or just:
'Wife here, came on thinking to invite some of John's friends to a surprise birthday party and...saw all this horrible shit he's been writing. It's 2025 guys, maybe instead of supporting mysoginy and contempt towards wives - you should call eachother out. You certainly should call out creepy men taking unsolicited pictures of women too fyi! Hopefully you can help him become a better person as a single man, because I'm so outa here! 🤮'.

Speak to a solicitor first though. Make sure all your money is in an account of your own, not joint. Sell anything in the house that's not being used to help you save up funds. Then get the divorce rolling down you can push through the split of assets asap. Take as much as you can from the horrible git.

That is absolutely diabolical. I love it!

@Hummusandcrisps regardless of his myriad of psychological and psychiatric issues, he’s fundamentally vile towards you as it’s a pattern of behaviour.

My DP went through a massive psychiatric crisis and we broke up briefly - in the aftermath, one of the main points that made me reconsider was that he had never said a bad word about me to anyone, even though I made sure to teach him a lesson (that eventually prompted a lot of work on himself).

A man who is that spiteful and resentful will never see you past a prop in his life. He reminds me a lot of my DB, who is horrendous at home but a social butterfly to the outside.

I know you shouldn’t have looked but in a way it’s a good job you did. How much more devastated would you have been if he had taken it another level? Shame on him for not discussing this with you, or even giving you an inclination that his feelings are changing. I would imagine that you will need closure of some description, and perhaps you should be honest and tell him you read his messages for all the right reasons, and give him a chance to explain. Clearly his lack of communication is causing issues, and by being open it could help you both to work through things. Or you may feel you can’t recover from this, but at least you will have that closure for yourself. I’m so sorry you are going through this.

His biggest complaint is lack of sex and I tried to explain to him that his behaviour doesn't inspire intimacy but it's as if he thinks he's entitled to it. It's so awful.

God how many times do I hear this over and over and over again. Husbands, boyfriends, partners who feel entitled to sex, “just because”. But refuse to behave in a manner where their partner has any desire for intimacy with them.

I hope you manage to look fantastic at the party. Treat yourself, you deserve it. And if every one of his mates thinks how stunning you look, more fuel to your fire.
Also get a friend to help with your hair and make up.

I'd just use the opportunity to buy yourself time. Time to work out what you want.

You could be quite clever in your speech, and simply state the facts that disprove all his many messages to his mates, without letting on that you know: You say that you are all gathered here to celebrate (husband's) nth birthday. You want to thank him for bringing (child name) into your lives, it's been challenging but he is much adored. You say that hubby has taken you away from friends and career to (country) with his job and that it's lovely to be back to celebrate with all our friends. You can say you've risen to the challenge of living abroad, had the opportunity to learn the language, to train and qualify and to get a fantastic and very well paid job, and luckily you've been able to fit this around the time needed to look after (child) who is now thriving in a school suited to his needs. You could even say that you're glad hubby is finally going back to work after 5 months off and make a joke about hopefully one less person to tidy up after.... but that depends how daring you are.
You then thank his many friends for helping to put this birthday party on, and in particular to those that went an extra mile behind the scenes and kept you up to date with what was going on (by all means name those involved in the messages or just say 'you know who you are' if you wish to keep him guessing that someone has let on to his opinion of you),
And then ask everyone to raise their glasses and wish him a happy birthday.

Well that'd be what I'd do, but you are not me.

A father that toddles off to bed for half the day is not an engaged parent. I think you can get documentation from your son’s therapist and from his school as evidence that he’s just not up to the task. Possibly even your guidance counsellor. I doubt you’d be able to pick up and leave - at least not immediately. I suspect once you divorce, he won’t be able to weaponise your child, so will lose all interest. Keep every email, text message, etc.

As for you at home, STOP FACILITATING HIM. When he says manipulative shit like “I just feel useless…” you should stop trying to make him feel better. (Because he IS fucking useless…) That’s never going to work. He sees you as a service provider… mental boost, sex, birthday presents, etc: just stop. Be distant, uninvolved and get on with your life. Say, “What? Oh, yes…” or “You’re on about that again…” and ignore. Be as boring as possible. Look up Grey Rock Technique.

I'm really sorry, OP. I was married to someone with severe depression too, and he spent many times convinced that I was the problem, until he worked himself up into such a lather of contempt that he walked out on me one day for no reason. All his life, he's sought to blame his circumstances for the way he feels, I think because he's puzzled about why he feels so bad. I strongly suspect that those messages are about his depression, not about you, objectively. You should talk to him. He might have been going through a black patch when he wrote them and not actually mean it.

People who haven't seen serious depression up close won't really understand what a terrible effect it has on your marriage. The person suffering from it is experiencing highly distorted thinking. It's actually a really horrible MH disorder that gives sufferers a grotesquely twisted view of the word and everything in their lives. It's far from just feeing down.

Talk to him.

OP, I think I remember previous posts under a different name. I think we are in the same CHountry?

I am also here through and post-divorce.
The first thing is that he will get such a shock when he realizes the level of child maintenance that is going to be taken off him. You are going to be fine, even if he thinks he’s going to go back to the UK.

Men can often be weak willed and spineless, so the friends will say any old shit to avoid conflict. Nonetheless, you are an absolute heroine and he and his shitty friends can fuck off. Cut them off dead.

It can be difficult to get someone out of the home, so it may be easiest to just rent something new for you and your son. And let him fend for himself.

Fuck him, lean into your friendship groups, and sometime next year you can look forward to restarting your life.
it’s going to be fine- absolutely great.

Given they will all be at the party and you know what was said, but no one knows you know.

Can you direct the conversation with the actual truths questioning the narrative they've written publicly?

Like. "Oh been so long, wonderful to finally see you. How are you all? I've been so busy working..." then depending on how the conversation flows, drop sentences in that throws out their bull. "Oh yes, was a stressful time when DH was so poorly, bless him..but luckily he starts a new job soon so hopefully back on his feet, such a shame he lost his last one, its lucky i could bridge the gap"