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Original poster

Read Husbands messages & now devastated

516 replies

Hummusandcrisps · 21/04/2025 07:08

I have been planning a milestone birthday celebration for DH and went on his phone to get some of the numbers of his friends I wanted to invite. When I opened up his whatsapp chat group with his mates I was horrified to find some awful messages about me.

What I read was along the lines of "I'm stuck in a miserable marriage, i wish I could have an affair, but she will take all my money & I wouldn't have anywhere to live or have anyone over, she can keep my son, I just want to keep my money". His friends are complicit in their replies "describing it as a lose lose situation". Another one has said "it wouldn't be so bad if you split up". There's lots of messages about "hot mum friends" and referencing other women and their appearance and romanticising about ex girlfriends, referring to a sliding doors moment and then ending up with me. There's a picture he's taken of a girl he's seen in public and references like she's so hot. It's all really demeaning and disrespectful to me. Once I saw these messages, I went looking for others and I know it was wrong to look but I did. I found messages to friends where DH has lied about me, made up things I've supposedly said, to make me look bad. I've been a SAHM for 5 years and he complains about me not contributing financially to his friends, implies I'm lazy, useless and never do anything etc. I think the hardest part is seeing all his friends complicit in it. There's a level of contempt towards me. It's clear he doesn't see us as equal partners, doesn't value my contribution at home. It's also frustrating because alot of what he's said isn't true. He's controlling a narrative about me which isn't true. I've sat on it for 3 weeks whilst I make a plan to leave. I don't think there's any coming back from this. I haven't confronted him because I know I shouldn't have looked at his phone.

OP posts:
bigboykitty · 21/04/2025 12:03

GreenIsMyFavoriteColour · 21/04/2025 11:35

"I've been a SAHM for 5 years and he complains about me not contributing financially"

Show quote history

OP is working now. STBX got sacked for gross misconduct, has been out of work and staying in bed for 5 months, and is due to start a new job on half the salary soon. HTH

thepariscrimefiles · 21/04/2025 12:08

GreenIsMyFavoriteColour · 21/04/2025 11:35

"I've been a SAHM for 5 years and he complains about me not contributing financially"

Show quote history

Read the rest of her posts. She moved countries for his career. She has learned the language, retrained and is currently working as a contrator but has applied for a permanent job.

Chocaholic1216 · 21/04/2025 12:09

Be prepared for him to start throwing around the emotional blackmail card of threatening suicide if you say you are divorcing him. He sounds like the type of person who would want to manipulate you and play the victim like that

bert3400 · 21/04/2025 12:09

@Hummusandcrisps

Please file the divorce in the UK. This is incredibly important to protect you financially.

S0j0urn4r · 21/04/2025 12:13

This is awful for you and your child.
Firstly, please don't think there is any truth in those messages. The advice and agreement he was getting came from one arsehole who's wife has left him and one utter fucktard who's never had a girlfriend. I think you can safely discount their opinions.
I'm glad you kept the messages, especially the one about not wanting his son (wanker!). That will help in custody as will records that he didn't attend your son's therapy.
You need legal advice asap especially if you're staying abroad rather than UK.
Start making a record of his behaviour towards you and son, what he says etc. Do not relocate again if he gets another job.
Think long and hard about where you and son would best be located. If he chooses to move elsewhere, that's on him.
Do you have someone irl to talk to? Preferably not related to one of his friends?

Cherrysoup · 21/04/2025 12:18

Given all you’ve done to succeed in the country and that you have interviews, I’d say you might be better off staying there. I hope your ds has a British passport, tho? Did you take screenshots of your DH’s messages saying you could ‘keep your son’? Might be significant. If you were to move back to the UK, I don’t know if you can enforce cms/the equivalent if he remains in Europe, not sure how the system works.

mommatoone · 21/04/2025 12:21

He sounds like a complete and utter narcissist. You need to be very clever how you go about moving forward OP. He will always be the victim no matter what. Good luck, you sound amazing.

EllieEllie25 · 21/04/2025 12:22

You sound amazing OP, you have already achieved so much in really really difficult circumstances. He is a gigantic fool.

Zebedee999 · 21/04/2025 12:23

Hummusandcrisps · 21/04/2025 07:08

I have been planning a milestone birthday celebration for DH and went on his phone to get some of the numbers of his friends I wanted to invite. When I opened up his whatsapp chat group with his mates I was horrified to find some awful messages about me.

What I read was along the lines of "I'm stuck in a miserable marriage, i wish I could have an affair, but she will take all my money & I wouldn't have anywhere to live or have anyone over, she can keep my son, I just want to keep my money". His friends are complicit in their replies "describing it as a lose lose situation". Another one has said "it wouldn't be so bad if you split up". There's lots of messages about "hot mum friends" and referencing other women and their appearance and romanticising about ex girlfriends, referring to a sliding doors moment and then ending up with me. There's a picture he's taken of a girl he's seen in public and references like she's so hot. It's all really demeaning and disrespectful to me. Once I saw these messages, I went looking for others and I know it was wrong to look but I did. I found messages to friends where DH has lied about me, made up things I've supposedly said, to make me look bad. I've been a SAHM for 5 years and he complains about me not contributing financially to his friends, implies I'm lazy, useless and never do anything etc. I think the hardest part is seeing all his friends complicit in it. There's a level of contempt towards me. It's clear he doesn't see us as equal partners, doesn't value my contribution at home. It's also frustrating because alot of what he's said isn't true. He's controlling a narrative about me which isn't true. I've sat on it for 3 weeks whilst I make a plan to leave. I don't think there's any coming back from this. I haven't confronted him because I know I shouldn't have looked at his phone.

Pack his bags and kick him out. Change the locks.

trustedfriend · 21/04/2025 12:30

He doesn’t deserve to be with you, he sounds horrendous & vile. Make your plans to leave that relationship & don’t be scared…it will be the best thing you ever do. He won’t ever change & has been wearing a mask for you & telling his mates (who sound just as bad) how he really feels. He is a gutless coward! Hope you are ok.

TheCrowFliesWest · 21/04/2025 12:37

Hummusandcrisps · 21/04/2025 11:55

@TheCrowFliesWest yes well his therapist thinks he has narcissistic personality disorder. But she's not qualified to make that assessment. I don't doubt her though. And DH hasn't seen her for 4 months because he didn't like what she had to say to him.

Classic narcissist!!!

If you have your own audible account I strongly recommend listening to ‘Its Not You’ by Dr Ramani. I’m divorcing my communal narcissistic PS H and it’s so helpful I’m listening to it again.

Keep quiet about what you know. Don’t challenge him on anything. Just very quietly make your plans to leave.

He will not change.

Im so sorry. It’s really tough. Sending you love and strength.

TheCrowFliesWest · 21/04/2025 12:38

EllieEllie25 · 21/04/2025 12:22

You sound amazing OP, you have already achieved so much in really really difficult circumstances. He is a gigantic fool.

💯 agree.

Tassys · 21/04/2025 12:38

OP, if you get this job, I would be encouraging him to apply for jobs abroad.
If he leaves the country and gets a job, whats to stop you getting full custody and divorcing him?

Him leaving and going elsewhere could work in your favour.

LotusFlower24 · 21/04/2025 12:39

Pandoralavella · 21/04/2025 09:33

You’re getting done absolutely terrible advice here imo.

There’s a child involved. You don’t give up on a family at the drop of a hat.

You’ve now got an amazing opportunity to turn your relationship completely around, because you have an insight into your husband’s innermost frustrations and desires.

Many people don’t get this chance, and when the relationship withers away to nothing and their lives are turned upside down they are left dumbstruck.

If you still love him, be as honest as you can be with yourself about the things you could improve.

For example, if he has asked you to find work, then find work. The stress of being the sole financial provider, particularly these days, is no joke. If he’s feeling bored in the relationship, then do some soul searching.

Approach his frustrations with kindness, openness, and genuine curiosity. His private conversations will be exaggerations. They are childish. Still, some part of him feels unloved or unappreciated. Some part of him feels bored.

It’s not all on you, but someone has to be the bigger person and make the first move to improve a situation. Later, it will start being reciprocal.

Don’t direct your energy into feeling sorry for yourself. Direct it instead into making improvements.

Give it a year of solid, earnest effort. Then re-evaluate. Or, if you know deep down that you’ve already done all of this to no avail, then - and only then - it might be time to go.

Edited

Wow..you sound like the narcissistic husband!! 😐

L0UISA · 21/04/2025 12:39

Hummusandcrisps · 21/04/2025 09:35

@DelphiniumBlue we are both uk citizens but I am just changing my temporary permit to a permanent one. I'd only come home to be closer to family but to be honest I think if I could find a permanent contract here I'd be financially better off as the salaries are higher and tax is lower so I'd try to make it work here first and it's my son's home. I also want DH to be in his life, I do genuinely think that is best for DS. DS is also in a great private school that can cater to his needs and it took a while to find a good fit so I'm reluctant to move.

If you want to come back to the Uk, you need to do it now with your husband. Pretend that you want to make a go of it in the UK. It doesn’t matter if he wants to move back to a city you don’t want - just move back into rented accommodation and then once you are settled here you can divorce him.

If you are happy to stay where you are until your child is 18 then that’s fine. But if you split up and your H stays where you are, he can stop you moving back to the UK with your child.

I understand that you want your H to be in your child’s life but you are not listening to him when he says he doesn’t want to see him. I know you’re probably hoping that he’s just saying that when he’s in a bad mood. But I think that’s extremely unlikely- most men at least make a pretence that they want to see their child and that their evil witch of all ex is stopping them.

If your husband is already saying openly that he doesn’t want to see your child, it’s extremely likely that he won’t And there’s nothing you can do to make him .

You need to focus on what you can control and what will make the biggest difference in the long term.

You need legal advice now. Usually you divorce in the county where you are resident, so if the English system works better for you now, you need to move with your H.

You need to focus on these bigger issues and let go all the stuff about his evils mates and the party and what a terrible o person he is. Not because they are minor or they don’t matter - because you have bigger fish to fry right now.

If you are going to get back to the Uk you will need to act soon and start gradually working on him. If you change your mind overnight it will be very suspicious.

You will also need to act all happy families for a while, so don’t tell anyone.

WhichWaytoHere · 21/04/2025 12:43

I wish you the best @Hummusandcrisps . You seem happy & settled in your new country which hopefully makes divorce easier.

My heart breaks for you for your husband's betrayal, as being a trailing wife is the ultimate trust and support. But you don't have to move again.

Hope it will be a weight off you soon.

Sending you love and strength.

ThePerkyEagle · 21/04/2025 12:44

march654 · 21/04/2025 07:11

I would arrange the party and have a slideshow showing all the quotes from his messages on a big screen in front of his friends and their wives. Would be amazing. What an absolutely disgusting man.

This!
What an arse. So sorry you’ve been so betrayed.

IWillAlwaysBeinaClubWithYouin1973 · 21/04/2025 12:52

@Pandoralavella just joined us today to give those pearls of wisdom. Don't let them derail @Hummusandcrisps's thread; I've reported but not sure that will get them removed so I'd say don't quote them anymore.

researchers3 · 21/04/2025 12:53

GeorgianaM · 21/04/2025 07:24

Never admit to seeing the messages on his phone. When you do split up you can say that one of his friends gave you the heads up about the lies he's been telling them all and they decided you should know and you won't disclose the friend as a way of thanking himself

That way he won't trust his friends and they'll all turn on each other and hopefully stop encouraging each other to treat their wives badly and to encourage cheating etc.

Clever. I like this.

PinkyFlamingo · 21/04/2025 12:56

OP he sounds so much like my ex husband, well we're not divorced yet. He left me after 25 years of marriage for so eine else which was a complete shock to me and everyone, he was the devoted Husband in public and everyone thought he worshipped me, I guess he did but behind closed doors his moods could be awful. When you said about yours "he will never be happy" that resonated do much.
I think he would have left me a lot earlier if he had had the confidence . And yes I suspect he is a true narcissist to. After he left I started to find out lots of things I had no idea about, mainly awful stuff he told others about me that just wasn't true.
I am thinking about you so much. It doesn't matter how you found out to.

LotusFlower24 · 21/04/2025 13:01

Hummusandcrisps · 21/04/2025 11:41

@lefthandedcat I need to establish what my options are, whether it is possible to divorce in the UK vs here and which is more favourable. Because it will be a case of who files first and I don't think here is very favourable for me. But also need to ensure that a UK divorce is recognised here.

Please, go and speak to a professional to get some advice about this. The country you are in sounds similar to where I am. I found an English speaking lawyer who gave initial appointments a lot cheaper than I thought it would be. Enough time to go over the basics,ask the important questions. I was advised to file for divorce here because I am a resident here, the UK laws do not apply..even though I got married In UK. They also gave me the facts around finances,custody of children etc. I was under no obligation to make another appointment after the initial one, you can then go away and think about next steps,armed with the basic knowledge you need. You have your job,your friends,sounds like your DC is settled at school. You don't need to stay with this person.

TrickyD · 21/04/2025 13:01

He’s depressed, unemployed and apparently autistic.
Tell him to go and wallow in all these conditions somewhere well away from you. Get shot of him.

MyLittleNest · 21/04/2025 13:02

Sounds like the kind of guy who will find fault no matter what you do. I speak from experience.

If you do go back to work and start contributing financially, he may then say that you don't earn enough, or now you are neglecting the house or DS, etc.

If he is this determined to see you through a negative lens, he will continue to find reasons. Maybe it makes him feel better about himself to put you down or think the worst of you. I don't doubt that this is more about his feelings about himself than about you. Still doesn't make it right or hurt less, though.

I'm so sorry for what you are going through. It's terrible to live with someone who has such an unfair opinion of you.

Shouldbedoing · 21/04/2025 13:05

OP you absolutely must keep quiet and stay put until he's working. He might fancy a spell as SAHD if he sees a financial advantage to himself in a divorce.

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