Read Husbands messages & now devastated

[Hummusandcrisps]

I have been planning a milestone birthday celebration for DH and went on his phone to get some of the numbers of his friends I wanted to invite. When I opened up his whatsapp chat group with his mates I was horrified to find some awful messages about me.

What I read was along the lines of "I'm stuck in a miserable marriage, i wish I could have an affair, but she will take all my money & I wouldn't have anywhere to live or have anyone over, she can keep my son, I just want to keep my money". His friends are complicit in their replies "describing it as a lose lose situation". Another one has said "it wouldn't be so bad if you split up". There's lots of messages about "hot mum friends" and referencing other women and their appearance and romanticising about ex girlfriends, referring to a sliding doors moment and then ending up with me. There's a picture he's taken of a girl he's seen in public and references like she's so hot. It's all really demeaning and disrespectful to me. Once I saw these messages, I went looking for others and I know it was wrong to look but I did. I found messages to friends where DH has lied about me, made up things I've supposedly said, to make me look bad. I've been a SAHM for 5 years and he complains about me not contributing financially to his friends, implies I'm lazy, useless and never do anything etc. I think the hardest part is seeing all his friends complicit in it. There's a level of contempt towards me. It's clear he doesn't see us as equal partners, doesn't value my contribution at home. It's also frustrating because alot of what he's said isn't true. He's controlling a narrative about me which isn't true. I've sat on it for 3 weeks whilst I make a plan to leave. I don't think there's any coming back from this. I haven't confronted him because I know I shouldn't have looked at his phone.

You're not wrong about terrible advice, but that would be your advice. Have you read anything of what @Hummusandcrisps has written? If you have, you need to work on your English comprehension as it is severely lacking.

She doesn't have to tolerate any of her husband's abuse and she certainly doesn't need to 'be the bigger person'. She has already made a huge effort and changes to improve her and her family's situation. She has supported her husband through illness and unemployment and he has lied, belittled and humiliated her.

OP, you have shown strength, courage and resourcefulness. I hope you get your full time post and leave this appalling excuse for a man far behind where he can no longer harm you or your son.

@Mumoftwojune yes I do think some of it is bravado or the bits where he's talking about "hot mums", "hot babysitter" would be his idea of banter. But collectively it's all gross.

I've often thought if he felt something better came along he would leave. But he isn't the catch he thinks he is.

Life with him is very up and down and I know his job and how much he earns is heavily tied to his self worth. When he's doing well he can be pleasant. Now he's unemployed and about to start a job earning a lot less he says he feels worthless, like a failure. But alot of the time is disappointment and depression manifest as anger and its projected on to me. He is still actively trying to pursue "the big job" again and looking overseas without any consideration of me or our son. It's as if he dismisses our feelings & thoughts about it and expects us to just up and leave. I moved here 5 years ago, mid pandemic when I discovered I was pregnant. I lost my job in the pandemic anyway but it's taken alot (of my effort) to establish friends and build a life here.

I agree with this! Then leave. In the meantime do nothing at home, not a thing. Leave him to do it all if he thinks you do nothing!

You are not in the UK so will you be subject to the divorce laws of that country? Just a thought ..................

'I've not been able to discuss it with friends here because he's so nice to everyone, I don't think anyone would believe me.'

Please stop thinking like this. Unfortunately I would believe any of my friend's husbands are not as lovely behind closed doors. You know this really because you wouldn't think somebody was lying to you if the situations were reversed. Your friends care about you and will have your back.

If you switch your perspective, you’re not a fool. You’ve behaved admirably and in good faith.

He’s tried to take you for a fool. But you’ve inadvertently obtained information that means he can’t fool you any longer. That puts you in a powerful position. And you’re being clever with that power. Far from foolish.

On the other hand, they’re weak idiots who know very little about your life. Who gives a shit if they mock you? Why does their opinion matter?

"I've been a SAHM for 5 years and he complains about me not contributing financially"

FFs, if anyone did anything this stupid, it's absolutely ridiculous to believe that anyone present would have the slightest sympathy for them after this performance. It's the one guaranteed way to have everyone there saying "Well, he was right wasn't he." Will people stop with this nonsense. Luckily the OP seems too sensible to dream of following it.

there is no going back OP , you know it . Leave him he is not only out of love for you but he is choosing to be vile about it . He is being horrendous .keep pics of those messages and tell him to f.. off

@lefthandedcat I need to establish what my options are, whether it is possible to divorce in the UK vs here and which is more favourable. Because it will be a case of who files first and I don't think here is very favourable for me. But also need to ensure that a UK divorce is recognised here.

Start learning about narcissistic personality styles pronto OP. If he fits the bill the more you learn, the more you will be able to manage things for you and DC and make informed choices. Dr Ramani on you tube is a great place to start.

If I could wave a magic wand for you right now I’d bring you back home with DC. You will need good support around you. Is there someone you can talk to in real life?

@Hummusandcrisps You’ve achieved so much, you’re so impressive. Learning a new language, retraining, getting a job (in a completely new country, no less!), all while being the main carer and emotional anchor for both your husband and your son. You’ve put their needs ahead of your career to support them. He’s bloody bloody lucky to have had you and yet you say:

“I just feel like he’s diminished me and made me feel worthless, and then all of his friends have jumped in and collectively agreed that being with me must be the worst option.”

That is so sad to read. Objectively, you know his version of events doesn’t reflect reality but it’s so difficult not to internalise criticism from someone who’s supposed to be your closest ally, someone who should know you best.

I would go through his messages forensically. Counter every unfair or untrue statement with your truth. Write it down. This is just for you, unless of course you want to send it to him, his therapist, his friends etc.. The point is, doing this can help you reclaim the narrative for your own sanity and because he has been deeply unfair. Yours is the one to believe and rebuild from.

Were these messages the final straw for you? Or had you already started thinking about leaving? From what you’ve shared, it sounds like you’ve been carrying a huge emotional load. Supporting someone with depression and likely ND is no picnic and he clearly has no concept of what to go for him. But what has he been doing for you in that time?

Has he been supportive of you, or has it always been one-sided? Has he been supportive to your face and dismissive behind your back? Or just consistently indifferent or critical? Both are incredibly painful—either you’ve lived a lie or you’ve been completely unsupported.

People will tell you to leave him—and they’re probably right. Not only because he’s been ungrateful and disrespectful, but because once you’re free from that constant emotional drain, you’ll be able to channel your energy into yourself and your son. And you’ll be so much better off for it in the long run, even if it’s hard in the short term.

I’d recommend speaking to a family solicitor both in your current country and in the UK (assuming you’re still a British citizen or have legal ties). Divorce laws vary significantly across Europe, especially when it comes to finances, child custody, and property. Some jurisdictions are more favourable than others depending on your circumstances, so getting advice in both places will help you decide the best place to file, if you have a choice. If it’s the uk then perhaps file while you’re over for the party. The ultimate birthday gift. 😉

Is your son definitely autistic or has his development been shaped by living with the behaviours your H displays?

@GreenIsMyFavoriteColour as if it's that simple. His problems won't be solved by me going back to work. He will never be happy. His pot of gold will always be the wrong shape. I've spent years jumping through hoops trying to make him happy. If I just do this or that.....but it never works. We bought a flat together.....but it wasn't "big enough". We had a child but "we should have started earlier". I'll get a new job but the "salary won't be enough". He is insufferable. But it will not be my problem.

I never wanted to be a stay at home. But I was made redundant whilst pregnant during lockdown. And my industry was decimated. Combined with caring for my autistic son and mentally ill DH who was incapable of parenting for a long time since our son whilst he recovered. Not to mention not having any childcare until 6 months ago and studying full time whilst holding everything together. And still applying for jobs, learning a language, just not getting anywhere until recently thanks to networking. I wouldn't choose to be a SAHM again, but I didn't choose it last time. It's just the way life worked out. I knew it put me in a vulnerable position but I had limited resources and time to change that until recently.

💐

@TheCrowFliesWest he's definitely autistic. He was diagnosed at 3 after a lengthy assessment but I suspected at 2. He was always different to his friends. It was flagged by his pediatrician at 18 months after I raised my concerns.

Have you taken legal advice re moving? Is your son British?
Difficult as I'm not sure what country you are in but once you get back to the UK I'm not sure there is a lot he could do.

IMHO this is an excellent strategy.

@TheCrowFliesWest yes well his therapist thinks he has narcissistic personality disorder. But she's not qualified to make that assessment. I don't doubt her though. And DH hasn't seen her for 4 months because he didn't like what she had to say to him.

And by that I mean is he going to apply to the courts where you live and go through all court proceedings etc.

I think the betrayal is in the sharing his views - massive betrayal. We are all, I am sure, thinking all sorts of things about our long-term spouses - it did not turn out the way I hoped - what was I thinking? - he is not earning as much as he said he would - gosh, he is so picky - my gosh, where are his blond locks gone - his fat belly - he is so untidy - wow, he is clearly enjoying fishing more than going to the theatre with me, how did I not realise that - the list goes on and on - but for any normal spouse at the end of those thoughts there should be 'how is it that I love him/her so much, despite....(the above failings).

Basically, before he starts saying 'this is his mental health talking/I did not mean that, I think you should leave him even if it will mean worsening of logistic/pragmatic circumstances'.

This is the best reply I've read in a long time. It will make him paranoid and question everything.
Been in a similar situation in a previous relationship however not as insulting.

Hi OP,sorry you are going through this. You sound like a strong person. I've been in a very similar situation to you recently so can understand how you might be feeling. I'm also not in the UK. I spoke to a lawyer here for some advice and it really helped me put my mind at rest and stand up to my H. You'll feel better when informed of your rights in the country you're living in.
Oh my, edited to say..just seen your comment about the narcissistic personality disorder. I think my H has it but never been formally assessed. Very hard to live with someone like that.

OP it sounds like, despite regrets, you’ve done brilliantly. Perhaps your son needed you to be SAHM, or anyway he will have benefitted from it, and you’ve also kept your hand in with work by retraining etc. Men like your H are life-destroyers. To manage to keep things moving forward at all indicates a huge battle against the odds. You will work this out more as you go along. Well done on keeping neutral and above and not getting totally sunk in his sea of loathing. Without the handicap of him your self-esteem and ability to make things happen will soar. Your son sounds well-attached to you and that is also a triumph.

As for your H. He is going to turn into the most petty and tiring enemy you could ever imagine. Be prepared. He will shower you with negative vibes as if he were some kind of oozing swamp monster. I know from experience. Find your light and nourish it. I used to think toxic was a metaphor, now I know better.

This would be epic. Shame the whole bloody lot of them the dirty bastards!
How horrible for OP.