New Partner Wet the Bed

[NewManIssue]

That’s it, basically.

I met someone about a month ago and it has been fantastic really good fun no issues at all, we’ve done absolutely loads together, met friends of each other and an adult child, and have lots of planned.

He came over yesterday afternoon because we were both off work and we went out for a walk had a few drinks. He made us some food. We had a few more drinks and we were both pretty drunk, I will admit.

The morning when I went over to give him a hug as the alarm was about to go off the bed was soaking, I presumed with sweat…no particular smell at this stage.

I left my bed open to air with a view to stripping the sheets after work, however when I went back in there the whole room reeked of urine and there was a huge stain and it has gone through my mattress topper and my mattress is still soaking wet as are the pillows.

I’ve never experienced this before, Although I know it can be something some men do when they are drunk…

I feel like it’s something I need to speak to him face-to-face about which I could probably do tomorrow when he finishes work at about 9:30pm but otherwise I’m unlikely to see him for a few days.

I feel a little awkward. I don’t want him embarrass him however surely it’s not the first time even if this is the first time with me since I’ve known him.

It’s not a dealbreaker initially, however if it’s a regular thing, it’s definitely a dealbreaker. I think I’m just gonna have to say, I had to sleep on the sofa tonight…the bed was still wet and it wasn’t sweat - which we initially assumed…

If anyone can give me any advice or have experienced this, please shout!

Bloody typical it has been going amazingly well, For the first time in my life, I’m with a man who is more keen on me than I am him (guards up still 🤣)

Oh lovely OP. You are such an optimist.
What you know now is…
This has happened before when he has been drinking.
He did suspect that he may have wet the bed in the morning … history +wet bed. But he didn’t check and take action.
Instead he slunk off covered in piss to shower at his own place, left OP to clean up the mess.

Then he laid low… hoping for the best.

His colleagues tell you that the ‘real’ him is someone who sits drinking in the restaurant until the last customer leaves and that he was not such a great guy .

Sorry , sorry sorry and it won’t happen again because I won’t drink 4 pints again don’t cut it.

If you honestly didn’t drink very much then the only way it won’t happen again is for him to not drink at all - and you’ve been told that the real him is a habitual drinker with a stressful job.

You can do better OP honestly…

Also, this is more ephemeral, but the entire relationship as you describe it has an atmosphere of substance misuse. An addictive cycle of chasing the highs and cleaning up the lows and making pretty promises to self and others that it will all be different this time.

Practically, I would suggest slowing way down - only see him once a week at most. This is so you have plenty of time to come down and reorient in your own life between exposures to whatever is so enthralling about being with him. Intoxication vs sobriety.

I'd also backtrack to just friendship.

I would not be going away with him this weekend.

Nope. I don't need another toddler.

Yes, you’d probably be with a partner who didn’t shit on you 🤷🏻‍♀️

i missed the part where he had taken drugs, I saw in the original post he had had a few beers? Maybe he’s on prescription medication, maybe if he’s done a 18 hour shift in the kitchen he sleeps like the living dead.
I remember saying to people that my Dad changed when he met my DSM, he was always a lovely bloke but was a bit of a lost soul when the family split.
He became more interested in life, joined in with hobbies that he probably wouldn’t have done before, tried new things because he had an interest in it because she was interested in it.
They were together for a good 20 years and I’m glad his later years were filled with joy. Maybe the OP bloke has changed by being happier he has someone, more enthusiastic about things now he has someone to share interests with, rather then anything sinister.

How can you possibly not realise you’ve wet yourself, especially if even the pillows are wet!

Hi @NewManIssue - you do sound so lovely!
I am glad you handled this the way you did and I hope this relationship brings you lots of happiness x

I had an ex boyfriend who once peed in the laundry basket during the night, it didn't last. It was actually a massive ick for me. I have no idea if he knew what he was doing or not but I couldn't get past it.

Op i totally agree with this.
Before long his old habits will return

I really wish you well OP, but I think the above is absolutely the reality.

He has an issue, he knows it, and left you to it.

He may be nice and fun but this 100% will not be the last time you are faced with his issues.

Have your fun for sure, enjoy and cultivate the new friendships absolutely, but don't invest emotionally at all, it will be a waste of your time.

The longer you are with him, the more the truth will emerge about his issues, highly likely a high functioning alcoholic.

I would bet money he was already well tanked up before you started drinking with him that night.

I’d be cautious about the drinking, because it sounds like he is a big, big boozer, and I’d be doubtful how much he can ‘change’ in just a month.

Thankyou for the update. I was a previous poster who is of the opinion that would give me the ick.

If you can get past it you're a stronger person than I am. I'm pleased for you that he's apologised and is replacing everything. I'm glad that you've made it clear that a repeat performance is not on. However, that he was aware of the problem makes me wonder (not to mention how drunk he was in the first place for this all to happen) how much of a problem it might be in the first place.

Best of luck.

If the pillows were wet, you would be more likely to think it was sweat.

I think it sounds like a good outcome OP. People on here love a dumping, but they aren’t living your life and just here for the drama. Your approach sounds sensible, you’re not desperate for man, this might work out, it might not. You have your eyes wide open and i’m sure you’ll be cautious. Life is for enjoying and it sounds like this guy makes you happy, whether that’s for the rest of your days, or for a month. Enjoy!!

This.

I'd probably be doing the same as you OP and understand why you are choosing to do what you are. But really think it's this several times over.

Obvs drinking too much

Hi OP

So he is saying this isn't the first time this had happened, he knows what triggers him...but he still did or drank whatever triggers him anyway, then suspected he'd pissed himself, but still did nothing? Did he say why he wasn't already avoiding what he knows his triggers are, before getting in a bed with you?

Like some PP, I'd be a bit concerned that people had noticed a change in behaviour. Not enough to do anything about it, but just to keep an eye out for signs of previous behaviour. As I don't think it's particularly healthy to change habits for someone else, I think when that happens there is often a change back, once the novelty wears off.

Hopefully the bed wetting was a once off though and all goes well

Your approach sounds sensible, you’re not desperate for man

If sticking with a man whom she has only been seeing for 4 weeks, who has knowingly consumed substances that he is aware trigger him to wet the bed, goes on to wet her bed, not acknowledge it, leave it for her to clean up, and only acknowledge it, apologise and make amends when he is confronted, is not ‘desperate for a man’, what exactly would tot consider to be desperation for a man??

A friend’s husband peed straight into the airing cupboard one night when he was drunk! The toilet door and airing cupboard door were adjacent. She heard the noise and when she went to see what he was doing, she realised he was still fast asleep! They are still together, and he has never done it again. Apparently he was mortified.

"I spent 30 years raising three children who are now successful adults and also raising a husband to be a reasonable human being. I think it’s my turn to live my life, and that’s what I intend to do".

But you have a choice here re him and you need a partner, not a project. Ia argue this one is a project. There are links between substance abuse and being a chef; it is a high pressured environment and many chefs do misuse alcohol in order to cope. It is a problem that does indeed plague the restaurant industry.

Wanting to live your life is great but you may well be not seeing its full potential now because of this man. You also remind me of some ladies I have met; all lovely women but with poor boundaries, no real sense of self worth/self esteem and a terrible taste in men. They think their love can save these men from themselves and or make them better people. These are women who love too much.

Why did you raise a H to be a reasonable human being, whatever made that your job?. That is the red flag here to me in the above.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. I am wondering if you are codependent and or have rescuer and or saving tendencies when it comes to relationships. If nothing else I hope I have made you think.

@NewManIssue well done on having a chat with him and showing empathy.

Hope the relationship continues to grow and flourish

I totally agree with this. I'm posting not because I love a dumping or because I want to be negative etc, the OP posted on mn because she wanted to hear opinions presumably. But now she only seems to want to hear opinions that encourage her to let this slide.

I'm posting as someone who has dated several alcoholics before. Dating alcoholics really isn't fun at all and I personally would now run from someone who routinely drank heavily, which it sounds like this guy does. I've been with someone who pissed the bed. It's not fun. The longer you stay the harder it is to leave.

I agree with the quoted poster that he is testing boundaries and seeing what you will put up with. Otherwise if he even suspected it was pee, why on earth didn't he deal with it there and then? If I suspected I had peed in someone else's bed, no way in hell would I just leave it. And if he has previous form for this then he absolutely knew.

For your sake I hope we are somehow wrong OP. But I am posting because you asked for advice, not to try and piss on your bonfire.

He knows what triggers it? So he's obvs done this before. Sounds like my ex husband who was an on off secret alcoholic....well thought no one knew.!
So is it drink that triggers it ?
Well done you for confronting him, everyone deserves a second chance and if you like his company why not.
I can also see you're going to be having lots of mattresses arriving!!!

Maybe I’m too forgiving but I think you have done absolutely the right thing. He was mortified, as we all would be. He’s apologised, paid for new mattress topper and seems decent. Keep an eye obviously for anything else but I think I would forgive and forget unless this becomes regular occurrence. Us ladies of a certain age very often have our own continence issues ( Tena Lady anyone?) all the best for the future x

I’m finding it hard to comment either way because I don’t know what triggers it?