New Partner Wet the Bed

[NewManIssue]

That’s it, basically.

I met someone about a month ago and it has been fantastic really good fun no issues at all, we’ve done absolutely loads together, met friends of each other and an adult child, and have lots of planned.

He came over yesterday afternoon because we were both off work and we went out for a walk had a few drinks. He made us some food. We had a few more drinks and we were both pretty drunk, I will admit.

The morning when I went over to give him a hug as the alarm was about to go off the bed was soaking, I presumed with sweat…no particular smell at this stage.

I left my bed open to air with a view to stripping the sheets after work, however when I went back in there the whole room reeked of urine and there was a huge stain and it has gone through my mattress topper and my mattress is still soaking wet as are the pillows.

I’ve never experienced this before, Although I know it can be something some men do when they are drunk…

I feel like it’s something I need to speak to him face-to-face about which I could probably do tomorrow when he finishes work at about 9:30pm but otherwise I’m unlikely to see him for a few days.

I feel a little awkward. I don’t want him embarrass him however surely it’s not the first time even if this is the first time with me since I’ve known him.

It’s not a dealbreaker initially, however if it’s a regular thing, it’s definitely a dealbreaker. I think I’m just gonna have to say, I had to sleep on the sofa tonight…the bed was still wet and it wasn’t sweat - which we initially assumed…

If anyone can give me any advice or have experienced this, please shout!

Bloody typical it has been going amazingly well, For the first time in my life, I’m with a man who is more keen on me than I am him (guards up still 🤣)

Sorry OP. If he knows what triggers him to piss the bed and didn't avoid the trigger or say anything about it when waking up in a wet bed that is a red flag to me.

Okay I need to come back on this because I’ve told one person in real life about this and have literally said repeatedly I do not expect anyone to change for me if you read back to my update that tells you how he has changed that is nothing to do with me, other than fact we have started dating one another.

I would never ever expect anyone to change for me. I would rather discuss our differences and walk away. That works both ways. what?

He’s changed since he met you…. in a month?
He might be uplifted, in a better mood, feel better about life. But if he’s a heavy drinker and he knew he pissed the bed, he’s done it before and not changed.
Yes, he’s paid to replace things as he should.
But if changes nothing.
I can remember ignoring the first red flag. I got a thousand apologies and felt just like you - it was a fluke, he was lovely, we had so much in common.
Then he descended into addiction.
He may have curbed his drinking for a while, but if he hasn’t stopped, he’s not in control.
He can’t even control his own bladder and he bogged off and left you to deal with it.
You are lovely OP and I wish you well. If he turns this around, then that’s going to be a good thing.
But anyone on MN who has been through similar is not going to encourage you.
You are just beginning to see who he is.

I wouldn't dump him for this and I can't understand the lack of empathy and compassion on here.

Had he done it, knew he had done it and left it deliberately for a woman to clean up, then yes. 100%, but he didn't.

My DH has had c three times now and I have not been well either. If any of you had to do what we have had to do for each other, you wouldn't have coped it seems.

It's urine, not nuclear waste or a horses head in the bed. So long as measures are taken for the future, I can't see the issue.

All this wank about deal breakers and yap. You better all hope you never get ill because someone you love is going to have to change dressings, clean you up and help you out when, if reversed, you would be leaving them??? Nice.

I really love your attitude and take on things OP. I often find people on this site seem to think of things as so cut and dry. You can or you can’t, there’s no in between. And often people who post questions get sucked up in that and seem to lose their ability to think independently.

Fwiw, I think you handled this perfectly and I hope you continue to have a lot of fun with him.

Have you never had friends or family of a new partner say this to you? It’s quite common and normal unlike your response

You must be pretty desperate to give him a second chance, I wouldn’t be able to get past a grown man wetting the bed, especially early on in the relationship.

You sound so lovely OP and as you say, kind and empathetic. These are qualities that attract addicts. They can spot you a mile off and gradually erode your boundaries and self esteem. I have learned this at a cost, the drinking and “accidents” will now be part of your life. It may not happen straight away but he’s tested and apologised and knows you will tolerate his addiction and subsequent consequences

Be gentle? The grown man pissed the bed, didn't apologise and offer to replace the mattress topper and mattress. They're both a write off. Will cost a significant amount to replace and you say be gentle with him?

Fuck that.

I would ditch Mr Pissy Bed. He's a liability and would cost a fortune after a few drinks. He needs to sleep on tarpaulin!

So he has done it before and knows his triggers and did exactly the same thing with zero protection.

Honestly get your new stuff from him and end it. For God's sake don't let this guy back in your bed!

You have just summed up a friend of mine. A lovely lovely person but Jesus her choice of men is horrendous. On the surface they have all seemed nice guys, then the addiction has risen to the surface.

The most interesting part is that he's changed so much since he met you. How so?

Yes and he went along with it. As someone who has experienced night sweats and incontinence You definitely know the difference between the two.

Currently dealing with an alcoholic friend. Well, not dealing as I’ve given up. But the tears and contrition after appalling behaviour are just meaningless when behaviours are repeated.
We all love that feeling when we are told by friends/family how much we have made someone happy. It’s a lovely feeling and I get it.
I would ask him if he were prepared to give up alcohol to stay in the relationship?

I’m another one that has been following the thread and waiting for the update before commenting.
It was an accident, something that happened whilst he was asleep for whatever reason. It’s not great that he didn’t mention at the time it could be urine if he had suspected it was something other than sweat but as there was no odour etc I’m assuming he was naked so no indication on clothing where it had started maybe he was hopelessly clinging onto the fact it was sweat.
i don’t think your desperate, if this is the only thing that happens (and just the once( in an otherwise fulfilling happy relationship, then I don’t really see it as a massive issue.
Continence can be an issue as we age, I hope if I suddenly have an issue, I’m not traded in…

Pee is sterile when it leaves the body. People even drink it. It’s a natural function and unfortunately isn’t always controllable, hence waterproof mattress protectors, incontinence pads etc.
I was a home carer. I had to change many an adult and it’s not just the elderly.

So yeah, he should have said, because he knew…but the OP gave him an out saying it might be sweat.
It’s only human to want to take the out if possible. But that’s a child thing ..adults learn to take responsibility

It’s concerning he could charm her round after so many statements that if he knew, she was done. He knew, but she isn’t done.
I am truly concerned about the changing personality/ habits. People do not change. The only leopard to change/ put on a kitten coat is a narcissist.
He’s lied, he has acted, he's solved a problem instantly with money, he has probably future faked, unless he stops drinking. He’s got her to back track once…he will be confident he can talk her round again.
Sounds dangerous to me and she is nice…ideal prey. Manipulative heaven.

Absolutely. This is what jumped out at me too.
People might say their friend seems happier since meeting a new partner but changed? No.

I'm so happy for you @NewManIssue ! My only regret is that since everything is now soaked cleared up you won't give us any humorous updates. I was laughing out loud and had to explain to my DS 15 why. Got him laughing as well. His take on this (he's autistic and very "innocent") was quite sweet: "Well, if he didn't do it on purpose it's not really his fault." For me the fact that he was embarrassed and immediately ordered a new matress was the Green Light from me.

Enjoy your life OP. You do sound like a wonderful person. Thank you for the laughs:), I would love to have a friend like you.

His colleagues have waved the red flags. You are setting yourself up for a lot of upset OP. You sound lovely and deserve better. This man is a problem drinker. He will deal with life's problems with alcohol. I'm sorry, but you are at the top of a slippery slope,and have started your descent.

No, the common and normal thing for friends and family to say is "he's a lovely guy, so glad he seems happy with you". He's changed so much (in a month, in his 50s) makes you wonder what was wrong with him before and how long the sudden late in life personality change will last once the honeymoon is over.

He pretended embarrassment. He has wet the bed before, and he’d had all day to practice a response if she realised it wasn’t sweat. He ordered a mattress because he had to.

I love the innocence of those who have not dealt with personality disorders. I am always aware of seeing reds under every bed but traits are real and I’m getting red flags on this guy

It sounds you like you handled a difficult conversation beautifully, OP.

more members of staff at his restaurant who told me how much he has changed since he met me
•
I spent 30 years [...] and also raising a husband to be a reasonable human being.

These are both red flags. People tend to revert to their patterns, to what is ingrained, or unresolved, to what feels comfortable and familiar for them. Even when they say they don't want to. Him to whatever nightmare behaviour is causing complete strangers to fall upon you in relief; you to treating a partner as someone you raise along with your children.

Why not enjoy this guy's company while just being friends with him?

I have read the whole thread and I'm still not convinced by him. Deep down I think he knew he'd peed, but you asking about sweat gave him a let off and he thought he could get away with it. It's obviously happened to him before because he made the comment about knowing what triggers it, so he must have suspected. Besides, whether it was sweat or pee, if he'd made the bed that wet then the very least he could have done was strip the sheets off to wash, rather than leave it for you.

His reaction when challenged was good in that he didn't get defensive or angry, but I wonder if that was because you were in his place of work? He wouldn't want you getting angry or upset and potentially saying anything his colleagues could hear after all.

By all means give him a second chance, but please be careful and don't keep forgiving things that happen. From what you've said other posters were right about him being a drinker, and regular drinkers don't always give up that easy - or they reduce intake for while and then creep back to previous levels. I hope he proves me wrong, for your sake OP. Good luck!

A

He did know he had done it and he did leave it for her to clean up.

And come on, there’s a vast, vast difference between caring for a spouse who has an illness and needs assistance with basic ADLs, and dealing with a ‘partner’ of 4 weeks who deliberately indulges in substances (alcohol? Coke? Ketamine?) that he knows are triggers for bed-wetting without taking any precautions, being honest when it happens, cleaning up the mess or voluntarily replacing damaged mattresses etc.

Pretending the two are similar, or those who would not tolerate the latter would not be able to handle the former is disingenuous and makes you look rather silly, tbh.