New Partner Wet the Bed

[NewManIssue]

That’s it, basically.

I met someone about a month ago and it has been fantastic really good fun no issues at all, we’ve done absolutely loads together, met friends of each other and an adult child, and have lots of planned.

He came over yesterday afternoon because we were both off work and we went out for a walk had a few drinks. He made us some food. We had a few more drinks and we were both pretty drunk, I will admit.

The morning when I went over to give him a hug as the alarm was about to go off the bed was soaking, I presumed with sweat…no particular smell at this stage.

I left my bed open to air with a view to stripping the sheets after work, however when I went back in there the whole room reeked of urine and there was a huge stain and it has gone through my mattress topper and my mattress is still soaking wet as are the pillows.

I’ve never experienced this before, Although I know it can be something some men do when they are drunk…

I feel like it’s something I need to speak to him face-to-face about which I could probably do tomorrow when he finishes work at about 9:30pm but otherwise I’m unlikely to see him for a few days.

I feel a little awkward. I don’t want him embarrass him however surely it’s not the first time even if this is the first time with me since I’ve known him.

It’s not a dealbreaker initially, however if it’s a regular thing, it’s definitely a dealbreaker. I think I’m just gonna have to say, I had to sleep on the sofa tonight…the bed was still wet and it wasn’t sweat - which we initially assumed…

If anyone can give me any advice or have experienced this, please shout!

Bloody typical it has been going amazingly well, For the first time in my life, I’m with a man who is more keen on me than I am him (guards up still 🤣)

This. He might have a health problem and be mortified that it's happened - I would be, if I'd had the 'accident' when sleeping with a relatively new partner. I definitely wouldn't want to share a bed with someone that suffered this problem, but I suppose if I was intending to have them as a life partner, I'd maybe look into them having a separate bed to move into after having 'time together', or maybe they could pull on some sort of incontinence pads, or something? There's probably things available, but I suppose it all depends whether you love him and want to find a solution.

This. I've lost count of the number of men who have said "You're a good influence on me" because I've got my shit together. Fuck that. It's such a major red flag. I will now only date someone if they're a good influence on ME or at least on par.

The other enormous red flag is that he knew his trigger for the peeing and yet somehow was not able to manage/control it to prevent it from happening. If you're not able/willing to do that in the presence of a brand new partner then why the fuck would he be likely to be able to control it at any other time? It suggests substance/alcohol misuse that is out of control and he is minimising.

Far too many red flags here OP. Sorry.

Congrats, urine a relationship now.

To me, that's actually a huge red flag. What precisely was wrong with him before, prior to last month, that so many of his friends and acquaintances were pleased to see him change? And why would anybody think the changes would be permanent?

Since the last update I think you are being a fool.
What did he say his trigger was and why did he risk if after only a month ? If I had to guess cocaine? I've seen people piss in bottles in bed while on it gross
What the co workers said about him isn't a compliment... from what you said he seems deceitful. Saying sorry doesn't make something ok.

🤣🤣🤣

I still don't feel we've got to the bottom of it. OP should have said, "If you know of any medical reason why you drowned my bed in urine, speak now or forever hold your pee." 😂

OP, you sound like such a caring, empathetic person, I’m so glad you were able to speak to him about it and that the conversation was productive. I have read your posts and what comes across to me, is that you’re almost apologetic and having to justify your decision making - please don’t. You only get one shot at life, you weren’t expecting this relationship to happen, however in life, fate has a funny way of making things happen. That feeling of enjoying someone’s company so much, the fun, the friendship and the excitement of a new relationship, with someone who actually ticks many boxes is priceless - own it, embrace it. This man made a mistake, and regardless if it’s something that has happened before, for him to be so embarrassed and ashamed (enough to feel that he couldn’t say anything to you) speaks volumes about how he thinks of you in my opinion. Your openness and honesty in approaching this with him, and him with you will be the foundations of your relationship going forward. Enjoy every second!!

I think you've done the right thing, had a conversation, unless theres something you're not telling, such as 'the trigger is a horse sized dose of ket' which he takes regularly... I think you've been fair and he has redeemed himself.

Its a new relationship and saying to someone 'I think I've pissed in your bed' is a tough thing to come out with, particularly if he thought you hadn't realised or indeed, hoped it wasn't the case whilst suspecting it was.

I'd still keep an eye on him, but I also think if we bin off all the humans in the world who would be embarrassed and reluctant to bring something like this up, we'd all be isolated by ourselves!

I hope he bought you a decent mattress op. Most people are very particular and they can cost a lot of money as you don’t want any old thing.

Obviously he peed while he was asleep so I’m not sure I would trust that he wouldn’t do it again especially if he is a drinker and you both enjoy yourselves on a night out. How will he control it? I know you said he knows the trigger but if it’s alcohol, is he going to stop drinking? What about when you go away to a hotel on the weekend?

Thank you so much. I’m reading the thread from the bottom up and this is such a lovely response compared to the ones that I read earlier from the top down.

I’m not an idiot, but my God over the last five years I have kissed some frogs..!

For the first time in my life, I have no expectations of this relationship. I am going with the flow (Hopefully, it won’t be a flow of urine!!) And enjoying life.

I’m not an idiot. He absolutely deserves another chance, but he is also very aware that this is it.

For those who asked, he has replaced my mattress with the exact same one as I’ve only had it since December

Update is concerning. Surely to goodness if there was ONE TIME to put some effort into controlling your triggers for bedwetting it would be when sleeping in the bed of a new partner.

If he isn’t motivated to do it now, why the soggy bollocks will he be motivated to do it when he is comfortable?

What was pre-change him like? And why, if he knew he woke up is a drenched bed, after consuming the very thing that has made him soak beds in the past, did he just walk away and let you clean up his disgusting mess? “she doesn’t know so it’s ok?” What else will be ok until you know?

I have literally had my mattress since December, so he ordered the exact same one.

And then ordered me the pillows and topper that I had previously ordered from a national chain.

It took about five minutes.

I think people think I’m a very naive desperate to be with somebody 50 something Woman. My guards are completely up. I am enjoying this person and his friends company. We have a lot in common but if it dies in a month I have had nothing to lose but I will have had a few months of really good fun and made some new friends outside of this relationship.

For those asking how he has changed, He used to sit in the restaurant until the last customer had gone drinking and now he literally clears up and leaves. They’ve all said he seems really happy and calm and generally more relaxed.

Anybody could scrutinise those changes and pick them apart, but I have no reason to.

I also don’t understand why every person that I date or go out and have fun with at my age (50s)has to be the person I’m going to settle down and retire with. Can’t I just have somebody that’s great fun, Introduces me to social opportunities I wouldn’t have otherwise and people/New friends, that I wouldn’t have otherwise made?

Maybe those luxuries are only reserved for people 30 years younger me but I’m sorry you’re wrong🤣 I’m not dead and I intend to live my life.

You sound like a mature, sensible woman, OP. You took in the opinions on this thread and made a decision that feels right to YOU, as you should.

Going with the flow! 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

I'm sorry, it's late here, I'm over-tired, and ripe for a fit of the giggles!

I’ve been on Mumsnet for 25 years - I’m allowed a sense of humour. This place is a bed Of vipers at times that’s all I meant.

And as for your other comment about my humorous remarks about the situation there is comedy in everything, As somebody said earlier, if you didn’t laugh, you would cry and I am probably the most relaxed and empathetic person you could meet(apparently). But I do have sense of humour. I was very kind how I dealt with him tonight, because that is just my nature, however as I’ve also said as much fun as he is, as much as we have connected so well, It’s early days and if something goes wrong, then I can walk away as a mature adult and strike it down to a period in my life that didn’t continue

Oh my goodness, thank you so much for such a lovely response. Very levelheaded and thank you for the compliments. It’s just the person I am.

I have actually ordered the bamboo waterproof bed protectors that were recommended very early in the thread, I am postmenopausal but night sweats last for a long time, even if they’re not regular so that’s something for all you young ones to look forward to🤣

i’m at the stage of life where I don’t have any expectations as to where this relationship is going what I am doing is grasping my life in both hands, taking opportunities to have fun and new adventures. I spent 30 years raising three children who are now successful adults and also raising a husband to be a reasonable human being. I think it’s my turn to live my life, and that’s what I intend to do.

As I’ve said before, I wasn’t particularly looking for a relationship, This person is someone I met by chance who I connected with very easily and vice versa - if it doesn’t work out it doesn’t work out no hearts will be broken!

thank you again @PlayingDevilsAdvocateisinteresting🙂

I’m thrilled that you RTFT To see how we met and how UNdesperate I am to have a partner.

I am just gonna say before I go to sleep thank you so much for all your responses both positive and negative.

for those of you that think I’m foolish for entertaining this man any further you are entitled to your opinions. I’m not a silly desperate woman. I am a mature woman who just wants to have new people in her life and if I need to walk away from him, I absolutely can.

And for those of you Who have found it distasteful that I can find humour in this situation then you’re probably not my people because there is humour to be found everywhere and I’m not laughing at him. I’m laughing at the situation that I’ve got myself in. I am very very kind and empathetic, and he will have felt that tonight when I spoke to him about the situation.

I hope you all have a wonderful bank holiday weekend, I intend to! I’m hoping there are no more “interesting” updates to offer but if there are I will.

Again, thank you all for your input. There has definitely been post that I have needed to read for various reasons. I will probably disappear back into the background under my normal username after this!

Well done OP, you have taken control of the situation and made a mature decision. Hopefully your gambit pays off and the two of you continue to have fun together.
His response sounded sincere and appropriate which is promising, although granted the triggers comment and what his friends said should warrant you being on your guard for any other potential signs of an alcohol problem. But you're clearly sensible and knows this already.
If he fooks up again and he turns out to be another frog then chest la vie, you've not lost anything and you've gained a slightly newer mattress and an interesting story for your girlfriends, which I'm sure you will tell with the warmth and humour you've demonstrated here with us.
Best of luck x x x

I hope he ordered a waterproof mattress protector, too.

Im glad you are feeling sorted but I got a trigger in the sentence about you having changed him and ‘he talks about me all the time and they can see a difference in him. ‘
And that he knows what causes it..it’s happened before, so he knew.
See his contrition etc as an act.

I would not rush to have confidence in this relationship now. Please be wary.
Such personality changes do not last. It’s a sign that he is mirroring you. He is trying to be different for you. It’s the same indicator of the early love bombing stage of a narcissistic predator. Actually, the drinking is a symptom of such a personality, too, if taken with other symptoms, not as a stand-alone.

The bed wetting occurrence itself is not a deal breaker. I’ve been too close a couple of times myself. Not even drunk. Or drinking. Just dreaming I need to pee and going to the loo in what feels like reality. Fortunately, I’ve woken up as I’m supposed to. Brain warning me but I do believe a drunken stupor might reduce the chance of actually waking up, and peeing believing I’m awake and in the bathroom. I have a dread now and get up several times in the night to be sure lol.

But I am seriously concerned that he knows what triggers it…suggesting he’s pretending shock horror

and even more about what his friends and colleagues are saying. About change in him brought about by you. That is scary to me. I had the same reactions from his friends with my now ex. I thought it was a good sign. It wasn’t. He was a monster in disguise.

Take care and watch for more red flags..

I am normally straight to LTB, my patience with men is cigarette paper thin. BUT I think this guy does seem genuine and nice and certainly does deserve a second chance. I am happy you are giving him that.

Less than 24 hours ago you said rest assured if there is any inkling that he knew it happened or that he knew it could potentially happen, I am walking away without a backward glance, it transpired that he knew it had happened, and knew it could potentially happen, yet didn’t avoid the known trigger, yet not only are you not ‘walking away without a backward glance’, you are running towards more of the same and adapting your behaviour (buying the waterproof protector) instead of expecting him to adapt his by avoiding the triggers. But you keep telling yourself you’re not desperate for a man. To use an overused MN phrase, this is fucking grim. How low your standards are, it’s actually sad.

People saying his response sounds sincere… actions speak louder than words! He knew he pisses the bed, he knows the triggers for it but doesn’t care, wakes up in a puddle of liquid but lets OP think it is sweat?! Only when she confronts him and explains how she knew - because of the smell - does he apologise. He apologised because he had no way out. This doesn’t make any of it ok, it is a rotten attitude to do what he did.
His colleagues saying “he has changed since he met OP” - red flag - she thinks she is going to change him. Please. How bad must he have been before for colleagues to even comment! Clearly he has not changed as he is still pissing beds and trying to get away with it.

Yes I agree it’s the not saying anything