New Partner Wet the Bed

[NewManIssue]

That’s it, basically.

I met someone about a month ago and it has been fantastic really good fun no issues at all, we’ve done absolutely loads together, met friends of each other and an adult child, and have lots of planned.

He came over yesterday afternoon because we were both off work and we went out for a walk had a few drinks. He made us some food. We had a few more drinks and we were both pretty drunk, I will admit.

The morning when I went over to give him a hug as the alarm was about to go off the bed was soaking, I presumed with sweat…no particular smell at this stage.

I left my bed open to air with a view to stripping the sheets after work, however when I went back in there the whole room reeked of urine and there was a huge stain and it has gone through my mattress topper and my mattress is still soaking wet as are the pillows.

I’ve never experienced this before, Although I know it can be something some men do when they are drunk…

I feel like it’s something I need to speak to him face-to-face about which I could probably do tomorrow when he finishes work at about 9:30pm but otherwise I’m unlikely to see him for a few days.

I feel a little awkward. I don’t want him embarrass him however surely it’s not the first time even if this is the first time with me since I’ve known him.

It’s not a dealbreaker initially, however if it’s a regular thing, it’s definitely a dealbreaker. I think I’m just gonna have to say, I had to sleep on the sofa tonight…the bed was still wet and it wasn’t sweat - which we initially assumed…

If anyone can give me any advice or have experienced this, please shout!

Bloody typical it has been going amazingly well, For the first time in my life, I’m with a man who is more keen on me than I am him (guards up still 🤣)

H and I aren't generally very talkative anymore but since I mentioned this thread to him earlier we've been speculating about the surprise night away on Sunday. Possibly planned to 'app peas' you? It's going to sound like we've had a bit of fun at your expense but I'm feeling a bit uneasy about your flippancy.

Since you seem to have a great sense of humour, and H and I have been having a bit of a giggle, we've been re-hashing a very old joke and it fits with the chef theme - something along the lines of surprise peas (pees) and chapped knees. H said much earlier on in the day that your 'surprise' night away might include a request for a less surprise version of being urinated on - apparently some men find it 'app pee ling'. I once read a book about a very talented surgeon who paid his cleaner to allow him to pee on her - it was a 'power' thing. Made him feel superior. Turned out he was just a serial (cereal) killer. (Sorry - for food and urine jokes.)

I do love how you're approaching this (I think it's awful, H thinks it's funny) situation. I'm absolutely not saying he did this on purpose but I cannot find it accidental considering the 'triggered' development.

Joking and puns aside - please be careful. I'm not getting a good vibe.

I don't even really care about the pee..

But "changed since he met you" is a red flag to me. What was he like prior as people generally revert back once comfortable.

I know your post is an attempt at humour, but we've now had 31 pages consisting of high school humour at his expense. It's getting old now.

Based on OPs updates and what their relationship was like leading up to it, I genuinely feel sorry for him. I think putting this behind them is the reasonable course of action here. The OP is on guard for any adverse drinking behaviour from here on in.

If anyone is giving off "bad vibes" I'd say it was the OP for some of her unusual comments and scoffing at her own/her DP's situation. Not the primary response to someone you allegedly think a lot of.

rest assured if there is any inkling that he knew it happened or that he knew it could potentially happen, I am walking away without a backward glance

So he both knew it happened and that it could potentially happen and still no backward glance...

OP, please tell me that at least - AT LEAST - you're going to have a rubber sheet on your mattress from now on.

My grandma brought one for my grandad when they stayed, as they were in their eighties.

Go Slow

Go cautious

Prepare to bail

There is so much to deal with, you haven't told MN the trigger, but he knew & did nothing about it.

The whole issue is that it was a known problem to him & he let it happen and left it as your problem.

My only experience of adult bedwetting was one of DH's relatives, a woman of 50-ish who was extremely fond of her drink.She stayed with us, became completely bladdered and soaked the bed, without telling us. Alcohol would be my worry here too.
I still would love to know how men react when a woman ejaculates and soaks the bed during sex...do they find it gross too?

So he knows what triggers it. So drinking I assume ?

i would want to know what the trigger is so you know - you don’t need to tell mn - more for your own mind

I guess everyone deserves a second chance

he’s replacing the mattress etx

so guess see how it goes

i can only imagine he was wankered to 1) do it - if it it booze

but more 2) to not releise and wake up while weeing - like the average person would

3. to releise in am what had happened

Please, before I switch of my lights, take a minute to evaluate your sense of humour at someone else's expense when they are genuinely hurting. OP has taken the bigger stance & is willing to give this man a second chance. It's good your finding common ground to strengthen your relationship but don't forget to consider there are people hurting here & they deserve support.

I've heard it said that bedwetting can be triggered by alcohol, constipation, and caffeine. I'm glad things are resolved @NewManIssue . No I'm not going to hurl abuse at you, he seems genuinely remorseful and knows how to stop it happening in future. A waterproof sheet on the bed can really help in case (even despite his best efforts to deal with the triggers) it happens again.

Hell would freeze over before I'd put a waterproof sheet on my bed for a man I'd known a month. Have some bloody standards women!

In fact, putting a waterproof sheet is almost like accepting it will happen again. Dear oh dear oh dear.

What did he say triggers it?

So there's a trigger he is aware of.
He knew the trigger had been reached.
He wet the bed. Your bed.
He left you to clean up.

Him buying you a new mattress and bedding is the least he should do.

I can only imagine a rubber sheet means you'll be swimming in it. Urgh.

@SquashedMallow

Ever heard of fight fire with fire?

High school humour aside. People mirror others as a way of approaching things from their point of view.

He has a serious problem which makes him incontinent, triggered by things that he is aware of, which he does not take responsibility for.

OP has been duped by him (by his omission to be open and honest with her) and placated by his friends.

She can't see the red flags for the trees.

I still feel uneasy.

It depends if his trigger is simply drinking too much alcohol or caffeine as opposed to a medical or psychiatric issue. If it's something he can control them yes, I think your response is reasonable . It's just that we don't know for sure . Though alcohol does seem likely.

I myself have some daytime and occasional nightime issues with overactive bladder and therefore "accidents." It's a genuine condition BUT I have worked out that in my case it's 90% lifestyle related when I have a flare up. I tend to rely on caffeine a bit too much! . So I know I can control it. I appreciate that not everybody can. When I first started suffering it was due to UTIs, but I don't get them anymore so I don't think it's that now. Ok, too much information!

Yes he's done this before if he knows there is a trigger.

@NewManIssue I have been following this thread, but wanted to see how your partner would react when you questioned him, before I felt as if there was anything worthwhile that I could add.

I don't think I have got much to add to all the other "advice" you have been given, but as you can see, I am replying anyway! To start with I want to thank you for being both a lovely, and a reasonable human being. Unfortunately, we need far more people like you, and far less judgemental and negative people like the ones we find far to frequently on here, and very sadly, in our daily lives too.

I am so thankful that you are/were strong enough to resist all the Mumsnetters who were trying to tell you what you must/should do, as people like you OP give me hope that there may really be enough good people still alive on this planet to mean that my - and I am sure millions of other people's - hope for humanity surviving our present day catastrophes, and going forward into some sort of healthy and positive future, actually does have a reasonably good chance of truly happening.

For what it is worth - which is maybe nothing - I think that your partner sounds both genuine and lovely. His reaction when you talked about him peeing the bed the other night, seemed very honest to me, and a very natural reaction to expect from a mortified and relatively new, close friend. As you said yourself, you are still getting to know him, and if necessary, you can re-think - at any time - about whether you want to continue with your relationship or not. You quite rightly (imo) pointed out that you are not a love sick teenager who will fall for his false charms and wicked ways!

I would just like to add to this, probably already over long post, that as an almost bedridden disabled woman in my latish 60's, that modern waterproof mattress protectors, neither make one feel hot and uncomfortable, or make you sweat more - my mattress survived both the peri and post menopausal hot flushes, and since the worsening of my disability, the occassional accidental peeing in my sleep, by having a good quality waterproof mattress protector on it.

Even if you do break up with this gentleman, I would still advise the protector, as unfortunately the more we age, the more likely we are to have the occassional accident, even if we don't have a disability! Have a lovely life OP 💐🍫🍷🫖

They said he’s changed since you’ve known him? You’ve known him a month. He knows what triggers it but he did whatever it was anyway and slept in your bed? Sorry but you are desperate

You spoke to him after work tonight and he's already ordered you a new mattress, topper and pillows?

Had he gone ahead and ordered it before you even spoke to him?
In which case I guess he was trying to make amends before speaking to you, perhaps? But if so it's odd that he didn't check first.
Or
Did he whip out his phone there and then and order it after you spoke to him? Paying cash online and ordered, confirmed delivery there and then?

Are you sure it's the right type to replace yours?

Did he check with you before he went ahead and ordered all this, because it's a sizeable amount to spend? Or had you already sent him the details before meeting up?

We've recently bought a new mattress. You can order on line if you know exactly what you want. But it was time consuming searching around for best prices, picking from the different firmness/type/materials options. There was a lot of fiddle faddle whilst they checked it was in stock, and picked out the topper and pillows. They had to ask their depot to confirm available dates. Sorting the interest free credit etc.

Exactly. Something doesn’t sound right. Did you not want to approve the choice of mattress, topper and pillows?

Well, it’s good if he has ordered replacements but the fact that he let you believe it was sweat instead of owning up and dealing with the piss immediately is a huge red flag in my eyes. If he can lie about this, he can lie about anything.

I personally would be grateful for this warning of his character in a month long relationship and dump him, but I wish you luck of him.

Sometimes we do something and we're so completely mortified that we don't know what to do and sort of become paralysed. You assumed it was sweat and he was so ashamed he decided to go with it. He's human, he made a mistake but it doesn't make him a monster. Your update suggests he is a nice person who didn't know what to do. I don't think you need to bin him ASAP.

Chef?

I’d be willing to bet the trigger is cocaine.

I don’t like the thing about him changing since he met you, either. I’d be wondering how much of a twat he’s going to be once the novelty wears off.

I’d throw this one back.

I agree with pps “changed since he’s met you” is another red flag IME. Be careful op.