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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

New Partner Wet the Bed

1000 replies

NewManIssue · 15/04/2025 21:55

That’s it, basically.

I met someone about a month ago and it has been fantastic really good fun no issues at all, we’ve done absolutely loads together, met friends of each other and an adult child, and have lots of planned.

He came over yesterday afternoon because we were both off work and we went out for a walk had a few drinks. He made us some food. We had a few more drinks and we were both pretty drunk, I will admit.

The morning when I went over to give him a hug as the alarm was about to go off the bed was soaking, I presumed with sweat…no particular smell at this stage.

I left my bed open to air with a view to stripping the sheets after work, however when I went back in there the whole room reeked of urine and there was a huge stain and it has gone through my mattress topper and my mattress is still soaking wet as are the pillows.

I’ve never experienced this before, Although I know it can be something some men do when they are drunk…

I feel like it’s something I need to speak to him face-to-face about which I could probably do tomorrow when he finishes work at about 9:30pm but otherwise I’m unlikely to see him for a few days.

I feel a little awkward. I don’t want him embarrass him however surely it’s not the first time even if this is the first time with me since I’ve known him.

It’s not a dealbreaker initially, however if it’s a regular thing, it’s definitely a dealbreaker. I think I’m just gonna have to say, I had to sleep on the sofa tonight…the bed was still wet and it wasn’t sweat - which we initially assumed…

If anyone can give me any advice or have experienced this, please shout!

Bloody typical it has been going amazingly well, For the first time in my life, I’m with a man who is more keen on me than I am him (guards up still 🤣)

OP posts:
nomas · 16/04/2025 16:24

BoldAmberDuck · 16/04/2025 14:54

Hardly destroyed it! It can all be cleaned

Show quote history

You can’t clean 5 pints of piss from a mattress. It’s sunk deep in.

Growlybear83 · 16/04/2025 16:25

nomas · 16/04/2025 16:24

You can’t clean 5 pints of piss from a mattress. It’s sunk deep in.

Show quote history

😮😮😮 Good god! How much do you think this man drank?

Jill030619 · 16/04/2025 16:27

Id wait an see if it was just a one off. I've been through the same and he did it every tike he drank. He was so controlling so i got some courage and wiped the wet duvet in his face one day.

nomas · 16/04/2025 16:29

Growlybear83 · 16/04/2025 16:25

😮😮😮 Good god! How much do you think this man drank?

Show quote history

🤣

OP said 5 pints, but I appreciate that doesn’t mean 5 pints of piss 🤣

OtterInABlueTie · 16/04/2025 16:29

BunnyLake · 16/04/2025 15:31

When I was that age (maybe a bit younger) I also used to wet the bed and hide it. I was just too embarrassed, ashamed and timid (I was a ridiculously timid child) but thankfully my mum was always kind about it (which was ironic as she was a smacker). I did stop (I used to sleep so deeply I actually believed I was getting up and going to the loo). This was the 60s. Grown men of course shouldn't be hiding it like a child though.

Show quote history

Thanks for this . I wasn't a bedwetter thankfully . I had a parent who I was scared of, he did pick on me for other things (my weight, making mistakes in my schoolwork, forgetting things or being slow) and could be terrifying when he was angry. If I made a mistake I would start shaking and honestly considered suicide at times once in my teens after one of his outbursts at me. It.sounds ridiculous and melodramatic but I would shake all over and get dizzy. I'm having therapy now for Complex trauma which I think may be linked to that and some other things. It's caused me to have a lot of frustration towards people who I feel just don't stick up for themselves and just sit there and take it, so I don't always come across as the most empathetic. Maybe that's why @SquashedMallow

TheGaaTheSkaAndTheRa · 16/04/2025 16:31

NewManIssue · 16/04/2025 14:26

Thank you This is my natural instinct, but the amount of posters saying how ridiculous I am being is a little overwhelming tbh.

I will not be as crass as I stated upthread, it was a little tongue in cheek BUT I also don't want to witter on so he has chance to think up some lame excuse.

All I can do is see what he says at this stage. And makeup my spare bed 😉

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I wouldn't dump him for this if I liked him. I would make arrangements for it to not be an issue but if he was otherwise a 100% or close on, them no, I would not dump him.

WiddlinDiddlin · 16/04/2025 16:32

@BoldAmberDuck You really can't clean piss out of a mattress.

Even a small amount on the surface, once you wet it to wash it, you send it deeper in.

Urine crystals are humectant, they attract moisture, so once in there they will re-activate, stinking of piss, every time its a humid day, someone sweats in the bed etc etc.

The only way to get it out is to flush through with enough water and detergent that they are completely washed out - that is impossible for most people to achieve, so mattresses with piss on need binning.

Original poster
NewManIssue · 16/04/2025 16:34

nomas · 16/04/2025 16:29

🤣

OP said 5 pints, but I appreciate that doesn’t mean 5 pints of piss 🤣

Show quote history

Oh I dont know....😷

OP posts:
Growlybear83 · 16/04/2025 16:35

nomas · 16/04/2025 16:29

🤣

OP said 5 pints, but I appreciate that doesn’t mean 5 pints of piss 🤣

Show quote history

I had visions of a man with world record breaking bladder capacity 😆😆

lindyloo57 · 16/04/2025 16:38

My ex husband used to do this, ( thats not why we split up) I think he was offered a small operation to put things right but he declined

TheGaaTheSkaAndTheRa · 16/04/2025 16:38

You can't ever get rid of the smell of urine though so the whole mattress has to go. It would be better if it was shit quite honestly and at least that way OP wouldn't feel on the fence about it as no normal dude is going to shit in bed and leave without saying anything.

BoldAmberDuck · 16/04/2025 16:44

nomas · 16/04/2025 16:24

You can’t clean 5 pints of piss from a mattress. It’s sunk deep in.

Show quote history

Obviously it’s not 5 pints of urine! A bladder does not hold that much anyway

ThisFluentBiscuit · 16/04/2025 16:45

SquashedMallow · 16/04/2025 14:47

So you're suggesting: a man that's stayed over half a dozen times and never done this before , with no other red flags , should simply be "ghosted"for being a potential "abuser"

Welcome to Mumsnet !

Edited
Show quote history

Even if it was a medical issue, the fact that he ignored it and left OP to clean up is a MASSIVE red flag. And abuse doesn't start right away.

SplendidUtterly · 16/04/2025 16:47

Nobody pisses the bed and doesn't realise what has happened when they wake up.

nomas · 16/04/2025 16:48

Growlybear83 · 16/04/2025 16:35

I had visions of a man with world record breaking bladder capacity 😆😆

Show quote history

Hahaha, although it sounds like it was a lot. Enough that it can’t be sponged off.

ThisFluentBiscuit · 16/04/2025 16:48

5128gap · 16/04/2025 15:48

There are men you can safely sleep next to without waking up in a urine drenched bed. Where you wouldn't have to worry about constant washing, replacing of bedding and whether you could stay in a hotel or your friends house with him and have a few drinks. In fact I'd venture to suggest that these men are the majority. Yes, even if they're 50 plus! Who knew..?!
This is true even if they have a 'medical condition', because people with medical incontinence typically take precautions. So why, in the wide world would anybody think the OP should be putting down pads in the bed and similar, just to hang on to this particular man, who she's known a month?
I genuinely don't understand this thinking that women should jump through hoops to find a way to make relationships work with men with such huge flaws.

Hear hear!

God, I'd a million times rather be single than put up with a fraction of the shit that some people put up with in their relationships. I'm single after a divorce and it's the best thing ever. No idea why people are so afraid of it.

ThisFluentBiscuit · 16/04/2025 16:50

lunaswand · 16/04/2025 15:53

I feel quite sorry for the guy he will be feeling absolutely mortified if he's even aware what's happened.

Obviously feel worse for OP but see what he says & his reaction, you get a gauge on it straight away i'm sure.

The bed was soaked. He absolutely knew. And why do you feel sorry for him, when he let OP clean up his mess?

It's OP I feel sorry for.

Lorlorlorikeet · 16/04/2025 16:52

HeatherMac007 · 16/04/2025 14:38

God forbid you ever age or have an accident!
I clearly also said she explain to him that he needs to do any future cleaning up and also that he needs to go get checked out. But if it is a health issue it can take time to get seen and sorted, especially with our current health system so she might want to consider what she can do to help in the meantime. However if he refuses to apologise, clean up in future and get checked out and the behaviour continued then yes, then I would consider it a deal breaker. not after a single isolated incident though, if the relationship had been otherwise great.
Jeso, when did it stop being ok for men to be human and mess up occasionally?!? Or must they be 100% perfect at all times or shown the door?

Show quote history

He pissed her bed, lied about it and didn’t clean it up.

And you’d think “that’s ok, you only ruined my mattress once and didn’t clean it up, I’d love it if you came over to stay again 😍”.

We’re very different people, you and I.

squirrelspatchcock · 16/04/2025 16:54

HeatherMac007 · 16/04/2025 14:19

You like this guy, he got drunk and weed the bed. Its gross but doesn't have to be the end of the world. He's 50 could be a prostate issue. I wouldn't say this is a huge red flag tbh, just an unfortunate accident.
Him not owning up and helping you clean up however is a potential issue.
If this were me and I really liked the guy, id chalk it up to him being embarrassed on this occasion but also just be totally honest with him. Explain you realised it was pee. Be empathetic and understanding. Ask if it had happened before and that it might be worth a prostate check with doc. Explain in a non judgemental way that if it happened again you'd expect him to clean it up but that you'd hope he'd get it checked out in order to order chances of any recurance. Ask what you can do to help? Perhaps pads down if you guys have been drinking?
We're animals and when we age sometimes our facilities stop working as well as the had. I wet myself a few times when pregnant and I'm so glad my husband didn't seem it reason to dump me like some responses here suggest!

Yes I agree with this 100%. Good luck with your conversation later.

Original poster
NewManIssue · 16/04/2025 16:55

@ThisFluentBiscuit I have been divorced 5 years and very happily single for most of those, most recently for over a year. In that time I have changed jobs, relocated, thrown myself into a new life that I love and happened to meet this guy, not on a dating site etc just doing an activity we both enjoy, no not watersports!! I love the freedom of being single but I am not and never have been closed to the idea of another relationship it just hasn't been a priority.

As I have said at least half a dozen times I want to speak to him, hopefully have my damaged goods replaced and if that's all he warrants then that's it.

OP posts:
ThisFluentBiscuit · 16/04/2025 16:57

I'm skimming this thread including OP's updates because it's just so disgusting that I can't stomach all the details, but I do like some of the comments. Holidaying in Tena Reef! 😂

mumda · 16/04/2025 16:57

@NewManIssue Could he have taken something else?

Original poster
NewManIssue · 16/04/2025 16:58

WiddlinDiddlin · 16/04/2025 16:32

@BoldAmberDuck You really can't clean piss out of a mattress.

Even a small amount on the surface, once you wet it to wash it, you send it deeper in.

Urine crystals are humectant, they attract moisture, so once in there they will re-activate, stinking of piss, every time its a humid day, someone sweats in the bed etc etc.

The only way to get it out is to flush through with enough water and detergent that they are completely washed out - that is impossible for most people to achieve, so mattresses with piss on need binning.

See - my daughter's puppy peed on my old mattress - raced upstairs, we didn't realise at the time as she came trotting right back down but there was a HUGE puddle right in the middle - lucky me - I had it shampooed and it really did not ever small again.

OP posts:
HeatherMac007 · 16/04/2025 16:58

NewManIssue · 16/04/2025 16:55

@ThisFluentBiscuit I have been divorced 5 years and very happily single for most of those, most recently for over a year. In that time I have changed jobs, relocated, thrown myself into a new life that I love and happened to meet this guy, not on a dating site etc just doing an activity we both enjoy, no not watersports!! I love the freedom of being single but I am not and never have been closed to the idea of another relationship it just hasn't been a priority.

As I have said at least half a dozen times I want to speak to him, hopefully have my damaged goods replaced and if that's all he warrants then that's it.

"not watersports" 😂 sometimes if you don't laugh you'll cry x

ThisFluentBiscuit · 16/04/2025 16:59

Great, after looking at this thread I now need a wee. Perfect.

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