New Partner Wet the Bed

[NewManIssue]

That’s it, basically.

I met someone about a month ago and it has been fantastic really good fun no issues at all, we’ve done absolutely loads together, met friends of each other and an adult child, and have lots of planned.

He came over yesterday afternoon because we were both off work and we went out for a walk had a few drinks. He made us some food. We had a few more drinks and we were both pretty drunk, I will admit.

The morning when I went over to give him a hug as the alarm was about to go off the bed was soaking, I presumed with sweat…no particular smell at this stage.

I left my bed open to air with a view to stripping the sheets after work, however when I went back in there the whole room reeked of urine and there was a huge stain and it has gone through my mattress topper and my mattress is still soaking wet as are the pillows.

I’ve never experienced this before, Although I know it can be something some men do when they are drunk…

I feel like it’s something I need to speak to him face-to-face about which I could probably do tomorrow when he finishes work at about 9:30pm but otherwise I’m unlikely to see him for a few days.

I feel a little awkward. I don’t want him embarrass him however surely it’s not the first time even if this is the first time with me since I’ve known him.

It’s not a dealbreaker initially, however if it’s a regular thing, it’s definitely a dealbreaker. I think I’m just gonna have to say, I had to sleep on the sofa tonight…the bed was still wet and it wasn’t sweat - which we initially assumed…

If anyone can give me any advice or have experienced this, please shout!

Bloody typical it has been going amazingly well, For the first time in my life, I’m with a man who is more keen on me than I am him (guards up still 🤣)

Once dried it was clearly urine - yellow stain and strong stench.

I was being a little flippant earlier in my choice of words - @Jane958 and @TrainGame - I am a very compassionate person, that may change depending on his response. We have spent a lot of time together, he has stayed over about half a dozen times, we always stay here as I have a pet. I am not about to go sniff his bed 😳I does sweat but this was really not sweat, I DID try wash the mattress topper - epic fail - too big for my 9KG machine even and is not in the bin!

You sure it wasn't sweat? It can sometimes smell like pee, especially after consuming alcohol.....I'm a sweaty sleeper, cute I know, and the amount of "piss stained" pillows I've binned over the years is embarrassing

You like this guy, he got drunk and weed the bed. Its gross but doesn't have to be the end of the world. He's 50 could be a prostate issue. I wouldn't say this is a huge red flag tbh, just an unfortunate accident.
Him not owning up and helping you clean up however is a potential issue.
If this were me and I really liked the guy, id chalk it up to him being embarrassed on this occasion but also just be totally honest with him. Explain you realised it was pee. Be empathetic and understanding. Ask if it had happened before and that it might be worth a prostate check with doc. Explain in a non judgemental way that if it happened again you'd expect him to clean it up but that you'd hope he'd get it checked out in order to order chances of any recurance. Ask what you can do to help? Perhaps pads down if you guys have been drinking?
We're animals and when we age sometimes our facilities stop working as well as the had. I wet myself a few times when pregnant and I'm so glad my husband didn't seem it reason to dump me like some responses here suggest!

Once dried it was clearly urine - yellow stain and strong stench.

This. When it's wet, it isn't particularly smelly as it is mostly water. Once some of the water evaporates, the smell gets a lot stronger.

Err... Nobody is suggesting she puts up with it, most are suggesting the OP talks to him to see what he has to say for himself.

I don't think one single reply has even hinted that she "puts up with it". You're good at saying what people didn't say and make it sound factual. The sun newspaper is good at that ! Very sensationalist!

Thank you This is my natural instinct, but the amount of posters saying how ridiculous I am being is a little overwhelming tbh.

I will not be as crass as I stated upthread, it was a little tongue in cheek BUT I also don't want to witter on so he has chance to think up some lame excuse.

All I can do is see what he says at this stage. And makeup my spare bed 😉

If your husband’s sweat smells of ammonia, I’d advise you ask him to see a doctor to check his renal function, or for diabetes.

Really can’t believe people are berating the OP for ‘overreacting’. A new partner urinated all over her bed and left her to clean it….

How is that ok? Why do women think women should accept this behaviour?! 😕

Agree

Does he help change the sheets?

Id be even more shocked he didn't own up an offer to sort the sheets or try to save the mattress but left it for you to sort out! hopefully not a sign of things to come

So she should buy a new mattress every time he does it? Or should she whip out the sexy special waterproof sheets for when he comes over?

Just, no.

Course not. 😣

I haven't RTFT, but here's my two cents:

Ugh, that's SO disgusting. And the disrespect in saying nothing and leaving you to clean it up! This could well be the first instance of abuse. My narcissistic abusive ex did something similar early on. We were staying in a small NYC hotel, and before bed one night, I was about to go in the bathroom. He goes, very conversationally, "Just a minute!" and walks across the room in a very happy way, as if it's a spring morning and he's popping out for bagels....and proceeds to absolutely stink the bathroom out. When I was about to have a shower, which he knew. It was a test, looking back and thinking about how things panned out. (He became ever more emotionally abusive, and over the years had more and more and more contempt for me, until he suddenly walked out one day because of my weight.)

I would proceed with extreme caution if you're going to stay with him, but personally, I wouldn't. What he did was abusive.

When you talk to him, be prepared for him to insist three ways to Sunday what a complete accident it was, how mortified he is, that he had no idea, etc. etc. Which would be bollocks. EVERYONE knows when they've wet the bed. Or he might blame a medical condition...in which case, why didn't he bring a rubber sheet? Why did he leave you to clean up his mess?

Secondly, if you can afford it, I'd get a new mattress and bedding. And never sleep with him again.

Actually, I don't even see the poiNt of talking to him about it. Just ghost him. He knows what he did. I would never normally recommend that, but it's what he deserves.

Sorry, OP.

What's disgusting is the fact he left you to clean it up.

You won't know how to proceed forward without seeing what his reaction is. Personally I'd text him, you don't know him well and he might get very angry.

Zoflora is great for wee and puke ( remembering D's was little)

If he’s in his 50s it’s very possible it’s a health problem with his prostrate that he needs to get checked out. And a further possibility if he’s had prostrate surgery then occasional incontinence can be a side effect, although that would be something he would be very aware of. Could well be a health issue he isn’t aware of, and it’s not happened to him before.

Wetting the bed not ideal but a conversation could be had but to leave it to you to sort out that would be the end for me, so disrespectful and quite pathetic from a middle aged man.

Please don't let people on this thread on persuade you to think terrible things about both him and yourself (people guilt tripping you that your bar Is low when you haven't even hinted you're willing to take on an "alcoholic")

The facts are : you have not so far seen a single red flag of alcohol dependence. Unless you're incredibly naive,(I'm sure you're not)the signs would be there after a month!

You had a few drinks together. It looks as though he's reduced his consciousness level with said drink, and urinated involuntarily in his sleep.

This will be mortifying for him. The embarrassment has likely caused him to not immediately confess and he's dealt with it in a fairly typical way of someone who's extremely embarrassed. He's tried to run away from it.

The problem is you now have a urine soaked mattress. This needs to be replaced. Despite the lack of purposeful intention: he is responsible for this. He needs to pay for it to be replaced. That's non negotiable.

The second problem (which you've had people pounce on ) is: is this part of a wider problem ? Is this a one off or is it a habit when he's had too much to drink ? The latter suggests problematic alcohol use. It doesn't make him a terrible man. But it does mean you will likely want to end the relationship.

At the moment, it's all speculation. Which Is why you need to speak with him factually. If you don't like the vibes he gives off and you smell a rat, you'll have a bit more of an answer.

God forbid you ever age or have an accident!
I clearly also said she explain to him that he needs to do any future cleaning up and also that he needs to go get checked out. But if it is a health issue it can take time to get seen and sorted, especially with our current health system so she might want to consider what she can do to help in the meantime. However if he refuses to apologise, clean up in future and get checked out and the behaviour continued then yes, then I would consider it a deal breaker. not after a single isolated incident though, if the relationship had been otherwise great.
Jeso, when did it stop being ok for men to be human and mess up occasionally?!? Or must they be 100% perfect at all times or shown the door?

So you're suggesting: a man that's stayed over half a dozen times and never done this before , with no other red flags , should simply be "ghosted"for being a potential "abuser"

Welcome to Mumsnet !

Yes I suggested prostate too but was ignored by the majority as everyone seems to want to demonise this chap

Talk to him like a grown up. Different I know but we had an incontinent dog and when you are all warm and snuggly in bed or on the sofa then you don't immediately notice a large wee trust me 😂

Just see what he says. I have a friend who has done this when his diabetes hasn't been well controlled. He's just not realised until he's made the bed.

Are you 100% sure it wasn't you?

I don't doubt that it's a common problem and no one should be ashamed for having a bed setting accident at any age.

The issue is, this guy didn't clean up after himself and acted like it never happened. If a child or teenager did that in my house you can get there would be consequences . Not for the wetting, but for lying about it or hiding it . I'm sure most parents deal with lying about it the same way.

How do you know he’s not unwell?