New Partner Wet the Bed

[NewManIssue]

That’s it, basically.

I met someone about a month ago and it has been fantastic really good fun no issues at all, we’ve done absolutely loads together, met friends of each other and an adult child, and have lots of planned.

He came over yesterday afternoon because we were both off work and we went out for a walk had a few drinks. He made us some food. We had a few more drinks and we were both pretty drunk, I will admit.

The morning when I went over to give him a hug as the alarm was about to go off the bed was soaking, I presumed with sweat…no particular smell at this stage.

I left my bed open to air with a view to stripping the sheets after work, however when I went back in there the whole room reeked of urine and there was a huge stain and it has gone through my mattress topper and my mattress is still soaking wet as are the pillows.

I’ve never experienced this before, Although I know it can be something some men do when they are drunk…

I feel like it’s something I need to speak to him face-to-face about which I could probably do tomorrow when he finishes work at about 9:30pm but otherwise I’m unlikely to see him for a few days.

I feel a little awkward. I don’t want him embarrass him however surely it’s not the first time even if this is the first time with me since I’ve known him.

It’s not a dealbreaker initially, however if it’s a regular thing, it’s definitely a dealbreaker. I think I’m just gonna have to say, I had to sleep on the sofa tonight…the bed was still wet and it wasn’t sweat - which we initially assumed…

If anyone can give me any advice or have experienced this, please shout!

Bloody typical it has been going amazingly well, For the first time in my life, I’m with a man who is more keen on me than I am him (guards up still 🤣)

Those saying maybe it's a medical issue etc how do you excuse him for even sleeping in the Ops bed to start with?

He must know that he has a medical issue. Why would anyone just take the risk of sleeping bollock naked no pads or anything in someone else's bed, if you know there's a risk you'll piss in it?

That's the bit I can't get my head around.

Bin him! Nobody has to tolerate this.

Because maybe it doesn't happen all the time. And he hoped it wouldn't?

After a month, this isn't the first time they've slept together, so what's happened on the other occasions?

Addiction nurse here…this man has an underlying alcohol problem, it wont be a one off. Be prepared for bowel incontinence also if he continues to drink heavily and you stay with him

Poor man might have a medical reason. You need to ask him about it nicely. There’s adverts on tv all the time about female incontinence and apparently it is really common. Why is it more disgusting when it’s a male? If it’s a good relationship then seems a shame to finish it for this reason. You say you have a 32 year old daughter so I’m guessing he might be in his 60’s. Maybe he has enlarged prostate or maybe you both drunk too much that night. At least discuss it

@NessieDoesExistYes I was giving the op the benefit of my experience as a former alcoholic. I have met hundreds through AA, loads wet the bed when they've started to damage internal organs. I have no idea if this man had 'front loaded' before meeting the OP.

Fwiw I have a number of type 1 diabetics in my family and they don't wet the bed. However they don't drink either.

If you both could have fun without alcohol would that change things?

Yes, I've heard this, it's related to alcoholism. I'd get rid, unless you want a life of cleaning up his mess.

I think some people are being really harsh here. It’s likely an issue he can’t help. Imagine if a forum of men were making jokes about a woman who leaked on the bed during her period?

The issue that definitely does need addressing is him not being honest about it and immediately stripping the bed, washing the sheets, taking other stuff to a laundrette etc. Now maybe he didn’t realise but that does seem less likely. It was really inconsiderate to leave it for you to do and that is something I would be upset about too.

Thank you again for the further responses.

While I totally get those of you saying it’s only been a month and to throw this one back, I’m going over to speak to him this evening, rest assured if there is any inkling that he knew it happened or that he knew it could potentially happen, I am walking away without a backward glance.

To the poster who questioned why I called him my partner rather than my boyfriend what the hell do you call your boyfriend/girlfriend when you’re both in your 50s? He’s not a boy and I’m not a girl. I wasn’t putting anything more on it than the fact he is a man that I have been dating exclusively for just over a month, just feels a bit daft calling him my boyfriend but happy to be corrected on this!

In response to a few common comments - he didn’t stink of piss nor did the bed or the bedroom, it literally looked like he had been sweating and it was very hot in my bedroom so to me it was a logical explanation, I didn’t lay in it or go near it until I rolled over in the morning because my bed is huge and I like to sleep right on the edge facing away from the middle. Still grossed out that I felt it tho, I do have standards. He didn’t go straight to work he went home to have a shower and get changed and was at work later on that day. He is always fresh and clean, never stank of piss, no.

We were not blind drunk and I am certainly not an alcoholic, I have a soft drink to every alcoholic one or more even and yes I was drunk for me but not blind drunk, maybe the average person would not even consider me drunk, the fact that we had spent an afternoon and an evening having a few drinks and some food together wasn’t really the focus of the post although I do understand that the amount he drinks could be a factor in him pissing the bed. The last time we were drunk in bed together we had been out to an all afternoon gig and again too drunk to drive but not too drunk to function, maybe I should say “had a few drinks” in future.

Having said all that, no obviously I don’t know what he had had before meeting me and I recognise this could be part of if not all of the issue.

I’m a reasonable person, even if I walk away I am
prepared to listen to what he’s got to say but I do have self-respect. I wasn’t out there looking to date, he is someone that I met randomly and we had so many things in common and hit it off that we started seeing a lot of of each other and things have developed. But walking at this stage would be easy.

Anyway, for anyone that might be invested in the bed wedding beast of Yorkshire, I will update later when I’ve seen him.

I’d feel very disrespected if that happened and he left me to clean it up. He may have an issue thats not his fault but the line for me is not bothering to clean it up. He’s a grown man. Ofcourse he realised he was covered in pee. He just thinks of he doesn’t mention it you will just deal with it.

Honestly OP he’s just treated you appallingly.

Also DH has been blind drunk and managed to never pee in the bed. I’m genuinely surprised at the number of men out there who wet the bed after drinking.

My Ex husband did this every weekend. He would be so drunk he just wet the bed. Every Sunday morning I would be washing sheets and trying to dry the mattress. It was not a medical problem, it was because he chose to get bladdered every Saturday night. When I left him I also left the pissy mattress.
He went on to have other relationships and apparently did the same to them.
When your partner gets so drunk that he pisses all over you he is making a choice. This behaviour will not change. He has no respect for you. I seriously advise you to get rid of him now.

Period and wetting the bed are not the same.

anyway ladies be kind. Can you imagine a man carrying on dating a woman who wet the bed unless it was his fetish.

I can easily guess men might not necessarily know they’ve done this, much more so than women. My dh can definitely wake up soaking in a pool of sweat, so that wouldn’t be the giveaway. And from about 12 aren’t they used to having occasional wet dreams or sleeping hard ons so it wouldn’t be weird at all feeling something go on and staying asleep and not realising? But of course most men don’t wet the bed, I’m just saying it might not be this ‘he’s lying’ that so many are saying.

My ex husband did this fairly regularly - he was an alcoholic. I would see it as a potential red flag

What's his bed like. Is his house clean?

My ex husband wet the bed a couple of times , would never tell me. He was an on off alcoholic...if that's a thing. But used to be a very very deep sleeper snore loudly and iam sure used to stop breathing.
I don't know if it's something to do with deep sleeping. It was the bit thst he didn't strip the bed, and we were married not like a month and he didn't know where clean bedding was kept.
Your partner will have definitely done this before

I’ve experienced this, it’s due to being very drunk. I ended the relationship and bought a new mattress the second time it happened.

@User37482 I’m genuinely surprised at the number of men out there who wet the bed after drinking.

So was a friend of mine until she opened a B & B and took contractors as guests.

In the end she took deposits for "damages" to replace soiled mattresses.

Yuch.

I reckon you need to go easy on him though that’s an unpopular MN opinion and I’ll probably get slated. I’m in my 60’s and recently dreamed I was on the toilet and began to wee but luckily woke up in time. It happens. See what he says before you ruin what might be a good relationship

The chances are very high that this is going to be a relationship that is tainted if not ruined altogether by alcohol use and could make you miserable in countless ways.
You obviously badly want it to continue, but I'd strongly advise you that if you don't want to risk being tied by even stronger feelings to a man you can't trust where drinking is concerned, you end it now.
Its concerning that even after he's treated you so appallingly and done something that would make the majority of women lose attraction, you already feel you shouldn't walk away, should give him a chance.
That's a sign of either a misguided sense of how much loyalty and compassion you should offer a man you barely know, or of how badly you want a relationship, that you'll find a way to get past something most would not.
Both of those are problematic traits when it comes to relationships with problem drinkers (which, he may not be, but there's a good chance of it) because they lead to putting up with more and more as time goes by.
I predict that either you won't hear from him again (best outcome for you) or your conversation is him minimising, gaslighting you into thinking it's nothing and a one off, or him becoming a soggy tearful mess of apologies and vows to get help "with your support". Either of the last two, will be just the first of many such conversations to look forward to if you stay with him.

I don’t often now, but it doesn’t happen every time I drink, appears to be a bit random. I wet the bed regularly into my late teens and it can also happen when I’m stressed or unwell so I guess personally it’s something I’m fairly used to now and don’t see as a big deal. I wouldn’t lie about it though in somebody else’s bed and when I do stay overnight elsewhere I always bring mattress protection.

@NewManIssue Take photos of the mattress stain and damage to duvet/pillows etc to show him. He can't ignore hard evidence.

my two scents:

we are humans and sometimes our bodies fail us. but he didn’t even mention it to you? So he either did not even realise he was in his own pee (which is worrying). Or he didn’t mention it hoping that you wouldn’t notice (which is horrible).

that seems to be a dealbreaker IMO..

OP, I just couldn't cope with this. I wouldn't put up with it from the cat, and definitely not from a partner.