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Original poster

No Children at weddings AGAIN!!!!

322 replies

cathers · 16/05/2008 12:17

Can't believe it. Opened the post this morning to find wedding invite number 3 for this summer. Yet again 'UNFORTUNATELY NO CHILDREN ALLOWED!' stipulated.

That now means that for three weekends in may and June we will have to choose between the wedding of 3 close family / friends or finding a babysitter for 12 hours at a time!All weddings are over 150 miles away.

Is this the current vogue to have adult only weddings? Personally find that some weddings without kids can be stuffy and v formal. Much prefer old fashioned celebratory sort! Any one else finding this?
What are you doing?

OP posts:
mobileslostisitinthefreeze · 20/05/2008 10:28

I can see what you mean, but I would still never take an under 10 to a funeral (I mean the actual funeral, not the tea afterwards, but the service). In the past we have gone to a special place to let of balloons, or we have planted a tree etc. I have taken the kids to the tea afterwards when the atmosphere has been lighter, but I would never take an under ten to the service.

Kewcumber · 20/05/2008 10:29

friend of mine died a few years ago with childrne aged 9 and 10 and they didn;t go to the funeral becuase their dad thought it would be too hard for them. Big mistake

sfxmum · 20/05/2008 10:33

when my mother died my youngest sister was about to turn 10 and she went to the service to say goodbye it was an open casket and she was able to be there the asked to leave and stayed with a friend until after the burial. she coped well and to this day 24 yrs later she says she is glad she had the chance

pixiepip · 20/05/2008 10:33

sfx- you would not go to a wedding without kids as it would not be the sort of wedding you'd enjoy? What on earth does that mean? How judgemental of you! Surely the whole point of being a wedding guest is to share in the happiness of the bride and groom- not to indulge your own wants or needs? It is an honour IMO to be asked to share a special day as a wedding guest- your needs and they type of wedding you'd "enjoy" are irrelevant!

mobileslostisitinthefreeze · 20/05/2008 10:34

Kew its not about family not wanting your child there. But more about all the people your son knows and loves crying and the whole ritual of the funeral, that would be scary for any little one and there for they would likely be terrified, its also about maturity to understand what is actually going on.

Kewcumber · 20/05/2008 10:35

to be fair pixie - they might be irrelevant to the people getting married but they're hardly irrelevant to you!

mobileslostisitinthefreeze · 20/05/2008 10:37

Well, I can see what you mean, maybe I should revise what I said and say I suppose it depends on how mature they are then, some are not mentally ready and some are 17 at the age of 8

islandofsodor · 20/05/2008 10:38

I totally agree with APM.

I decline all wedding where the children are not invited. The main reason is that dp and I work full time including for 37 weekends fo the year, and we use up all our babysitting/childcare for working, not socialising.

I am not prepared to forfeit precious time with my children when I already spend so much time away from them.

So far no-one has ever (to my knowledge) taken offence at this. Maybe my cousin whose wedding we declined last year is talking behind our back. I hope not and I know my brother also had to decline too.

If it was a wedding where travel or an overnight stay was involved then it would be impossible for us to attend without children.

If you are close family or a very close friend (best man/bridesmaid material) then I would expect children to be invited if the couple felt you were important enough for them to want you to attend. Friends and not so close family, well it's neither here nor there really.

islandofsodor · 20/05/2008 10:42

As for funerals. I would not take a small child to a funeral. childcare is easier for funerals being in the day when school/nursery is open.

I feel that children should be allowed at funerals if there is someone who is there solely for that child. When my Grandad died I attended the funeral (I was 15) my 10 year old brother was not allowed to as mum Dad took it badly and my Mum knew she wouold have enough on her hands dealing with him and could not cope with my brother as well.

Each situation needs to be looked at on an individual basis.

Kewcumber · 20/05/2008 10:47

I'm not suggesting that you should take a child so young that they wouldn;t understand whats going on. But a child who can understand (no idea maybe 6yrs) should be able to have explained to them that people will be very sad and crying etc etc. I don't find emotion terrifying (despite being half-english!).

I didn;t go to my grandfathers funeral at 11 and have never entirely forgiven my parents for that when the rest of the family went - I felt very excluded from the family.

sfxmum · 20/05/2008 11:04

pixie it is a different point of view I think, my family time is precious and I am selfish about it. I am not comfortable excluding children.
at the time of my wedding I was working in SN and some guest had SN guess that would not be ok either.
I don't really see it as an honour to be invited to share the moment, I may be touched that I was invited but I reserved the right to choose, I don't think it in any way diminishes from their joy, am unlikely to be at the forefront of their minds on their special day

Kewcumber · 20/05/2008 11:11

like sfx - my time with DS is limited and while I might enjoy half a day wihtout him one weekend, a whole weekend away is something I wouldn;t consder at this stage.

However I have no probem with the idea of a no children wedding though I do think it odd if children of close family or small babies aren't allowed.

sfxmum · 20/05/2008 11:14

QC are you making a special effort to agree with me today?

Kewcumber · 20/05/2008 11:18

bizarre isn;t it!

sfxmum · 20/05/2008 11:19

it is starting to make me nervous

Kewcumber · 20/05/2008 11:25

don't get used to it!

pooka · 20/05/2008 11:27

Anne, I was also invited to a wedding by dh's best friend, one month after ds was due. He was late so was 3 weeks old and breastfed. We said that dh would go, and I wouldn't.
They were a bit in the way that someone can only be if they have very little empathy. Apparently no children full stop. The invitation said that was because the venue had a moat.
The fact that ds, at 3 weeks, would have been unlikely to stray into the moat and would not have been eating any food or occupying a seat was neither here nor there.
I was not remotely bothered by dd (then 2.5) not being invited. Their wedding, their choice. But I did feel that in not allowing ds to come, they were in essence not inviting me. Again, fair enough, though was at odds with their pissed-offness when I was unable to attend because ds needed me.

Kewcumber · 20/05/2008 11:40

pooka don;t you think though that the lack of empathy is down to lack of experience of new borns? I would no doubt have done the same thing not appreciating what it was like a few years ago.

MagicMuffin · 20/05/2008 11:44

APM - your point is basically "I don't like going to weddings that aren't exactly to my taste and don't meet my expectations of what a wedding should be exactly"

Don't go then you big misery guts. No one is going to miss you by the sounds of things.

pixiepip · 20/05/2008 11:58

The whole message behind the posts from those of you who won't goto weddings without your DC is that you want what YOU want- and aren't prepared to consider the bride and groom. You all sound totally selfish and a tad immature. If you work so much that you find it hard to leave your DC behind for a day or so, then I'd say re-assess your lives, and see if you can spend more time with your kids and less at work.

Anyway- that's another topic altogether. But can't you see how insulting and selfish it appears to say to a couple- we won't come because your wedding without kids doesn't appeal, it's not what we believe in, thanks for the invite, but no thanks. I'm speechless really at such selfish attitudes.

pooka · 20/05/2008 12:07

I would say possibly yes, Kewcumber. But I would have credited the bride with more understanding - perhaps wrongly - because she is a neo-natal/pediatric nurse.

Leaving aside lack of empathy though, that would have been fine if they had not vocalised how much they really wanted all their friends there, at the same time as vetoing my suggestion that dh and I split the event i.e. I go to see the vows while dh walked around the grounds (beautiful english heritage), then I zoom off with ds while dh attended the meal and reception. Was vetoed because they said it was an all or nothing thing - they didn't want people coming and going once there.

Now that pissed me off!

Highlander · 20/05/2008 12:16

I love weddings, great fun, get pissed etc etc.

With kids (it was 2 under 3 last summer) - a farkin nightmare trying to keep them quiet during the service, the meal is often v late, you never get a chance to talk to pepole as you end up chasing the sprogs around a generally child-unfriendly venue. we then have to then take it in turns to babysit once sprogs in bed.

Maybe it's different when they're older.

For child-free weddings, people have been very understanding when DH and I say we don't have family to babysit for 12 hours and thus we won't attend.

Highlander · 20/05/2008 12:18

sorry, what I'm saying is we totally understand why people don't want kids at a wedding.

Kewcumber · 20/05/2008 12:19

"she is a neo-natal/pediatric nurse." - hmm that is odd then!

I would be absolutely prepared to consider the bride and groom - if they were wihtin reasonable travlling distance I probably would get babysitting for half a day (a no inconsiderable cost which I would struggle to afford). If it involved travlling further, staying overnight, having someone look after DS for effectively a couple of day s when I couldn;t afford it and I wouldn't want to. He's 2 and he is more important to me than any friends. I don't have any friends I am so close to that it would be a disaster for them if I didn't go to their wedding that wouldn't invite him.

PMSL that I should stop/cut back on work to improve the quality of my life... errr, mortgage, food, clothes not paying for any of those would have a tad more effect on the quality of my and DS's life but thanks for the suggestion. Should I ever be in a position where a fictious friend who lives 200 miles away gets married and doesn't invite DS and will sob into her pillow that I can;t come, I'll be sure to consider your suggestion of giving up work seriously so that I can attend in good conscience and still spend time with DS.

Kewcumber · 20/05/2008 12:21

again I have no problem with people not inviting DS but they also need to be mindful that it may not be practical for me to attend.

My sister who got marreid 20 years ago invited no childrne except the bridesmaid (who was about 4 IIRC), She can;t even recall now if there were people who didn;t come as a result and doesn't seem scarred by the experience that some might not have come.

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