Woman and DH messaging nearly everyday

[Beachybabe]

Married 15 years, 2dc. All been pretty good between us. But, Dh recently became friends with one of his colleagues and now she messages him nearly every day. I’m ok with the occasional message but she’ll send him photos of her dinner, where she is that day and other messages. Don’t seem flirty but this feels way too intense. She’s single/younger than him. Both teachers so when it’s the school holidays her contacting him ramps up to this almost daily level.
He says nothing wrong with it and to stop being weird but I think its a bit concerning. Why does she want to share so much with him and why does he keep it going by replying to her messages? Help!

So you think all women should be accepting of single women, or indeed married women texting their husbands & sending them photos of their pets. Perhaps if you get married one day you will realise there is a need for respect within marriage. You sound like you have a lot to learn or are simply a bit naive.

She knows he has a wife, I've worked with married men for years and I'd never message them daily and send stupid pics etc. She's after him and yes it's up to the husband not to engage but these desperate women doing the chasing are absolutely complicit.

'and only a total turd thinks it's acceptable to do whatever they want with people they know are married'

What is the colleague doing that shows she 'is doing whatever she wants?'

The Op's husband seems to be doing whatever he wants... And therefore his colleague must think their communication is a-okay.

The Op's husband shuts down conversations on the matter.

The Op has issue with her husband not her husband's colleague

No, don’t put up and shut up. The resentment will fester and even if nothing happens with this OW you have allowed the behaviour which would mean it becomes more ingrained.
I wouldnt be engaging with OW but I would be expecting DH to listen to your concerns. He may be too naive to see what’s going on- has anything happened before? I would work on the strategies like getting him to understand how he is prioritising someone else in your marriage. It’s easier to upset you than it is to upset his colleague so that may be what he’s doing. There’s no evidence of an AF but he’s making poor decisions and he needs to be accountable. He is the one who owes you respect.

If you're that young then it's all probably a game to you, but it's not to his wife. How would you like to be in your thirties and pregnant with a 19-year-old sniffing around? Back right off and donate that toy to the local baby unit.

I have a relationship a bit like this with a colleague. I'm in my 40s and married, he's in his mid 20s with a partner. I am helping him through some stuff. Today's gift was a cappuccino and a pistachio croissant. It's all totally above board.

There is always one

Hasn't he got friends to help him through stuff? Do you know his partner?

Do you message daily and send pics?

These inappropriate relationships are not ok. Does he get on well with your husband? I presume he's met this good friend of yours..

Married people have no business sending non-work related messages to the members of the opposite sex.

I take it as he’s older and a teacher he’s in a higher position than this woman, even if he’s not a direct manager.
Which makes him bang out of order. It’s really, really not on.
Yes, this woman knows he’s married but she’s clearly getting attention back from him. It is entirely his responsibility to shut it down. His reaction says it all, really. He’s behaving like one of the kids - it’s not me, Miss, I’ve done nothing wrong!
Whether it’s tipped over into an emotional affair or not isn’t really the point. It’s in appropriate, and if the young woman is having some kind of issue in her life there will be better placed people in the Staff Room to help her.
I could not live like this, it’s intrusive and there is not a thought for your wellbeing. Ironic that a man standing in front of a classroom acting as a moral guide is treating his own wife and family this way.

When I was a single I got on well with male colleagues and sent the occasional text about work, BUT, I would never dream of texting a married man daily!! How disrespectful to their wife!! Your DH is delusional, fair enough an odd text now and again, but not every day, and don’t start me with the giving of gifts, not normal!! You need to nip this in the bud OP, she’s got a cheek.

I agree with everyone, this is definitely becoming inappropriate. And I would 100% invite her over for dinner, she may just need a gentle reminder that you exist (you don't know what he says about your situation). He is more in the wrong than she is here, my main concern would be my husband so blatantly being frivolous with our private, emotional space.

I don’t think even him believes it’s inocente , it’s obvious she is interested and he is probably enjoying the attention . No normal woman behaves that way towards a married man and believes it’s ok .

He says nothing wrong with it and to stop being weird but I think its a bit concerning.

The thing that's wrong with it is that it bothers you, his wife, the one for whom he viewed to forsake all others. She needs to be supported by other "mates". He isn't her hero. He is your husband.

Have a read of Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass.

“All a game to you”
nothing of the sort
“with a 19-year-old sniffing around?”
I’m not “sniffing around” anyone’s marriage
”Back right off”
I don’t have anything to “back off” from

most of the responses to me are just assumptions and abusive. But I will consider the ones that are respectful.

You’re not weird she is!
she’s lonely but that’s not your problem I wouldn’t be okay with it.

He’s gaslighting you, making you to be unreasonable when you really aren’t, if the tables were turned I bet he wouldn’t be ok with it either.
it’s not one sided it never is, as much as she’s messaging he is also. They have a strong enough connection for daily messaging not work related, I strongly suspect they are at least attracted to each other emotional affair, if you were to split up, you know who’d in be your replacement.
if he seriously won’t put a stop to it, you need to rethink whether to continue being with him for your own sake.

How would he act if the tables were turned?

My mum once told me that when a man truly loves you will treasure your presence in his life, he will honour your heart, protect your peace, and never take your love for granted. A man who truly loves you won't entertain anything that jeopardise what you share, not fleeting attention, not casual conversations that blur lines, and certainly not emotional closeness with someone else. To him, no moment of temptation is worth the pain of hurting you or the risk of losing the home he found in you. Real love is loyalty, it's respect in the quiet moments, and devotion when no one is watching.

I think you need to be brave enough to be honest with yourself. Ask yourself if you are holding on to something because it's familiar even when deep down you know it's not what your soul deserves. Don't let the fear of starting over keep you tied to someone who doesn't truly see you, because one day when time has slipped through your fingers and your life is quiet, you might look back and wonder: why did I stay when my heart was asking me to leave?
Choose peace, choose truth...choose the kind of love your mum always hoped you would find.

Good luck.

If you’re desperate for attention then I might suggest you seek it in a healthier way and from a healthier source?

I think there are certain things sensible people don't do, because they know it will look odd to outsiders or make someone else feel uncomfortable. Even when they know there is nothing inherently wrong in what they are doing. So, unless they are people who send messages every day to lots of other colleagues, your DH and his friend should cool their chat a bit. Being slower to respond would be a good start.

YANBU, messaging a married man like that is completely inappropriate. I wouldn’t tolerate someone messaging my husband like that during holidays and about non work related topics. As for the presents…that’s just plain weird and unacceptable.

@Montea If you know his wife is uncomfortable with him speaking to other women then, at the very least, you know your messages would make her feel worried, however innocent you might view them. Do you want to cause that anxiety to another woman? I'd really reflect on your motives and be honest with yourself if this thread has struck a chord with you.

@Montea

This man is using you as an ego boost and possibly as wank fodder. Next thing he will be telling you that his wife doesn’t understand him, they are not having sex , you are so mature for your age and would you like to go out for a drink but just as friends, honestly.

Even if he is 100% genuine and has no bad intentions, He should not be confiding any personal problems to a female colleague who is nearly half his age . If he is lonely and tired he needs to talk to his mates / sister / mother / a counsellor.

Stop texting him at all. Only talk to him at work about work matters. No one to one chats at all, for any reason . No gifts at all, not for the baby. No it’s not remotely nice, it’s weird and inappropriate.

You are 19 so you need to learn this life lesson now, so please listen well.

Life is full of creepy married blokes who love to chat up and perhaps shag young single women. STAY AWAY FROM THEM.

They don’t like you, they are not interested in helping you after your gran/ budgie died or supporting your career - they want sex.

Otherwise you will get used and perhaps get your heart broken. Your colleagues at work will spot the affair straight away - some will look down on you and other men will try it on as well. People will laugh at you behind your back. Some women might feel sorry for you, others will gossip about you.

You will damage your career and your self esteem.

And you will make it hard to form a decent equal relationship with a man your own age.

Just step away now.

This would amount to you lying down and inviting him to walk all over you. It may be he sees her only as a friend, although it would be surprising if he weren’t at least flattered by her attention. She isn’t your issue, although imo she’s at best overstepping given he is married.

He’s the problem. You need to be clear that the amount of messaging/contact between them ( however innocent ) is unacceptable to you, and making you unhappy. It needs to stop. Don’t get involved in the rights and wrongs of how unacceptable this is . That’s your line in the sand. Watch his response.