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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Woman and DH messaging nearly everyday

509 replies

Beachybabe · 14/04/2025 20:43

Married 15 years, 2dc. All been pretty good between us. But, Dh recently became friends with one of his colleagues and now she messages him nearly every day. I’m ok with the occasional message but she’ll send him photos of her dinner, where she is that day and other messages. Don’t seem flirty but this feels way too intense. She’s single/younger than him. Both teachers so when it’s the school holidays her contacting him ramps up to this almost daily level.
He says nothing wrong with it and to stop being weird but I think its a bit concerning. Why does she want to share so much with him and why does he keep it going by replying to her messages? Help!

OP posts:
BigHeadBertha · 15/04/2025 13:38

Let's see, this little connection that there's supposedly nothing to, means enough to him to disrespect you and disregard you, his wife, over, not to mention the obvious gaslighting.

The fact that you don't like it is enough that he should immediately stop it. If he doesn't, then what he is clearly showing is that he actually cares about it a great deal- more than he cares about you.

I would not advise putting up with that kind of treatment for five more minutes. Tolerating it only gets you more of it.

I suggest getting a consultation with a divorce attorney. Then show him the bill.
Tell him his fun and games stop now or you'll go back and file for divorce. And that you'll also file if he continues to run his mouth because you're not having it. I also suggest adding the requirement of marriage counseling on, if he wants to continue being your husband. Follow through with all of the above.

A relationship where your husband is that unconcerned with your feelings is not worth having.

holrosea · 15/04/2025 13:40

Epli · 15/04/2025 13:23

Honey, complaining about wife to random, usually younger women is cheater 101.

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100% Confirm - in a different life I have been that younger OW.

Before I get flamed it was years ago, but there was an age gap, his marriage was "unhappy", he was "only staying for DC", there was "no passion anymore", woe is me, going to divorce, etc., etc. There is a literal script.

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 15/04/2025 13:41

If she’s just a friend, invite her dinner. You want to get to know this person who’s so important to your DH. If he’s reluctant then you know the answer…

Don’t think of it as pushing him towards her - you having boundaries won’t stop the inevitable, if it’s going to happen, it will happen whether or not you tell him he’s being a dick.

BigHeadBertha · 15/04/2025 13:41

Montea · 15/04/2025 13:27

She could have changed details. I’m not doing anything wrong, he has told me that his wife doesn’t like him talking to women and gives him a hard time about it.

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If you're anywhere near this annoying in real life, I'm sure he doesn't like you. Grow up and stay out of other women's marriages.

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 15/04/2025 13:42

“I suggest getting a consultation with a divorce attorney. Then show him the bill.
Tell him his fun and games stop now or you'll go back and file for divorce. And that you'll also file if he continues to run his mouth because you're not having it. I also suggest adding the requirement of marriage counseling on, if he wants to continue being your husband. Follow through with all of the above.
A relationship where your husband is that unconcerned with your feelings is not worth having.”

100% 👏👏

Montea · 15/04/2025 13:42

holrosea · 15/04/2025 13:40

100% Confirm - in a different life I have been that younger OW.

Before I get flamed it was years ago, but there was an age gap, his marriage was "unhappy", he was "only staying for DC", there was "no passion anymore", woe is me, going to divorce, etc., etc. There is a literal script.

Show quote history

Yes that sounds like him

TwoRobins · 15/04/2025 13:43

"I think she’s out of order and disrespectful but if I speak about it I get shut down and then we end up rowing with me in the wrong.
He said she’s having a hard time and he’s being a mate and that’s all."

And what about being a husband? One who gives a toss about his wife who is also having a hard time coping with emotional turmoil caused by his unfeeling selfish attitude and behaviour?

Balloonhearts · 15/04/2025 13:43

I think this is a bit weird and clingy, sorry.

Most of my friends are men. Several married and honestly, I've never made any effort with their partners. Why should I? I don't know them. Their insecurities are not my responsibility.

One colleague, I often chat with in the evenings, stuff about work, what we're doing, memes. Same stuff I talk about with female friends. Doesn't mean we have any romantic interest in each other whatsoever.

One friend I've even been on holiday with. We share a hobby and neither of our partners are interested in it so we went together. Absolutely nothing inappropriate and honestly we spent half the evenings facetiming our respective kids. I'd think DP had gone mad if he started policing my friendships.

Moveoverdarlin · 15/04/2025 13:43

Montea · 15/04/2025 12:46

I hope this isn’t about me with a few details changed.

Well if you’re sending pictures of your dinner to a married man, then you need to stop.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 15/04/2025 13:44

I have male friends including male colleagues that I message a fair bit and I think this is wrong. Can you imagine going through a hard time...and the person you turn to for help isn't your friends or family but a new married colleague? Also friendships tend to happen organically, over time. Going from meeting someone to messaging them daily for support in a few months is a red flag for how intense the relationship is

Montea · 15/04/2025 13:44

Moveoverdarlin · 15/04/2025 13:43

Well if you’re sending pictures of your dinner to a married man, then you need to stop.

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That would’ve been one of the details changed as I sent photos of my pets

OVienna · 15/04/2025 13:44

So he openly shows you the messages? He's not hiding the phone? Do you know if he always replies?

Do they work in the same department? Is she his level or junior/senior to him?

I'd be weighing up whether to say, well she could easily get the wrong idea if you don't shut it down - especially the gifts. "Would you really want the gossip or a harassment compliant?!"

I mean - if he's really determined I guess it might not work.

I think I'd be saying, for our marriage I want you to stop texting her for the rest of this holiday. If this is totally impossible for you to do, that's all I need to know about how much you care about how I feel and the state of our marriage.

WinterBones · 15/04/2025 13:44

Montea · 15/04/2025 13:13

Jesus Christ
He is about 35 and I am 19 years old

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If you're 19, then please listen. I'm not going to be horrible to you as i think personally, at 19, you're the vulnerable party here.

He is behaving like a predator, and you are the prey. It is incredibly inappropriate for a 35yo man to strike up conversations with a 19yr old that involved complaining/talking about his wife/marriage/home life...etc.

Please be careful, please protect yourself, be wary of him, and if you can, back yourself off before you become entangled in something you can't back up from.

He is old enough to know better, and you need to be careful for your own sake. please.

PhatGurlSlim · 15/04/2025 13:45

@Montea you are very young. Take it from us more experienced women that this bastard is not to be trusted. Think about it: what can he possibly get from complaining about his wife to a 19 year old?

It is understandable that you may not have many friends at 19, but it is not understandable that a 35 year old married man doesn't have friends to confide in. If you feel confident enough you could advise him to ring Samaritans if he needs to talk - telephone number 116 123. But I am guessing you are not that confident because men like this love young unconfident girls they can manipulate.

Dahliasrule · 15/04/2025 13:45

Beachybabe · 15/04/2025 12:13

He messages other mates a lot and says it’s exactly the same with her. What’s the issue. Really hurts that he needs to be in touch with her so much as well by replying and keeping the conversation going.
I do know her and she has been friendly to me so maybe she is trying to be both our friends?
level of contact still too much imo and inappropriate

I would start sending friendly messages to her and become her mate. That might cause her to back off.

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 15/04/2025 13:47

Montea · 15/04/2025 13:44

That would’ve been one of the details changed as I sent photos of my pets

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Even if it WAS you, it’s the husband’s behaviour the OP needs to deal with. So stop derailing the thread, seriously. If you want to start a thread about whether you’re happy messaging married men who have babies on the way, by all means crack on.

Moveoverdarlin · 15/04/2025 13:48

I would intercept his phone and reply to one of her messages, pretending to be him.

So if she sends a picture of her lunch reply with ‘Ha, very healthy! Spending the day with Gemma and the kids today, having some much needed family time. Speak next week in school’

Then delete the message. It’s then on him to approach you and ask, which he won’t.

If he does just say ‘Dealing with this before it gets out of hand and putting her in her place. If you have a problem with that, we have a problem.

Boreded · 15/04/2025 13:48

Beachybabe · 15/04/2025 12:37

seems as though it’s put up or shut up for me if I want to keep the family together

Edited

No it isn’t…it most definitely isn’t.

  1. if he is doing something that is hurting you, it’s his duty to stop it. You aren’t asking him never to speak to women, you are asking him to back away from this one.
  2. if he thinks you are being unreasonable and refuses to cut contact with her then it is 💯 right that your relationship ends, you should matter more than her
  3. you have the power here. If he doesn’t get with the programme you tell him to leave. Even if he does leave he will be back with his tail between his legs. Just make it clear than the moment there is physical contact he can’t come back

don’t stand for his bullshit. New number and new job, or new house for him

EarthaKittsVoice · 15/04/2025 13:49

Beachybabe · 14/04/2025 21:58

I think she’s out of order and disrespectful but if I speak about it I get shut down and then we end up rowing with me in the wrong.
He said she’s having a hard time and he’s being a mate and that’s all.

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She isn't being disrespectful. Your husband is being disrespectful. Your husband made a declaration of vows to you. She didn't - she doesn't know you.

Snapncrackle · 15/04/2025 13:51

Youcanpayit · 14/04/2025 21:45

Yep. A shoulder to cry on becomes a dick to ride on.

I'd be absolutely furious. He's getting his ego stroked. Sending photos of her tea indeed 🙄 I can't imagine anyone at work wanting to see a photo of my tea, but I work with all women.

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I love that

A shoulder to cry on is a dick to ride on
Brilliant and so bloody true

Honestly I would be laying it out to him what you see

do you want to leave your home
half of your pension
and have more kids with this woman
( at your age )
because that where it looks like its going to me

hes a stupid idiot being flattered by a much younger women who possibly wants children and an established bloke as such

Middlechild3 · 15/04/2025 13:52

Beachybabe · 14/04/2025 21:58

I think she’s out of order and disrespectful but if I speak about it I get shut down and then we end up rowing with me in the wrong.
He said she’s having a hard time and he’s being a mate and that’s all.

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Its already gone too far if he gets angry and defensive when you raise concerns about it. You are his wife, his life, he can't be that naive. At the very least he's enjoying the flirting, the lusting. He is possibly contemplating further actions. Have the biggest rows, but get this shut down. It's totally unacceptable. Let him know what he stands to lose and how much of a threat this is to your marriage.

BigHeadBertha · 15/04/2025 13:52

EarthaKittsVoice · 15/04/2025 13:49

She isn't being disrespectful. Your husband is being disrespectful. Your husband made a declaration of vows to you. She didn't - she doesn't know you.

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I totally disagree and it's not an either/or in any way in the first place. We actually live in a society and only a total turd thinks it's acceptable to do whatever they want with people they know are married, just because "derp derp I didn't take any vows." That's sociopathic vomit, sorry.

BigHeadBertha · 15/04/2025 13:53

Middlechild3 · 15/04/2025 13:52

Its already gone too far if he gets angry and defensive when you raise concerns about it. You are his wife, his life, he can't be that naive. At the very least he's enjoying the flirting, the lusting. He is possibly contemplating further actions. Have the biggest rows, but get this shut down. It's totally unacceptable. Let him know what he stands to lose and how much of a threat this is to your marriage.

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Exactly. Nobody gets into giant rows with their spouse about someone who is nothing to them.

lifeonmars100 · 15/04/2025 13:53

Has she got a pet/nickname for him? That was what alerted me to the flirtation that developed into an affair between my ex-husband and a work colleague. This was before mobiles, so I heard her call him this stupid name , and all my antennae went on alert. It is never an innocent friendship sadly

Sulu17 · 15/04/2025 13:54

What have you got to lose by calling him out, OP? Do you want to remain in a marriage where you dare not say anything when he has affairs?