Woman and DH messaging nearly everyday

[Beachybabe]

Married 15 years, 2dc. All been pretty good between us. But, Dh recently became friends with one of his colleagues and now she messages him nearly every day. I’m ok with the occasional message but she’ll send him photos of her dinner, where she is that day and other messages. Don’t seem flirty but this feels way too intense. She’s single/younger than him. Both teachers so when it’s the school holidays her contacting him ramps up to this almost daily level.
He says nothing wrong with it and to stop being weird but I think its a bit concerning. Why does she want to share so much with him and why does he keep it going by replying to her messages? Help!

This is spot on. There are certain things you simply don’t do.

Would you have such an issue if it was a make college?

I almost feel like saying fuck it I’ll go after this man just to upset the women who’ve left abusive responses for me (I won’t really)

I think you should probably go and troll elsewhere….

One what? Normal person? Thank fuck for that.

Do you trust your partner or don't you? If you think he's up for it with another woman, why are you with him?

If you're sure he isn't, why does it matter what sex his friends are? It takes two people to have an affair. If one isn't interested, it won't happen.

All this hysteria over befriending a man who isn't your husband, what is this, the 1940s?

If you’ve told him it makes you uncomfortable, he needs to listen and at least minimise the communication. You know daily messaging is crossing a boundary and so does he. He needs to respect your feelings and do something about it.

Desperate women chasing married men isn't befriending. It is chasing.

Constant texts, 'funny' memes. Just no.

If you're 'friends' with a mm or a married women you tend to socialise with their spouses too.

but I won’t go that low. It’s what I felt like saying but I know better. Yet they are ok with throwing out abusive comments because of assumptions that they made, telling me that I’d go after a married man with a pregnant wife, telling me to back off, that I am “sniffing around a married man”, and whatever else they’ve said to wind me up.

Hmm, tough one.

I certainly believe you can be good friends with people of the opposite sex. Some of my closest, oldest friends are men. They’ve outlasted various long-term relationships on both sides. While they might socialise with my DP on occasion, I’ll also see them alone, as I prefer seeing friends separate to my DP to give me social independence.

However, I don’t message them every day or several times a day. They don’t buy me gifts, other than the odd birthday present if I see them. But then I don’t message my women friends every day either.

However, even if I messaged most friends every day, I wouldn’t be messaging male friends that often if I knew it made my DP uncomfortable. I’d be horrified if a DP said they were uncomfortable with them being my friends at all (they’re my friends, accept it and don’t be controlling). But I’d compromise by not messaging every day, even if I usually do this with all friends. The key is being respectful and building trust.

The fact he shuts you down is a worry. He’s not being respectful, e.g. by wanting to know/caring about how you feel and looking for a reasonable compromise, whatever might be going on with his woman friend. I suspect this is because there may be some romantic/sexual attraction there. Trust your instinct.

@Montea, I get that you might feel attacked - but many people here are speaking to you from a place of wisdom. With all due respect, many of us have been in your position at your age. I don't mean that to sound patronising. It's just that it would help if you could have some empathy for your colleague's wife. Saying that you've bought HIM a toy isn't appropriate - if you really want to give them that baby gift then you should be seeing it as for both (or all 3 including the baby of course) of THEM, and addressing it as such. If your intentions really are benign then you should be making a big effort with his wife, if you really must persist in pursuing your friendship with him.
OP, I'm sorry that your thread has been derailed a bit with this.

'However, I don’t message them every day or several times a day. They don’t buy me gifts, other than the odd birthday present if I see them. '

Yes, absolutely fine to have fiends but when it's constant messages then a line has been crossed and it seems it's only the wannabe ow on here who can't see that.

@Montea I agree you have every right to consider the replies you deem appropriate for your situation.

I don't agree with the fact you still appear to be saying there is nothing wrong with sending photos of your pets to a married man & worse when he isn't encouraging you to text him outwith work related business. The fact you are also considering giving him a toy for his unborn baby is also a red flag in respect of crossing boundaries. If you wish to give this family a gift for their new baby it should be respectfully handed over after the baby is born & with a card to both of the parents not just the father.

All your comments on this thread have been to get a reaction, if you had honestly thought this thread was about you, you wouldn’t have commented.
The more people have replied the more outlandish your responses have been, so that people pile on and argue with you. I wasn’t going to bother to reply but it’s so obvious and people are nicely trying to explain to you why if you were behaving that way it’s inappropriate, when really you are only on here to cause conflict

Just wait, next he'll be creating a distance from you by being moody and so creating space for the affair to begin - '@Beachybabe doesn't understand me anymore (but younger colleague does...)!'

Anyone is susceptible to flattery, and it looks like this is his turn. However, you need to confront him and let him know that unless he takes a step back, you'll be gone. This isn't normal - his defensiveness shows that. Either you confront him now, or you'll be doing it in July when he comes home from the end of year staff party at 4am, covered in her perfume and with a hotel room receipt in his pocket.

Have a good read of 'Just Good Friends" by Shirley Glass. It sets out the bit by bit process that most people use to justify having an affair.

It should be enough for him that this is upsetting you. He should care more about your feelings than messaging her. The fact that he doesn’t is worrying. Ask him
why that is.

Ok I see that and I’ve listened to the respectful comments but the ones that are essentially attacking me have wound me up.
when I said I was giving the gift to him (a toy that I already have and ended up with somehow that’s new and in pristine condition) that’s because I would be handing it to him to give to his baby who’s yet to be born. So I would physically be giving it to him. I don’t know his wife and it was innocent.
what we have between us is casual chat at best, he is the one that starts conversation with me and yes I do entertain it because otherwise it would be rude and create a certain environment the way I see it, I don’t respond much to comments about his wife and I can’t avoid him.

Tbh I'd be careful about asking him more about it, he'll end up having secret apps and hiding everything.

I'd pretend you've forgotten all about it but be on high alert and check his phone on a regular basis.

“If you had honestly thought this thread was about you, you wouldn’t have commented.”
actually I would, and the OP could have changed the details. I only read the post and not any subsequent comments when I originally replied but the updates make it seem more like it isn’t about me.
“people are nicely trying to explain to you why if you were behaving that way it’s inappropriate”
most of the replies I’ve had including yours can’t be considered nice. I will only take on board responses that are respectful

'when I said I was giving the gift to him (a toy that I already have and ended up with somehow that’s new and in pristine condition) that’s because I would be handing it to him to give to his baby who’s yet to be born.'

Even this is inappropriate. If you work with him contribute to the collection that there usually is for situations like this. Absolutely no need for you to give one just from you, it would be weird.

And she doesn't have female friends of her own age to lean on? I'd go with your gut

I often find the responses on these threads a bit over dramatic but in this case I think most people are spot on. If they aren't already involved it's heading that way. It needs knocking on the head pronto.

I would be telling all and sundry what's going on, my family, his family, especially his mum if he values her opinion. I'd embarrass the hell out of him. He should be ashamed, putting his marriage at risk and the happiness of his DC for a newly acquired female "mate" who happens - boo hoo - to be going through a bit of a hard time.

But here’s the thing. Even if it’s innocent even if it’s nothing the intensity of it matters. Because optics matter. Emotional bandwidth matters. If it’s draining your trust, consuming too much oxygen in your marriage, then it’s already costing something even if no line’s been crossed.

This is so true @Swirlythingy2025 Its the intensity that makes it so wrong.

This I don't agree with, as I have friends of all ages and genders. In this particular case though, it's the present thing that would bug me.

Yeah this is weird. And I say that as somebody with close male friends. Unless she is really lonely and he is her only friend. But then I don’t msg my mates photos of my dinner.

What does your husband say?

Or just friends. The sex of her other friends should not matter.