Page 7 | Woman and DH messaging nearly everyday

Montea · 15/04/2025 13:18

MattCauthon · 15/04/2025 13:12

1 it does not sound like it's about you so you can stop worrying

2 you are clearly fully aware that the way youo're interacting with this man is inappropriate and that is making you hyper conscious of threads like this. A once off pic of your pet - fine. If he doesn't respond and you've texted him again about non-work things, then you're crossing a line. Also, if he's slagging off his wife to you, that's inappropriate. I also don't know why you're buying this guy a baby gift unless you've been work mates for a long time. You are over stepping and he's not 100% making it clear it's not okay.

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“you are clearly fully aware that the way youo're interacting with this man is inappropriate”
No. There’s nothing inappropriate about our conversations. They are casual at best. since he told me his wife doesn’t like him talking to women, it’s possible that she would create a post.
“A once off pic of your pet - fine. If he doesn't respond and you've texted him again about non-work things, then you're crossing a line.”
I have multiple pets and I sent photos of them all in one go. That was the one time I have text him about something non work related.
“Also, if he's slagging off his wife to you, that's inappropriate.”
Yes I agree but I wouldn’t say it was slagging off. They are comments and he is just over run with work and very tired.
“I also don't know why you're buying this guy a baby gift unless you've been work mates for a long time”
I’m not going out of my way to buy a baby gift I already had a toy that I want to get rid of that’s suitable for a baby that I’ve somehow ended up with, it’s a very nice toy and I thought it would be kind to give their new baby a special toy.

I wish I hadn’t commented at all

Hastentoadd · 15/04/2025 13:19

Beachybabe · 14/04/2025 20:43

Married 15 years, 2dc. All been pretty good between us. But, Dh recently became friends with one of his colleagues and now she messages him nearly every day. I’m ok with the occasional message but she’ll send him photos of her dinner, where she is that day and other messages. Don’t seem flirty but this feels way too intense. She’s single/younger than him. Both teachers so when it’s the school holidays her contacting him ramps up to this almost daily level.
He says nothing wrong with it and to stop being weird but I think its a bit concerning. Why does she want to share so much with him and why does he keep it going by replying to her messages? Help!

She sounds silly, insecure and desperate for attention
Your husband is also enjoying the attention from another younger single female

I personally think they are both being disrespectful to you

OchreRaven · 15/04/2025 13:20

Beachybabe · 15/04/2025 12:37

seems as though it’s put up or shut up for me if I want to keep the family together

Edited

But at what cost? Your mental health and self esteem?

He’s your husband and you should be able to tell him something is hurting you and have him listen. As long as you are not asking him to shut down every female interaction he should respect how you feel even if he doesn’t agree.

In your position I would tell him if things didn’t change (less contact outside work and openness about messages) then I would take that as him prioritising his relationship with her over me and act accordingly. By that I would start emotionally detaching, seeing friends more, getting finances in order etc to make sure I had a full and stable life without him should I get sick of the situation or he starts a full blown affair. But have a serious conversation and give him a chance to see the damage to your relationship that he is sleepwalking into.

Epli · 15/04/2025 13:21

Beachybabe · 15/04/2025 12:37

seems as though it’s put up or shut up for me if I want to keep the family together

Edited

You won't be able to keep your family together if it progresses to a full blown affair, which is quite likely. There is a chance to stop it now, but if you do shut up the chances are the consequences will be much more serious.

Mirabai · 15/04/2025 13:21

Beachybabe · 15/04/2025 12:37

seems as though it’s put up or shut up for me if I want to keep the family together

Edited

Has he said so?

lessglittermoremud · 15/04/2025 13:21

Beachybabe · 15/04/2025 12:37

seems as though it’s put up or shut up for me if I want to keep the family together

Edited

This is going to niggle away at you even if you say no more about it.
The hurt you have that he continues to message and prioritise this other person, despite you making it clear it’s making you feel uncomfortable is not something that is going to go away.
If my husband was being as disrespectful I would be making sure that he knew that by continuing he was risking destroying our family unit because the lack of respect (even if nothing untoward is happening) is breathtaking. Your feelings matter and even if she is just a mate he should be taking on board what you are saying.
If it continued I would be looking to end the relationship, I’d rather be on my own than with someone who cared so little about me. I don’t believe it’s all innocent, I have good friends of both sexes and none of them send me pictures of what they are eating, I might get a picture once in a blue moon of a cold alcoholic beverage and a laughing face if they know I’m stuck at work and they aren’t.

YYYDlilah · 15/04/2025 13:22

ginasevern · 15/04/2025 12:27

@Miaminmoo "If your husband won’t listen you need to play him at his own game and get yourself a male text buddy immmediately"

This doesn't work. I tried it when my DH got engrossed with another woman online through a hobby. He didn't give a shit. In fact I think he thought it solved a problem - as in I would leave for another man and he could play the innocent party. He could barely conceal his joy when I "let" him discover. It was at that point that my eyes finally opened wide to what I was really dealing with and what a fucking fool I'd been.

This. He'll either not care, or he'll use it as an excuse.

Epli · 15/04/2025 13:23

Montea · 15/04/2025 13:13

Jesus Christ
He is about 35 and I am 19 years old

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Honey, complaining about wife to random, usually younger women is cheater 101.

discocherry · 15/04/2025 13:24

Beachybabe · 14/04/2025 20:44

And she buys him little gifts every now and then for no reason.

Ah, this brings back happy memories of my best friend and I when we taught together. We used to also buy each other little presents “just because” or when we knew each other was having a hard time or an observation or similar.

We’ve now been together for nearly two years.

This is a giant red flag. I have plenty of male friends, one of my closest friends is male (and is also mine and my bf’s housemate), but there is a clear, clear difference between a straightforward friendship and whatever this is.

MattCauthon · 15/04/2025 13:25

Montea · 15/04/2025 13:18

“you are clearly fully aware that the way youo're interacting with this man is inappropriate”
No. There’s nothing inappropriate about our conversations. They are casual at best. since he told me his wife doesn’t like him talking to women, it’s possible that she would create a post.
“A once off pic of your pet - fine. If he doesn't respond and you've texted him again about non-work things, then you're crossing a line.”
I have multiple pets and I sent photos of them all in one go. That was the one time I have text him about something non work related.
“Also, if he's slagging off his wife to you, that's inappropriate.”
Yes I agree but I wouldn’t say it was slagging off. They are comments and he is just over run with work and very tired.
“I also don't know why you're buying this guy a baby gift unless you've been work mates for a long time”
I’m not going out of my way to buy a baby gift I already had a toy that I want to get rid of that’s suitable for a baby that I’ve somehow ended up with, it’s a very nice toy and I thought it would be kind to give their new baby a special toy.

I wish I hadn’t commented at all

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Well, based on what you've said in this thread, there is almost no similarity between OP's husband's female friend and you. Which m akes me think you have a guilty conscious as its hard for me to understand why you would thinks he'd be changing THIS many details... unless you've bought into the "crazy, paranoid" wife delusion.

RenoDakota · 15/04/2025 13:26

AmandaHoldensLips · 15/04/2025 10:05

I'd be giving her a ring and asking if she'd like to pop over and share what's so important that she's contacting your husband every day.

This is very good. I like to think I would be bold enough to do the same.

IsawwhatIsaw · 15/04/2025 13:27

Thing is, many years ago I was on the other side of similar to this.
18 years old, going out with a group of colleagues at lunchtimes.
Started chatting more with older man, probably in thirties. We arranged to go out one evening. Then luckily a friend of his took me aside one day and asked if I knew he was married with 2 really young kids.well I didn’t know, but backed off immediately.

Montea · 15/04/2025 13:27

MattCauthon · 15/04/2025 13:25

Well, based on what you've said in this thread, there is almost no similarity between OP's husband's female friend and you. Which m akes me think you have a guilty conscious as its hard for me to understand why you would thinks he'd be changing THIS many details... unless you've bought into the "crazy, paranoid" wife delusion.

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She could have changed details. I’m not doing anything wrong, he has told me that his wife doesn’t like him talking to women and gives him a hard time about it.

GraceUnderPresure · 15/04/2025 13:29

Montea · 15/04/2025 13:27

She could have changed details. I’m not doing anything wrong, he has told me that his wife doesn’t like him talking to women and gives him a hard time about it.

Edited

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Maybe coz he's got form for inappropriate behaviour with younger women?
Have you really got no-one else to talk to? If I were you I'd keep it professional only with him, for his wife's sake if nothing else.

TwoRobins · 15/04/2025 13:29

Alwaystired23 · 14/04/2025 21:11

Exactly. I started reading another similar thread earlier. It's always a female, extra points for younger and single. They're always going through a "tough time", usually the end of a relationship, and the man is just "helping them through a tough time" they're "just friends", the wife is "crazy" because of course there's nothing going on 🙄

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Yes. It's all so tiresome.

Montea · 15/04/2025 13:31

GraceUnderPresure · 15/04/2025 13:29

Maybe coz he's got form for inappropriate behaviour with younger women?
Have you really got no-one else to talk to? If I were you I'd keep it professional only with him, for his wife's sake if nothing else.

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I don’t really socialise with anyone, so he is one of the few that I talk to but he does make conversation with me so that is just how I have been responding, casually. I am only sorry for his wife that he’s been talking about her because if it were me I wouldn’t like that

Livingbytheocean · 15/04/2025 13:31

I would tell him to cut contact, and block her immediately or I am leaving and there would be no two ways about it.

I would at the very least expect him to change his job. If he agreed to all of this without hesitating or disagreement I would give him a chance to repair the damage and broken trust. If he started to argue or continued to communicate that would be it, as it’s obvious he has already prioritised her over our marriage and family. A total dealbreaker I am afraid.

This is an emotional affair, and one he seems very reluctant to stop. I would be getting legal advice.

PhatGurlSlim · 15/04/2025 13:33

MyTwinklyPanda · 15/04/2025 12:38

Can you send her a photo of you and him having dinner, fun, hols. She's overstepping the mark and doesn't care.

Some younger single women become desperate and a man who is already in a relationship is kind of seen as being "tried and tested" - they know that he can commit unlike some of the younger men they have been messed around by. And being young gives them power within the relationship because the men feel as though they are punching.

It sounds as though op's DH is "up for it" and I don't know what op can do in a situation like that because the person who should be nipping it in the bud is DH.

GraceUnderPresure · 15/04/2025 13:35

Montea · 15/04/2025 13:31

I don’t really socialise with anyone, so he is one of the few that I talk to but he does make conversation with me so that is just how I have been responding, casually. I am only sorry for his wife that he’s been talking about her because if it were me I wouldn’t like that

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But you gave him your personal number, or took his I assume, to send him photos of your pets. Surely you can see that's a step towards inappropriate contact at best?

Keep the conversations work based and make sure he knows that's where you've drawn the line. You shouldn't be entertaining conversations about his wife.

YYYDlilah · 15/04/2025 13:35

@montea, I wish I hadn’t commented at all So do we.

Megifer · 15/04/2025 13:36

Montea · 15/04/2025 12:46

I hope this isn’t about me with a few details changed.

It may well be if you're messaging a married man with regular updates about where you are, sending pictures of your tea and buying him stuff. Might aswell just take a picture of your fanny on a plate instead tbh.

rubberduck68 · 15/04/2025 13:36

Beachybabe · 15/04/2025 12:13

He messages other mates a lot and says it’s exactly the same with her. What’s the issue. Really hurts that he needs to be in touch with her so much as well by replying and keeping the conversation going.
I do know her and she has been friendly to me so maybe she is trying to be both our friends?
level of contact still too much imo and inappropriate

Does he message his other male friends every day? I doubt it. It's not the same because she is female and young, and because you don't like it, and FYI you don't have to like it. It is okay for you to not like something that is happening in your relationship and to vocalise that, and as your partner he should listen to that and respect it. If he is choosing her "friendship" over your comfort then he's telling you to shut up and put up with it.

Silverstars21 · 15/04/2025 13:36

NewNameBridget · 15/04/2025 09:51

It can, sometimes, be completely innocent.

I work in a male dominated industry, so most of my workmates are men.

I've worked for this company for 3 years, but came as part of an acquisition (so a lot of us joined at once 3 years ago, having worked together for a couple of years before that).

I'm friends with several of the guys from the old company (that was acquired), we sometimes send each other photos of things in our lives (interesting food, our same-age kids in school plays, our pet wearing a hat, the view from holiday, our christmas trees, just the stupid stuff we'd send to our same sex friends).

I don't know their wives and they don't know my DH, but I believe we'd be totally open to meeting each other's family if the occasion arose.

I once bought one of them some specialist food that I know they like as I buying some for myself, I sent another one a book DD had enjoyed for their DD.

I can honestly say there's been no flirting or hidden agenda in these interactions. They're literally just my workmates and could just as well be female.

I understand though, that as the woman in question here is new, they don't have the shared work history that I have with these guys.

But all in all, not everything is a smoking gun.

Edited

I wouldn't dream of buying a random gift for a married man & why would I be thinking about another man when enjoying my family holiday. I wouldn't expect my DH to be thinking about & messaging another woman either. 'Most' marriages have boundaries for a reason.

Montea · 15/04/2025 13:36

GraceUnderPresure · 15/04/2025 13:35

But you gave him your personal number, or took his I assume, to send him photos of your pets. Surely you can see that's a step towards inappropriate contact at best?

Keep the conversations work based and make sure he knows that's where you've drawn the line. You shouldn't be entertaining conversations about his wife.

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“But you gave him your personal number”
Without revealing what his job is, giving him my number was necessary for the job

ShieldMaiden8 · 15/04/2025 13:37

My ex husband did the same with a woman from work and he cheated with her. He needs a wake up call or he’s about to lose everything