Woman and DH messaging nearly everyday

[Beachybabe]

Married 15 years, 2dc. All been pretty good between us. But, Dh recently became friends with one of his colleagues and now she messages him nearly every day. I’m ok with the occasional message but she’ll send him photos of her dinner, where she is that day and other messages. Don’t seem flirty but this feels way too intense. She’s single/younger than him. Both teachers so when it’s the school holidays her contacting him ramps up to this almost daily level.
He says nothing wrong with it and to stop being weird but I think its a bit concerning. Why does she want to share so much with him and why does he keep it going by replying to her messages? Help!

My friend behaved in a similar way towards a married colleague (messaging lots, buying gifts etc.) and they did end up having an affair. Not saying that's what will happen, but her behaviour does suggest she at least fancies him. I suppose it comes down to whether you trust him to exercise appropriate boundaries with her. I'm a teacher too...I can't say workplace affairs in teaching are too uncommon sadly.

Absolutely. They only pick on the vulnerable ones too - I was doubly bereaved when the shark started circling.

I've read OPs updates & think this is going from bad to worse. I'm sorry OP but this woman wants your husband & he's pulling the wool over your eyes. I rarely say this as I'm all for being conciliatory. Surely you realise this has to stop. You are right to be upset & angry & unfortunately I feel this is just the beginning.

This sounds like relationship triangulation.

He’s actually revelling in her attention and even showing you messages that he knows will upset you, as he’s getting validation from your upset reactions. It’s all ego kibbles to him.

Sorry but this man is sounding worse by the post.

Only way of breaking a triangulation is if one party walks away. You are going to have to lay the law down here.

Sorry but if this was me, the fact he’s being so selfish and entitled about this and putting your feelings very low on his list of priorities, would have me questioning about whether this is the relationship for me.

I was a teacher; I know how intense it can be!

Yep. My ex that I mentioned before had a crazy ex before me, and he certainly made me out to be unreasonable to the new woman on the scene while she was “just friends” with him. Hindsight eh.

@Beachybabe when he and I went to Relate and the counsellor backed me up he was flabbergasted- is there a mutual friend or someone you both like and trust who could have a word with him? Because as pp are saying, he’s enjoying this and doesn’t want to admit that it’s crossing lines. Much easier for him to blame you for your reaction. But how about if a friend said it to him? (I say this assuming all else is nice and normal in your relationship, no nasty behaviour or previous form for this kind of thing.)

Show him this thread it might help get his head out his arse and see his marriage is in real danger ! Idiot of a man

Absolutely this

@Montea as you have said you are 19 I think you maybe need to get a bit more experienced in men and life before offering an opinion -you’ve an awful lot to learn about the various ways men married or not try to get some action - and a gradually creeping friendship with married men is one of their usual techniques, try and make you feel safe - they sense good victims

He’s showing it so make you feel at ease and gaslight you into thinking there’s nothing to worry about.

I’m really sorry. You need to find a way to nip this in the bud. I was also very relaxed about inappropriate “mates” until it came back to bite me.

I’ve yet to meet a woman over25 who doesn’t get that sending presents, texting about non work stuff and generally over involving themselves in someone’s life when attached means that they are ‘interested’ - she’s interested-

him? Who knows - many men just love an ego boost and don’t like having to go down the ‘my wife doesn’t like it’ route. However it’s upsetting you and he needs to be told to tell her to knock it on the head- not the friendship necessarily , but the out of office messaging/presents etc - It doesn’t matter if he thinks he is doing nothing wrong- you do and it’s upsetting and that should be enough if he cares about you - if he won’t stop and carry’s on then I would be ‘reviewing my options’ because clearly your mental health means less than him getting an ego buzz

I'm sorry OP. What he's doing is just cruel and a total piss take, and would be the end of it for me.

It's cruel, because it's giving you all this terrible insecurity, and for what?? At best, he's just ignoring your feelings when he shouldn't, and at worst he's enjoying seeing you flustered and upset about this :(

She’s single/younger than him

What a coincidence! They almost always are. I bet he's fucking loving the attention.

He says nothing wrong with it and to stop being weird

He knows that if he ran by this behaviour & activity by a lot of men, they would either raise their eyebrows or he's get a big slap on the back with a 'GET IN THERE MATE!'.

In your shoes, I'd either assume that he's deliberately building a relationship with her in order to eventually sleep with her, or something's already happened. This is not loving behaviour that you do to a respected partner.

Yep, messaging everyday and buying gifts I’d say gone past the early stages of an emotional affair

Friends as having fun time, talking and hanging? Sure.
Friends as in 150 messages a day and weekly gifts?
Nope
No
Non

The whole story is just insane.
As people already mentioned it, blokes never have sudden revelation they need 50 y old Mike from the accounting as best friend and put 🥰 on their idiotic dayli lunch photos, ❤️ on "not sure if this shirt fits" photos, they do not sneak around providing emotional suport in unholly hours, and they do not buy them chocolate for doing normal work related chores they are paid for.

What? How on earth is he being groomed? Is he vulnerable? Young? Or is she in a position of power?

Not read thread only OP.
MY Exh, teacher. Mid 40s. I found "innocent" messages on phone from late 20s work colleague. They were just friends etc etc. 2 months later said didn't love me. 6 months later moved out - various reasons all my fault. Few weeks later,found out he was at her house. Few months later, he was living there. 1 year later admitted affair before we split. Now divorced and he still with her.
I always think back to when I was young and single and I 100% know I would not be texting an older bloke unless it was flirting.

Men ALWAYS call women crazy when they’ve been caught with their trousers down.

so true

there's always this approach:

m.youtube.com/watch?v=d_sHv5Kuq7g

I get what you’re saying and I do think on occasion it can happen (although I don’t think grooming is really the right word), we don’t know the full story here. I might have been approaching her saying lord knows what.

@Beachybabe the only way for this to stop is for him to not even have put himself in that situation to begin with. They’re both being shady af.

My best friend is a man and is now married, I am very careful in the way we message because I don’t want his wife thinking there’s anything suspicious going on. And I always include her in presents (ie I buy something both can use). Or if I’m with DP and he calls, I put him on loud speaker and the three of us chat.

Sorry he’s treating you like this @Beachybabe
I think I’d be telling him how deeply unattractive it is watching him lap up attention from another woman. & if this friendship is more important than his wife & family to crack on. But you won’t be hanging round to pick up what scraps there are left.

You can only do this if you are prepared to split if he prioritises her though. (I would).

Honestly don’t know what to do. Feel angry but feeling torn up inside. He really didn’t think there is anything wrong with it so it will be all my fault if we split. Want to say something to her (I think she’d be mortified) and then he would likely side with her as being the injured party

@Beachybabe , your husband is having too much fun with this triangle he's created. You shouldn't need to contact someone on the outside to rein it in, when your husband is making an idiot of himself and your marriage.

You need to grey rock him because he sounds like he's enjoying your torment.
Tell him this ends or you're done and mean it.
Can you send him away or pack a bag and go somewhere?
He's taking the piss.

That's all acceptable given you are respectful of your friends wife & doing the right thing.

Having said that I always find it intriguing when women say they are happily married & they have a male best friend. My husband is my best friend in the world as well as everything else involved in marriage. Anyone I described as a best friend before marriage took second stage the day I got married & well before that. I would still describe my long standing female friend as a great friend I've known since childhood but she's no longer my best friend,nor I hers now she is married with children. Interesting 😁

Very difficult, what if you told him you needed a break ( a couple of days or even a night away) to think about your relationship ( don’t say the texting other woman was the reason, be vague and calm and let him ponder as to what the reasons could be) that should shock him into behaving and if it doesn’t then you know where his priorities lie

Honestly, if he's bringing her up in your home, in the school holidays, looking for a reaction and it causing a row, I'd give it a proper row like he'd never seen before.

One argument, one chance to discuss and sort it properly and be made to feel like I was worth more.

Your feelings are there and they're absolutely valid.

He'd either validate my feelings, have a real discussion and show real contrition and stop contact. By moving schools if necessary. Or I'd stop it by telling him we're separating. Not because of texts from a work colleague, but because of the complete disregard for your feelings when you're telling him his behaviour is hurting you.