Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Woman and DH messaging nearly everyday

509 replies

Beachybabe · 14/04/2025 20:43

Married 15 years, 2dc. All been pretty good between us. But, Dh recently became friends with one of his colleagues and now she messages him nearly every day. I’m ok with the occasional message but she’ll send him photos of her dinner, where she is that day and other messages. Don’t seem flirty but this feels way too intense. She’s single/younger than him. Both teachers so when it’s the school holidays her contacting him ramps up to this almost daily level.
He says nothing wrong with it and to stop being weird but I think its a bit concerning. Why does she want to share so much with him and why does he keep it going by replying to her messages? Help!

OP posts:
2025willbemytime · 15/04/2025 17:26

Montea · 15/04/2025 13:13

Jesus Christ
He is about 35 and I am 19 years old

Show quote history

So? There are age gap relationships.

2025willbemytime · 15/04/2025 17:28

Montea · 15/04/2025 13:18

“you are clearly fully aware that the way youo're interacting with this man is inappropriate”
No. There’s nothing inappropriate about our conversations. They are casual at best. since he told me his wife doesn’t like him talking to women, it’s possible that she would create a post.
“A once off pic of your pet - fine. If he doesn't respond and you've texted him again about non-work things, then you're crossing a line.”
I have multiple pets and I sent photos of them all in one go. That was the one time I have text him about something non work related.
“Also, if he's slagging off his wife to you, that's inappropriate.”
Yes I agree but I wouldn’t say it was slagging off. They are comments and he is just over run with work and very tired.
“I also don't know why you're buying this guy a baby gift unless you've been work mates for a long time”
I’m not going out of my way to buy a baby gift I already had a toy that I want to get rid of that’s suitable for a baby that I’ve somehow ended up with, it’s a very nice toy and I thought it would be kind to give their new baby a special toy.

I wish I hadn’t commented at all

Show quote history

You're minimising now and making excuses for his bad behaviour. He's just tired..... there there be sure to help with that.

Dweetfidilove · 15/04/2025 17:29

Montea · 15/04/2025 13:18

“you are clearly fully aware that the way youo're interacting with this man is inappropriate”
No. There’s nothing inappropriate about our conversations. They are casual at best. since he told me his wife doesn’t like him talking to women, it’s possible that she would create a post.
“A once off pic of your pet - fine. If he doesn't respond and you've texted him again about non-work things, then you're crossing a line.”
I have multiple pets and I sent photos of them all in one go. That was the one time I have text him about something non work related.
“Also, if he's slagging off his wife to you, that's inappropriate.”
Yes I agree but I wouldn’t say it was slagging off. They are comments and he is just over run with work and very tired.
“I also don't know why you're buying this guy a baby gift unless you've been work mates for a long time”
I’m not going out of my way to buy a baby gift I already had a toy that I want to get rid of that’s suitable for a baby that I’ve somehow ended up with, it’s a very nice toy and I thought it would be kind to give their new baby a special toy.

I wish I hadn’t commented at all

Show quote history

You really shouldn't have bothered.
You made it about you to tell the OP nothing, except that you're sending unsolicited messages to a married man who doesn't even respond to you.
Absolutely no similarities.

Just leave the man alone.

Hollyhedge · 15/04/2025 17:32

It’s not right. From experience, this is how it starts. But he is the problem - you aren’t comfortable but he isn’t prioritising that. I think you need to lay things out clearly.

Baninarama · 15/04/2025 17:34

Wanderergirl · 15/04/2025 16:59

Can't be that good of a relationship if he is looking deeper friendships outside home (not your fault necessarily, but clearly he's bored). How good looking is he? She might be doing you a favor, so you can leave guilt free. Maybe start dating somebody new, that would be pretty exciting, wouldn't it?

It doesn't matter if you look like Sophia Loren with the personality of a saint, and your husband looks like a potato. Everyone responds to flattery and flirting (how they choose to do this makes the difference), and given the right personality weaknesses and feelings of entitlement, they'll maybe go all in with an affair.

Chattycatt · 15/04/2025 17:34

It’s wrong - end of. As someone else said if the shoe was on the other foot I bet he wouldn’t be happy!!!

Silverstars21 · 15/04/2025 17:34

Balloonhearts · 15/04/2025 16:55

Ah, I see. You can't be friends with a bloke without wanting to shag him. My standards of behaviour are considerably higher than yours I'm afraid.

Show quote history

It has absolutely nothing to do with sex or lack of trust. It's about 'dating' married men under the umbrella of 'just friends' An affair doesn't have to involve sex. If the man's wife does the same with other men then that's a mutual agreement. If not & it makes the woman uncomfortable then it's simply wrong.

Wanderergirl · 15/04/2025 17:35

Montea · 15/04/2025 14:53

Ok I see that and I’ve listened to the respectful comments but the ones that are essentially attacking me have wound me up.
when I said I was giving the gift to him (a toy that I already have and ended up with somehow that’s new and in pristine condition) that’s because I would be handing it to him to give to his baby who’s yet to be born. So I would physically be giving it to him. I don’t know his wife and it was innocent.
what we have between us is casual chat at best, he is the one that starts conversation with me and yes I do entertain it because otherwise it would be rude and create a certain environment the way I see it, I don’t respond much to comments about his wife and I can’t avoid him.

Show quote history

Been in office environment for over 25 years (male industry too), not once at any stage in life have I came up with idea giving male colleague baby gifts. Unless I know the couple personally, but even then, they would need to be very close friends. This is insane lol

Stop replying, that man has a project written all over him. You will see he will make a move at some point. I never went as far into male colleague friendship as texting outside office hours or giving gifts, and yet still had passes which took me by surprise. Just from being friendly and chatting in the office.

Montea · 15/04/2025 17:35

Dweetfidilove · 15/04/2025 17:29

You really shouldn't have bothered.
You made it about you to tell the OP nothing, except that you're sending unsolicited messages to a married man who doesn't even respond to you.
Absolutely no similarities.

Just leave the man alone.

Show quote history

He doesn’t respond to me because his wife has issues and is crazy about him talking to women
you are suggesting that it is me pursuing him and I’m not having it

LoobyLott · 15/04/2025 17:38

Anyway....back to the OP who started the thread. I can fully understand the feelings you're having about this, and I would be inclined to have the same. However, they are all teachers at the same place and there's a level of camaraderie that springs up among teachers which is just that, camaraderie.

It sounds to me that its likely a friendship, and he's been open about it to you and it includes other teachers.

So ultimately I wouldn't get too bent out of shape over it.

Bluedenimdoglover · 15/04/2025 17:39

He's getting such a kick out of her attention. He wouldn't like it if you had a man do the same. Tell him it stops or you will go direct to her and tell her to stop.

Scorchio84 · 15/04/2025 17:40

Beachybabe · 14/04/2025 21:58

I think she’s out of order and disrespectful but if I speak about it I get shut down and then we end up rowing with me in the wrong.
He said she’s having a hard time and he’s being a mate and that’s all.

Edited
Show quote history

God it's always this isn't it? Like a pp said it's never "Giles from accounts" I really feel for you OP because it does seem like the more you mention it the more stubborn he's being, this is a nightmare & yes she's totally overstepping but he's your husband & HE should be thinking of you & your feelings

I'm sorry I've no advice 💐

BrotherViolence · 15/04/2025 17:41

I actually was friends with an older male colleague in my 20s. We were both single at the time and I genuinely wasn't interested in him and he never tried to flirt with me in any obvious way either, we just had interests in common and so on, and he was a bit of a dad figure. Anyway, I still probably wouldn't have found that friendship appropriate if either of us were in a relationship. Chatting at work, sure, but not texting (which we did occasionally). We actually fell out of touch and I assumed he had probably started seeing someone and that was why. Which I thought was totally fair enough.

So I agree with most others, even if this all seems harmless it's something I wouldn't be happy with if I was in your shoes either.

Scorchio84 · 15/04/2025 17:44

@Montea I think you should stop messaging that man, you know his wife has a problem with it, that should be enough tbh

Wanderergirl · 15/04/2025 17:47

Baninarama · 15/04/2025 17:34

It doesn't matter if you look like Sophia Loren with the personality of a saint, and your husband looks like a potato. Everyone responds to flattery and flirting (how they choose to do this makes the difference), and given the right personality weaknesses and feelings of entitlement, they'll maybe go all in with an affair.

Show quote history

My message wasn’t that deep. I was cheering for OP to maybe be free to pursue other relationships in the future. I personally would the situation bizarre for a husband to want to pursue deep friendship with female coworker at mature age lol

2025willbemytime · 15/04/2025 17:48

Montea · 15/04/2025 14:36

I almost feel like saying fuck it I’ll go after this man just to upset the women who’ve left abusive responses for me (I won’t really)

Grow up.

Musclewoman · 15/04/2025 17:55

There's a good reason your spidey senses are tingling....lines are being crossed!
I definitely wouldn't like this, not one bit.

Mumtobabyhavoc · 15/04/2025 18:04

She has a crush! Is it not obvious? The dh knows it, too and he's lapping up the attention.

YYYDlilah · 15/04/2025 18:17

Montea · 15/04/2025 17:35

He doesn’t respond to me because his wife has issues and is crazy about him talking to women
you are suggesting that it is me pursuing him and I’m not having it

Show quote history

@montea, he has told you not to message him outside work, but you do.
He used his wife as an excuse. His wife is pregnant and almost certainly perfectly sane.

Are you completely naive?

CleaningAngel · 15/04/2025 18:31

Beachybabe · 14/04/2025 21:58

I think she’s out of order and disrespectful but if I speak about it I get shut down and then we end up rowing with me in the wrong.
He said she’s having a hard time and he’s being a mate and that’s all.

Edited
Show quote history

Oh yeah that old chestnut 'iam just helping her through a hard time'
Thats how it always starts!
A woman's instinct is never wrong, you have every right to be concerned about this bunny boiler

JHound · 15/04/2025 18:38

Silverstars21 · 15/04/2025 17:24

In many womens eyes it certainly does matter. My DH has female colleagues who he is friendly with through work. Does he date them, or date other women,which after all is basically what meeting each other alone for meals etc is,absolutely not. If there are business lunches there are usually more than 2 attending. If not it's primarily to do with work & during working hours, all very acceptable.

Edited
Show quote history

But it doesn’t matter. It’s weird to insist the “other friends she can lean on” should be female.

AMurderofMurderingCrows · 15/04/2025 18:40

Get your husband told, in no uncertain terms, he needs to stop messaging the other woman. He's being disrespectful to you and your children.

Original poster
Beachybabe · 15/04/2025 18:42

so pi**ed off. Just had row. He mentioned she’d been on holiday and sent a picture of a bottle of his fav wine with ‘bought this for you xx’
I’m in the wrong tho as she’s just a mate and it was really sweet of her.
so fed up

OP posts:
JHound · 15/04/2025 18:44

Beachybabe · 15/04/2025 18:42

so pi**ed off. Just had row. He mentioned she’d been on holiday and sent a picture of a bottle of his fav wine with ‘bought this for you xx’
I’m in the wrong tho as she’s just a mate and it was really sweet of her.
so fed up

No matter what she is up to it’s clear he wants her.

That he is being so dismissive of your feelings.

EdithBond · 15/04/2025 18:46

Beachybabe · 15/04/2025 18:42

so pi**ed off. Just had row. He mentioned she’d been on holiday and sent a picture of a bottle of his fav wine with ‘bought this for you xx’
I’m in the wrong tho as she’s just a mate and it was really sweet of her.
so fed up

Not appropriate. Why would a platonic friend send this?