Woman and DH messaging nearly everyday

[Beachybabe]

Married 15 years, 2dc. All been pretty good between us. But, Dh recently became friends with one of his colleagues and now she messages him nearly every day. I’m ok with the occasional message but she’ll send him photos of her dinner, where she is that day and other messages. Don’t seem flirty but this feels way too intense. She’s single/younger than him. Both teachers so when it’s the school holidays her contacting him ramps up to this almost daily level.
He says nothing wrong with it and to stop being weird but I think its a bit concerning. Why does she want to share so much with him and why does he keep it going by replying to her messages? Help!

@Sassybooklover yep I wonder how many blokes would be cool with it

Have you asked him how he would feel if the boot was on the other foot , and a male friend or colleague was constantly messaging you and buying gifts.

Just assume he is attracted to her & follow the support found her - it'll be a good way to make him sit up & take notice of you as well as make him realise how lucky he is to have you.

https://www.chumplady.com

Ah, I was wondering when one would turn up. Weird and clingy 🙄

My friends DH left her last year for his female work friend. My friend had also been introduced to and was very friendly with the colleague, so you can imagine her horror when she realised what had been happening behind her back the whole time. Don't be a cool wife, it's a mugs game.

I don't message anyone that often, even work friends that I'm really close to. And I certainly wouldn't be messaging a married man that often (or hardly ever to be honest), purely out of respect for his wife. There's also no way my DH would be texting back like it was totally normal, or be shutting me down if I expressed concerns. It would only take me asking once "would you be happy if it was the other way around" to put an end to it.

There's a good book called 'Not just friends" by Dr Shirley Glass that he should read.

The excessive messaging and the gifts are crossing into emotional affair territory.

I have a very dear male friend of >25 years standing. We are much less in contact now than we used to be, but if ever- ever- his partner (or mine) told him (or me) that I was overstepping a line, I would be mortified and apologetic, and back right off from him. (Neither of our partners has ever said this and we give no reason to worry them.)

By contrast my ex had a friend that he made at work and when I said (after a couple of years of too-close behaviour and being put last) that it was too much, he told her and then their friendship carried on while I was excluded completely because I had “made her feel really awkward”.

The stories are worth comparing here as my ex made his relationship with that woman official some time after he and I broke up. Meanwhile my male friend and I are still dear to one another but very happily in our respective relationships, and we text very occasionally, and neither of our partners has cause to worry. @Beachybabe your case sounds rather similar to my ex and his “friend” from work, I’m sorry to say. His reaction tells you that he isn’t concerned about you or your feelings, he’s more worried about this new woman.

Start of an affair. It is.

OP, it is okay to have boundaries and tell him this is not okay. If he picks messaging her over your needs that tells you where his priorities are. You may have to tell him he needs to choose messaging her or being married to you. No one deserves to live like that in so much uncertainty. A man who loves you will protect your heart and won't want to hurt you and will avoid it at all costs.

Ah, I see. You can't be friends with a bloke without wanting to shag him. My standards of behaviour are considerably higher than yours I'm afraid.

@Montea I'm glad you posted. You've said what you're situation is. We can all guarantee that when you're the same age as this man (35), you'll see how inappropriate he was with you.
He's telling you his wife is xyz so you'll feel sorry for him, and think she is a cow. The fact that you feel bad for the wife means that you know what he is saying and doing is wrong.

Can't be that good of a relationship if he is looking deeper friendships outside home (not your fault necessarily, but clearly he's bored). How good looking is he? She might be doing you a favor, so you can leave guilt free. Maybe start dating somebody new, that would be pretty exciting, wouldn't it?

Wow, that'll definitely spice up romantic feelings of 15 year old marriage lol

If he is refusing to stop contact then I am afraid its already emotional affair territory. What man would pick another woman over his own wife? think about that.

You can be the 'cool wife' but that is enabling their affair.

I am quite hot headed so would have already given an ultimatum but I know many women prefer to keep quiet.

@Sassybooklover Absolute nonsense. There are just as many young women attracted to successful attractive older men as there are older men attracted to young women. It may not be for you but you can't generalise if the man is for example a Brad Pitt or George Clooney etc or in my case Tom Jones 😂

No, it's put up AND shut up

OR tell him to stop it or he's done.

I kept quiet, I was too scared of rocking the boat, and having him pick her instead of me. I’ve often wondered if things would have been different, if I’d read him the riot act?

But no one can compete with forbidden fruit, so I suspect he would still have chosen her

Yup. It's all transactional. My youth and beauty and fresh eggs in return for your money and prestige.

🤮🤮🤮

It sounds like he’s enjoying the attention. Maybe he’s attracted to her, maybe (hopefully) not, sounds like you need to have a word with him again

Similar happened to me and I was devastated at the time. I thought if I kept quiet things would blow over. But really, if they're already at this stage I am afraid that the writing is already on the wall. No one can say for sure of course, but it would do no harm at all to consult a lawyer and start thinking about a new life in the future without him. I have to say, the relief when ex and I eventually spilt was amazing - no more worrying, angsting and being put last.

Ah classic blaming the woman thing. Might as well blame a wife for keeping hostage and so unhappy too. Poor thing even had to stray and here's another women didn't direct it him back home.

Can we start putting responsibility on men for their actions for a change?

there won't be a family to keep together if this carries on , nip it in the bud right now, give him an ultimatum

You're not a pleasant acting person.

He might also have a crush on her.

In many womens eyes it certainly does matter. My DH has female colleagues who he is friendly with through work. Does he date them, or date other women,which after all is basically what meeting each other alone for meals etc is,absolutely not. If there are business lunches there are usually more than 2 attending. If not it's primarily to do with work & during working hours, all very acceptable.