Woman and DH messaging nearly everyday

[Beachybabe]

Married 15 years, 2dc. All been pretty good between us. But, Dh recently became friends with one of his colleagues and now she messages him nearly every day. I’m ok with the occasional message but she’ll send him photos of her dinner, where she is that day and other messages. Don’t seem flirty but this feels way too intense. She’s single/younger than him. Both teachers so when it’s the school holidays her contacting him ramps up to this almost daily level.
He says nothing wrong with it and to stop being weird but I think its a bit concerning. Why does she want to share so much with him and why does he keep it going by replying to her messages? Help!

Why do you think she is disrespectful but not your husband?

I should add that when my first husband started his affair, the two of them would always send 'good morning/good night' texts. He insisted this is all totally innocent, and that many people say good morning.

Damn I do that with all my closest friends.

Exactly.

Just friends, all innocent! Bollocks.

Actually, it is very sad that you have to explain such obvious things to your husband. I either heard or read somewhere this 'If you have to explain, you don't have to explain'. There always nutters from either sex - married males who love to go 'cold water swimming with women' and 'women who telephone and text married males', but they are none of our concern. Our concern is our spouses who should be able to tell right from wrong. Very, very sad.

It doesn't matter if it's innocent or not (I personally think it's on the age-old trajectory of ego boost --> emotional affair > real affair) but that is neither here nor there.

What matters is how it makes you feel and how your DH responds to those feelings.

If you have told him it's making you feel uncomfortable and worried, his response should be about reassuring you and finding ways to make you feel better (putting a brake on this daily communication). Anything else - justifying/making you feel shit/calling you controlling - is shit husbanding. End of.

OP, I think you're going to have to sit your husband down and really make him understand that this is not OK. Ask him what the problem is with him stopping, if she's only a work friend, and why only-a-work-friend comes above the feelings of his wife and mother of his children? I do think you should tackle this head-on with him. You don't have to be aggressive but I think you can be firm, especially about how upsetting this is to you. Any reasonable person who is genuinely not up to anything would understand. And even if the conversation doesn't go well, it will give you more information, and will make you feel better for sticking up for your feelings.

The wife is pregnant. PREGNANT. I know you won't go after him, but seriously, just back off him altogether.

His girlfriend seems nice, I don’t really know her. He’s met DH at social events a few times.

He does have friends. We do message fairly regularly about random crap. It’s really nothing more than that 😂

It’s normal to have female friends. The weird thing here is the daily contact? Are they best friends? Feels odd if they just met!

You already know what's what here. They are on the verge of making the beast with two backs and he's gaslighting you in the meantime. Next she'll be on the Geography residential with him, or whatever, despite teaching a totally different year group and subject area. Start incessantly texting the dude at the gym to see how he likes it.

Yes and you’re a woman so just stop

I honestly already think it’s too late. He’s having an emotional affair whether he’s willing to acknowledge it or not.

He’s showed you that he’s ok with treating you this way and he’s favouring her feelings over his own wife’s.

Having been cheated on in my 20s, I learned a hard lesson that as soon as anything like this happens, it’s all over.

I don’t believe for a second that she’s just a mate and that trust for me would be gone forever. I value trust more than anything in a relationship so once it’s been broken, it’s done.

I had one of these situations going on with ex-DP. He's now married to her with 2 kids.

I was the last to know. Ohhh...and I was going through fertility treatment at the time.

If he's complaining to a young woman about his pregnant wife, he is being extremely disloyal to her. Tell him that you don't want to know and that it's hard being pregnant, and tell him to fix things with his wife. If you really are that innocent, then be a sister and support a pregnant woman's marriage. You should let him know that you don't want to know about his personal life, stop texting him except for work things, and donate the baby toy elsewhere. And get a boyfriend - someone closer to your age. You don't want someone 16 years older and certainly not a man like that. Imagine being pregnant and your husband is complaining about you to a woman 16 years your junior! Even if your intentions are pure, just think how awful that is of him. Trust us older women - this is completely inappropriate, and the consequences for you are negative office gossip at best, and a lot worse if you do grow closer and the inevitable happens.

I have a male friend I text every day. We compare weight and exercise goals as well as the odd meme. But I cleared it with my DH and his DW first, I didn't want anyone to be upset. We are both "aspie" so there's no flirting or anything.

This on the other hand is crossing a line. She is either "keeping him on the hook" or has a genuine interest. Unless they have a niche hobby - which it doesn't sound like.

just so you know, when i said 'back yourself off' i didn't mean it as in 'back off you're out of line' i meant it as in, take a step back for your own safety before he tries to draw you any further in,... if that makes sense?

I'm quite concerned, having been you (19 with a 33yo man in my case), that you're putting yourself at risk of harm, not because you are doing anything wrong, but because HE shouldn't be encouraging it or approaching you.

Hind sight is always 20/20, so i hope you can take the advice of someone who wishes she'd had someone like me to say this to her back then.. it could have saved me SO much pain and trauma. Please just look after yourself and watch what he's playing at with you.

Sorry! But something is going on, if it isn't yet, it will be at some point. This is just the start, he could easily say to her sorry my wife isn't comfortable with this (understandably) and she should get it. Also he should be fine doing that.....unless he will miss her messages and gifts from her and the attention.

I was thinking to myself that it wasn’t nice of him to talk about his wife and I feel sorry for her because she is pregnant but like I said I didn’t feel like I could say anything. In real life I am shy and I don’t feel comfortable talking to anyone in general or being so direct. I really want to avoid conflict as much as possible.

Tell him you dont accept this 3rd person. He may feel flattered, but you are hurt.
He needs to accept that your feeling matter.
So theres 2 routes, he invites her to tea & shows her his happy family
or, he ceases responding.
if he refuses either then you will have grasped the message & will be seeking legal advice on divorce, because its not harmless, he's lapping up the attention. Buffing up his ego. & it will inevitably lead to an affair, that he is doing nothing to avoid.
So he needs to deal with it.

@Montea not attacking you at all. Just wanted to say be wary of this man. I was in a similar situation when i was 18ish and he was in his 30's (driving instructor)
he use to complain to me about his life and how hard things were now that him and his girlfriend had a 3 month old baby. Of course, he eventually tried to initiate something with me [insert sick noise here]
I got a new instructor.

Out of curiosity how did he try to initiate something? What were the events in the lead up? I want to know how far this has gone in my own situation

Have you asked him how he would feel if you were having daily messages and photos from 'Bob' a younger, single bloke from work, who occasionally bought you little presents, and was having a 'rough time'????!! I suspect he wouldn't be too keen on that idea! Yes, it's entirely possible that your husband genuinely believes he's being nothing more than a friend, and sees the presents as his colleague being sweet and grateful for his support. Some men are completely clueless when it comes to the opposite sex. However, equally he could be feeling rather flattered that she's chosen him to be her friend, likes the presents and having his ego scratched. It could also be a prelude to a physical or emotional affair. Unfortunately, it's difficult to know. How much younger is she? If your husband is 50, and she's 25, then realistically, would she be interested? At 25, I wouldn't have been interested in a 50 year old bloke on a sexual level. If your husband is 40 and she's only 30, then, that's not beyond the realms of possibility!

@Montea I am a bit confused. Maybe I missed something but from what you said you have polite conversations at work that sometimes turn into him having a moan about his wife. You text him about work and also send him pictures which he doesn’t respond and has told you this is out of respect for his wife who doesn’t feel comfortable with him messaging female work colleagues. All seems reasonable to me.

Not great complaining about his wife but without specifics it’s hard to gauge how inappropriate it is. I moan about my husband to work friends when he has annoyed me. If he has set a boundary (not messaging other woman) no matter how innocent, you should respect it. Not sure what your issue is as this post is clearly not about you but I think you may think everything is as you have managed to turn an innocent scenario into something way bigger. At 19 I wouldn’t be giving this man a second thought. You don’t need to be ‘friends’ with him.