How do I stop attracting cocklodgers?

[Kaltenzahn]

I'm almost 30 and haven't had a significant relationship in around 4 years. The last few men I've dated have shown major cocklodger red flags a few months in, which has massively turned me off and I've ended things pretty soon after.

I'm not sure where I'm going wrong - whether I'm attracting the wrong type of guy or whether there are early warning signs that I'm missing.

I don't know what to do! I'd love to find a healthy relationship but I'm losing hope, the last 4 men I've dated have all turned out the exact same way.

How do I stop attracting this kind of man, or how do I spot them early on and save myself wasting my time? Is this just part of the shit that comes with dating in your 30s?

Help!

Where/how did you meet them?

I met one at work, one on the apps and two through mutual hobbies.

Are you picking men who have split up from their previous partners and are living in scabby rented bedsits or back home with their mum and dad?

Maybe go for solvent homeowners in future. 😂

When you say cocklodger exactly what sort of behaviour do you mean? I assume you mean, 3 months in, they’ve moved themselves in conveniently. The most obvious thing is to only date men who are stably housed. They own or rent their own place. No lodging situations, no living in a mate’s shed, no living with their mum or their ex. No man with a secure tenancy or a mortgage on his own home will want to move into yours after a couple months. Because he’ll be settled and independent with commitments to keep to his tenancy agreement or mortgage.

Only date men with decent jobs and their own home.
Ask questions to see what sort of lifestyle they have before meeting them.
Dump them after the first date if they are cheap or show any red flags.

Cocklodgers are men who move into your home and don’t contribute. Are you letting men move in with you very quickly? If so the obvious answer is don’t live together

The last 4 guys I've dated:

1. Asked to move in after 6 weeks because his landlord wanted to increase the rent.

1. Said I should put bunk beds up in my spare room so he could have his kids overnight as his flat didn't have enough space (It was 3 months in and I hadn't met his kids).

1. Was offended that I asked him to go home when I went to work. He said it didn't make sense for my house to be empty all day while he had to go back to his flat with his flatmate.

1. Was just generally cheap and always wanted to come to mine rather than going out/going to his place.

I'm not letting them move in, but they have indicated that they want to move in or have tried to unofficially move in by basically not going home 😂

Well it looks that way! But I'm not seeking them out, they just seem to find me! I worry that I would limit my options by only dating homeowners, or that people would think I'm shallow/a gold digger.

At least they’re showing their red flags early on 🤣

Id dat make it cjear from start you have no intentions of cohabitating any time soon, you go on proper dates not just back to yours and insist on spending as much time at his place as yours.

Absolutely do not let on that you own your home.
Go with high rent and bills to pay.

Cheap men, being the slightest bit tight is not worth doing a 3rd date with.

Well done for standing your ground and not falling prey. It sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders.
There are many, many frogs out there hoping to be kissed. The pond is slimy. Keep throwing back the toads. Eventually, a human, perhaps even a prince, will emerge. Meantime, enjoy the hopping and don't be rushed into accepting a pest. If you set your sights on 'temporary' that will help weed out the short-term fails.

You are a catch! Resist the losers!

As pps say, stick to dating without sleeping with them for a bit longer, so you get more of a sense of where they are at in their life, circumstances and attitudes. And probably expect to be single a bit more?

These guys all sound quite immature in that it hasn't occurred to them that what suits them isn't automatically the best thing for you. Sounds daft but honestly a lot of men just don't get this! So keep a watching brief for whether they seem genuinely able to consider and really see you (rather than just love bombing/ wheeling out the kind of "women like compliments/flowers/being walked home" kind of stuff that is completely impersonal.

There is nothing wrong with wanting a man who is solvent and has his own home. If you have kids with him, he will need to support them. "Gold digger" is a slur used to shame women who want their children's father to be able to provide for those children.

Look up Female Dating Strategy.

@Kaltenzahn make a firm rule and set a date for yourself, no-one moves into your home until you decide (e.g. may consider after 9-12 months)

You have all the control lovely.

You’re doing a great job, you are spotting the early warning signs and you are getting rid!

Nothing wrong with stipulating that you want to date someone who is employed and owns their own home.

Oh and the minute a man with children reveals that he doesn’t have them overnight as his flat didn't have enough space or whatever other ludicrous excuse he comes up with, bin him.

Do you have any behaviour that could appear as "too nice"? For example, do you struggle to say No to people around you? Do you speak up when you disagree with something or just let it slide?
Honestly those men seem to have zero dignity to me. And they could have spotted you as someone who they can take advantage of financially rather than having a genuine interest in you.
I also attracted lots of wrong people when I was in my twenties. But since I learnt to say no, became very selective, I started to weed out a lot of this low quality men and get to meet nice ones.

You don't need to announce the fact you're only dating homeowners 😂 Just subtly find out their housing situation to prequalify anyone before you start dating.

On bumble usually they say own house own car. Ensure they have a mortgage and their own car. They won't want to move in then. Also go for a virgo or Capricorn man they tend to be hard working and have ambition.

I think the OP is genuinely wondering where to meet men who are single and are not looking to cocklodge or for a nanny with a fanny, or a nurse with a purse, and I have to say they’re bloody hard to find.

Anyone who isn’t currently single and looking has no idea how fucking tough it is out there in the singles market.

The dating apps are awful, filled with misogynists, liars (whether it’s about their height, income or current relationship status) and the dregs of single men.

Meeting men “out & about in real life” is fucking impossible, you can socialise, do hobbies galore, gym, walk, pub, club, but again the world seems full of married/partnered men or ones who just want a shag.

If you ask any of your friends/colleagues/family members if they know any decent single man they rarely do and IF they do the reason they’re single turns out to be that they cheated because their pregnant wife didn’t give them enough attention or similar.

And then there’s all the men who still live with their parents/in a flat share/with their wife (but on the sofa, honest) or in a studio flat which doesn’t have enough room for their three kids to stay which is why they’re desperately keen to find a woman with her own home.

Solidarity OP, it’s shit out there and if any poster says differently, they should back it up with a photo of their hot single brother/friend/colleague and include his stats and location, plus the evidence to prove he’s not a potential cocklodger and we can all form an orderly queue.

Absolutely this - I’m almost twice the OP’s age and it’s just as bad.

Im watching Holiday Love Rats as I type and my jaw is hitting the floor

I agree with you about the frogs! Around late 20s the dating pool seems to turn into a more of a swamp 😓

One way I suppose is to ensure you only try with men who are financially secure in their own right, home owners would be a starting point but it may cut your dating pool quite significantly

Solidarity to you too @nopineapplepizza and @TwistedWonder

It's so frustrating because I put dating on the back burner in my early 20s as I wanted to focus on my career and getting myself in secure financial position. Now I'm finally in a good place in the rest of my life I foolishly thought dating would be easier as I have more to offer, but I only seem to be finding men who want to take everything and offer nothing in return.

Maybe! I did worry that I was giving off the vibe that I'm a soft touch 😅 although I'm very tough in my work life I try and give people the benefit of the doubt in my personal life - which doesn't seem to be working!

Conversely I complained to my male friend the other day and he said that I'm too independent and that's putting off decent men - apparently a decent man wants to be a provider and feel needed. So it looks like we can't win either way!