Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How do I stop attracting cocklodgers?

128 replies

Kaltenzahn · 13/04/2025 18:51

I'm almost 30 and haven't had a significant relationship in around 4 years. The last few men I've dated have shown major cocklodger red flags a few months in, which has massively turned me off and I've ended things pretty soon after.

I'm not sure where I'm going wrong - whether I'm attracting the wrong type of guy or whether there are early warning signs that I'm missing.

I don't know what to do! I'd love to find a healthy relationship but I'm losing hope, the last 4 men I've dated have all turned out the exact same way.

How do I stop attracting this kind of man, or how do I spot them early on and save myself wasting my time? Is this just part of the shit that comes with dating in your 30s?

Help!

OP posts:
Original poster
Kaltenzahn · 14/04/2025 10:51

hestkuk · 14/04/2025 10:01

You are doing all the right things, you just need to think of ways to weed out the men who aren’t right for you sooner. For example, make sure you visit them as soon as possible to see how they live. anyone who isn’t happily living in a clean comfortable home - ditch them. Not just because they are likely to want to slide into your home, but if they are ok living in squalor then that tells you a lot about their character.

This is good.
I was caught out by one who was lodging in a friend's home. He was actually paying rent etc. The friend was living in a shit tip - ie. the lounge, kitchen and bathroom were a mess. My ex's room was a hovel. He had all kinds of excuses as to why he was living in a shit tip - friend was responsible for cleaning the house; ex had too much stuff so his room was cluttered; he'd had to move out of a previous flat for some unclear (to me) reason and that's why he was lodging there with a load of stuff in a small room.

I was taken in by this bollocks and felt a bit sorry for him. But no, it just turned out he was an absolute slob and a cocklodger to boot.

I have since learned that if I ever start to "feel a bit sorry" for some boyfriend in the early stages that I should dump them immediately because it's a very bad sign.

As for the gold digging stuff - it's not gold digging for wanting to find a partner who is in a similar financial situation to yourself so that means if you own your own home they should ideally be a homeowner too, or at least be saving towards buying a property while living in their own rental place; if you are renting they should also be renting somewhere not lodging or crashing at a mate's place.
There shouldn't be a massive difference in circumstances - an example of that would be you owning your own property and him living with his parents and behaving like a 17 year old, not contributing, not doing chores and coming and going as they please with no responsibility and not a care in the world.

As for the own car thing - that depends on where you live. If you live in a city with good transport links then he might not need a car. I didn't until I was 36 and moved somewhere in the countryside with next to no public transport.
If they are being lifted and laid by parents and/or friends because they either a) can't be arsed to get a bus in a place with good public transport or b) they live somewhere impractical and don't have a car, I would avoid them because you'll end up being a taxi service.

That is such a good point about avoiding anyone who makes you feel sorry for them! In hindsight quite a few of the men I've dated before have dropped some sob story to explain why they're not in a great financial/housing position pretty early on.
I've always tried to be understanding because I know life can be tough and with CoL the way it is a lot of people are struggling, but really someone coming in early on with a bunch of excuses is probably a bit of a warning sign that they're someone who doesn't take responsibility for their own situation.

OP posts:
Original poster
Kaltenzahn · 14/04/2025 11:01

Rainbowqueeen · 13/04/2025 23:32

Try the "Ask a matchmaker 12 date rule" before having sex - it's not 12 dates necessarily (phone calls can count as dates) but the aim is to:

  1. See how they behave when you are having a bad day
  2. See how they behave when they are having a bad day
  3. See how they behave when you are having a good day
  4. See how they behave when they are having a good day

She would say that number 3 is most important - are they genuinely pleased for you if something good happens in your life or do they rubbish your achievements?

I love this advice thank you, that's another really great point. One of the reasons my relationship with my ex-partner fell apart was because he couldn't be happy for me when I achieved anything (eg I got a promotion at work and instead of being happy for me he speculated that they needed a woman to tick a diversity box 😂). That whole relationship did a number on my self worth and I don't want to relive it!

OP posts:
BlondiePortz · 14/04/2025 11:06

Be happy on on your own and not desperate for a relationship

Serendipetty · 14/04/2025 11:11

What was your response to the guy who wanted to stay while you went to work please? This is a very common scenario I find myself in when dating. They just want to doss about-I don't like it! And never know what to say because, well there's not a real 'good' reason for them not to stay while I go to work, is there?

Disclaimer, I don't date men-but women do this too!

Bittenonce · 14/04/2025 11:11

I’m now thinking about a woman ex colleague, divorced in her late 30s suddenly trying OLD to find a lifetime partner. Nobody stood a chance unless they were the right age, location, education, assets & income, home situation. Completely unemotional and clinical…. I started thinking this was a bit arse about face, definitely a more Asian way of approaching relationships to put the logical stuff up front rather than the more Western way where we tend to go with emotional / physical connection to start with and then find out the other issues once we’ve got some emotional commitment. But it’s worked for her…

Rainbowqueeen · 14/04/2025 11:21

You’re most welcome. She has a podcast which gives really good dating advice.

I also really like her 321 first date prep so I’ll give you that too!!

Before a first date write down 3 things that made you laugh that week. Then talk about them on the date. We all want someone with a good sense of humour - this is how you work out if they laugh at the same things as you.

then write down 2 things that are unique and special about you. Also talk about these to gauge their reaction. It’s how you can tell if they are into you as the unique special person that you are or if they just want a GF.

then write down that you are going to have fun on the date and give the other person grace as first dates are always a bit nerve wracking

SpainToday · 14/04/2025 11:27

Bittenonce · 14/04/2025 11:11

I’m now thinking about a woman ex colleague, divorced in her late 30s suddenly trying OLD to find a lifetime partner. Nobody stood a chance unless they were the right age, location, education, assets & income, home situation. Completely unemotional and clinical…. I started thinking this was a bit arse about face, definitely a more Asian way of approaching relationships to put the logical stuff up front rather than the more Western way where we tend to go with emotional / physical connection to start with and then find out the other issues once we’ve got some emotional commitment. But it’s worked for her…

I think previous generations used to do this too - there are worse strategies!

Ohnobackagain · 14/04/2025 11:39

@Kaltenzahn for a start, play your cards close to your chest with regard to what you tell people. Not just blokes. I don’t tell people what I earn or who I live with. I’m not ultra-suspicious but basically I think it is sensible to be relatively private. So I wouldn’t volunteer that I was buying a place. If someone wants to think I have a lodger, they are welcome to think that. Also wouldn’t invite people to mine right away.

On second thoughts, if I were not in a relationship now, clearly I’d never let anyone else near me so maybe don’t listen to what I say unless you want to be single 🫣😬

Pigeonqueen · 14/04/2025 11:43

Bittenonce · 14/04/2025 11:11

I’m now thinking about a woman ex colleague, divorced in her late 30s suddenly trying OLD to find a lifetime partner. Nobody stood a chance unless they were the right age, location, education, assets & income, home situation. Completely unemotional and clinical…. I started thinking this was a bit arse about face, definitely a more Asian way of approaching relationships to put the logical stuff up front rather than the more Western way where we tend to go with emotional / physical connection to start with and then find out the other issues once we’ve got some emotional commitment. But it’s worked for her…

The older I get the better an approach I think this is. Sexual attraction causes so many problems really. Ive always been attracted to arseholes.

Serendipetty · 14/04/2025 11:57

Quiceinalifetime · 14/04/2025 07:51

Sticking to men who live independently in accommodation that meets their needs is a good idea, but some people don’t own a car for environmental reasons or because of poor eyesight or something- don’t throw them out as well. The key thing is can they get about independently or will they be telying on you.

Show quote history

I'd personally never date anyone without a car. I know that narrows my dating pool (and It's shallow enough with my being a middle aged lesbian) but just no, I'd hate to be the one always driving everywhere if we go away, always having to stay sober at functions, always being expected to pick someone up. Just last week I had an accident while exercising and had to take a taxi home as wasn't able to walk well- fine, I am single but if I was in a relationship and my partner was sitting at home but unable to come and pick me up? No.

Tbrh · 14/04/2025 12:12

Kaltenzahn · 13/04/2025 19:16

Well it looks that way! But I'm not seeking them out, they just seem to find me! I worry that I would limit my options by only dating homeowners, or that people would think I'm shallow/a gold digger.

Show quote history

There's nothing wrong with being shallow, it's called having standards. No way I'd be with anyone earning below a certain income and by a certain age they should own their own home too.

Bittenonce · 14/04/2025 12:18

Kaltenzahn · 13/04/2025 19:16

Well it looks that way! But I'm not seeking them out, they just seem to find me! I worry that I would limit my options by only dating homeowners, or that people would think I'm shallow/a gold digger.

Show quote history

You’re wrong to worry about that - be fussy!
Keep your standards high to avoid disappointment later….

Humpsr · 14/04/2025 12:25

Oh and regarding being a gold digger?

I'll take that rather than end up with some lazy selfish waster who is looking to live off me.

I have a MC background where people work, achieve, build successful futures.

Why on earth would I have any interest in a pity package with no money, prospects whom hasn't their shit together?

Checking out where they live quickly is a good one.
Car owner, in a career, working towards success.
No hint of meanness whatsoever.
Financial sensible, sure, tight, absolutely not.

OP, you have been given good advice.
Pity is a toxic emotion to feel at the beginning of a relationship.

Men are not a project.
You are not their saviour.

That dynamic is toxic to you and a good future.
Resist it relentlessly.

user1492757084 · 14/04/2025 12:42

Some ideas..

Choose men without children.
Meet them at DIY woodwork clubs.
Meet them at gardening groups.
Meet them at clubs that are a little expensive - like sailing or golf.
Meet them at volunteer groups - SES, fire brigade, church, soup kitchens.

Do you have any brothers or cousins who have contacts?

Presume the men you want to meet have a busy career and own their own home. Where would they hang out?
Where would you want them to live? Visit the local pubs. Volunteer to save local wild life.

Don't allow men to move in. Visit each other. Meet each other's family and friends. Does he hang out with loosers?
Do your families align in general work ethic and cultural values?

Be more fussy and vigilant when in the early days of dating.
Once certain, obtain a level of mutual commitment before moving in together.
Negotiate a similar time line for important milestones - eg marriage before children, engagement before house purchase together. Discuss children - if and when.

Red flags waving about are warnings that you are wasting your own time.

hestkuk · 14/04/2025 12:44

Humpsr · 14/04/2025 12:25

Oh and regarding being a gold digger?

I'll take that rather than end up with some lazy selfish waster who is looking to live off me.

I have a MC background where people work, achieve, build successful futures.

Why on earth would I have any interest in a pity package with no money, prospects whom hasn't their shit together?

Checking out where they live quickly is a good one.
Car owner, in a career, working towards success.
No hint of meanness whatsoever.
Financial sensible, sure, tight, absolutely not.

OP, you have been given good advice.
Pity is a toxic emotion to feel at the beginning of a relationship.

Men are not a project.
You are not their saviour.

That dynamic is toxic to you and a good future.
Resist it relentlessly.

Excellent post

Tyronee · 14/04/2025 12:48

We can work something out. DM me

EarthSight · 14/04/2025 12:50

@nopineapplepizza Yes that's my experience. I haven't had the misfortune of actually meeting up with them, because of the hundreds of profiles I swiped, I didn't truly fancy or like any of those men. There were only a very small handful of 'maybes' (but with major drawbacks like not having mush common, but the rest were either strange, vain or clueless.

In one case, one guy had labelled himself as straight. However, I have a fairly good gaydar having worked in certain gay-popular industries for year. Upon taking a closer look at a photo of him sat on an outdoor restaurant table on a balmy holiday, it transpired that he'd clearly cut out the other guy, but had forgotten to edit out the big man hand that was romantically placed upon his on the table 😂These men clearly just want a womb and probably plan to walk away from the poor woman after a few years, back to their gay life.

I could have made more of an effort to find someone to have children with before my late 30s, but when I feel bad about that, I remember what I saw and just think I might have saved myself a lot of hassle, heartbreak and potential abuse.

The odds are pretty much 0% for me as I don't want someone who already has children. I think there are a lot of good men & fathers out there who simply picked the wrong woman or grew apart, and maybe I'm missing out, but I don't want to be 3rd priority in someone's life (after his children, and the mother of his children).

ChristmasFluff · 14/04/2025 12:52

One really easy way to rule out the scroungers is to bin off any man who doesn't pay for the first date. Offer to pay half, and the best men will refuse and say 'we'll go halves the next time'. If they do pay, and don't mention going halves next time, then I always say, 'oh, well just this once then' - to make it clear I'm not expecting this all the time.

Your male friend isn't a million miles from the truth, however 'outdated' his views are. Whenever I've gone out with men who don't pay for the first date, they have turned out to be either mean, or cocklodgers, or both. That's not to say that every man who pays for the first date is NOT those things, but unwillingess to try to impress you by paying is a definite sign - more so than having a car!

TwistedWonder · 14/04/2025 13:06

Rainbowqueeen · 14/04/2025 11:21

You’re most welcome. She has a podcast which gives really good dating advice.

I also really like her 321 first date prep so I’ll give you that too!!

Before a first date write down 3 things that made you laugh that week. Then talk about them on the date. We all want someone with a good sense of humour - this is how you work out if they laugh at the same things as you.

then write down 2 things that are unique and special about you. Also talk about these to gauge their reaction. It’s how you can tell if they are into you as the unique special person that you are or if they just want a GF.

then write down that you are going to have fun on the date and give the other person grace as first dates are always a bit nerve wracking

I know some swear by these saying coaches but honestly I think they’re grifters and this sounds like my idea of the date from hell.

I can’t stand these contrived ‘rules’ and date prep - just turn up and be yourself without these silly games.

Humpsr · 14/04/2025 13:33

I think educating yourself when dating and keeping your wits about you is wise.

Look at subtle clues.
Definitely not paying for a first date should be a clue.
I hate meanness so whilst I had plenty of my own money, I feel meanness, any hint of it is a deal breaker.

I am that combination of very financially astute but very generous too.
I love a bargin, value for money but love to give.

Being wary, suspicious and looking closely at someone, not ignoring niggles, served me well.

Listen to your gut closely.

Oh and any man whining on about bad luck, financial misfortune or any hint of it should not get a second date.

Embrace being picky whilst keeping your financial good fortune in owning your home strictly to yourself.

I have dear friends of 50 years whom have no idea to just how well off I am.

They would never know because money never changed me, I always valued it and I still like value for it.

A man who doesn't have his financial shit together is not worth the effort.

Years ago a friend of mine with a great job and home of her own met a free spirited artist at a party.
He was good fun, interesting, and easy company.
They had a great summer together but 3 months in he needed to move house and asked if she would put him up for a bit.
She said No that she had no interest in a flatmate.
He was surprised because she had 3 free bedrooms.
She told him that it was best they go their own ways as it had been summer fun.
He called her a gold digger, even though he was the one who needed a bed for a couple of weeks.
Thankfully she wasn't dim.
He was fun but she wasn't looking for a dependant.
She found him eventually and lives a great child free life with a great high profile career.

SpainToday · 14/04/2025 13:39

I'd personally never date anyone without a car. I know that narrows my dating pool, but just no, I'd hate to be the one always driving everywhere if we go away, always having to stay sober at functions, always being expected to pick someone up.

Same here. Many years ago, I declined a date with a VERY nice looking guy, because he didn't drive. He just never got round to it. This completely emasculated him, IMO.

Last year I mentioned this on MN, and got absolutely annihilated though. MN can be strange at times!!!

iamnotalemon · 14/04/2025 13:45

Conversely I complained to my male friend the other day and he said that I'm too independent and that's putting off decent men - apparently a decent man wants to be a provider and feel needed. So it looks like we can't win either way!

This viewpoint really irritates me! I would say a ‘decent’ man would value you for being independent and what you bring to the table. It’s the pathetic men with egos that don’t want an independent woman that have a problem with it. A provider and feel needed, FFS!!

At this point in my life I’d rather stay independent and single than have to deal with ‘dimming my light’ to make a man feel better about himself.

TheHistorian · 14/04/2025 14:09

Another friend of mine married a 'hobosexual', I love that phrase! despite my best efforts to dissuade her.
He was:
Unemployed
Living in a bedsit
No car or assets (late forties)
No relationship with his children
Claiming his ex girlfriend beat him up, poor me

What I saw was someone who is full of himself, over six foot tall and past history as 'bad boy' which he likes to brag about.
Within days he'd moved in, was being treated to his first ever foreign holiday. Discarded a reasonable job opportunity and eventually ended up in a minimum wage job that suited him better ie could spend the afternoons in the pub.

We're no longer friends, partly due to his subsequent behaviours.

Just choose the absolute opposite as a potential partner and you'll be fine!

Serendipetty · 14/04/2025 14:14

SpainToday · 14/04/2025 13:39

I'd personally never date anyone without a car. I know that narrows my dating pool, but just no, I'd hate to be the one always driving everywhere if we go away, always having to stay sober at functions, always being expected to pick someone up.

Same here. Many years ago, I declined a date with a VERY nice looking guy, because he didn't drive. He just never got round to it. This completely emasculated him, IMO.

Last year I mentioned this on MN, and got absolutely annihilated though. MN can be strange at times!!!

I have been 'told off' for it too!

I just won't. If that means I stay single, fair play the universe.
It does emasculate, I agree but being a lesbian I guess that doesn't apply to me so much-it somehow feels that I am more of an adult than them? I guess-it makes me feel 'in charge' or as if I am the one looking after someone rather than a relationship with equal responsibility and care. If I dated someone without a car now the dynamic would instantly be that I am in charge and I don't think that's healthy.
I understand others may not feel the same-just in every bit of life it infiltrates. We need some shopping-falls to me, I have a car. Going on a day out-I have the choice of driving or getting on public transport, never can it be me who's driven. Emergency? Me. Holiday hire car? Me. Partner wants a bottle of wine/bar of chocolate after hours but the only shop isn't walking distance? I drive them or go myself- such a meanie if I don't even though I might not want whatever it is.

The other adult gets to shirk this and I just will not do it ever.

TokyoKyoto · 14/04/2025 14:20

My first thought is that on no account should you be blaming yourself: this is a men problem. It's not so much you're attracting them, as that there seem to be a fuck of a lot of them around.

Agree about sussing out where they live early on, and being ruthless about ditching a guy who hasn't got something decent together by age 30. Definitely if they live in a hovel: avoid!