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Original poster

How do I stop attracting cocklodgers?

128 replies

Kaltenzahn · 13/04/2025 18:51

I'm almost 30 and haven't had a significant relationship in around 4 years. The last few men I've dated have shown major cocklodger red flags a few months in, which has massively turned me off and I've ended things pretty soon after.

I'm not sure where I'm going wrong - whether I'm attracting the wrong type of guy or whether there are early warning signs that I'm missing.

I don't know what to do! I'd love to find a healthy relationship but I'm losing hope, the last 4 men I've dated have all turned out the exact same way.

How do I stop attracting this kind of man, or how do I spot them early on and save myself wasting my time? Is this just part of the shit that comes with dating in your 30s?

Help!

OP posts:
CruCru · 14/04/2025 14:41

Honestly? They get a slating on here but The Rules may actually help. Stuff like not getting too serious too soon, only moving in together once you have set a wedding date, not oversharing, taking job opportunities when they come up. The old ones (I am old) were written in rather a twee, American way but I understand they have been updated.

If a man really wanted to move him and his children in quickly, he’d move on out of frustration.

I read them when I was in my twenties and I think they served as a proxy for how you might act if you had really high self esteem.

frozendaisy · 14/04/2025 15:06

"You could get bunk beds so my kids can stay"

"Are you out of your fucking mind"

frozendaisy · 14/04/2025 15:08

"Get your own fucking bunk beds and sleep on the sofa"

I would be hopping mad if anyone suggested this to me. On so many levels.

Still it got rid of one I guess.

Yellowsunbeams · 14/04/2025 15:25

Don't worry about being a gold digger. I mean the reason why you shouldn't worry about being a gold digger is that men obviously see you as a soft touch not a gold digger.

Nothing wrong with wanting to date solvent men. Don't prioritise looks - you don't need a chap of 6 '4" with great hair and washboard abs. Prioritise men who are employed, not burdened with excessive children and who own their own house. You are not missing out an important part of the dating pool if you avoid poverty stricken men with child support obligations who wish to house themselves and their children at your expense.

Original poster
Kaltenzahn · 14/04/2025 19:02

Serendipetty · 14/04/2025 11:11

What was your response to the guy who wanted to stay while you went to work please? This is a very common scenario I find myself in when dating. They just want to doss about-I don't like it! And never know what to say because, well there's not a real 'good' reason for them not to stay while I go to work, is there?

Disclaimer, I don't date men-but women do this too!

First I made a jokey comment about him only dating me for my Netflix subscription, he didn't take the hint and kept pushing it so I said I'd feel uncomfortable with someone being in my house all day while I was at work. He took this very badly and went on about lack of trust, saying I may as well just accuse him of being a thief and did we even have a future if I didn't trust him in my house???

His reaction was a massive red flag in itself and I ended things the following day.

OP posts:
Original poster
Kaltenzahn · 14/04/2025 19:24

Serendipetty · 14/04/2025 14:14

I have been 'told off' for it too!

I just won't. If that means I stay single, fair play the universe.
It does emasculate, I agree but being a lesbian I guess that doesn't apply to me so much-it somehow feels that I am more of an adult than them? I guess-it makes me feel 'in charge' or as if I am the one looking after someone rather than a relationship with equal responsibility and care. If I dated someone without a car now the dynamic would instantly be that I am in charge and I don't think that's healthy.
I understand others may not feel the same-just in every bit of life it infiltrates. We need some shopping-falls to me, I have a car. Going on a day out-I have the choice of driving or getting on public transport, never can it be me who's driven. Emergency? Me. Holiday hire car? Me. Partner wants a bottle of wine/bar of chocolate after hours but the only shop isn't walking distance? I drive them or go myself- such a meanie if I don't even though I might not want whatever it is.

The other adult gets to shirk this and I just will not do it ever.

Show quote history

I did date one guy who couldn't drive (no disability, just didn't learn) and I felt like his mum driving him around. In general I actually prefer driving than being the passenger, but when a 30 year old man starts asking to be picked up/dropped off places it just kills the attraction for me. At the bare minimum you've got to get about your daily life without relying on another person.

He also lied, telling me he sold his car when I later found out he had never owned a car and hadn't even bothered to have a single driving lesson 🤦‍♀️ so another bullet dodged!

OP posts:
hestkuk · 14/04/2025 19:26

Serendipetty · 14/04/2025 14:14

I have been 'told off' for it too!

I just won't. If that means I stay single, fair play the universe.
It does emasculate, I agree but being a lesbian I guess that doesn't apply to me so much-it somehow feels that I am more of an adult than them? I guess-it makes me feel 'in charge' or as if I am the one looking after someone rather than a relationship with equal responsibility and care. If I dated someone without a car now the dynamic would instantly be that I am in charge and I don't think that's healthy.
I understand others may not feel the same-just in every bit of life it infiltrates. We need some shopping-falls to me, I have a car. Going on a day out-I have the choice of driving or getting on public transport, never can it be me who's driven. Emergency? Me. Holiday hire car? Me. Partner wants a bottle of wine/bar of chocolate after hours but the only shop isn't walking distance? I drive them or go myself- such a meanie if I don't even though I might not want whatever it is.

The other adult gets to shirk this and I just will not do it ever.

Show quote history

Everyone can decide what their own dealbreaker is and you don't want someone who can't drive/doesn't have a car. You've explained it very well actually.

I didn't learn to drive until I was 36 and living somewhere with poor public transport. Before that I lived in a city and I really didn't need a car. Partners I had at the time didn't have cars either because nobody needed one where we lived. Everything was easily accessible by public transport or taxis.

But you are so right that there's an imbalance when one person has a car and the other doesn't. Can't be arsed waiting at a cold bus stop? Get partner to pick you up. Need to get some shopping in? You've spent years shoving it in a rucksack and getting the bus home, now you've got a partner with a car...

Even with the best of intentions it ends up being a burden on one person. I think you have to both be able to drive or neither.

Mls1984btc · 14/04/2025 19:31

Good for you op for standing your ground - I'd have done the same.

Dating pool is a cesspit at the moment, not just from the posts from MN but is a general consensus from my single friends too.

Widowerwouldyou · 14/04/2025 19:32

tarheelbaby · 13/04/2025 19:24

Well done for standing your ground and not falling prey. It sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders.
There are many, many frogs out there hoping to be kissed. The pond is slimy. Keep throwing back the toads. Eventually, a human, perhaps even a prince, will emerge. Meantime, enjoy the hopping and don't be rushed into accepting a pest. If you set your sights on 'temporary' that will help weed out the short-term fails.

You are a catch! Resist the losers!

The pond is slimy -great expression and so true!!!!!!!! 😂😂

Hastentoadd · 14/04/2025 19:33

Kaltenzahn · 14/04/2025 19:24

I did date one guy who couldn't drive (no disability, just didn't learn) and I felt like his mum driving him around. In general I actually prefer driving than being the passenger, but when a 30 year old man starts asking to be picked up/dropped off places it just kills the attraction for me. At the bare minimum you've got to get about your daily life without relying on another person.

He also lied, telling me he sold his car when I later found out he had never owned a car and hadn't even bothered to have a single driving lesson 🤦‍♀️ so another bullet dodged!

Show quote history

Depends where you live though surely, eg. In London you don’t need a car really, a lot of single people don’t have them there

Original poster
Kaltenzahn · 14/04/2025 19:49

Hastentoadd · 14/04/2025 19:33

Depends where you live though surely, eg. In London you don’t need a car really, a lot of single people don’t have them there

Show quote history

That's totally fair and the situation would be different if I lived in London! I wouldn't write someone off for not driving if they had a valid reason (eg epilepsy, disability) but the thing I hated was the expectation that I would drive him around - if you choose not to drive you should at least be happy walking/public transport rather than asking for lifts all the time. It made a bit of a weird dynamic!

OP posts:
Bittenonce · 14/04/2025 20:31

Kaltenzahn · 14/04/2025 19:49

That's totally fair and the situation would be different if I lived in London! I wouldn't write someone off for not driving if they had a valid reason (eg epilepsy, disability) but the thing I hated was the expectation that I would drive him around - if you choose not to drive you should at least be happy walking/public transport rather than asking for lifts all the time. It made a bit of a weird dynamic!

Show quote history

‘Weird dynamic’ actually sums up a lot of this thread well. Or rather ‘avoiding the weird dynamic’. It’s fine to have unequal incomes, houses, cars, as long as the differences don’t prevent you both playing and paying roughly equally. But if you get a major imbalance at the outset, the only winner is likely to be the one who’s happy to take and has least to give.

Lighteningstrikes · 14/04/2025 20:35

Very well done for spotting the signs.

The right one will come along.

CiaoMeow · 14/04/2025 21:18

Are you a live-in pub landlady?

selffellatingouroborosofhate · 14/04/2025 22:00

Bittenonce · 14/04/2025 11:11

I’m now thinking about a woman ex colleague, divorced in her late 30s suddenly trying OLD to find a lifetime partner. Nobody stood a chance unless they were the right age, location, education, assets & income, home situation. Completely unemotional and clinical…. I started thinking this was a bit arse about face, definitely a more Asian way of approaching relationships to put the logical stuff up front rather than the more Western way where we tend to go with emotional / physical connection to start with and then find out the other issues once we’ve got some emotional commitment. But it’s worked for her…

This is absolutely correct. Female Dating Strategy recommends treating dating like interviewing someone for a job.

canthavethatonethen · 14/04/2025 23:45

CiaoMeow · 14/04/2025 21:18

Are you a live-in pub landlady?

😂

SpainToday · 15/04/2025 11:32

I did date one guy who couldn't drive (no disability, just didn't learn) and I felt like his mum driving him around. In general I actually prefer driving than being the passenger, but when a 30 year old man starts asking to be picked up/dropped off places it just kills the attraction for me.

Yes, that's EXACTLY what I meant earlier.

Serendipetty · 15/04/2025 15:45

Kaltenzahn · 14/04/2025 19:24

I did date one guy who couldn't drive (no disability, just didn't learn) and I felt like his mum driving him around. In general I actually prefer driving than being the passenger, but when a 30 year old man starts asking to be picked up/dropped off places it just kills the attraction for me. At the bare minimum you've got to get about your daily life without relying on another person.

He also lied, telling me he sold his car when I later found out he had never owned a car and hadn't even bothered to have a single driving lesson 🤦‍♀️ so another bullet dodged!

Show quote history

I feel exactly the same! I don't mind driving and I will often offer to drive, I did this a lot with ex DP as sometime she would want to have a drink (e.g. if it were my friend's 'do' I'd feel bad her not being able to have a drink when she didn't know anyone) and I'd happily pick her up after she'd been out somewhere or if she got stuck-luckily for me she usually preferred to drive herself though.

It's not about my wanting to be chauffeured everywhere-it just makes for an inequal relationship and yes, you feel like someone's Mum. Ex before that didnt' drive, and I have the added catalyst that by nature I am a 'pleaser' and 'looker-afterer' so I'd often feel like I should pick her up from work rather than her catch a late train in the rain, or I should take her to the shops even if I didn't want anything. And again, that's an unehalthy dynamic that I will protect myself from.
I don't care if you drive a Robin Reliant or a Ferrari, but you must be able to drive! 😂

Serendipetty · 15/04/2025 15:53

hestkuk · 14/04/2025 19:26

Everyone can decide what their own dealbreaker is and you don't want someone who can't drive/doesn't have a car. You've explained it very well actually.

I didn't learn to drive until I was 36 and living somewhere with poor public transport. Before that I lived in a city and I really didn't need a car. Partners I had at the time didn't have cars either because nobody needed one where we lived. Everything was easily accessible by public transport or taxis.

But you are so right that there's an imbalance when one person has a car and the other doesn't. Can't be arsed waiting at a cold bus stop? Get partner to pick you up. Need to get some shopping in? You've spent years shoving it in a rucksack and getting the bus home, now you've got a partner with a car...

Even with the best of intentions it ends up being a burden on one person. I think you have to both be able to drive or neither.

Show quote history

I appreciate the understanding.

You learned as soon as it were practical by the sounds of it-if you're in a big city and live in an apartment or something such as, there's often nowhere to even keep a car, I realise that. I am not rural, but I am in a village. Public transport to towns and cities is dire! I'd have to take a taxi to the gym, supermarket, friends houses, pub, everywhere-and there is a train station in the next town over, maybe £6 in a taxi but they're so unreliable and a night out is out of the question without taxi/uber. Walking about unfortunately is just not safe (I have learned that the hard way, thankfully unharmed just shaken up!).

And yes, that's exactly what I mean. From things I've read on here not all non-drivers are like this, and I have a good friend in her early 40s whose mid-fifties husband has only just learned to drive but wasn't like it either, but for the most part in my experience, people tend to be almost 'Yay girlfriend has a car! No more waiting about for me! I can buy as much as I want at the shops now, no more stuffing things in my bag and walking!' And before I know it I have another 'job' to do=seeing to not just my own needs that require transport, but their needs too.

So yes, deal breaker for me I am afraid!

financialcareerstuff · 16/04/2025 09:05

OP, you sound brilliant! Worked hard to achieve a lot, got rid of a rubbish ex, catching these red flags before more useless blokes get their teeth into you…. Well done you! Good luck finding a good one!

kellygoeswest · 16/04/2025 11:22

I'm 33 and this is scarily relatable. I actually know several guys (friends/colleagues) in their mid 30's who live at home and have essentially said there's "no point" spending all the money to move out on their own so they may as well wait until they meet a girlfriend and then do it... for both examples I'm thinking of they've been saying this for 5+ years now.

I understand circumstances, like with covid etc, where some people in their 20's/30's had to move back home back having ZERO ambition to move out of your parents home unless a woman motivates you to seems pretty bleak to me.

Crushed23 · 16/04/2025 11:37

Kaltenzahn · 13/04/2025 19:16

Well it looks that way! But I'm not seeking them out, they just seem to find me! I worry that I would limit my options by only dating homeowners, or that people would think I'm shallow/a gold digger.

Show quote history

Don’t be ridiculous. Having basic standards is not being shallow or a gold digger.

Crushed23 · 16/04/2025 11:39

kellygoeswest · 16/04/2025 11:22

I'm 33 and this is scarily relatable. I actually know several guys (friends/colleagues) in their mid 30's who live at home and have essentially said there's "no point" spending all the money to move out on their own so they may as well wait until they meet a girlfriend and then do it... for both examples I'm thinking of they've been saying this for 5+ years now.

I understand circumstances, like with covid etc, where some people in their 20's/30's had to move back home back having ZERO ambition to move out of your parents home unless a woman motivates you to seems pretty bleak to me.

Don’t bother with any man who uses “covid” as an excuse for anything past 2022.

SpainToday · 16/04/2025 11:41

I'm 33 and this is scarily relatable. I actually know several guys (friends/colleagues) in their mid 30's who live at home and have essentially said there's "no point" spending all the money to move out on their own so they may as well wait until they meet a girlfriend and then do it... for both examples I'm thinking of they've been saying this for 5+ years now.

And do any of these guys think this stance is WHY they're still single??