How do I stop attracting cocklodgers?

[Kaltenzahn]

I'm almost 30 and haven't had a significant relationship in around 4 years. The last few men I've dated have shown major cocklodger red flags a few months in, which has massively turned me off and I've ended things pretty soon after.

I'm not sure where I'm going wrong - whether I'm attracting the wrong type of guy or whether there are early warning signs that I'm missing.

I don't know what to do! I'd love to find a healthy relationship but I'm losing hope, the last 4 men I've dated have all turned out the exact same way.

How do I stop attracting this kind of man, or how do I spot them early on and save myself wasting my time? Is this just part of the shit that comes with dating in your 30s?

Help!

Who cares?

You're not a gold digger.

Try and only entertain men who are in a similar or better housing position to you.

or that people would think I'm shallow/a gold digger

Which people and why would they know? Do their opinions matter more than you finding a healthy relationship?

A pp asked if you had tendencies to be "too nice" and the fact that you even have this worry does suggest you probably are. Are you familiar with the shark cage analogy?

There's no point letting men like the ones you've described through your filtering system or giving them the benefit of the doubt or a second chance. I do realise that meeting decent men in the first place is an issue, but you have established there is a pattern so don't continue to waste time on men with red flags.

I don't think it's that you specifically are attracting chancers, but based on what you've said it may well be the case that you're not filtering them out as robustly or promptly as you could be.

You made good choices, you have a great life, and strong boundaries to protect you.

That's a lot to be happy about, honestly. Keep going!

You are not doing anything to attract these types OP, there are simply an awful lot of them out there.
You're doing well to weed them out. Don't settle.

@nopineapplepizza I get it, I see many of those men on the apps! I generally go for the 50+ age range (I'm late 40s), where they're generally (but not always) more financially secure. Though I'm currently dating a man 10 years younger with a paid off mortgage and his own business, so it's possible to find secure younger men. Not easy to find, granted, but possible.

Ah, cross posted.

Yep stop giving people the benefit of the doubt! It's not working for you, because you're just wasting time on people who were inevitably just looking to take advantage.

The more time you spend in dead end relationships with chancers and users, the less opportunity you have for decent men. Would a man with good boundaries want a relationship with a woman with poor boundaries?

Slight eyebrow raise at your friend's comments.

Yeah it definitely raised my eyebrows as well 🤔 he's a lovely guy but with some old fashioned ideas about gender roles, which aren't my thing

Your male friend is a tool! A decent man isn't threatened by independent women and respects her and her accomplishments! Don't settle for anything less there are good ones out there!

I earn more then my DH he has always supported me and been proud of my achievements.
A good decent bloke does this and wants to be a team. Always go for the guy who wants to work as a team! It's a sure fire indicator of what type of father and life partner they will be. The "provider" attitude = makes excuses not to parent and not to work together and sees childcare as the female perogative.

Back in the mists of time, before the internet and social media, people used to place small ads in newspapers looking for prospective dates/partners. The male ones nearly all described themselves as having OHAC, which meant 'own house and car', which is apparently what made them most attractive to women (the women all said they wanted a man with GSOH - good sense of humour!). You need to be filtering out those men without OHAC, and thus you will filter out the cocklodgers. I also advise looking for a GSOH. Good luck!

I think if you're managing to weed them out before the 6 month mark, you should be happy that your bullshit meter is clearly working. They don't come with warning signs, wearing their red flags round their necks.

Financially stable women who own their own homes are a magnet for these cocklodging types.
I've been caught out twice but thankfully I've got better at spotting them now.

There are also hobosexuals who can turn into cocklodgers if you aren't careful. A hobosexual is someone who doesn't really have a stable living situation. Some other people have mentioned things like living in their mate's shed, living with mum or dad, crashing at a friend's, living with ex and so on and so forth.
No man falls in love faster than one who needs somewhere to live. These are hobosexuals.
They will love bomb a financially solvent woman with her own home. The woman might be taken in by this and think it's the real thing, this is the guy they've been waiting for blah blah. Then two or three months in the hobosexual has some kind of emergency - usually this is an "accommodation emergency".
The "accommodation emergency" will be something like the nasty landlord increasing the rent (your example) or kicking them out or they've fallen out with their mum or dad, or their mate is fucking pig sick of them wants their spare room/sofa/shed back.
This is when they really start piling on the emotional pressure and they ask you to let them move in with you because after all you love each so much etcetc and it'll just be until he gets back on his feet/until he finds somewhere.
Now you've got the hobosexual living with you. At this point they start morphing into a cocklodger.

An "employment emergency" often follows the "accommodation emergency". They fall out with their boss and quit. Someone's bullying them at work and they quit. They get made redundant. Their hours are cut. Something happens along those lines so they are now unemployed and supposedly looking for work.
Congratulations you have a fully-grown cocklodger.
Good luck getting rid.

You have to be ruthless at filtering them out in the first place and it sounds like you are really clued up and can see through the nonsense.

I genuinely believe that unless you find a partner at university or in the few years after leaving, you’re fucked. The absolute dregs of shit are all that’s left.

First, I'd just drop this whole line of thinking because it's obviously not helping you.

Regardless of the specific reason/s, people usually do break up with most of the people they date or start relationships with. So I'd stop the thinking that something is terribly wrong, stop the drama of not dating at all because of it and etcetera. The all the men/women I've met mysteriously turn out to be X,Y, or Z stuff is not interesting.

If you repeatedly find yourself being used, chances are you're going for flash or something like that and disregarding the type of guy who would most likely appreciate your company. Remember you can't buy love, so don't try to, in the first place, at all. Don't move too fast with someone and don't give them anything. The users will soon reveal themselves by moving on then.

If you want someone to spend your life with, just get back out there, use common sense and move on when and if you realize that someone you've started something with just isn't going to be the one, regardless of why he's not suitable.

I agree. You are doing all right, even if it doesn’t feel great.

It’s a bit off topic but I absolutely hate the phrase “gold digger”. It’s pure misogyny - no one ever mentions fortune hunters. I am yet to meet a gold digger but I have met loads of fortune hunters - usually men with unsuitable accommodation who really need somewhere to live that can take their three kids.

This is what a lot of my friends say too. Those who want to settle down typically do it then or know the person they want to settle with by then, and the others don’t want to settle until their older- 30’s ish, at which point they don’t want a woman the same age because for those women children are an imminent priority, whereas a 33 year old man can meet a 25 year old woman and still have no immediate pressure for kids.

Well I met partners though work, through friends, and through shared interests and a number were serious: even though those relationships ultimately ended, none of them were remotely "dregs". Similarly, met dh through a shared interest in my 30s and married at 36.

No idea what happened to the couple of losers I dated at uni 😂

So true, I know someone who met a man online who was living in a camper van. Met in the summer, by Autumn he had moved in to her comfortable home in a nice area and they married within a year of meeting. She thought they were soul mates, he thought the prospect of another winter in a cold van was to be avoided. His miserable angry personality which he'd kept well hidden showed pretty much as the ink was drying on the marriage certificate and within a year she realised her mistake. Sad but you need to be careful.

I’m in my 50’s and during my brief foray into OLD I matched with a few of these blokes. Thankfully the red flags were there straight away and I didn’t even meet them.

One bloke was so brazen the 3rd question ge asked was ‘do you own your own home?’ - he was mid 50’s living in his brothers spare room after his divorce - 5 years ago!!!!!!!!!

Im renting at mo but my half of the house sale is invested while I decide what I want to do next. I’ll never tell a man that though - let them think I live in a 2 bed flat and that’ll see if they’re genuinely interested. Though at my age I’ve zero desire to move anyone in

You certainly do seem to attract losers.

Is that because you think more financially stable men won’t be interested in you, if so why not?

Do you mention early on in dating that you own a property? If so why

What age are you?

I don't think this is true mainly because many stay together because they have been together in uni/it's the accepted group dynamic etc then it doesn't work out!
Out of 10 friends who were long term couples in uni 7 of them had split by 30 (2 after marriage) and none of them had kids.

Plus many of the cohort who spent their 20s having weddings then spent their 40s getting divorced. I've heard plenty of people make that observation about their friendship circles.

If you're under 30 you'll only have seen peers marrying off, you won't have seen the subsequent divorce phase yet. It's easy to feel like everyone else has secured their fairytale happy ending except you at that stage.

Just raise the bar! OHAC and employed is the starting point. Don’t worry about not being straight out of uni age. There is a ‘transfer window’ when lots of people split up/get divorced from the person they met at uni. They grow up & apart and find new relationships

I will also say that if the man you are dating has children, refuse to meet them for quite a long time. Say gosh, I don’t think we are serious enough to meet each other’s children yet. It’s never great when men introduce brand new partners to their children.

I have a friend who has only ever had relationships with married or attached men. When I asked her why she gets involved with these types she complains that they are the only men who are attracted to her.

I've told her numerous times that they probably try it on with loads of women until they get a 'win'. She doesn't set any boundaries and seems to have a fatalistic philosophy that this is all she deserves.

It's not a case of only attracting 'cocklodgers' Op more a case of not sifting them out sooner. There's nothing wrong with seeking out more solvent men. Who made you think that that's 'gold digging'? Has someone shamed you in the past?

@nopineapplepizza - I'm adding 'nanny with a fanny' to 'mommy bang maid' on my list of hilarious expressions for what the wrong kind of guy is after!